Getting Them Sober - Summaries (Vol. 1)
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Getting Them Sober - Summaries (Vol. 1)
These are the Chapter headers or summaries from “Getting Them Sober (Volume 1)” by Toby Rice Drews (1994)(politically corrected here; A = Alcoholic):
Chapter 1 – No More Taking the Blame for Someone Else’s Drinking
You cannot cause anyone to drink.
You cannot control anyone’s drinking.
You cannot cure anyone’s drinking. [Al-Anon's 3 C’s].
Chapter 2 – Be Gentle with Yourself
Give yourself credit for small successes.
You are not a failure as a [spouse] when you are angry.
Living with an alcoholic is too much for most people.
Chapter 3 – Don’t Worry About Whether [He’s/She’s] Really An Alcoholic
If it’s that much of a problem, then [he/she] probably is.
Social drinkers don’t usually upset their families with their drinking.
Chapter 4 – Don’t Pour Out the Booze
[The A will] get more – doesn’t [the A] always?
It costs too much to replace it. (It’s your budget too).
Chapter 5 – Learn to Relax
Panic is distressing, but not dangerous.
Don’t be afraid of being afraid.
Chapter 6 – Don’t Be Afraid of Losing [the A] Because You’re Changing
You’re not as dependent as you think you are.
Your alcoholic often needs you more than (s)he will ever admit.
It’s very hard to lose an alcoholic.
Chapter 7 – Stop Arguing With [Her/Him] (It Works!)
It’s like arguing with a bottle
It’s usually useless.
Chapter 8 – Do One Thing Every Day Just For Yourself
Make it last for at least fifteen minutes.
It must be something that is pure fun.
It must be something that is just for you.
Chapter 9 – Use Tough Love
Tough love is tough on everybody.
It hurts as much as surgery.
And it’s every bit as necessary.
Chapter 10 – Don’t Ride With the A When the A’s Drunk
Don’t put up with [the A’s] “cute” games of gunning the motor, driving too fast, letting go of the wheel (and holding it with [the] knees)
Don’t be afraid of losing [the A] to someone else if you say “no” to this kind of driving.
[The A] won’t drive more or less carefully, whether you’re with [the A] or not. Remember this when you worry about whether [the A] will hurt [himself/herself].
Chapter 11 – Confront [the A]!
Confront [the A] when [the A’s] sober.
Confront [the A] when you’re calm.
Chapter 12 – Walk Away From Abuse
The battering will get worse.
It won’t just stop “tomorrow.”
Things are as bad as you think.
Not being battered is certainly a reasonable expectation from a [spouse]!
Chapter 13 – Accept Yourself
Accept the fact that you can’t leave emotionally.
Accept the realization that you hate staying.
Both of these feelings are normal.
Chapter 14 – Don’t Believe “Drunk Is Fun!”
[The A’s] absolutely crazy if [the A] acts like it’s fun.
Living with [the A] is like living in an insane asylum – without doctors.
No one in the “outside world” who is not an alcoholic thinks [the A’s] world is fun – or sane!
Chapter 15 – Tell Your Families? Only If You Want To!
Both sets of parents are adults.
[The A] does have a disease.
You are not a failure because your [spouse] got sick.
Chapter 16 – Mean What You Say and Say What You Mean [but don’t say it mean – Al-Anon]
Think before you make a threat or a promise.
You can conquer your guilt feelings.
Learn to accept yourself as a human being.
Chapter 17 – Deal With [the A’s] Arrogance!
[The A] is only a paper tiger.
The real world sees him as pathetic.
You are a lot more powerful than you think you are.
Chapter 18 – Don’t Change Your Address!
Booze is everywhere.
Running increases panic.
Running helps [the A] to continue to deny.
Chapter 19 – Hide the Car Keys?
Let go, and let God.
You must do what is least uncomfortable for you.
Chapter 20 – You Have the Right to Get Sick Too!
[The A] expects that he will always “make mistakes.”
[The A] expects that you will never fail [him/her].
Chapter 21 – Learn About Blackouts
It’s like being unconscious – while fully awake.
It’s like amnesia afterwards.
Chapter 22 – Try to Remember It’s A Disease
But it doesn’t mean you have to accept unacceptable behavior.
Don’t punish the alcoholic; it will only add to your guilt.
Don’t pity the alcoholic; it will only lead back into rescuing [her/him].
Chapter 23 – Let the Crises Happen
They might save [the A's] life.
