lillamy

I got a long e-mail from my AXH this morning. A very interesting one, now that I've talked myself down.

Since we divorced, he's gone through a number of girlfriends. The current one, I don't even have a name for -- the kids have seen I believe five in 2 1/2 years. I'm in a new relationship as well -- and introducing the kids to my new man was a total non-issue as he's been a presence in their lives forever (as an old friend of mine).

So I get this e-mail out of nowhere from AXH telling me that he is outraged that I am happy. Well, that's not what it said, but that was the general meaning of it. And that I should not show the kids I'm happy in my new relationship because when he asks the kids about the new man in my life, they tell him that I'm happier than they've ever seen me and hearing that hurts his feelings.

So let's analyze this for a moment: I've moved on and I'm living my life. I'm happy. The kids see this. Now, the kids are not stupid. And they do love their father. They wouldn't volunteer that I'm "happier than they've ever seen me" out of concern for his feelings. But when he asks, and they tell him, I'm the bad guy because by being happy and showing the kids I'm happy, I'm making him feel bad. That's nuts. In a nutshell.

STILL -- when I read that e-mail, my immediate physical response was SHAME. GUILT. I actually felt like I had done something wrong. Like I owed it to him to remain unhappy until such a time that he determines my life doesn't affect him anymore. Like I ought to wait for him to give me the go-ahead to be happy. That's even nuttier.

NWGRITS

If my AM isn't happy, nobody's allowed to be happy. Shoot, even if she IS happy (which I don't think I've ever seen in my life), we still can't be happy. She's the center of the universe and anyone being happy isn't focusing on her. I'll never understand it, but I do understand your feelings of guilt and shame. It makes no sense, but that doesn't stop us from having those feelings. Just remember that they're only feelings, and that you deserve to be happy in every way possible. Good for you.

baileyboop

This is a profound post for me in identifying some of my codependency issues and how sometimes I am my own worst enemy because I don't allow myself the right to be happy unless it is "ok" with everyone else first. Thanks for sharing

Pelican

Lillamy,

I am glad your children have you to role model a healthy, adult relationship! They are very perceptive. You are a good mom!

lillamy

Pelican,

That is my goal. My therapist has kept telling me to focus on what I can control -- my children's environment when they are with me. She keeps saying "people gravitate toward healthy environments. Even very young children will gravitate toward contexts that make them feel safe, secure, loved, and respected."

I think I've told this story before but it's so powerful I want to share it again: She had a group of siblings as clients, I think the oldest one was eight. They had basically been left to fend for themselves by parents who were both addicts. My therapist said she was astounded at how polite, clean, and well-behaved the kids were. And the oldest one said, "We watch a lot of TV. And we love the Cosby Show. That's what we would like our family to be like. And even though our parents aren't anything like the Cosby parents, we can still be like the Cosby kids."

So even a fictional healthy family pulled those kids in and gave them something to model their lives on. That is pretty huge, in my book. And that should give us who share children with addicts hope. We can give them a new healthy to model their lives on.

SparkleKitty

I literally burst out laughing when I read this post. Not at you, or at your response, but at the...ugh...sheer...OMG...AUDACITY. You cannot be happy because I am not happy? Oh FOR THE LOVE. I am at a loss.

I am so sorry that this brought you feelings of shame and guilt. He is the one who should be ashamed. Your kids are so lucky to have you. Sheesh.

marie1960

I got quite a chuckle of your your whiny a$$ EXH analogy too. Good grief.........

May you and your kids continue to thrive, I am so happy you are spending time with someone that is obviously lifting all of you up.

fluffyflea

Ha ha ha ha ha, twisted isn't it?

LifeRecovery

I think you showed your true recovery (regardless of your first knee jerk reaction).

You might always have that as your first reaction....the fact is that you did not stay in it (or if you did not for long). Good for you.

Rosiepetal

You have every right to be & feel happy. Go for it.

WishingWell

No one can "make" us feel like we can't be happy, we volunteer for it! I totally understand how you're feeling, I felt this way my entire life with my birth family. And the "codependent" in my always tried to downplay my life so that I wouldn't get into "trouble" for it and so that they would love me.

