Pathetic
 

How pathetic is it that I actually wish ABF would cheat or something because I feel like it would give me a valid excuse to end it? As if the physical and emotional abuse isnt enough or like I really even need an excuse other than I just don't want to be with him anymore. I guess my logic is that if he found some other poor women to drive crazy it would be a lot easier for me to walk away without all the drama and it would make me feel less crappy about it all. Really pathetic....

I am so sorry you are in this place. Try not to judge yourself for feeling what you feel. You are further along in this journey than you think, and there are lots of people here to listen to you and support you. I don't think you're pathetic, I think you're hurting and you're in a lonely confusing place. Hugs and strength to you.

Physical abuse is reason enough. No one should have to put up with that. I hope you find the strength to remove yourself from that situation. ((((HUGS))))

Dear Sadconfused, I highly suggest that you read the posting fro m yesterday---made by Learn2live, called "safety zone". I think it would probably resonate with you.

It really resonated with me!! I think, so often, that because the destructive effects of the toxic people in our lives are not visible, or easily described to others---we discount their importance. It then, eats away at us silently---like a yet undetected cancer.

I wish everyone would read that post, because it speaks to what is at the essence of all us humans.

dandylion

You are not pathetic. I know that feeling well. :hug:

You can give yourself permission to honor your truths, to take care of yourself, to listen to that inner voice. You are responsible for yourself - to take care of and love yourself.

You have permission to leave him just because you don't want to be with him anymore. You alone are responsible for creating a life of happiness and fulfillment and if that means you walk on a different path from him, well that is just the way it is. Life is hard sometimes. Change is part of life.

You do not have to wait for him to release you. I used to lay awake crying and pray for my ex to do something terrible - so I could leave. I'm so glad he never did anything terrible. It was not who he was. I'm also very very glad that I finally found my way to taking care of myself. Finding a way to live my life with honesty and self-care was a really positive step for me. Life changing.

In hindsight staying with someone you no longer want to be with isn't doing them any favors either.

Choose your SELF!
Stand up for YOU!
Be daring, take the blame, whatever you need to do to break free from this person!
Let him go.
Focus on your future! Your health! YOUR OWN potential!
Invest in you! Break free from prison!

you are not pathetic ~

I use to pray that my exah would hit me to it would really be abuse so I could leave ~ today I know the things I endured were ABUSE ~ mental & emotional abuse!

And even if I didn't have those - I still had the right to leave, because I was so unhappy, so discounted as a person, and not safe in my own home.

Follow what your HP and your recovery program leads you to do ~

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Yes exactly - and to follow up. In hindsight if my ex would have hit me or cheated on me - I'm really not sure if that would have released me either. It wasn't about what he was doing, it was about giving myself permission.

I was already living with a ton of things I, at one time, said I'd never live with. Would cheating or hitting have been any different? I don't know and I'm glad I didn't have to find out.

I can relate, as when my marriage to my AH was really going south and he did a lot of 'disappearing' and I was suspicious there was another woman, I kind of hoped he was having an affair, because that would make it more clear to me that I was 100% done. I later figured out the disappearing was a classic alcoholic tactic and there was no other woman, just booze.

What I came to realize is that he WAS having an affair --- sneaking off with Lady Vodka.
Booze had become his mistress. Once I thought of it that way, separating was easier.

Either way, you and I both deserve better.

You are not pathetic, I have stayed in my share of crappy relationships for way too long.

If you are not happy with this guy then you deserve to find your own happiness, even if that means starting all over again by yourself. At least you'll have only your own problems to deal with and not his.

In My Opinion---good point, Ziggy.

dandylion

Nice to meet you sad and confused. Can I help you with your life jacket?? We are in the same boat! :c009:


I constantly feel the exact same way lately.

You're not pathetic because all of us did plenty of "wishful thinking" (or we're all pathetic! LOL).

You will recover. Work at it by going to Al-Anon meetings.

"This too shall pass." I have to repeat that to myself every day.