They will save your sanity.
Chapter 24 – No More Lying to [the A’s] Boss!
Losing [his/her] job may be just what [he/she] needs to want sobriety.
Every time you let go of [his/her] problem, you get healthier.
Chapter 25 – Start to Get Help – Even Though [She’s/He’s] the Alcoholic.
If you live with insanity long enough, you:
a. feel insane, b. act insane.
Chapter 26 – Stay with [the A] or Leave [the A] “Just for Today”
Don’t be angry with yourself for not having left [the A] before.
You have more options than you think:
- You can stay, and leave the room or the house for a while.
- You can leave for a few days.
- You can leave for weeks or months and see your spouse when you want to.
You’ll think of many more choices when you remember that your alcoholic needs you very much, even though [she/he] denies it.
Chapter 27 – Break Out of Your Isolation
It will help you get an emotional distance.
You’ll even start to be able to make rational decisions again.
Chapter 28 – Stop Asking Permission!
It feels good temporarily – it makes you feel secure and “taken care of” – but it’s still an illusion.
It’s your way to please [the A] and keep [the A] pleased so [the A] won’t be nasty or drink anymore – but it doesn’t work.
Chapter 29 – Act As If You Love You
Make believe, and you will believe.
Get the body there, and the mind will follow.
Act your way to good feelings.
Chapter 30 – Put [the A] in the Back of Your Mind
[The A] doesn’t think about you most of the time.
Martyrdom is not a virtue.
Chapter 31 – Don’t Feel Guilty When You’re Mad
Angry thoughts don’t hurt people (They only hurt you, if you “hang on” to them.)
Anybody who’s normal would want to thrash [the A].
Chapter 32 – Forget [the A’s] Bad Mouth
If Florence Nightingale were married to an alcoholic, [the A’d] tell her she was a lousy nurse. And [the A’d] have her believing it.
Chapter 33 – Don’t Say You’re Changing – Just Do It
The alcoholic hears what you do, not what you say.
The less you act afraid, the less afraid you’ll be.
When you “explain yourself,” you come off like a victim.
When you “explain yourself,” you often don’t carry through with what you said you would do.
Chapter 34 – Stop Telling Him to Get Sober (Don’t Talk to Brick Walls Either)
[The A] will do what [the A] wants to do, anyway.
[The A] will probably do just the opposite of what you ask [the A] to do – just because you asked [the A] to.
Once you take your eyes off [the A], [she/he] will just revert back to [the A’s] sick behavior if [the A] intends to stay sick – so, it’s a futile effort.
Chapter 35 – Don’t Get Scared When [the A] Threatens To Drink
At first, just act like you’re not reacting.
The worst thing you can do is to let an alcoholic think you’re afraid of [him/her].
You will get to the point where you just don’t care if [he/she] threatens or not.
Chapter 36 – Wipe Out Saying “You’ve Been Drinking Again!”
[The A] knows it.
It’s useless.
There’s a more effective way to make your point.
Chapter 37 – Don’t Expect [the A] To Be Sober
[The A] does mean it when [the A] promises [the A] won’t drink again, but [the A] probably can’t keep that promise – and [the A] doesn’t know it.
The paradox is: when you truly stop expecting [the A] to be sober, [the A] has a better chance to be sober.
Chapter 38 – Stop Checking the Bars
I know it gives temporary relief just to know – but it’s basically part of a downhill trip in self-esteem.
If you can’t stop it entirely, try to postpone the call; fill up your time with something pleasurable, before you go or call.
Remember that you must be easy on yourself and give yourself a lot of credit when you begin to stop yourself, just even once in a while.
You don’t believe this now, because it’s so hard to imagine – but, you will get to a point where you really won’t care whether [the A’s] at a bar, ever again.
Chapter 39 – Don’t Beg [the A] to Stay
You’re not as vulnerable as you think you are.
Chapter 40 – Don’t Be Scared That [the A] Will Leave if [the A] Gets Well
Well [men/women] don’t do that.
There’s a big difference between “dry” and “sober.”
If [the A] threatens this, [the A’s] still very sick.
Chapter 41 – Getting Help [Al-Anon, Counseling, Etc.]
Chapter 1 – No More Taking the Blame for Someone Else’s Drinking
You cannot cause anyone to drink.
You cannot control anyone’s drinking.
You cannot cure anyone’s drinking. [Al-Anon's 3 C’s].
