Recovering alcoholic husband spinning out of control
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 36
Recovering alcoholic husband spinning out of control
First, I'd like to introduce myself.
I am a recently married twenty-something living in Southern California. My husband and I dated 6 years previous to getting married. My husband is also a recovering alcoholic.
When I met him, he was 4 months sober. He never hid his addiction from me. He was open about it, and I have learned a great deal about the disease and the program.
4 years into his sobriety, he relapsed. I never once saw him drinking and the relapse lasted 3 months. He has been sober ever since(a little over 2 years). He regularly attends meetings but is not applying the message/program to his life. Since I am not an addict and do not attend any sort of meeting, my "opinion is not valid because I don't understand it" like he does, apparently.
He used to work with my father, and things ended very badly. My family is 100% against me being with him. Blame is due on both ends, but my husband is obsessed and is seeking revenge. He blames me for not stopping it, for "endorsing" how my father behaved and for not "demanding" the respect that I deserve. I know this is all bullsh*t and I have no blame for his actions. I have a lot of issues with my father, but I am in my own personal process of forgiveness. I occasionally see my mother(twice, since getting married in August).
Now, after a day with her and my niece, my husband is forbidding me to see them. He is from a different country and is about to buy a ticket to go back. To leave me, divorce me, leave me with a mountain of debt, horrific credit and not to mention the money wasted on the immigration process. We have an apartment together, a car, bills to pay, cellphone contracts, a life together.
He is in a very deep, dark place. I know and understand that the natural path of the addict has to take place. I know he has to hit rock bottom on this. I know I can't stop this monster called addiction. I know how to act and what words to say. To not raise my voice or get angry, because thats what the demon in him wants.
I know that this is his demon speaking and acting. This is not the man I fell in love with all those years ago.
Please anyone - any advice? Words of comfort or aid, anything will do. I can't keep being the "rock" here. At some point I stopped being the girlfriend/wife and started becoming his guard at the psych ward. I refuse living a miserable life with someone who cant get his head out of his @ss and realize he has everything he could ever want in life- that he is truly blessed.
I will not lose my mind over this.
I am a recently married twenty-something living in Southern California. My husband and I dated 6 years previous to getting married. My husband is also a recovering alcoholic.
When I met him, he was 4 months sober. He never hid his addiction from me. He was open about it, and I have learned a great deal about the disease and the program.
4 years into his sobriety, he relapsed. I never once saw him drinking and the relapse lasted 3 months. He has been sober ever since(a little over 2 years). He regularly attends meetings but is not applying the message/program to his life. Since I am not an addict and do not attend any sort of meeting, my "opinion is not valid because I don't understand it" like he does, apparently.
He used to work with my father, and things ended very badly. My family is 100% against me being with him. Blame is due on both ends, but my husband is obsessed and is seeking revenge. He blames me for not stopping it, for "endorsing" how my father behaved and for not "demanding" the respect that I deserve. I know this is all bullsh*t and I have no blame for his actions. I have a lot of issues with my father, but I am in my own personal process of forgiveness. I occasionally see my mother(twice, since getting married in August).
Now, after a day with her and my niece, my husband is forbidding me to see them. He is from a different country and is about to buy a ticket to go back. To leave me, divorce me, leave me with a mountain of debt, horrific credit and not to mention the money wasted on the immigration process. We have an apartment together, a car, bills to pay, cellphone contracts, a life together.
He is in a very deep, dark place. I know and understand that the natural path of the addict has to take place. I know he has to hit rock bottom on this. I know I can't stop this monster called addiction. I know how to act and what words to say. To not raise my voice or get angry, because thats what the demon in him wants.
I know that this is his demon speaking and acting. This is not the man I fell in love with all those years ago.
Please anyone - any advice? Words of comfort or aid, anything will do. I can't keep being the "rock" here. At some point I stopped being the girlfriend/wife and started becoming his guard at the psych ward. I refuse living a miserable life with someone who cant get his head out of his @ss and realize he has everything he could ever want in life- that he is truly blessed.
