Enabling!!
 

Currently taking some time away from my recovering AGF for the next month in order for us to be able to clear our minds and actually be able to communicate without allowing the drama to invade everything. One of our last conversations we had was talking to her about how I felt her parents enable her, they are very well off and support her in every way, (apartment, Phone, ect.) She had just got done taking the bar exam and her reasoning for not wanting or having to work at all was because there is no point in her getting a job while she is waiting for the results from the bar. My main concern is that she does not have to face the consequences of life with someone always there to hold her up. This is something though that I am learning that I will have to let go of, I cannot control hers or her parents situation. As of now I am just taking this time apart from her to continue to enjoy and work on myself and my spirituality. If anyone else has been in this situation or has any advice please feel free to share. This time has also been very tough and definitely brought about many many emotions.

thank you,

You are correct, we cannot control the actions of others.........

And I think it's great that you are taking time for yourself, you sound like you both feet planted on the ground.

The longer we are in a relationship, the more we learn about the other person,( that is why we have the dating time) you now know she has been coddled her whole life, she does not possess alot of ambition, and does not seem to be very responsible........ So the next question would be are these worthy qualities you look for in a partner???

May I ask, just how long has she been in recovery?

This is all you, YOU get to CHOOSE.
Best of Luck!

Well, she might be responsible enough because she got through law school ... but she's about to pass the "BAR." Literally one of the most alcoholic-depression riddled careers - along with those in the restaurant/bar industry, sales and advertising/pr ... Buyer beware. IMHO.

responsible adults pay their own way......

I feel like the woman mentioned is being blamed, or dare I say "accountable" for the coddling behaviors of her parents. She grew up that way and who's to say she has any say in what they do for her. I can speak from experience, controlling parents with money and thier own issues or addictions will throw money at their children and the children can't really do a whole lot about it. In tern, they are also living products of this environment.

To say she doesn't have ambition in persuing a career in law is baffling. She's done a lot of work to get where she is. I feel like she's being judged by Marie1960 for some things outside of her control, like her parents behavior. Oh, and money doesn't = coddling my friend. It's often a surrogate for actual support and love.

KBW listen to the opinions here and most importantly go with your gut. If she feels right, try sticking with it. I'd say most importantly don't be to quick to judge and AA isn't the only answer to sobriety. I see an individual therapist and have invested time and even my work in healthy living. I have chosen to make better choices. I think that's the goal.

Please know I have no reason to be judgemental, a simple observation.

As adults I believe we are all accountable for our own actions.

Just because someone acquires a degree does not guarantee success in life.

Responsible and ambition were meant in a character sense.

I remember how very sweet life was when I was in college and daddy was footing the bill, I would have stayed a student forever, that was the easy part, working the next 28has been a challenge.

Marie, not just because they acquire a degree do they become accountable, but it is an accomplishment, not to be diminished.

I say that because it sounds like what you're really saying is, "so what if she passes the BAR, she still has an addiction and for that matter if she conquers her addiction, THAT still doesn't mean she wasn't living an entitled upbringing!"

So where exactly does it end? More importantly KBW will hopefully know what is best. We can't make assumptions based on our dysfunctional and abusive past relationships. Not all relationships turn out that way even if there are problems.

KBW, I hope things are going well, please talk to people here for support.

Look, being an entitled kid from a wealthy family isn't a crime. But it's not exactly a healthy arrangement for the adult children in this situation either. Especially when you intersect that with addiction.

My AH is an entitled kid from a wealthy family whose folks ignored the severity of his addictions while footing the bill for his rehabs, apartments, light bills, and traffic tickets. They lavished him with praise for the tiniest accomplishments, and gave him money to suit his every want and need. It was so ridiculous it got to a point where (I found this out later) he was fired from a job because of the fallout from being addicted to alcoholism and cocaine and his parents paid for him to go on vacation to take a time out before he came back and looked for another job. He took a month off of work to "job search," i.e. get loaded every day and talk about his bad luck and his excellent work ethic.

I met him shortly afterward.

Roughly ten years later, I'm separated from my AH. He lives with his parents, and despite knowing what craziness he's subject to when he's using, they still lavish him with praise and money and enable them so they don't have to face his addictions. He lets them so he doesn't have to face the consequences of his addictions. He never got a decent job. I carried him financially, until my choice was to let go or be dragged. He was content pretending to be a responsible adult, and his parents were perfectly happy to give him all the trappings of a responsible adult. He earned almost none of them.

Sorry to vent, I hope this helps.

The traits of alcoholism seem to show their self in all aspects of an addicts life. That is the reason I asked how long this "accomplished" woman has been in recovery. Is she currently working a program? There are so many layers to this horrible disease. But the bottom line this horrible disease affects the rich, poor, young, old, smart, not so smart, without discrrimination.

She has been in recovery for almost 10 months. She has been free of drinking for about 2 years, however, She then passed her addiction onto pot and used that as her addiction of choice. She has definitely come a long way since I have met her and continues to show signs of progression, and that is why it bothers me that there are people in her life that enable her. ( to me its like a giant roadblock) She is 29years old, not just a kid anymore.
I truly want the best for her and this is why I feel this time we are spending apart is really important, I have to continue to work on myself, and she needs to be ok with being by herself and working on herself as well. More than anything that I need at this point is the respect from her, and just from what I know about Ah is that they have a really hard time respecting themselves let alone others in there life.

she has worked very hard to get where she is today and I really admire that. She has been in recovery for about 10months

As far as respect, she must love and respect herself first.

My personal experience with addiction leads me to believe addicts are hardwired in an unuser friendly way, and an electrician cannot fix them, there is no replacement part, it's an internal component. Only the addict can actually reach reset button.

You say that she is alcohol free, but is pot still part of her daily routine?

no pot is not part of her daily use. she has been free of that for almost the past year. however she does still smoke cigarettes and has a high use of prescription drugs (all prescribed to her by her doctor, however I am not a pill kind of guy so I would consider it to be a lot) I have seen quite a change in her since she has stopped smoking weed. I see a lot of hurt and insecurities that have come with a life of drinking and she definitely has a father that who ignores her and gives most of his attention to her two brothers. She has a very intense personality, however when the walls come down, the pain comes flowing out and for that moment I can see the caring and compassionate woman I know she really is.

Is she in counseling or therapy?

yes she goes to a psychiatrist currently, about twice a month

My best friend of 49 years was on so many meds for awhile, I never knew what to expect. With every drug comes some ungodly side effect. When I researched the side effects of tamoxifen and klonopin, and some other of mood stablizing drugs ( that I cannot even begin to spell) I was in complete shock. I found it all rather scary, and to be taking so many different kinds at the same time, yikes.

I just pray that these doctors really know what they are doing.

I feel the same way now about the prescription pills. there are even times when she will look on the internet about what she is taking and once she sees the side effects she freaks out and questions whether or not she wants to continue to take them. I know one thing she is taking now is seroquel which is actually a antipsychotic. She says the doctor gave it to her to help her sleep since that is one of the side effects of the drug, however that seems to be an extreme way to go about getting some help sleeping.