Chapter 2 – Be Gentle with Yourself
Give yourself credit for small successes.
You are not a failure as a [spouse] when you are angry.
Living with an alcoholic is too much for most people.
Chapter 3 – Don’t Worry About Whether [He’s/She’s] Really An Alcoholic
If it’s that much of a problem, then [he/she] probably is.
Social drinkers don’t usually upset their families with their drinking.
Chapter 4 – Don’t Pour Out the Booze
[The A will] get more – doesn’t [the A] always?
It costs too much to replace it. (It’s your budget too).
Chapter 5 – Learn to Relax
Panic is distressing, but not dangerous.
Don’t be afraid of being afraid.
Chapter 6 – Don’t Be Afraid of Losing [the A] Because You’re Changing
You’re not as dependent as you think you are.
Your alcoholic often needs you more than (s)he will ever admit.
It’s very hard to lose an alcoholic.
Chapter 7 – Stop Arguing With [Her/Him] (It Works!)
It’s like arguing with a bottle
It’s usually useless.
Chapter 8 – Do One Thing Every Day Just For Yourself
Make it last for at least fifteen minutes.
It must be something that is pure fun.
It must be something that is just for you.
Chapter 9 – Use Tough Love
Tough love is tough on everybody.
It hurts as much as surgery.
And it’s every bit as necessary.
Chapter 10 – Don’t Ride With the A When the A’s Drunk
Don’t put up with [the A’s] “cute” games of gunning the motor, driving too fast, letting go of the wheel (and holding it with [the] knees)
Don’t be afraid of losing [the A] to someone else if you say “no” to this kind of driving.
[The A] won’t drive more or less carefully, whether you’re with [the A] or not. Remember this when you worry about whether [the A] will hurt [himself/herself].
Chapter 11 – Confront [the A]!
Confront [the A] when [the A’s] sober.
Confront [the A] when you’re calm.
Chapter 12 – Walk Away From Abuse
The battering will get worse.
It won’t just stop “tomorrow.”
Things are as bad as you think.
Not being battered is certainly a reasonable expectation from a [spouse]!
Chapter 13 – Accept Yourself
Accept the fact that you can’t leave emotionally.
Accept the realization that you hate staying.
Both of these feelings are normal.
Chapter 14 – Don’t Believe “Drunk Is Fun!”
[The A’s] absolutely crazy if [the A] acts like it’s fun.
Living with [the A] is like living in an insane asylum – without doctors.
No one in the “outside world” who is not an alcoholic thinks [the A’s] world is fun – or sane!
Chapter 15 – Tell Your Families? Only If You Want To!
Both sets of parents are adults.
[The A] does have a disease.
You are not a failure because your [spouse] got sick.
Chapter 16 – Mean What You Say and Say What You Mean [but don’t say it mean – Al-Anon]
Think before you make a threat or a promise.
You can conquer your guilt feelings.
Learn to accept yourself as a human being.
Chapter 17 – Deal With [the A’s] Arrogance!
[The A] is only a paper tiger.
The real world sees him as pathetic.
You are a lot more powerful than you think you are.
Chapter 18 – Don’t Change Your Address!
Booze is everywhere.
Running increases panic.
Running helps [the A] to continue to deny.
Chapter 19 – Hide the Car Keys?
Let go, and let God.
You must do what is least uncomfortable for you.
Chapter 20 – You Have the Right to Get Sick Too!
[The A] expects that he will always “make mistakes.”
[The A] expects that you will never fail [him/her].
Chapter 21 – Learn About Blackouts
It’s like being unconscious – while fully awake.
It’s like amnesia afterwards.
Chapter 22 – Try to Remember It’s A Disease
But it doesn’t mean you have to accept unacceptable behavior.
Don’t punish the alcoholic; it will only add to your guilt.
Don’t pity the alcoholic; it will only lead back into rescuing [her/him].
Chapter 23 – Let the Crises Happen
They might save [the A's] life.
They will save your sanity.
Chapter 24 – No More Lying to [the A’s] Boss!
Losing [his/her] job may be just what [he/she] needs to want sobriety.
Every time you let go of [his/her] problem, you get healthier.
Chapter 25 – Start to Get Help – Even Though [She’s/He’s] the Alcoholic.
If you live with insanity long enough, you:
a. feel insane, b. act insane.
Chapter 26 – Stay with [the A] or Leave [the A] “Just for Today”
Don’t be angry with yourself for not having left [the A] before.