I will not lose my mind over this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: California
Posts: 99
sounds like control tactics... dont let his threats stop you from seeing your family...
if he wants to divorce you .. its a free country... you will survive... but dont worry.. addicts are almost impossible to get rid of that easily...a concept that helped me a lot... "don't analyze and try to understand WHY someone behaves in an unacceptable way... you will end up rationalizing it... simply don't accept or excuse bad behavior.." Im reading a book about manipulative personalities called "In Sheep's Clothing.." Wish i had read this 20 years ago
if he wants to divorce you .. its a free country... you will survive... but dont worry.. addicts are almost impossible to get rid of that easily...a concept that helped me a lot... "don't analyze and try to understand WHY someone behaves in an unacceptable way... you will end up rationalizing it... simply don't accept or excuse bad behavior.." Im reading a book about manipulative personalities called "In Sheep's Clothing.." Wish i had read this 20 years ago
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Luri, Welcome to SR!
I'm sorry to hear about your husband's relapse, but there is nothing that you can do or say at this point to get him to change the direction of his life. I wish I could tell you some magic phrase or some sure-fire action you could take--but there is none. It sounds like you know that.
At this point in time, he seems to be exhibiting the self-centered and blaming behavior that, while not universal, is common among active addicts. Also, isolating you from the rest of your friends and family can be considered an early sign of emotional abuse.
Please take good care of yourself, use the tools you have gained over time as you learned about addiction. Now is when they will be of the most use. Also work to shore up and secure your finances. Active addiction uses a lot of money.
I hope you will make yourself at home here. Come here to post and vent anytime you need! Welcome, again. HG
I'm sorry to hear about your husband's relapse, but there is nothing that you can do or say at this point to get him to change the direction of his life. I wish I could tell you some magic phrase or some sure-fire action you could take--but there is none. It sounds like you know that.
At this point in time, he seems to be exhibiting the self-centered and blaming behavior that, while not universal, is common among active addicts. Also, isolating you from the rest of your friends and family can be considered an early sign of emotional abuse.
Please take good care of yourself, use the tools you have gained over time as you learned about addiction. Now is when they will be of the most use. Also work to shore up and secure your finances. Active addiction uses a lot of money.
I hope you will make yourself at home here. Come here to post and vent anytime you need! Welcome, again. HG
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Luri, it sounds like you have been through a lot. You must feel like you have been kicked in the stomach by a mule.
The only advice that I can give yo right now is to try to think of what is the best for you. You seem to understand how insane this disease is. Don't let it make you crazy and hurt yourself any further.
Alanon would offer you the understanding and caring that you need, right now.
Keep your faith---and take this one day at a time.
dandylion
P.S. come here and post/vent as often as you want
The only advice that I can give yo right now is to try to think of what is the best for you. You seem to understand how insane this disease is. Don't let it make you crazy and hurt yourself any further.
Alanon would offer you the understanding and caring that you need, right now.
Keep your faith---and take this one day at a time.
dandylion
P.S. come here and post/vent as often as you want
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I believe that the two of you would have to be married for 5 years in order for him to become a US citizen. So if that is what he wants,he probably will not divorce you.
If you want out, get an annalument, close all bank accounts and credit cards in both your names, stop comingling funds.
If you want to stay then I would suggest that you read Codependent No More by Meoldie Beattie, cynical one's blogs that can be gotten to at the top of this page, and, start attenting
Alanon meetings.
It is all about how you want to spend the rest of your life, with an alcoholic abuser or not, that is the bottom line.
Keep reading, keep posting, it willhelp.
If you want out, get an annalument, close all bank accounts and credit cards in both your names, stop comingling funds.
If you want to stay then I would suggest that you read Codependent No More by Meoldie Beattie, cynical one's blogs that can be gotten to at the top of this page, and, start attenting
Alanon meetings.
It is all about how you want to spend the rest of your life, with an alcoholic abuser or not, that is the bottom line.
Keep reading, keep posting, it willhelp.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I read on SR to inform myself everything I can as I too am dealing with a relapse of my formerly years Sober AH. We aren't where you are YET still in very beginning stages.
These are things that have happened to you that you wrote in your post.
You have already been through this once.
You now have bad credit
You have a mountain of debt
Your relationship with YOUR family has been fractured
Your AH is now insisting you sever whatever ties you have left with YOUR family
You are no longer a wife but rather the gatekeeper at crazyland
Your AH has no issue with leaving you to clean up the monster mess he made.
