Calling Parents= Dumb Idea
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Ohio
Posts: 10
Calling Parents= Dumb Idea
So, I just got off the phone with my parents, to let them know my husband relapsed a month and a half ago, and what we've done/been doing since. my parents are very negative people, do I'll admit it, I've put it off. kinda wish I had some more.
the thing is, my parents are recovering alcoholics themselves.it took my dad having a massive seizure to quit drinking, and that was only 4 years ago, after having been a functioning alcoholic for...at least 30 years? my mom was classic enabler, she "only drank with him so that it would be less of what he drank". right.
so it really gets my goat that they say what they do about my husband. I am not defending his behavior, or the consequences of his actions we are dealing with (lost his job, no income, I'm on maternity leave, 2 kids in school plus a toddler, etc). but I hate how hypocritical they are. my dad flat out said my husband won't stay sober and I should have left him the first time it happened. and is that supposed to help?
I guess I needed to vent. I hate how negative and hypocritical they are, but I kind of figu that was how they were going to be. blah!
the thing is, my parents are recovering alcoholics themselves.it took my dad having a massive seizure to quit drinking, and that was only 4 years ago, after having been a functioning alcoholic for...at least 30 years? my mom was classic enabler, she "only drank with him so that it would be less of what he drank". right.
so it really gets my goat that they say what they do about my husband. I am not defending his behavior, or the consequences of his actions we are dealing with (lost his job, no income, I'm on maternity leave, 2 kids in school plus a toddler, etc). but I hate how hypocritical they are. my dad flat out said my husband won't stay sober and I should have left him the first time it happened. and is that supposed to help?
I guess I needed to vent. I hate how negative and hypocritical they are, but I kind of figu that was how they were going to be. blah!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 32
I feel ya! I did the opposite, I called AXBF's parents. Then he dumped me. In the end, it's for the best.
For you and your circumstances, it sounds as if you needed to open the lines of communication, if for no other reason than to say that you may need help in the future? "Help" as in cooking, cleaning, etc.?
For you and your circumstances, it sounds as if you needed to open the lines of communication, if for no other reason than to say that you may need help in the future? "Help" as in cooking, cleaning, etc.?
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
This is why, for support regarding the alcoholic, it is best to turn to Al-Anon, not your family. Your family cannot be unbiased because they care about you.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
Dealing with parents can be tough. I'm lucky in that my mother doesn't butt in; she just asks if AW is still drinking when we talk on the phone, and offers her sympathy.
AW's family doesn't even know. I agreed not to tell them after AW pleaded with me while she was lying in a hospital bed with a broken ankle. I probably shouldn't have agreed, but at the time I was naive enough to think she might quit drinking.
I can't really tell you the best way to deal with your parents, but coming here to vent will probably always make you feel better, and there will be people here to offer support.
AW's family doesn't even know. I agreed not to tell them after AW pleaded with me while she was lying in a hospital bed with a broken ankle. I probably shouldn't have agreed, but at the time I was naive enough to think she might quit drinking.
I can't really tell you the best way to deal with your parents, but coming here to vent will probably always make you feel better, and there will be people here to offer support.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
The family disease is called that because it affects the members of the family - i.e., those loved ones closest to the A. Without Al-Anon or other recovery program, each of them tends to play predictable roles that permit the disease to spread. Because most communication concerning the A is going to flow from the mouths of those role players, such communication is not going to further recovery. For example, my parents defended the AaW, saying I should be doing more for her (instead, I should've been doing much less). That went on until AaW went into rehab, when more of the whole picture came out and there was the "a-ha" moment.
Here's what How Al-Anon Works has to say about those roles at pages 31-32 (2008):
Here's what How Al-Anon Works has to say about those roles at pages 31-32 (2008):
" As we become increasingly aware of the dynamics of the family disease, many of us discover that we have performed a particular function in our family or group. Friends and family members play a wide variety of supporting roles in the family disease, all of which attempt to control the uncontrollable disease of alcoholism and to bring order into the unpredictable and often explosive living or working environment. We don't realize that, by playing our part, we actually contribute to sustaining the disease of alcoholism. We may serve as the enabler, rescuing the alcoholic from unpleasant consequences of his or her own making. Or we may play the victim, unwillingly stepping in and covering for the alcoholic who is too drunk or hung over to fulfill job or family responsibilities. Perhaps we find that our role has been to take the blame whenever anything goes wrong, even when we weren't remotely involved. Others provide comic relief, serving to create light-hearted distraction from the sorrow of life in an alcoholic home. And some of us provoke, venting our pent-up frustration and resentment, providing the alcoholic with an excuse to drink, and poisoning ourselves with our growing bitterness.