You have more options than you think:
- You can stay, and leave the room or the house for a while.
- You can leave for a few days.
- You can leave for weeks or months and see your spouse when you want to.
You’ll think of many more choices when you remember that your alcoholic needs you very much, even though [she/he] denies it.
Chapter 27 – Break Out of Your Isolation
It will help you get an emotional distance.
You’ll even start to be able to make rational decisions again.
Chapter 28 – Stop Asking Permission!
It feels good temporarily – it makes you feel secure and “taken care of” – but it’s still an illusion.
It’s your way to please [the A] and keep [the A] pleased so [the A] won’t be nasty or drink anymore – but it doesn’t work.
Chapter 29 – Act As If You Love You
Make believe, and you will believe.
Get the body there, and the mind will follow.
Act your way to good feelings.
Chapter 30 – Put [the A] in the Back of Your Mind
[The A] doesn’t think about you most of the time.
Martyrdom is not a virtue.
Chapter 31 – Don’t Feel Guilty When You’re Mad
Angry thoughts don’t hurt people (They only hurt you, if you “hang on” to them.)
Anybody who’s normal would want to thrash [the A].
Chapter 32 – Forget [the A’s] Bad Mouth
If Florence Nightingale were married to an alcoholic, [the A’d] tell her she was a lousy nurse. And [the A’d] have her believing it.
Chapter 33 – Don’t Say You’re Changing – Just Do It
The alcoholic hears what you do, not what you say.
The less you act afraid, the less afraid you’ll be.
When you “explain yourself,” you come off like a victim.
When you “explain yourself,” you often don’t carry through with what you said you would do.
Chapter 34 – Stop Telling Him to Get Sober (Don’t Talk to Brick Walls Either)
[The A] will do what [the A] wants to do, anyway.
[The A] will probably do just the opposite of what you ask [the A] to do – just because you asked [the A] to.
Once you take your eyes off [the A], [she/he] will just revert back to [the A’s] sick behavior if [the A] intends to stay sick – so, it’s a futile effort.
Chapter 35 – Don’t Get Scared When [the A] Threatens To Drink
At first, just act like you’re not reacting.
The worst thing you can do is to let an alcoholic think you’re afraid of [him/her].
You will get to the point where you just don’t care if [he/she] threatens or not.
Chapter 36 – Wipe Out Saying “You’ve Been Drinking Again!”
[The A] knows it.
It’s useless.
There’s a more effective way to make your point.
Chapter 37 – Don’t Expect [the A] To Be Sober
[The A] does mean it when [the A] promises [the A] won’t drink again, but [the A] probably can’t keep that promise – and [the A] doesn’t know it.
The paradox is: when you truly stop expecting [the A] to be sober, [the A] has a better chance to be sober.
Chapter 38 – Stop Checking the Bars
I know it gives temporary relief just to know – but it’s basically part of a downhill trip in self-esteem.
If you can’t stop it entirely, try to postpone the call; fill up your time with something pleasurable, before you go or call.
Remember that you must be easy on yourself and give yourself a lot of credit when you begin to stop yourself, just even once in a while.
You don’t believe this now, because it’s so hard to imagine – but, you will get to a point where you really won’t care whether [the A’s] at a bar, ever again.
Chapter 39 – Don’t Beg [the A] to Stay
You’re not as vulnerable as you think you are.
Chapter 40 – Don’t Be Scared That [the A] Will Leave if [the A] Gets Well
Well [men/women] don’t do that.
There’s a big difference between “dry” and “sober.”
If [the A] threatens this, [the A’s] still very sick.
Chapter 41 – Getting Help [Al-Anon, Counseling, Etc.]
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
[
I remember these they were all good books.
Thanx Titanic
B][/B]
I remember these they were all good books.
Thanx Titanic
B][/B]
Originally Posted by Titanic 
These are the Chapter headers or summaries from “Getting Them Sober (Volume 1)” by Toby Rice Drews (1994)(politically corrected here; A = Alcoholic):
Chapter 1 – No More Taking the Blame for Someone Else’s Drinking
You cannot cause anyone to drink.
You cannot control anyone’s drinking.
You cannot cure anyone’s drinking. [Al-Anon's 3 C’s].
Chapter 2 – Be Gentle with Yourself
Give yourself credit for small successes.
You are not a failure as a [spouse] when you are angry.
Living with an alcoholic is too much for most people.
