Rosiepetal

I am early days without my exABF. My concentration levels have been poor & I sometimes I feel a bit weird like a panic attack that never comes on. It could be all the information I'm trying to process. Also I seem to have less patience with the kids, maybe that could be just wanting time alone to sit here & read & get advice? Also been wondering how he is, is he coping, did he enjoy his boozy weekend away with friends & ol ex & did they all tell him he's better off without me after he slagged me off?
Definitely helps having you all out there.
Any advice?

Lulu39

I'm in the same boat, although mine has been gone for a month.

I know he is enjoying his boozy, party weekends because he has been bothered to see his kids TWICE, that is two times, like 2 times since he left.

He is driving some cute little black SUV. Told the kids it was his brother's as his brother was away on a holiday. LIES. I saw his brother's car (blue wagon) parked at the local bar last Friday afternoon in it's usual spot.

Everyone we know has told my EXAH he is better off without me and he has told everyone I am a crazy bitch from hell on wheels. His line is now "I left you, REMEMBER THAT!"

I wonder which woman's car he is driving? He certainly can't afford the car he is driving all over town.

It's some f&cking crazy a$$ sh*t.

Advice. Hang on, hang on to YOU, this is a crazy ride. But don't engage. Detach. Read the sticky threads. Go to Al-Anon. I am trying every single minute of every day to just "let go and let (insert your higher power)". Because I sure as hell cannot control or do ANYTHING about any of this except keep me sane and healthy and try to do the same for my kids.

I KNOW he is lying to me and the kids, but also, I know I can't do anything about his lies. I just keep saying to myself "all will be revealed".

I hope that helps a little.

Rosiepetal

Thank you Lulu that does help.
I guess as long as we try & focus on ourselves and our kids & know in our hearts that we are good people then the loosers they hang out with don't really matter.

Florence

AH has been out of my house for about a month. Occasionally I find myself dipping into these thoughts -- is he okay? Does he miss me?

You know what cures it? Remembering what he's ACTUALLY like. Not remembering my fantasy version of him where he finally has a lightbulb moment and realizes what he's throwing away and how many opportunities he's squandered.

No, he's not thinking about me. At least not in any rational adult, caring, loving way.
Unless he's trying to convince me that everything is okay so he can maintain the status quo, where I support him and he can maintain his habit on the sly.
Yes, he's probably drinking, but I would never know until I personally caught him doing it because he would lie about it.
No, he's not working a program.
No, he's not -- underneath it all, anyway -- having any fun.
Yes, he's totally fine because someone else is taking care of him.

And when I really dig in there, the truth is that this person -- a lying, manipulative, drinking, barely employed freeloader -- is just not someone I want to be with. We had something once when I was sicker and he was less sick, but now that I'm working on myself, I just don't see anything there left saving or worrying about.

floralies

3 days without any contact from mine and I'm a disaster. Obviously none of us are alone in this. I feel for you.

Confetti

My STBXAH has been gone just over a month. I know exactly what you mean. I have low concentration and once in a while crazy anxiety.

Mine is definitely enjoying the party (even though he claims to everyone that he has been sober for 5/6 weeks now...LIES). I had friends see him at the liquor store and at the lounge in another town. He claims that he is clean....from everything..LIES. Then what the hell was he doing at a drug dealers home a week ago. He is about 20 lbs lighter than a month ago and he has been bothered to see his children twice since I kicked him out at the beginning of September. He has been giving everyone who will listen a big song and dance that I was an unsupportive, crazy wife and that he had no choice but to leave. All this while he has his new girlfriend next to him.

Some people will never catch on, but for the most part all of our friends are shaking their heads and calling, saying WTF is going on with him? In some ways, I am glad that I am not the only one who sees it, but in other ways, it is just more stories that keep me on the crazy train.

"more will be revealed"

I remind myself of this daily and so far it has been true.

I too find that I don't have as much patience as I used to with my children. I find I really have to focus on them, on what they are doing. I get caught up in what STBXAH is doing, where he is, if she is there. I have to breathe deep and Let it go... I find that doing fun things with the kids is exactly what I need. And it is what they need too. They are just as confused, hurt, and angry as I am. (well, the littlest two, not so much).

Focus on the kids. Focus on yourself. I went to therapy for a few sessions, and found it helpful. I also found that reading Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie to be an invaluable resource.

ShootingStar1

We had something once when I was sicker and he was less sick, but now that I'm working on myself, I just don't see anything there left saving or worrying about.

Florence, that just says it all.

I, too, am doing No Contact, but having moments of great struggle. I forget the bad times, of which there were a monumental amount, and remember the good times, of which there were many.

Selective editing of my life's story. We all need the unabridged version. We all need the scenes that didn't make it past the cutting room floor of our memory. The real truth lies there.

Keep the faith, folks. I'm trying hard, and this thread is so helpful.

ShootingStar1
(formerly BothSidesNow)

dandylion

Hey, Shootingstar, sooo glad to see you around the schoolyard again!!! Missed you.

