BlueSkiesAgain

My son is wanting his car since he moved out and we have said no because we are afraid of drinking and driving. He is going to AA and is doing well. He likes his independence and feels that living on his own is helpful. I agree.

He was just offered an amazing job and will need a car to get to and from work. Currently he is using his car to go to school and AA and otherwise we have the car at our house.

I am considering giving him the option of installing an in car breathalyzer as a condition of getting the car. If he agrees he can have the car if not he won't get it. This is his last year of college and the job he has been offered is fantastic. He wants to get his life together and seems to be doing a good job. I don't want to give in with the car but think that compromising may be good.

Opinions?

BlueSkiesAgain

I should add that son was arrested once the month before he turned 21. He was walking home from a friends house because he didn't want to drink and drive. A police officer saw him and stopped to talk to him and asked for ID. When the officer realized he was 20 he wanted son to tell him where he got the alcohol and son refused. He was arrested for public consumption of alcohol. He paid a fine and that was it. He wasn't mandated to any treatment but we all decided that was best for him.

Thumper

Anyone can blow into that thing.

If you want to give him the car pay one months insurance, put it ALL in his name and let him have it. He'll figure it out.

You can't control his recovery. If he is to recover he'll do it on his own two feet. Every time you control, or nag, or helicopter, you are taking his power and his recovery away from him. You get a measure of comfort or peace of mind at the expense of his growth and recovery. You elevate your needs above his. Not on purpose I know.

I have not walked in your shoes but I can *easily* imagine I would take the very same steps so I don't mean that to sound so harsh or know it all. It is one thing to have an opinion from outside the scene and another from inside it so take my thoughts for what they are worth.

I really admire so much of what you've done up to now. My heart just breaks when I read posts from the parents on the board.

dollydo

"If you want to give him the car pay one months insurance, put it ALL in his name and let him have it. He'll figure it out."

I agree, give him the car, if he wants to, he will drive it in the right direction. If not, he will be at square one and face the consequences of his bad decisions. It is all up to him....you cannot control him into soberity.

You really have come a long way in a short time, I commend you for this...keep moving forward.

Set your bounderies, if he does not do the right thing, there are no more cars, there is no more driving my vehicle, no more of me paying for anything. Say what you mean and mean what you say....for him.... for him to find his own way and become a responsible adult.

suki44883

Just as an FYI, in addition to the initial cost of the breathalyzer and having it installed, the car has to be taken in monthly to have the results read and recalibration. I'm not sure how much that costs, but it's something to keep in mind.

dandylion

Dear Blueskies, DollyDo and Thumper expressed my same take on the situation. My son knew that anything job related tended to "soften" my boundries---thus, I paid the price every time. Once he had a first drink, he would drive---No MATTER how many sweet prom ises he had made.

As I have often said, the learning curve is often steeper and harder for the parent.


dandylion

Kiana

I'm confused on who owns the car.

tomsteve

me,too. could you elaborate? to me, what i am reading sounds like taking a hostage and setting a ransom, but i could use a lil more detail.
if i was in the situation and the car was mine, i wouldnt even give it to my son. in fact, both me and my sons mother made sure our son understood that he was responsible for getting a job, getting a car, and getting it inured. we would help him make decisions, but the footwork was his to do.

Thumper

I think blueskies has said that she owns the car. It is in her name and she pays the insurance.

BlueSkiesAgain

My son is a college student. I bought the car and the insurance is in my name. We have always called it his car because he is (was) the primary driver. Once we found out he was drinking and had an alcohol problem we (his dad and I) refused to allow him to drive the car out. If he wrecks and kills someone we are responsible. He recently moved out and because the car is in our name he is only allowed to borrow it to go to class and to AA meetings. He wants the car and I want to be sure he doesn't drink and drive.

He has been sober for just over two weeks. Not long enough to really be in recovery or to have proved that we should trust him with the car.

dollydo

"He wants the car and I want to be sure he doesn't drink and drive."

There is no way to ever know for sure that an alcoholic does not get behind the wheel when drunk.

If you want to be sure he won't drive the car drunk, then sell it, let him find his own transportation.

Unless you either sign it over to him, including the insurance in his name only, or get rid of it, you will drive yourself crazy over something that you cannot or ever will be able to control.

Kiana

In that case, I wouldn't allow my car to be borrowed.

I would consider gifting them the car if that's what I had originally intended or selling it to them (either way, removing my name from everything, of course) so that it's their sole responsibility.

I don't know how old your son is, but I moved out when I was 16 and couldn't imagine at that time still asking my parents permission for anything...I didn't expect anything to just be handed to me, either.

choublak

Let him buy his own car himself.

tomsteve

thank you or clearing this up. i really hope yer son wants to put in the footwork and stay sober. however, as stated there is no known way to know he will not drink. sure, you could get a blow-n-go installed. it is quite expensive. i have heard time and time again how people have manipulated them. it is not a way to stop someone from drinking. if they want to drink, they will find a way. it wont keep a person from driving drunk either. just not that car.
there is really no way you can make sure he deosnt drink and drive, but you can keep him from drinking and driving your car.

until my family stopped enabling me, i wasnt gonna get into the solution and take responsibility for my life.