Chapter 3 – Don’t Worry About Whether [He’s/She’s] Really An Alcoholic
If it’s that much of a problem, then [he/she] probably is.
Social drinkers don’t usually upset their families with their drinking.
Chapter 4 – Don’t Pour Out the Booze
[The A will] get more – doesn’t [the A] always?
It costs too much to replace it. (It’s your budget too).
Chapter 5 – Learn to Relax
Panic is distressing, but not dangerous.
Don’t be afraid of being afraid.
Chapter 6 – Don’t Be Afraid of Losing [the A] Because You’re Changing
You’re not as dependent as you think you are.
Your alcoholic often needs you more than (s)he will ever admit.
It’s very hard to lose an alcoholic.
Chapter 7 – Stop Arguing With [Her/Him] (It Works!)
It’s like arguing with a bottle
It’s usually useless.
Chapter 8 – Do One Thing Every Day Just For Yourself
Make it last for at least fifteen minutes.
It must be something that is pure fun.
It must be something that is just for you.
Chapter 9 – Use Tough Love
Tough love is tough on everybody.
It hurts as much as surgery.
And it’s every bit as necessary.
Chapter 10 – Don’t Ride With the A When the A’s Drunk
Don’t put up with [the A’s] “cute” games of gunning the motor, driving too fast, letting go of the wheel (and holding it with [the] knees)
Don’t be afraid of losing [the A] to someone else if you say “no” to this kind of driving.
[The A] won’t drive more or less carefully, whether you’re with [the A] or not. Remember this when you worry about whether [the A] will hurt [himself/herself].
Chapter 11 – Confront [the A]!
Confront [the A] when [the A’s] sober.
Confront [the A] when you’re calm.
Chapter 12 – Walk Away From Abuse
The battering will get worse.
It won’t just stop “tomorrow.”
Things are as bad as you think.
Not being battered is certainly a reasonable expectation from a [spouse]!
Chapter 13 – Accept Yourself
Accept the fact that you can’t leave emotionally.
Accept the realization that you hate staying.
Both of these feelings are normal.
Chapter 14 – Don’t Believe “Drunk Is Fun!”
[The A’s] absolutely crazy if [the A] acts like it’s fun.
Living with [the A] is like living in an insane asylum – without doctors.
No one in the “outside world” who is not an alcoholic thinks [the A’s] world is fun – or sane!
Chapter 15 – Tell Your Families? Only If You Want To!
Both sets of parents are adults.
[The A] does have a disease.
You are not a failure because your [spouse] got sick.
Chapter 16 – Mean What You Say and Say What You Mean [but don’t say it mean – Al-Anon]
Think before you make a threat or a promise.
You can conquer your guilt feelings.
Learn to accept yourself as a human being.
Chapter 17 – Deal With [the A’s] Arrogance!
[The A] is only a paper tiger.
The real world sees him as pathetic.
You are a lot more powerful than you think you are.
Chapter 18 – Don’t Change Your Address!
Booze is everywhere.
Running increases panic.
Running helps [the A] to continue to deny.
Chapter 19 – Hide the Car Keys?
Let go, and let God.
You must do what is least uncomfortable for you.
Chapter 20 – You Have the Right to Get Sick Too!
[The A] expects that he will always “make mistakes.”
[The A] expects that you will never fail [him/her].
Chapter 21 – Learn About Blackouts
It’s like being unconscious – while fully awake.
It’s like amnesia afterwards.
Chapter 22 – Try to Remember It’s A Disease
But it doesn’t mean you have to accept unacceptable behavior.
Don’t punish the alcoholic; it will only add to your guilt.
Don’t pity the alcoholic; it will only lead back into rescuing [her/him].
Chapter 23 – Let the Crises Happen
They might save [the A's] life.
They will save your sanity.
Chapter 24 – No More Lying to [the A’s] Boss!
Losing [his/her] job may be just what [he/she] needs to want sobriety.
Every time you let go of [his/her] problem, you get healthier.
Chapter 25 – Start to Get Help – Even Though [She’s/He’s] the Alcoholic.
If you live with insanity long enough, you:
a. feel insane, b. act insane.
Chapter 26 – Stay with [the A] or Leave [the A] “Just for Today”
Don’t be angry with yourself for not having left [the A] before.
You have more options than you think:
- You can stay, and leave the room or the house for a while.
- You can leave for a few days.
- You can leave for weeks or months and see your spouse when you want to.
