My dilema
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: El Paso, TX
Posts: 22
My dilema
I've posted a few posts about my husband, in the army, deploying on Christmas and all the pain we've been through. We had a bit of a breakthrough a few days ago where he said he would stop spending money on beer if we didn't have grocery money (how generous of him, right?) or money to cover the bills. To me though, it was in a tiny way admitting that his problem was affecting all of us. I know, I'm grasping at straws here. For a few days I felt closer to him and he wasn't drinking. I knew it was short lived but for the moment it felt great. Well, my ex husband managed to pay his child support this month and we had money to cover everything and buy groceries; $175 as opposed to the original budget of $65! So, that meant to him that he could buy beer and came home with a 30 pack on Saturday after work. I said nothing because I know it won't do anything (thank you Al Anon). We were still getting along when he got home on Saturday morning and I went to the library for 4 hours to get some quiet studying in. When I got home, his mood had gone from good to horrible and I didn't know why. I think it's because he read my journal (it wasn't how I left it and he said a few key things that I recently wrote). He denies it completely. He says that it was my actions that put him into a bad mood. How is that even possible?! I wasn't home to put him in a bad mood!!! Was my going to the library to study enough to **** him off?!
Anyway, Saturday night he went to bed upset and I stayed up to study more. Honestly, I study to get away from my problems for a bit. Today (Sunday) he acted as if nothing were wrong. He even wanted me to play cards with him for a while and made dinner for me and the kids. AND he folded the laundry! I have been reserved all day, keeping to myself and the kids, until he got ready to go to bed. He came to me and told me he did not read my journal and that I need to start trusting him more. This is coming from a man who smashed a car's windows in when I didn't respond to a text from him. He knows I don't trust him, I've told him outright. So I asked him what then was it that caused his sudden change in moods and he said that it's because he deploys in 10 weeks and he doesn't want us to be in limbo while he's gone. He said he wouldn't be able to stand it if I left him while he is gone. I will not leave while he is gone. I will leave before or after but not during his deployment. I'm not gonna run away like a big baby! Here's the problem: if I leave I have nowhere to go unless I move back to Seattle with my family. Moving myself, four kids, their stuff, (I don't care about much of my stuff honestly) and two dogs in no small task. Nor is it an inexpensive one. I'm estimating that it will cost me between $2000 and $2500. I don't have that kind of money nor do I know anyone with that kind of money lying around. If I could afford to get home, I could live with my parents (pathetic) until my renters are out of my house and I could easily find work.
This evening I got an email (actually came a few days ago but I hadn't read it until now) saying that I will have $4200 coming to me in excess financial aid funds from school. And it will be here in the middle of November.
But that stupid emotional part of me says "stay and work things out. He's cut back drinking consistently. My kids love him and call him dad. We used to be so in love, and not so long ago." Why can't I look at things rationally? I'm an accounting major, one of the most rational job types I could get into, but I can't make a simple decision that may mean my happiness!
Thanks for reading this. I write here mostly to get my thoughts out. Getting advice is the perk though! I wish one of you could come to my house and punch me in the face and knock some sense into me! Anybody in El Paso, TX? LOL!
Anyway, Saturday night he went to bed upset and I stayed up to study more. Honestly, I study to get away from my problems for a bit. Today (Sunday) he acted as if nothing were wrong. He even wanted me to play cards with him for a while and made dinner for me and the kids. AND he folded the laundry! I have been reserved all day, keeping to myself and the kids, until he got ready to go to bed. He came to me and told me he did not read my journal and that I need to start trusting him more. This is coming from a man who smashed a car's windows in when I didn't respond to a text from him. He knows I don't trust him, I've told him outright. So I asked him what then was it that caused his sudden change in moods and he said that it's because he deploys in 10 weeks and he doesn't want us to be in limbo while he's gone. He said he wouldn't be able to stand it if I left him while he is gone. I will not leave while he is gone. I will leave before or after but not during his deployment. I'm not gonna run away like a big baby! Here's the problem: if I leave I have nowhere to go unless I move back to Seattle with my family. Moving myself, four kids, their stuff, (I don't care about much of my stuff honestly) and two dogs in no small task. Nor is it an inexpensive one. I'm estimating that it will cost me between $2000 and $2500. I don't have that kind of money nor do I know anyone with that kind of money lying around. If I could afford to get home, I could live with my parents (pathetic) until my renters are out of my house and I could easily find work.