Peace. :)

Glad to know I'm not the only one who feels this way and after thinking about it for awhile most of you are probably right. If none of the stuff he has already done isn't enough, him cheating probably wouldn't make much difference other than the fact that it might distract him from me and make him more willing to give up on us without a fight. I dunno, I felt like crap all day yesterday. I was filled with an unsettling anxious panicy feeling. ABF had been makin rude little comments and poking at me all day so I knew it was only going to get worse once he was home and drinking. Of course it did and I heard the typical this is all your fault, a list of unpleasant mean names, and that I should be apologizing to him for the rest of my life. I mostly ignored him which makes him madder. He stood up and got in my face, I nicely told him to please get out of my face, he didnt so I repeated myself and he finally walked away whole cursing me the whole way. 15 mins later, he is acting like all is fine and then gets mad again because I am upset and angry. His last words last night was oh don't be an a$$hole to me! Wowizers my head could have exploded but I just ignored it. He woke up being nice but not me this time, I'm sick of hiding my emotions and I am angry. I explained to him that I was seconds away from being done and I was not going to continue to be treated so poorly. He had he same old apology and it won't happen again but it will. I know this the only difference is that this I clearly set m boundairy to him while he was sober and I am sticking by it. I also told him I was going to start going to al anon. He blew me off and went to work, I'm sure he thinks it's just hot air like always but it isn't, I'm fed up.

tic toc, his seconds are up!!!

That sounds like fear. That is no way to live. He is not going to change. You can't change this situation from inside the relationship :( You can leave. You can be free from fear, anxiety, and panic by removing yourself from the source of it.

Many hugs going out to you today.

I guess it is fear and dread. I am so disgusted and angry. I am so messed up in the head, I go from freaking out because suddenly reality airs in and I realize that something has to change and I don't cope we'll woh change, to angry and upset because he is drunk and pushing buttons, to confident in mu ability to stop all of this and move on, to feeling bad for HIM! Wtf, this is not the way normal people process stuff. Why should I feel bad for someone who is so rude, cold, disrespectiful, and plain out full of hate towards me. I can't so it anymore, I'm tired of the crappy upset stomach i always have and of not being able to move or speak with it getting turned around into an accusation of me doing wrong when I'm not. We just can't live like this anymore. I'm tired I being controlled and manipulated. I'm tired.....

You are most definitely not pathetic. I kept thinking, if he cheated on me, that would be the last straw. I found him with another woman TWICE. But they were both clothed, and drunk, so I just blew it off. I kept making boundaries in my mind and then let him cross them. I'd leave if he called me names I would think,but he would and I stayed. I'd leave if he was physical,and then he was and I still stayed....the whole time blaming myself. The last straw was realizing he had a double life....and then I just couldn't ignore it. Now with a little clarity from being away from him, I wish I would have left sooner, but I am thankful that I left. You are more knowledgeable every day. It sounds like the haze is lifting and you can see reality clearly....and boy doesn't it suck when the wishful thinking leaves. It is hard to leave, but for me, it was harder to stay. For me, staying was for me to Stay lonely, stay miserable, stay crazy, stay manipulated, and stay confused.

Sending you strength and good vibes.

Oh honey... (((hugs))) I've been there. At one point, I was basically PUSHING my AH at a (single) woman I knew he was attracted to. At another point, I was wishing he would be physically abusive. Why.

Because I thought I didn't have the right to leave otherwise.

I didn't leave until he became physically abusive. (Although I rationalized years of sexual abuse.) That was approximately 18 years after I first thought "I wish he would just cheat on me with Angela, that way I could justify leaving."

You ALWAYS have the right to leave.
Always.
You always have the right to choose a life free from addiction.
You always have the right to choose a life that's healthy for you.
You don't need to wait.
There's nothing magical about him doing something that every person in the universe would agree is a good reason for you to leave. You don't have to have every person in the universe on your side.

You only need to know that this is not how you want to live anymore.
That alone gives you the right.

There are basically three of you living there. That wasn't how it was supposed to be. One of the three has to leave. Which one will it be?

You're not pathetic and you sound a lot like me. So unless we're both crazy (which I guess IS possible, lol), the way we feel is right. We have all the right in the world to feel the way we do. I do think you need to get out. Now. If you're like me, which it sounds like you are, you feel like you need to justify your feelings before you allow yourself to act on them. You are a smart, capable woman who knows what she wants in life. Someone asked me today, "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" I responded by telling them I want to be a working and successful accountant who is working toward person financial security. Then she said, "do you really think you'll get there with him in your life?" Sadly, I can't say that I will be if I keep him around. While he supports my going to school and working towards a career, I can't help but think he's hoping to make me his sugar-momma! Anyway... where do you want to be in 5 years? Can you do it with him constantly trying to beat you down?

I hope all ends well for you.

Keep us updated because I look forward to your success story!