Please reread the above 100 times. Alcoholics and addicts are TORNADOS, tsunamis and earthquakes combined. What of your life right now is left and still functioning?
Is it worth it to you to lose it all - friends, family, security, stability, your career, your reputation eveything? is it worth it over a person who caused it all and has made it very clear to you he will leave you drowning while he floats away on the life raft?
I have more compassion for you than you know - I am lucky - i found SR when mine started. I read, I believe, I trust what is on here. I do not rationalize that I am the special one who has a special alcoholic with a conscience that won't do it to me.
Save yourself my dear. Peace and love YOU CAN DO IT!!
These are things that have happened to you that you wrote in your post.
You have already been through this once.
You now have bad credit
You have a mountain of debt
Your relationship with YOUR family has been fractured
Your AH is now insisting you sever whatever ties you have left with YOUR family
You are no longer a wife but rather the gatekeeper at crazyland
Your AH has no issue with leaving you to clean up the monster mess he made.
Please reread the above 100 times. Alcoholics and addicts are TORNADOS, tsunamis and earthquakes combined. What of your life right now is left and still functioning?
Is it worth it to you to lose it all - friends, family, security, stability, your career, your reputation eveything? is it worth it over a person who caused it all and has made it very clear to you he will leave you drowning while he floats away on the life raft?
I have more compassion for you than you know - I am lucky - i found SR when mine started. I read, I believe, I trust what is on here. I do not rationalize that I am the special one who has a special alcoholic with a conscience that won't do it to me.
Save yourself my dear. Peace and love YOU CAN DO IT!!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
When demons have come into my life, life was hell for me. And I tolerated it and allowed myself to continue to be hurt, because I thought they loved me. When the demons decided to leave, it was hard, and it hurt beyond description, but I learned to let go. I have never regretted letting demons leave my life. It is much easier and I am much happier without demons. You cannot change a demon or talk sense into them.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
Dang girl, let him go. You will survive. Don't let him take any more from you. These days I wish my abf had another country he could run off to. I'd help him pack. With the help of family and friends you will come out of this a better person!
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Making meetings: You can sit in a garage for years and not become a car! You have to work on yourself by DOING the program.
Just remember that when you start going to Al-Anon, and you'll stop being the guard at the psych ward! Al-Anon, which is also a Twelve Step program will help you better understand his journey without crossing to his side of the street.
Be careful but take your time to make any big decisions.
Just remember that when you start going to Al-Anon, and you'll stop being the guard at the psych ward! Al-Anon, which is also a Twelve Step program will help you better understand his journey without crossing to his side of the street.
Be careful but take your time to make any big decisions.
"In fact, we suggest that newcomers to Al-Anon make no major decisions [domestic violence and abuse cases excepted], because we find that our perspective on our circumstances undergoes a dramatic change during that time. By waiting, we often find options we had not considered previously and discover that, over time, we become better able to make decisions we can live with." How Al-Anon Works, page 16.
All the best to you. Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 36
This thread is from almost a year ago but I just wanted to add that later that day (Oct 12th) I went to my first Al-Anon meeting and have been going ever since. If anyone ever reads this thread again and can relate to it, PLEASE try Al-Anon. Saved my life!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Luri, thanks so much for showing the change that can happen in a year of Alanon!
I see sometimes where people post that they "got nothing out of Alanon, just a bunch of people sitting around whining and crying about what their A did", and I just feel really frustrated that A) meetings like that even exist, and B) that people go there and assume that's what it's really all about, b/c how would they know any different?
Again, thanks for bumping up your post and for your testimony as to what a (healthy) Alanon group can do for a person!
I see sometimes where people post that they "got nothing out of Alanon, just a bunch of people sitting around whining and crying about what their A did", and I just feel really frustrated that A) meetings like that even exist, and B) that people go there and assume that's what it's really all about, b/c how would they know any different?
Again, thanks for bumping up your post and for your testimony as to what a (healthy) Alanon group can do for a person!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I didn't notice the date on this when I started reading through it, and was worried for you. What a great surprise to see the update from you at the end!!! SO glad you found AlAnon, and glad you're doing well. Can you share how it helped you, and where your relationships are today?