You’ll think of many more choices when you remember that your alcoholic needs you very much, even though [she/he] denies it.
Chapter 27 – Break Out of Your Isolation
It will help you get an emotional distance.
You’ll even start to be able to make rational decisions again.
Chapter 28 – Stop Asking Permission!
It feels good temporarily – it makes you feel secure and “taken care of” – but it’s still an illusion.
It’s your way to please [the A] and keep [the A] pleased so [the A] won’t be nasty or drink anymore – but it doesn’t work.
Chapter 29 – Act As If You Love You
Make believe, and you will believe.
Get the body there, and the mind will follow.
Act your way to good feelings.
Chapter 30 – Put [the A] in the Back of Your Mind
[The A] doesn’t think about you most of the time.
Martyrdom is not a virtue.
Chapter 31 – Don’t Feel Guilty When You’re Mad
Angry thoughts don’t hurt people (They only hurt you, if you “hang on” to them.)
Anybody who’s normal would want to thrash [the A].
Chapter 32 – Forget [the A’s] Bad Mouth
If Florence Nightingale were married to an alcoholic, [the A’d] tell her she was a lousy nurse. And [the A’d] have her believing it.
Chapter 33 – Don’t Say You’re Changing – Just Do It
The alcoholic hears what you do, not what you say.
The less you act afraid, the less afraid you’ll be.
When you “explain yourself,” you come off like a victim.
When you “explain yourself,” you often don’t carry through with what you said you would do.
Chapter 34 – Stop Telling Him to Get Sober (Don’t Talk to Brick Walls Either)
[The A] will do what [the A] wants to do, anyway.
[The A] will probably do just the opposite of what you ask [the A] to do – just because you asked [the A] to.
Once you take your eyes off [the A], [she/he] will just revert back to [the A’s] sick behavior if [the A] intends to stay sick – so, it’s a futile effort.
Chapter 35 – Don’t Get Scared When [the A] Threatens To Drink
At first, just act like you’re not reacting.
The worst thing you can do is to let an alcoholic think you’re afraid of [him/her].
You will get to the point where you just don’t care if [he/she] threatens or not.
Chapter 36 – Wipe Out Saying “You’ve Been Drinking Again!”
[The A] knows it.
It’s useless.
There’s a more effective way to make your point.
Chapter 37 – Don’t Expect [the A] To Be Sober
[The A] does mean it when [the A] promises [the A] won’t drink again, but [the A] probably can’t keep that promise – and [the A] doesn’t know it.
The paradox is: when you truly stop expecting [the A] to be sober, [the A] has a better chance to be sober.
Chapter 38 – Stop Checking the Bars
I know it gives temporary relief just to know – but it’s basically part of a downhill trip in self-esteem.
If you can’t stop it entirely, try to postpone the call; fill up your time with something pleasurable, before you go or call.
Remember that you must be easy on yourself and give yourself a lot of credit when you begin to stop yourself, just even once in a while.
You don’t believe this now, because it’s so hard to imagine – but, you will get to a point where you really won’t care whether [the A’s] at a bar, ever again.
Chapter 39 – Don’t Beg [the A] to Stay
You’re not as vulnerable as you think you are.
Chapter 40 – Don’t Be Scared That [the A] Will Leave if [the A] Gets Well
Well [men/women] don’t do that.
There’s a big difference between “dry” and “sober.”
If [the A] threatens this, [the A’s] still very sick.
Chapter 41 – Getting Help [Al-Anon, Counseling, Etc.]
Chapter 1 – No More Taking the Blame for Someone Else’s Drinking
You cannot cause anyone to drink.
You cannot control anyone’s drinking.
You cannot cure anyone’s drinking. [Al-Anon's 3 C’s].
Chapter 2 – Be Gentle with Yourself
Give yourself credit for small successes.
You are not a failure as a [spouse] when you are angry.
Living with an alcoholic is too much for most people.
Chapter 3 – Don’t Worry About Whether [He’s/She’s] Really An Alcoholic
If it’s that much of a problem, then [he/she] probably is.
Social drinkers don’t usually upset their families with their drinking.
Chapter 4 – Don’t Pour Out the Booze
[The A will] get more – doesn’t [the A] always?
It costs too much to replace it. (It’s your budget too).
Chapter 5 – Learn to Relax
Panic is distressing, but not dangerous.
Don’t be afraid of being afraid.
Chapter 6 – Don’t Be Afraid of Losing [the A] Because You’re Changing
You’re not as dependent as you think you are.
