Devastated - H of 27yrs goes to Rehab and files for divorce

Old 11-24-2012, 01:50 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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It is a very delicate matter when a family member calls someone's therapist to report on the client's behavior. It is also a very delicate matter when a family member reads notes from therapy sessions which should be solely the domain of the therapist and client. Even if that client is an alcoholic. Even if that client has a personality disorder.


Family members are supposed to let therapists know if their clients have become suicidal...which is what I did. As for also telling her that AH was taking other people's Rx's, well, too bad. He's doing this WHILE driving (he drove into a ditch last week), so other people's lives are in danger.

As for "reading notes' from therapy sessions....I was cleaning out MY CAR, and there was his psychiatrist report/diagnosis....not in an envelope or anything...right out there for anyone to see. Frankly, I can't think of any long-term spouses who wouldn't have looked at it. Believe me, my AH wouldn't have hesitated if the situation were reversed.

Over the last couple of months, I have more closely observed other couples. I had had "blinders" on before, not really thinking that other husbands do not behave as he does. As will nearly all who suffer from Personality Disorders, they can't accept responsibility for their actions, are frequently irrational, are frequently delusional, and are unbelievably impulsive/irresponsible.
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Old 11-24-2012, 09:05 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Just by your own words you are and have justified your actions. We are all human and have walked many of the same roads as you. That doesn't make the right.
If you ever personally want to get better you will take responsibility NOT justify. I truly understand what you are talking about but like you I was in the wrong and blamed and moved the spot light to another. The reality is what am I doing? That says more about me than 'well if he was in the same position he would have looked'... Kind of get the gist..
AG



Originally Posted by BrokenHeartWife View Post
It is a very delicate matter when a family member calls someone's therapist to report on the client's behavior. It is also a very delicate matter when a family member reads notes from therapy sessions which should be solely the domain of the therapist and client. Even if that client is an alcoholic. Even if that client has a personality disorder.


Family members are supposed to let therapists know if their clients have become suicidal...which is what I did. As for also telling her that AH was taking other people's Rx's, well, too bad. He's doing this WHILE driving (he drove into a ditch last week), so other people's lives are in danger.

As for "reading notes' from therapy sessions....I was cleaning out MY CAR, and there was his psychiatrist report/diagnosis....not in an envelope or anything...right out there for anyone to see. Frankly, I can't think of any long-term spouses who wouldn't have looked at it. Believe me, my AH wouldn't have hesitated if the situation were reversed.

Over the last couple of months, I have more closely observed other couples. I had had "blinders" on before, not really thinking that other husbands do not behave as he does. As will nearly all who suffer from Personality Disorders, they can't accept responsibility for their actions, are frequently irrational, are frequently delusional, and are unbelievably impulsive/irresponsible.
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Old 11-25-2012, 09:08 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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^^^

I take responsibility for reading the psych report that was left in my car. I don't apologize for it. Frankly, since my AH has consistently denied that there was anything wrong with him, finding this was what I needed - finally - proof of what I'd been saying all along...that he had an Axis II Personality Disorder. I feel redeemed - and I won't apologize for it. I didn't rummage thru his files. He left the report in MY car and then left the state for several days. I have a right to clean out my car and look over whatever is in there to determine what is "trash" and what needs to be saved and put away.

If you're an alcoholic, perhaps you can't really relate to those of us on the "other side" - those of us who have literally been tortured and abused by the antics of the addicts in their lives.
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Old 11-25-2012, 11:29 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Noone is asking you to take responsibility nor apologize. They are just pointing out the places where you have stepped over the line into controlling co-dependent behaviors. And who best to point those out but people who have walked this walk before you. We know because we did them too.

It's not to put you in a position of being "wrong". It's to help you understand you are playing a role here, too. It's not to justify your husband's actions, or make you feel attacked, or to point a finger. It's simply something we are all too familiar with, having done the same things ourselves. And we are here to tell you it doesn't work.

He needs to figure this out himself, and right now he is in denial. Nothing you do will help him break through that denial any faster than he already is. It's his journey, and he may or may not decide to do the hard work and acceptance it takes to really wrap his arms around what is wrong and fix it. That's why English Garden says that its time to focus on yourself and let him go (detach). Let go of trying to prove you are right (you already know you are right...there is no need to prove it to him). Let go of his relationship and interaction with his therapist (if this person is any good at all, they'll recognize when they are being bamboozled). Let go of his recovery (while he goes to AA meetings, you go to Al-Anon), and let go of his dysfunctional relationship with his family. If he runs to them, let him go. Give him lots of space to figure this out all on his own.

In the meantime, focus on you. Take your life back. Go find things that make you happy, be it activities, volunteering, exercise, whatever. I remember those early days when I had to pry my fingers off the back of my XAH's shirt and let him go find his own recovery. I had to take the chance that things weren't going to work out the way I wanted them to work out. And you know what? They didn't. He divorced me anyway, for reasons that didn't make a lick of sense and smacked of some underlying disorder on his part. But you know what happened? I was ok, and I am still ok now. I have a great life with or without him in it, because I made it so. His choices are on him, his consequences are his alone.