You have lots to offer us.

Dandylion

Pelican

Oh my, I remember walking around in a complete fog. I was literally putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

Three things that helped me:

1- SR

2 - my mantra: Focus, Focus, Focus, Focus. I had to talk myself through daily chores in order to keep my mind from wandering off down a rabbit hole. It really was a matter of reigning in my thoughts each time I caught myself going down the rabbit hole.

3 - Repeating the Serenity Prayer, over and over and over.

Yes, I walked around with a limited ability to hold conversation because I needed to keep repeating my Focus Mantra or the Serenity Prayer, but I made it through!

And as a bonus: my children learned to repeat the mantra "focus, focus, focus" as well.

On a lighter note, I added humor to the mantra. I realized that when I mumble it over and over it sounded like I was saying: "f**k us, F*** us, Fu** us" and in some situations.......that was more appropriate!

NYCDoglvr

I know this is stressful but promise, it will pass. It takes time to heal and get used to your new life. It's important to keep it fresh about the reason you parted ways; when you get the urge to go back come back here and we'll give you a reality check. Also, alcoholics are self-centered, self-involved in the extreme -- he's not wondering how you are, only thinking about drinking.

Lynnrae2

You know what cures it? Remembering what he is actually like!!!

That pretty much sums it up for me. When I start having what I call withdrawls from my exab, I stop and think about all the crap that he put me through.

Besides, were the good times really, honestly good times? Nope!!!!!



great post florence!!!!!!!!!!

ZiggyB

I still wonder about mine too, actually what helps me is to assume the worst and be grateful I don't have to stress myself out over what bar he is at.

We had a really bad breakup so that possibly has helped me. There is no way I would want to put myself through another one of his angry, screaming fits. He was a complete jackas* to me which was extremely painful. There was quite a lot of anxiety for me after the breakup, I guess I am feeling better 3 months now after the fact.

Just try to stay busy and focus on yourself, your friends and family.

Titanic

Felt unable to think in a straight line or to focus when it went down.
The info out there and possible scenarios seemed endless.
Felt less patient and more irritable.
Lots of wondering.

It all dampens, though the wondering still makes its rounds. The dampening happens when you work a recovery program. Time itself is not enough.

Cyranoak

...and consider that you may have a form of PTSD. Alcoholics can cause that-- while it may not be what's happening to you, it's very common.

Take care,

Cyranoak

mdkathy62

Thanks for sharing Rosiepetal. I wish there was an easier way...I'm currently living with my bf but we have not spoken or cross paths in 3 days despite him sitting at home all day and playing video games and sleeping. It takes every fiber in my body not to go and let off some steam, yell, and scream hurtful things at him. Why are you doing this??? I really want to know! Why do you do this to yourself, to us?!! When it's good it's amazing and when it's bad, it's horrendous. I find myself blaming his friend who was drinking with him when he relapsed (that didn't end well), I find myself blaming him, but above all, I hate myself for putting myself through this...Idk why I continue to stay and then the people around me who are also vying for his recovery remind me of how great he is, but then I think omgoodness, he's not that great! He's been ignoring me for 3 straight days and lied to me about relapsing.

It's insanity. It's foolishness. I just DON'T understand and that's what hurts the most is that I will never be able to understand. Sometimes I wonder, if I understand, will it make this process easier? Probably not. It will still hurt just as much. I don't have amazing advice to give you as I'm struggling myself, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. A lot of my friends tell me, don't worry, it will be ok, he'll come around and I always want to respond "You just don't understand" because even if it gets "better", it will get bad again.

Hang in there...coming to SR has helped me. I'm sorting out my own flaws and trying to come to terms with them. It's really difficult...but if I'm more aware of my flaws then maybe it will help me to either deal with these situations better or...to move on and leave him.

Please hang in there.

ZiggyB

I definitely believe I had PTSD. Violent, scary breakup... I could not sleep and kept having flashbacks as well as severe anxiety. I ended up taking a benzo for a few weeks, thankfully I am better now.

itsmylifenow

Yes, I believe PTSD on some level exists after these relationships end. I know when I was in the middle of everything I felt the stress from his outbursts, his anger, how quickly he flipped the switch from normal to crazy.

Now that it's been almost 2 months I find certain things will trigger me and make me feel like I'm losing my mind.

But, when I was in it, it was totally different. I was in fight or flight mode. Always on edge, always stressed. As time goes on and I am away from him my mind is trying to return to a normal state. I was told on more than one occasion that being with him was causing major damage to me. I figured I was handling it well and I was fine. But, the after effects are obvious to me now. It goes in deep and takes a long time to come out and get healed.

So, what you are feeling is common. At least it resonates with me. I tried the best I could to separate myself from the hell I was going through and not taking it out on my kids, but it was hard. Still is hard. All you can do is take it one moment at a time, one day at a time.

NYCDoglvr

Withdrawal -- whether from alcohol or another person -- is painful. I hope you go to Alanon for support.