This evening I got an email (actually came a few days ago but I hadn't read it until now) saying that I will have $4200 coming to me in excess financial aid funds from school. And it will be here in the middle of November.
But that stupid emotional part of me says "stay and work things out. He's cut back drinking consistently. My kids love him and call him dad. We used to be so in love, and not so long ago." Why can't I look at things rationally? I'm an accounting major, one of the most rational job types I could get into, but I can't make a simple decision that may mean my happiness!
Thanks for reading this. I write here mostly to get my thoughts out. Getting advice is the perk though! I wish one of you could come to my house and punch me in the face and knock some sense into me! Anybody in El Paso, TX? LOL!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
From my side, it's sound's like he has a drinking problem and one that you can't fix
It also sound's like he sure know's how to tap onto your string's and make you dance
to his tune.
And that money that your ex-husband give's you is to buy food/shelter/clothing for
your kid's..Not beer!!....That is very selfish, like many alcoholics are!
It's his choice to get sober and it's your choice to continue to believe him
every 2 or 3 day's...It's a repeated cycle and your just starting to see it
You're pretty smart!
No one need's to come punch you in the face.(hope you were joking) Someone need's to come hug you, because I know,this is an awful place where you are.
I've been there! Life with a alcoholic is living hell and it's no fun!
I understand the military and understand deployment's can be very hard on families too!
Im assuming his deployment is 6 months?
No one should or can tell you to move or not...Only you know what to do. If it's not in your heart and you dont have peace with it. Wait. You have 6 months to decide.
It sounds like you already have a plan.....Maybe, that's where you will find peace
It also sound's like he sure know's how to tap onto your string's and make you dance
to his tune.
And that money that your ex-husband give's you is to buy food/shelter/clothing for
your kid's..Not beer!!....That is very selfish, like many alcoholics are!
It's his choice to get sober and it's your choice to continue to believe him
every 2 or 3 day's...It's a repeated cycle and your just starting to see it
You're pretty smart!
No one need's to come punch you in the face.(hope you were joking) Someone need's to come hug you, because I know,this is an awful place where you are.
I've been there! Life with a alcoholic is living hell and it's no fun!
I understand the military and understand deployment's can be very hard on families too!
Im assuming his deployment is 6 months?
No one should or can tell you to move or not...Only you know what to do. If it's not in your heart and you dont have peace with it. Wait. You have 6 months to decide.
It sounds like you already have a plan.....Maybe, that's where you will find peace
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: El Paso, TX
Posts: 22
Thanks BobbyJ!
It's a 9 month deployment but regardless, this place is miserable. I have no friends or family here, no support. I'm tired of uprooting my kids so I will not go home while he's gone just to come back. If I leave, I'm done.
I'm just so confused.
It's a 9 month deployment but regardless, this place is miserable. I have no friends or family here, no support. I'm tired of uprooting my kids so I will not go home while he's gone just to come back. If I leave, I'm done.
I'm just so confused.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 211
No one can tell you what to do. But a few suggestions from someone who 1 month ago packed up with a dog and (only) one kid and left my AH:
Suggestions:
1. Do not tell him you have that money coming.
2. Take the money and put it somewhere that only you have access to.
3. Make lists. The reasons to stay that make me happy. The reasons to leave that make me happy.
The reason I suggest these things is because their behavior seems to always cycle around to bad again. I tried to simplify it all to what makes me happy and since I had not been happy for such a long time, I knew what I needed to do. But it all seems sooooo big, moving etc.
I will share that I am at peace, my son is happy and even though it is not perfect, there is peace. When I felt overwhelmed about the move, I would repeat in my head..."one day at a time", "one thing at a time", and before I knew it, I was moved.
My heart goes out to you. I was in a similar place just such a short time ago. Hugs.
Suggestions:
1. Do not tell him you have that money coming.
2. Take the money and put it somewhere that only you have access to.
3. Make lists. The reasons to stay that make me happy. The reasons to leave that make me happy.
The reason I suggest these things is because their behavior seems to always cycle around to bad again. I tried to simplify it all to what makes me happy and since I had not been happy for such a long time, I knew what I needed to do. But it all seems sooooo big, moving etc.
