Getting past the questions
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Mass
Posts: 149
Getting past the questions
I've said before that I am a helicopter parent. I am the worse with this and I know it. My younger son 17yo and top student great kid with no addiction issues told me last night that I needed to realize that when he leaves for college that he won't be asking for permission to go on weekend trips, etc. Interesting because I just assumed he would let me know when he takes weekend trips. I say this just to explain my level of helicoptering.
Now, here is where my newest issue comes in. I realize AA is an anonymous program people in the program don't talk about what goes on in there. My AS is going and seems to be doing well with the program. Likes the people in his small group, etc. When I see him after the meeting I have a ton of questions. He says he can't talk about it. I ask questions like to you have an official sponsor? He has someone but I don't if he is the one he will work the program with. I ask if he has started on the 12 steps and he doesn't want to tell me anything. I ask if he told them he moved out and he said "don't ask me questions". I know I need to leave it alone and be glad he is working on him but it gives me comfort to know that he is working and I think my questions come from an insecurity of what may happen. He is going because my husband passes on his way home and he is always there on the days he is supposed to be. My husband doesn't make a special point to check but does notice and he knows I will ask if son's car was there. And as far as the car goes we do allow him to borrow it for AA meetings and to get to school but otherwise he doesn't have a car.
Also, I seem to always ask if he has been drinking. Or something like "did you drink last night?" I know I need to stop it but it is so hard. This is truly about me and I realize it. Now I just need to STOP IT. I feel like I am so fixated on his drinking now. To my knowledge and I do believe it he has had a drink for more than two weeks.
He is actually trying to set boundaries for me and I'm having a hard time.
Now, here is where my newest issue comes in. I realize AA is an anonymous program people in the program don't talk about what goes on in there. My AS is going and seems to be doing well with the program. Likes the people in his small group, etc. When I see him after the meeting I have a ton of questions. He says he can't talk about it. I ask questions like to you have an official sponsor? He has someone but I don't if he is the one he will work the program with. I ask if he has started on the 12 steps and he doesn't want to tell me anything. I ask if he told them he moved out and he said "don't ask me questions". I know I need to leave it alone and be glad he is working on him but it gives me comfort to know that he is working and I think my questions come from an insecurity of what may happen. He is going because my husband passes on his way home and he is always there on the days he is supposed to be. My husband doesn't make a special point to check but does notice and he knows I will ask if son's car was there. And as far as the car goes we do allow him to borrow it for AA meetings and to get to school but otherwise he doesn't have a car.
Also, I seem to always ask if he has been drinking. Or something like "did you drink last night?" I know I need to stop it but it is so hard. This is truly about me and I realize it. Now I just need to STOP IT. I feel like I am so fixated on his drinking now. To my knowledge and I do believe it he has had a drink for more than two weeks.
He is actually trying to set boundaries for me and I'm having a hard time.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Have you read cynical one's blogs? Codependent No More? I believe that you would benefit from reading both the blogs and Melodie Beattie's book.
Your children are growing up, it is not healthy for them or you to keep attempting to control them. They need to learn how to make their own decisions, to learn from their mistakes, you cannot control their entire life, you will suffocate them, they will pull away, your behavior will force them to do this. I know that this is not what you want, when they become adults, they will stand on a equal plain with you and should be treated accordingly.
You sound like a very caring mother, might be time to start letting go, for your and their well-being.
I am sorry that you are stuggling.
Your children are growing up, it is not healthy for them or you to keep attempting to control them. They need to learn how to make their own decisions, to learn from their mistakes, you cannot control their entire life, you will suffocate them, they will pull away, your behavior will force them to do this. I know that this is not what you want, when they become adults, they will stand on a equal plain with you and should be treated accordingly.
You sound like a very caring mother, might be time to start letting go, for your and their well-being.
I am sorry that you are stuggling.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Mass
Posts: 149
Originally Posted by Katiekate 
It's a control thing I think.
My guess is the more you let go, the more he will share.
It must make you nuts to be so focused on someone else, ask me how I know.
Are you going to al anon???
My guess is the more you let go, the more he will share.
It must make you nuts to be so focused on someone else, ask me how I know.
Are you going to al anon???
I'm slowly learning.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
I don't know where in Massachusetts you live, but here's a long list of meetings in that state. Perhaps there is something closer than you think?
Al-Anon Family Groups of Massachusetts Find a Meeting
Al-Anon Family Groups of Massachusetts Find a Meeting
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Mass
Posts: 149
Originally Posted by dollydo
Have you read cynical one's blogs? Codependent No More? I believe that you would benefit from reading both the blogs and Melodie Beattie's book.
Your children are growing up, it is not healthy for them or you to keep attempting to control them. They need to learn how to make their own decisions, to learn from their mistakes, you cannot control their entire life, you will suffocate them, they will pull away, your behavior will force them to do this. I know that this is not what you want, when they become adults, they will stand on a equal plain with you and should be treated accordingly.
You sound like a very caring mother, might be time to start letting go, for your and their well-being.
I am sorry that you are stuggling.
Your children are growing up, it is not healthy for them or you to keep attempting to control them. They need to learn how to make their own decisions, to learn from their mistakes, you cannot control their entire life, you will suffocate them, they will pull away, your behavior will force them to do this. I know that this is not what you want, when they become adults, they will stand on a equal plain with you and should be treated accordingly.
You sound like a very caring mother, might be time to start letting go, for your and their well-being.
I am sorry that you are stuggling.
You know when the kids were little and I was overly involved I was the dream parent at school. I know I need to step back and I have been working on it. I'm going to work through this but I really needed to verbalize what I am doing. It seems really irrational after I read back over what I have written but the truth is I am one of those parents.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You are searching for answers, this is good. Life is a learning process, I am older than dirt, and I still learn something new each and every day. Keep questioning, keep reading and posting, believe me it will help.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Awareness before Acceptance before Action. You are now aware, and it sounds like you have accepted that this is the way it is and has to be (letting go of your adult children). So, 2 out of 3 ain't bad for starters. Now, just work on the Action part!
Picture your son AS IF he were one of your siblings' or friends' adult children. You can be friends with their children BUT what would you do for and ask their children? How far would you go? Looking at it that way may help you err on the side of not helicoptering, hovering or interfering. In the end, it may just help you remain "friends" with your adut children instead of alienating them.
You're making progress!
Picture your son AS IF he were one of your siblings' or friends' adult children. You can be friends with their children BUT what would you do for and ask their children? How far would you go? Looking at it that way may help you err on the side of not helicoptering, hovering or interfering. In the end, it may just help you remain "friends" with your adut children instead of alienating them.
You're making progress!
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