AmandaGrace

I need advice/guidance. Let me give you a little background:

I started dating this amazing 21 year-old guy Damian (I'm 25). He's notoriously a party animal, the guy everyone else TRIES to drink under the table. His mother and father are both alcoholics and he struggles trying to help or deal with their drinking, let alone worry about his. Their drink influences his drinking, for example his father called telling him goodbye and that he loves Damian one night. Damian's response was to get upset and drink more. Now, I'm not really a drinker myself- every once in a while I like a margarita, but it's not very often. He is, by far, an alcoholic. He uses alcohol as a sort of emotional outlet. He expressed from the get that he wanted to slow down his drinking and I thought "I'm game." My mother has warned me to not get involved due to her experiences with an alcoholic boyfriend.

Damian and I talked about setting goals and limits for the days of the week and how to slowly lower that limit. He's been really good about maintaining those goals and keeping those limits...except when he goes out with the boys. I made the decision to be Designated Driver one weekend, thinking I could handle whatever he could throw at the, but when he was hitting on girls right in front of me, like I didn't exist, and when I couldn't wake him up to get him out of the car, I realized I was in over my head.

He has an alter-ego when he drinks, named Diego. Now, Damian I trust, whole-heartedly, but Diego, on the other-hand, is something else. I've expressed to him exactly this, letting him know I don't trust him when he drinks because when he drinks with the boys, it's not a few beers but a case plus a bottle of Crown Royal or tequila. We have also talked about cheating in general and he has expressed his opposition. Damian says he has never cheated and doesn't plan on starting. I trust him. However, I am also dealing with being cheated on in the past, which is a whole other issue.

He is going out this weekend and will be sleeping away from home (we kinda live together) and I'm a little nervous. Damian has told me he won't go to this party he's been talking about for months if I don't feel comfortable, but I don't want to be his wet blanket girlfriend. How do I cope for the one day I don't know what he'll be doing? I love him and want him to be happy, but don't want to babysit, feel like he needs a babysitter or be an annoying babysitter girlfriend. Anyone have any ideas on how I can further help him deal with his alcoholism or help him deal with his parents' alcoholism? As of right now, I can offer only support and minor guidance myself so... Any advice or ideas would be much appreciated. Thanks!

Titanic

You asked for ideas and advice. My ideas would be for you to go to Al-Anon meetings because you'll get the inside scoop on how to take care of things for You when dealing with an A in your life. Know the 3 C's, two of which are that you can't Control or Cure alcoholism or the A (Diego or his parents).

Second, read up on boundaries here, which are NOT about getting Diego, the A, to change but about protecting yourself. For example, "If I learn you are romantically involved, kissing, having sex with, fondling, etc. another woman - in other words "cheating," in my book - I will leave you, period. You are free to choose what to do." A boundary is about what is unacceptable to YOU, NOT about what HE must do or can't do, or getting him to change (you can't Control). Another one: "If you drink, I will not drive with you and, so you know, I'm driving my car to where we're going. You can choose to drink or not." Read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

Check this out too: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

All the best.

Florence

You can't. What you can do is decide whether you want to continue to live this way.

And since you asked for advice, I strongly suggest getting out of whatever situation you're in where you kind of live together. Don't tie anything worthwhile to your relationship with him. He is showing you exactly who he is -- this is not an alter ego, this is alcoholism.

ZiggyB

If he is getting drunk and hitting on other girls right in front of you, how does that make him an "amazing guy"?

You can't change him or control him, you either accept him for what he is or you walk away. I'd imagine there are lots of guys out there that you can find that won't make you feel insecure and worried.

I was always hoping my BF would change too, but he never did. I wish I had realized it sooner, I would have saved myself a lot of wasted time and heartache.

Florence

I know it's difficult to walk away from someone you care about. If you find this difficult, find a way to put a little psychic space between the two of you (therapy and Al-Anon are great for this) and observe his behavior in a way that removes the immediacy of your emotions. If you accept that you can't change/cure/control him and his drinking-related behavior, your path will become pretty clear pretty quickly. This doesn't mean you judge or abandon him, but it might mean that you get real about what a relationship with him is going to look like, and what will happen to you if you tie your finances up together and you become responsible for him. And once you know better, you do better. You're feeling this distress because this current arrangement isn't okay. Listen to your instincts here.

You certainly have my permission to leave the relationship, whatever that's worth.

marie1960

Well since you asked for advice, usually we just share our personal experiences here but since you asked here goes........

LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER, she has shared her experience of being with an Alkie, I am sure she has your best interest at heart and will not misguide you.

There is an obvious trust issue here, no trust= no relationship

(We kind of live together) well have you considered kind of MOVING OUT,? this guy is not showing or treating you with respect , hitting on other girls in front of you, seriously????

An active alkie's one and only love is the booze. I certainly believe you deserve someone who will love and treasure you. You will never have that with him as long as he is addicted. Never. I thought I could help, but the sad truth is unless they choose recovery there isn't a damn thing we can do to help.

I too got tired of being the babysitter. I thought I was going out with a man who had his act together, was mature, had self control, treated others with respect. Well the sober guy did, add alcohol and oh boy, out came the immature frat boy who wanted to argue, make a scene, fight , puke in the car and pee the bed!!!! No thanks I am all done babysitting.!!