I did this. They might (or might not) have been jealous that didn't mean that I had to feel shame and guilt. It was only when I looked at ME that I started to grow and change. I love the fact that you are in therapy, this is about you far more than it is about him. A healthy response, and you will get there, would not be guilt and shame no matter what someone else says. You know, we can't blame everyone else on how WE feel. That's our job. Not theirs.

We also need to recover and get our act together - one day at a time.

Confetti

The insanity! It's funny just how crazy A's reasoning can be.... I mean 'you should be unhappy until a time exists when I say you can be otherwise' theory is comical, to say the least.

Good for you!

People say that happiness is contagious (or is that yawning?!), maybe It'll rub off on AXH and he won't have any need to send you ridiculous e-mails!

Seren

Thank you for sharing that, lillamy, that was awesome!

And yes....there was a time when I would have had the same initial reaction after my xH divorced me. That's right, he divorced me, and I still would have felt bad if I received a similar message from him.

Just had to chuckle!

dandylion

Dear lillamy, your husband's e-mail qualifies as the loudest QUACKING I have heard in a while. So stupid it is funny (to me). Maybe add this one to the ongoing QUACKERS list?

Your story about the Cosby kids, I think, deserves a seperate thread. I remember it from when you posted it before--and am glad you posted it again. It is a powerful reminder of how children will gravitate to what is healthy, if given a chance!!

There are so many parents (and concerned grandparents) who read this forum, that dispair that their children have no chance for healthy development. They need the hope of what is possible. They would be more empowered by this knowlege.

Thanks for posting today.

dandylion

MamaKit

Lillamy,
How utterly ridiculous your AXH's whining sounds to me! And how illogical to me that you would feel shame and guilt. But if I put myself in that same situation, I know that would be my initial response and feeling too! My AXH and I don't even communicate at the moment and I have felt guilt about happy times that my boys have had with me and my wonderful family since he's been gone. (Experiences that he discouraged because, heaven forbid, I spend time with normal, kind people!)
Good for you for recognizing your "off-course" reaction and correcting it. YOU are a wonderful role model for your children. And something tells me that will be enough. (Cosby show influence would just be gravy!)

I'm seeing changes in my boys now that they have been away from STBAXH destructive example and have been more exposed to healthy, kind-hearted and responsible adults. Just the other day, when my oldest was on the phone with Dad talking about a rather humorous but poorly behaved boy on the school bus, Dad suggested - "next time that boys acts that way just whack him or call him a loser." In the past, my oldest might have found that comment funny because he was accustomed to STBAXH's cruel humor. Instead, my oldest said, "Dad, that's mean, I don't think this boy wants to be naughty, he just wants attention and for people to like him."
Overhearing that was so affirming!!!

Thanks for sharing this great post.
MamaKit

NYCDoglvr

Congratulations on the enormous progress you've made. Alcoholics are self-centered in the extreme. It's the "M&M" disease --me and more. Pray for him, let him go and enjoy your happy relationship. You've earned it.

Tuffgirl

*Shaking my head* I just don't know what to say about the email, except that the way you handled it is most impressive!

You're right, the kids will naturally gravitate toward the environment that is most healthy and consistent. Keep up the good work!

lizatola

A few weeks ago while with the marriage therapist(the first one) my AH spewed out these words, "She's walking around all happy all the time. What the f*ck?" The therapist just sat there with his mouth open. And, I felt exactly the way you did....briefly filled with self-doubt and some guilt and shame, too....then I realized: TOUGH! I can be happy if I want to be, I'm tired of letting his misery dictate MY own feelings or enjoyment of the day.

Sorry you had to deal with his quacking, so glad you truly are happier than the kids have ever seen you! They deserve a happy mom!

BrokenHeartWife

my AH spewed out these words, "She's walking around all happy all the time.

My AH has said this to me many times. He's been angry that I'm not a depressed alcoholic person. He has told me that it upsets him to see me happy with the pets or happy going about my day.

My precious dog died last Friday and of course I was devastated. I guess because I'm not "happy" now, he feels better???

Honestly, I could totally see my AH doing the same thing....having a ton of girlfriends, but being VERY upset if I was happy with someone else. These people are irrational thinkers.

You can't make sense out of nonsense.