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Originally Posted by honeypig 
Luri, thanks so much for showing the change that can happen in a year of Alanon!
I see sometimes where people post that they "got nothing out of Alanon, just a bunch of people sitting around whining and crying about what their A did", and I just feel really frustrated that A) meetings like that even exist, and B) that people go there and assume that's what it's really all about, b/c how would they know any different?
Again, thanks for bumping up your post and for your testimony as to what a (healthy) Alanon group can do for a person!
I see sometimes where people post that they "got nothing out of Alanon, just a bunch of people sitting around whining and crying about what their A did", and I just feel really frustrated that A) meetings like that even exist, and B) that people go there and assume that's what it's really all about, b/c how would they know any different?
Again, thanks for bumping up your post and for your testimony as to what a (healthy) Alanon group can do for a person!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by Recovering2
I didn't notice the date on this when I started reading through it, and was worried for you. What a great surprise to see the update from you at the end!!! SO glad you found AlAnon, and glad you're doing well. Can you share how it helped you, and where your relationships are today?
It sounds so cliche but Al-Anon has shown me that I'm not a victim. That my happiness depends on me, that no matter what "justification" I think I have, it's not ok to lash out or attack someone who has a disease. I am married to an alcoholic and I have learned to not REACT, not ENGAGE and not to NAG. The Dos and Donts have saved my life.
I learned that if I go looking for something in his phone, computer, pockets, bank account whatever I will ALWAYS find something...so I don't go looking.
I have learned to take care of myself. If I am hungry I eat, if I am angry I pray, if I am lonely I go to a meeting and if I am tired I sleep(HALT). I have learned how to avoid building resentments. The bathroom is disgusting so nagging my husband for being a pig was totally fine pre Al-Anon. Now I ask myself...did he say he'd clean it and I should just let him do it or do I just simply want the bathroom clean? I do basic chores for fun and for free.
I am still married and very much in love with my husband. Our relationship has its ups and downs, its real - not perfect. My relationship with my family is also back on track. I learned a lot about my family of origin in Al-Anon (both parents were raised in violent alcoholic homes) so it gives me more perspective on them and myself.
Its also important to go to different meetings, to get a feel for the area and the style of each one. No meeting is perfect but I find some have a stronger program than others. Go to Al-Anon at least 6 times and try different groups!
I just moved to a new area so I'm looking for a new sponsor so I can continue working the steps with someone.
I didn't want to believe the things I heard in the program for a while...the things you hear are harsh but its the truth. I was so tired of feeling like a victim... I'm so happy I found Al-Anon
ps. reading some of the posts made here from last year really bummed me out. I wish more people would suggest Al-Anon instead of saying "just dump the guy you're better than that".
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Luri, my sponsor told me on more than one occasion that Alanon isn't for those who NEED it, but for those who WANT it enough to pursue it and listen and learn thru what seems harsh...which is exactly what you have done.
I do my best to suggest Alanon to any newcomers here, hoping it helps them see their way clear...
I do my best to suggest Alanon to any newcomers here, hoping it helps them see their way clear...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Unfortunately this is fairly typical of alcoholics with no program of recovery or therapy. As long as you stay with him you'll deal with this to a greater or lesser degree. So it's your choice in the life you care to live, the people you want in your life. We're all powerless over other people and there's nothing you can say or do if he decides to push the down button on the elevator. Is it ok with you to be told you're forbidden to do something?
Since he sounds like he may be leaving, I suggest getting a lawyer and getting your papers in order, anything joint moved to your name. He may come back but you may never see him again, it's out of your control.
I'm very sorry you're going through such an earth shaking experience and hope you can gather a strong support team. It's too painful to go through this alone. Talk to your parents and be honest, rally the folks in Alanon. I promise you'll get through this with the help and support of others.
Since he sounds like he may be leaving, I suggest getting a lawyer and getting your papers in order, anything joint moved to your name. He may come back but you may never see him again, it's out of your control.
I'm very sorry you're going through such an earth shaking experience and hope you can gather a strong support team. It's too painful to go through this alone. Talk to your parents and be honest, rally the folks in Alanon. I promise you'll get through this with the help and support of others.
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