clifton

I have a question that I have not been able to find an answer for anywhere. I am hoping people on this forum can help. My wife of 20 years stopped drinking and joined AA about four years ago. You could've knocked me over with a feather when she joined. I knew she drank occasionally, but I did not know she needed to drink. She was never out of control, or even visibly drunk, but evidently she drank every day and became concerned when it began to increase. I commended her for this decision and have supported and encouraged her in her AA program ever since.

My problem is this: Since she stopped drinking, she is angry all the time. Not an exaggeration. Usually at me. If she can't find something I've done wrong today, she'll go back in history until she finds something. Or she'll make something up. Everything I say is taken as a personal attack or to the negative extreme. I cannot ask her to do anything or disagree with her opinion on any subject whatsoever for fear of setting off a bout of screaming, slamming, and throwing things.

Some background on my wife: Both of her parents were alcoholics who married young and divorced young while my wife was very young. As a result, my wife was raised with very few boundaries, and in fact, first started drinking (and doing drugs) with her mother. Both parents are still alive and active in our lives and are still alcoholics.

As part of my wife's recovery she told me that she had been sexually abused by an uncle when she was young. She also confessed to me that she had smoked regularly up until recently. I did not know either fact.

One of the many things my wife is often upset with me about is that she wants me to go to Al Anon meetings. I have been to a few, in hopes of finding answers to this challenge, but I have not been able to relate to the people or stories told there at all. It seems to me like Al Anon is for people who are addicted to addicts. That is definitely not me. There is nothing I would like more in the world than for my wife not to be an addict. I have no desire to control or care for her; I want an equal partner.

My feeling is that my wife is angry at (1) her parents, for any number of reasons, and (2) having to go through this program. She used to drown her anger in a bottle, but now that's not an option, so she takes it out on the person closest to her - me.

And she feels this situation is unfair, so she wants me to have to go through all of the same steps she is going through. I can understand that, but I have a full-time job (she quit her job to focus on her recovery) and we have a young daughter that needs care. I take care of my job, our daughter, and the house to allow my wife all the time she needs for meetings, service commitments, sponsor meetings, etc.

So I am at a loss. Do I continue to just take this and hope it subsides someday? Is there more I can and should do to support her? Has anyone else experienced this?

Thank you for "listening" to all this. I didn't mean to write this much. Just hoping for another perspective and perhaps some guidance. Thanks in advance.

grateful101010

Most people who achieve sobriety don't have the luxury of quitting their job or foisting child care on someone else. Indeed, I think what you have is a wife who, whether she's a sober or drinking alcoholic, or even if she weren't an alcoholic at all, has too much time on her hands for navel contemplation and is directing her anger at you. Her program should be teaching her to focus her gaze upon herself. Maybe Al-Anon once in awhile wouldn't be a bad thing at all for you, though.

bjames

Has she seen a therapist? She could have been self medicating to deal with things that happened to her earlier in her life, and now she has a void there and too much time to think. A therapist could help a lot.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I'm sorry that your wife, while sober, does not seem to be able to control her temper. Based on your post, she seems to be taking your inventory ~ instead of keeping her focus on her side of the street.

I don't have a solution. I know you didn't cause this, you won't be able to control it, and there is little chance of curing it either.

Stick around. There are other gentlemen posting here, and lots of spouses of alcoholics. We are here to support you. We understand living with alcoholism ~ even if the alcoholic is no longer drinking.

Titanic

It happens in early recovery (i.e., the 1st year, of which the first six months are bad, and less so after). It also happens to many in active alcoholism. Consider yourself better off than many, as I think you have indicated in your post. No, nothing more than neutral encouragement like "I'm pulling for you." Leave it at that and go to Al-Anon. Have you gotten Yourself a sponsor in Al-Anon?

May peace find your home.

BtheChange

Thanks for posting this, I am going through something similar. My RAH has been in recovery for almost 7 months. He was a closet drinker, and continues to be dishonest and I could have sworn he had a relapse recently, but perhaps it was dry drunk syndrome. I am working on detaching, so I have been able to get to the point where the status of his relationship with alcohol just doesn't interest me any more.

Anyway--he displays a lot of anger too. I learned that anger is an emotion that "covers up" other emotions like shame and guilt, which are more painful to feel. For many RA's, alcohol used to cover up those emotions; when you take away that, anger often takes the place of alcohol. I also get a lot of irrational blame. However, the anger was also there with the drinking, and we have the patched up holes in the wall that went along with it.

We have three young children, so I understand how hard it can be to get to Alanon, but it can be helpful. I have found so much wisdom here at SR so that helps too. I read a lot of books too. There is a thread here recommending good reads... "Under the Influence" really helped me understand that nothing in an alcoholic's life (not bad childhood, bad marriage, etc) causes alcoholism: it is a biological process that we who love the alcoholics cannot control. For me, Alanon helped me cope, and now, it has helped me see what has been really going on: the deceit and manipulation were painful realizations. I am now at the point where I am unwilling to live with an angry and manipulative (R?)AH. And wow, does it feel good to get some sanity back into my life.

I wish all the best to you. Take care of yourself and your daughter. This Alanon saying always helps me: I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. That goes for alcoholism--and anger too.

Graceland

I agree with every word said by BtheChange. For me, the anger displayed by my RAH is almost worse than the alcoholism. I know that this seems crazy to say, but I knew how to deal (or thought that I did) with the drunken episodes. The all-consuming, ever present anger is an entirely different animal. I've never been the target of something just so vicious and wrong-sided.

My RAH asked me to go to Al-Anon and always asks if I've gone to meetings too. I know why. It's because that he thinks that I'm the problem. As soon as I am "recovered," our life can get back to "normal." I don't think that he realizes exactly what Al-Anon does or how powerful it can be.

Take a look at the serenity prayer -
"God give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change"
This would be her drinking and alcoholism and, yes, her anger

"The courage to change the things I can"
You can change whether you choose to remain in the relationship or not. This is your choice. It might be difficult, but you are not trapped. Even if you do decide to end the relationship, she will always be in your life because you have a child. As a result, the first part of the prayer is completely necessary and Al-Anon will help you.

"And the wisdom to know the difference"
Not that I'm wise, but see the above :-)

Titanic

There's always some other driving feeling or condition behind their anger as well as our own anger.

onlythetruth

clifton:

I have two thoughts: one is that your wife, indeed, might benefit from therapy.

The second is that if you don't care for Al-Anon, you might benefit from a support group for family and friends which doesn't use the 12 step format. SMART Recovery has such a group, with weekly online meetings. Here's a link where you can check out more information: Family & Friends - An Alternative to Al-Anon and Intervention