I will share that I am at peace, my son is happy and even though it is not perfect, there is peace. When I felt overwhelmed about the move, I would repeat in my head..."one day at a time", "one thing at a time", and before I knew it, I was moved.
My heart goes out to you. I was in a similar place just such a short time ago. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
1. Do not tell him you have that money coming.
2. Take the money and put it somewhere that only you have access to.
2. Take the money and put it somewhere that only you have access to.
This is your money. The child support is also YOUR money. It's not community beer money, or stepdad needs to get loaded money.
I'm not gonna run away like a big baby!
If I could afford to get home, I could live with my parents (pathetic) until my renters are out of my house and I could easily find work.
One of the hardest lessons I've learned since starting this journey is that it's not my business what other people think of me. Needing to appear like I've always got it together, even while my world was falling down around me, held me back and kept me stuck in an unhappy situation for too long. Hell, it made me double down and recommit to being the Gatekeeper at Crazytown LONG after I knew this relationship was bad news and that I needed to get out.
My AH is out of the house today (going on a month this week) and I'm looking at what my options are. We've done this dance before though -- what makes it different this time is that I'm ready to let go. Just be smart with that money. It's your money. It could also be your ticket out once you're ready to use it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
I agree with everyone else....
It's your money. If you let him know that it isn coming, it will be gone. Spent before you even get it. Squirrel it away, you are going to need it.
I too am faced with the possibility of moving my three children and dog in with my parents. Does it kind of suck? Yes. But Florence has the right idea. Many women don't have that option and I'm glad that at least I have that alternative. It's my fall back plan. And in some ways, it might be my best plan financially.
I know that you have a lot on your plate right now. Look after yourself and all your kiddies.
It's your money. If you let him know that it isn coming, it will be gone. Spent before you even get it. Squirrel it away, you are going to need it.
I too am faced with the possibility of moving my three children and dog in with my parents. Does it kind of suck? Yes. But Florence has the right idea. Many women don't have that option and I'm glad that at least I have that alternative. It's my fall back plan. And in some ways, it might be my best plan financially.
I know that you have a lot on your plate right now. Look after yourself and all your kiddies.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Say nothing about the money. Do not cash the check!
Keep going to the meetings. You're confused and undecided, so there is no better time than now for getting guidance and options from working the program.
Waiting IS an action, a choice. It is not giving in or being a doormat.
Keep going to the meetings. You're confused and undecided, so there is no better time than now for getting guidance and options from working the program.
Waiting IS an action, a choice. It is not giving in or being a doormat.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Absolutely do not let him know the money is coming. Maybe put it in a high yield savings account, like one I have through ING (I can email you a link with rate info and details, if you're interested). You can squirrel away your getaway fund and he'll never know. I can help by asking around about jobs. You're a military spouse, so you have preference points. I'm two hours driving from Seattle (we're stationed at Naval Air Station Whidbey Island), but I know people at various installations in the Puget Sound area. Not much else I can do, but I am willing to put out feelers if you might seriously want to come back here.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
" Do not cash the check!"
To me, this is very bad advice, most checks have a stale date on them. Open an account in your name and deposit the check in that account and do not tell him, your business, not his.
To me, this is very bad advice, most checks have a stale date on them. Open an account in your name and deposit the check in that account and do not tell him, your business, not his.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Yes, dollydo, I just meant "Derbygirl don't turn it into cash" that he could find or use in the home. Plus that money can only be used for certain purposes anyway, so you may want to take care of what it's supposed to be used for directly with that check (or close enough). Get my drift?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Deptford, NJ
Posts: 9
Derby,I wish I would have your choice to have my family to go to! I have no one and I would leave in a second if I were you....but this is me. You have to make your own decisions and it seems you are on your way. Tell you what: if you have to choose to live with an alcoholic, would you? What if you have to choose to live with a loving, considerate man? Which one would you choose? It is that simple sometimes. It is about the choices we make .
Good Luck!
You are going to make the best choice for you and your children I`m sure.
Good Luck!
You are going to make the best choice for you and your children I`m sure.
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