So take this as food for thought, that maybe, just maybe, you are like the rest of us here and in need of some serious "me" time. Let him have the dignity of figuring out his own stuff.
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Old 11-25-2012, 04:37 PM
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Noone is asking you to take responsibility

No one is asking? Uh, yes, AlwaysGrowing said that I need to take responsibility.


As for the belief that no one can help someone "break thru denial faster," that's not true. About 4 weeks ago, my H unfairly yelled at me on phone, while his brother was in the car with him. His brother was shocked because he didn't know my AH did things like that. His brother calmly, but firmly, told my H that he was completely out of line, wrong, and needed to apologize. The shocking confrontation did "break thru" to my AH and not only did he call and admit that he was wrong and apologize (something that he RARELY has ever done), and since then, my AH has repeatedly said that he was very wrong that day. On his own, my AH would NEVER have come to that conclusion.

Several years ago, my AH used to block my car to prevent me from leaving. When I told his therapist, the therapist "ordered" my AH to stop doing that. My AH told me that his therapist told him that he couldn't do that anymore, and he never did it again. On his own, he NEVER would have stopped doing it...he had been doing it for over 15 years (it had gotten to the point that I was parking my car on the street instead of the driveway or garage to prevent his ability to block my car).

Maybe this wouldn't work for others, I don't really care. In my case, my AH really does respond when 'experts" tell him to "do or not do" certain things.


With his current therapist (different from the other one), I don't have any confidence in her. He does have her completely bamboozled. He has been with her for 2 years and she never diagnosed his PD. She's a very sweet lady, but completely underqualified for treating someone who is both an alcoholic and has a PD. During the entire 2 years that he has been seeing her, she NEVER recommended that he go to AA meetings or rehab or anything. She's essentially a paid friend who likely sees him as a weekly client who makes her car payment.


I am "letting go" and focusing on myself. I do go to Al-Anon meetings. The only reason why I was going to Open AA meetings with him was because at that time we were trying to put our marriage back together and he was "new in town" for AA meetings (so to speak since he had been in out-of-state rehab for 2 months). Now, I'm no longer interested in doing that. Because of his Personality Disorder combined with alcoholism, even if he stays sober, his PD will always be too huge of an obstacle. As far as I'm concerned, he's now his relatives' problem. This is what they wanted....lol....as the saying goes, "be careful what you wish for......"
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Old 11-26-2012, 01:25 PM
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Let me say this much. More will be revealed. You are in the middle of all this drama. You do not have a a few years of this behind you as many of us have been there done that. Looking back to me you see what you can see. Given time you will see more, see your part and even the crazy things we say and do when in that part of our life... I certainly just plan to leave it at that. I KNOW I can't talk you into seeing something you may not see for days or years.
2+2=4... we can divide up 2 into 1/2, 1/4, 1s but that statement is still true the fractions is just a micro look as we are sooooo close...
Best thing WE.. Cough.. YOU.. can do is focus and work on YOU... I will am keeping you in my prayers as I know the craziness and wish no one ever would have to ever ever go through it again.
AG



Originally Posted by BrokenHeartWife View Post
No one is asking? Uh, yes, AlwaysGrowing said that I need to take responsibility.


As for the belief that no one can help someone "break thru denial faster," that's not true. About 4 weeks ago, my H unfairly yelled at me on phone, while his brother was in the car with him. His brother was shocked because he didn't know my AH did things like that. His brother calmly, but firmly, told my H that he was completely out of line, wrong, and needed to apologize. The shocking confrontation did "break thru" to my AH and not only did he call and admit that he was wrong and apologize (something that he RARELY has ever done), and since then, my AH has repeatedly said that he was very wrong that day. On his own, my AH would NEVER have come to that conclusion.

Several years ago, my AH used to block my car to prevent me from leaving. When I told his therapist, the therapist "ordered" my AH to stop doing that. My AH told me that his therapist told him that he couldn't do that anymore, and he never did it again. On his own, he NEVER would have stopped doing it...he had been doing it for over 15 years (it had gotten to the point that I was parking my car on the street instead of the driveway or garage to prevent his ability to block my car).

Maybe this wouldn't work for others, I don't really care. In my case, my AH really does respond when 'experts" tell him to "do or not do" certain things.


With his current therapist (different from the other one), I don't have any confidence in her. He does have her completely bamboozled. He has been with her for 2 years and she never diagnosed his PD. She's a very sweet lady, but completely underqualified for treating someone who is both an alcoholic and has a PD. During the entire 2 years that he has been seeing her, she NEVER recommended that he go to AA meetings or rehab or anything. She's essentially a paid friend who likely sees him as a weekly client who makes her car payment.


I am "letting go" and focusing on myself. I do go to Al-Anon meetings. The only reason why I was going to Open AA meetings with him was because at that time we were trying to put our marriage back together and he was "new in town" for AA meetings (so to speak since he had been in out-of-state rehab for 2 months). Now, I'm no longer interested in doing that. Because of his Personality Disorder combined with alcoholism, even if he stays sober, his PD will always be too huge of an obstacle. As far as I'm concerned, he's now his relatives' problem. This is what they wanted....lol....as the saying goes, "be careful what you wish for......"
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