Your alcoholic often needs you more than (s)he will ever admit.
It’s very hard to lose an alcoholic.
Chapter 7 – Stop Arguing With [Her/Him] (It Works!)
It’s like arguing with a bottle
It’s usually useless.
Chapter 8 – Do One Thing Every Day Just For Yourself
Make it last for at least fifteen minutes.
It must be something that is pure fun.
It must be something that is just for you.
Chapter 9 – Use Tough Love
Tough love is tough on everybody.
It hurts as much as surgery.
And it’s every bit as necessary.
Chapter 10 – Don’t Ride With the A When the A’s Drunk
Don’t put up with [the A’s] “cute” games of gunning the motor, driving too fast, letting go of the wheel (and holding it with [the] knees)
Don’t be afraid of losing [the A] to someone else if you say “no” to this kind of driving.
[The A] won’t drive more or less carefully, whether you’re with [the A] or not. Remember this when you worry about whether [the A] will hurt [himself/herself].
Chapter 11 – Confront [the A]!
Confront [the A] when [the A’s] sober.
Confront [the A] when you’re calm.
Chapter 12 – Walk Away From Abuse
The battering will get worse.
It won’t just stop “tomorrow.”
Things are as bad as you think.
Not being battered is certainly a reasonable expectation from a [spouse]!
Chapter 13 – Accept Yourself
Accept the fact that you can’t leave emotionally.
Accept the realization that you hate staying.
Both of these feelings are normal.
Chapter 14 – Don’t Believe “Drunk Is Fun!”
[The A’s] absolutely crazy if [the A] acts like it’s fun.
Living with [the A] is like living in an insane asylum – without doctors.
No one in the “outside world” who is not an alcoholic thinks [the A’s] world is fun – or sane!
Chapter 15 – Tell Your Families? Only If You Want To!
Both sets of parents are adults.
[The A] does have a disease.
You are not a failure because your [spouse] got sick.
Chapter 16 – Mean What You Say and Say What You Mean [but don’t say it mean – Al-Anon]
Think before you make a threat or a promise.
You can conquer your guilt feelings.
Learn to accept yourself as a human being.
Chapter 17 – Deal With [the A’s] Arrogance!
[The A] is only a paper tiger.
The real world sees him as pathetic.
You are a lot more powerful than you think you are.
Chapter 18 – Don’t Change Your Address!
Booze is everywhere.
Running increases panic.
Running helps [the A] to continue to deny.
Chapter 19 – Hide the Car Keys?
Let go, and let God.
You must do what is least uncomfortable for you.
Chapter 20 – You Have the Right to Get Sick Too!
[The A] expects that he will always “make mistakes.”
[The A] expects that you will never fail [him/her].
Chapter 21 – Learn About Blackouts
It’s like being unconscious – while fully awake.
It’s like amnesia afterwards.
Chapter 22 – Try to Remember It’s A Disease
But it doesn’t mean you have to accept unacceptable behavior.
Don’t punish the alcoholic; it will only add to your guilt.
Don’t pity the alcoholic; it will only lead back into rescuing [her/him].
Chapter 23 – Let the Crises Happen
They might save [the A's] life.
They will save your sanity.
Chapter 24 – No More Lying to [the A’s] Boss!
Losing [his/her] job may be just what [he/she] needs to want sobriety.
Every time you let go of [his/her] problem, you get healthier.
Chapter 25 – Start to Get Help – Even Though [She’s/He’s] the Alcoholic.
If you live with insanity long enough, you:
a. feel insane, b. act insane.
Chapter 26 – Stay with [the A] or Leave [the A] “Just for Today”
Don’t be angry with yourself for not having left [the A] before.
You have more options than you think:
- You can stay, and leave the room or the house for a while.
- You can leave for a few days.
- You can leave for weeks or months and see your spouse when you want to.
You’ll think of many more choices when you remember that your alcoholic needs you very much, even though [she/he] denies it.
Chapter 27 – Break Out of Your Isolation
It will help you get an emotional distance.
You’ll even start to be able to make rational decisions again.
Chapter 28 – Stop Asking Permission!
It feels good temporarily – it makes you feel secure and “taken care of” – but it’s still an illusion.
It’s your way to please [the A] and keep [the A] pleased so [the A] won’t be nasty or drink anymore – but it doesn’t work.
Chapter 29 – Act As If You Love You
Make believe, and you will believe.
Get the body there, and the mind will follow.
Act your way to good feelings.
Chapter 30 – Put [the A] in the Back of Your Mind
[The A] doesn’t think about you most of the time.
Martyrdom is not a virtue.
Chapter 31 – Don’t Feel Guilty When You’re Mad
Angry thoughts don’t hurt people (They only hurt you, if you “hang on” to them.)
Anybody who’s normal would want to thrash [the A].
Chapter 32 – Forget [the A’s] Bad Mouth
If Florence Nightingale were married to an alcoholic, [the A’d] tell her she was a lousy nurse. And [the A’d] have her believing it.
Chapter 33 – Don’t Say You’re Changing – Just Do It
The alcoholic hears what you do, not what you say.
The less you act afraid, the less afraid you’ll be.
When you “explain yourself,” you come off like a victim.
When you “explain yourself,” you often don’t carry through with what you said you would do.
Chapter 34 – Stop Telling Him to Get Sober (Don’t Talk to Brick Walls Either)
[The A] will do what [the A] wants to do, anyway.
[The A] will probably do just the opposite of what you ask [the A] to do – just because you asked [the A] to.
Once you take your eyes off [the A], [she/he] will just revert back to [the A’s] sick behavior if [the A] intends to stay sick – so, it’s a futile effort.
Chapter 35 – Don’t Get Scared When [the A] Threatens To Drink
At first, just act like you’re not reacting.
The worst thing you can do is to let an alcoholic think you’re afraid of [him/her].
You will get to the point where you just don’t care if [he/she] threatens or not.
Chapter 36 – Wipe Out Saying “You’ve Been Drinking Again!”
[The A] knows it.
It’s useless.
There’s a more effective way to make your point.
Chapter 37 – Don’t Expect [the A] To Be Sober
[The A] does mean it when [the A] promises [the A] won’t drink again, but [the A] probably can’t keep that promise – and [the A] doesn’t know it.
The paradox is: when you truly stop expecting [the A] to be sober, [the A] has a better chance to be sober.
Chapter 38 – Stop Checking the Bars
I know it gives temporary relief just to know – but it’s basically part of a downhill trip in self-esteem.
If you can’t stop it entirely, try to postpone the call; fill up your time with something pleasurable, before you go or call.
Remember that you must be easy on yourself and give yourself a lot of credit when you begin to stop yourself, just even once in a while.
You don’t believe this now, because it’s so hard to imagine – but, you will get to a point where you really won’t care whether [the A’s] at a bar, ever again.
Chapter 39 – Don’t Beg [the A] to Stay
You’re not as vulnerable as you think you are.
Chapter 40 – Don’t Be Scared That [the A] Will Leave if [the A] Gets Well
Well [men/women] don’t do that.
There’s a big difference between “dry” and “sober.”
If [the A] threatens this, [the A’s] still very sick.
Chapter 41 – Getting Help [Al-Anon, Counseling, Etc.]
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I am on Vol 4 right now and I turn to these books on a regular basis. I am really getting a lot out of this one although I've read Vol 1 about 3 times so far. She is a very understanding therapist and really does seem to know alcoholism and codependency well. Between her and Melody Beattie is where I spend a lot of my reading time.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
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I just started volume 4 and it is helping a lot because I am already separated. I like how the chapters are (short) and well titled meaning I can skip over non-applicable ones and jump around.
Iceberg Ahead!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Good to know LifeRecovery! How many chapters does Vol. 4 have? How much is in there about the children generally? Is there anything in there on the subject of protecting them from the A's addict companion?
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Location: Right here, right now!
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Originally Posted by Titanic
Good to know LifeRecovery! How many chapters does Vol. 4 have? How much is in there about the children generally? Is there anything in there on the subject of protecting them from the A's addict companion?
I agree that this is great reading and I got mine recently on amazon for about two dollars each.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Chicago
Posts: 57
I have never read these books, but the TOC above reminds me of a lengthy online article that I have gone back to over and over. The article tracks many of the same points as the book seems to cover (and you can get it for free via the link below). I highly recommend the online article, although some of us (self included) will have to ignore the gender-specific language. Now I want to read the "real" book too.
Helping an Alcoholic Husband Want to Get Sober - Free Self-Help
Anyone who read the book have any opinion on the article?
J
Helping an Alcoholic Husband Want to Get Sober - Free Self-Help
Anyone who read the book have any opinion on the article?
J
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