" All of these supporting roles work together to maintain a balance in which the alcoholic can continue to play his or her role with as little discomfort as possible. Thus, when any member of this alcoholic circle stops playing his or her part, the entire group is affected."
" All of these supporting roles work together to maintain a balance in which the alcoholic can continue to play his or her role with as little discomfort as possible. Thus, when any member of this alcoholic circle stops playing his or her part, the entire group is affected."
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
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My parents are horribly pissed off at the ABF right now, but they asked me if I am done with him and I said no, not yet.
That's as far as it gets. Due to the sensitive nature of this last meltdown, I am not speaking about him at all with my parents, because it is easier that way.
Let them think I don't talk to him, it will save us from a lot of arguments.
And really, the only reason why I told them anything was because I needed their help. I learned long ago to not trust my parents for anything, because they will always turn it around that it is my fault and make me feel guilty. They are really as bad as him when it comes to the blame game.
That's as far as it gets. Due to the sensitive nature of this last meltdown, I am not speaking about him at all with my parents, because it is easier that way.
Let them think I don't talk to him, it will save us from a lot of arguments.
And really, the only reason why I told them anything was because I needed their help. I learned long ago to not trust my parents for anything, because they will always turn it around that it is my fault and make me feel guilty. They are really as bad as him when it comes to the blame game.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Ohio
Posts: 10
I'm not sure what acoa is, but the answer is yes. my father is 4 years sober, and I believe my mother is as well. they live across the country from us, so we rarely see them.my father also doesn't believe in aa, or al-anon, and doesn't truly believe alcoholism is a disease, he thinks it's an excuse. all this coming from an alcoholic.
it's funny (but not), on the phone he said he didn't want the kids growing up in a house with "that amount of alcohol", when in truth my childhood home was full of it, far more than we have ever kept in our home. and I learned at a young age to not talk to my parents after a certain time, because they turned into very mean people.
I believe they think they are above the disease, and that it doesn't apply to them. but as my husband (and others) have pointed out before, they tend to have the emotional maturity of children. which is why I waited to talk to them. if I had before they would have tried to pressure me even more about leaving (which after many days of soul searching I came to the conclusion now is not the time, but it was a serious consideration).
I have also made the decision to not talk about this with them further. it does me no good, only adds to my already stressful life.they are so clouded with their own judgment they don't see how their negativity affects me. I am looking forward to al anon tomorrow morning!
it's funny (but not), on the phone he said he didn't want the kids growing up in a house with "that amount of alcohol", when in truth my childhood home was full of it, far more than we have ever kept in our home. and I learned at a young age to not talk to my parents after a certain time, because they turned into very mean people.
I believe they think they are above the disease, and that it doesn't apply to them. but as my husband (and others) have pointed out before, they tend to have the emotional maturity of children. which is why I waited to talk to them. if I had before they would have tried to pressure me even more about leaving (which after many days of soul searching I came to the conclusion now is not the time, but it was a serious consideration).
I have also made the decision to not talk about this with them further. it does me no good, only adds to my already stressful life.they are so clouded with their own judgment they don't see how their negativity affects me. I am looking forward to al anon tomorrow morning!
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
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ACoA = Adut Children of Alcoholics.
I've heard it said several times (but not documented) that As stop emotionally maturing from the point at which alcohol began to be abused. I would like to see more on that. But that could explain your observations about his parents.
Good for you in getting ready to Al-Anon! Give it at least six meetings and try different groups. It's been great for me.
I've heard it said several times (but not documented) that As stop emotionally maturing from the point at which alcohol began to be abused. I would like to see more on that. But that could explain your observations about his parents.
Good for you in getting ready to Al-Anon! Give it at least six meetings and try different groups. It's been great for me.
Let go and Let God!
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 352
Penny, I feel for you. I also have very negative family. I don't give them any information unless they ask for it. I used be very negative also and I try to avoid it now.
Going to Alanon is a great idea!
Going to Alanon is a great idea!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I would never tall my parents - they would worry sick, too biased to be fair or supportive.
I thought about telling AH mom - we are close. She was with him through it until he got sober, I have never been through it before now that he has relapsed. Thought she might be able to give some insight, but nah. She is a total codependant and a big part of his issues. Would end a disaster.
I thought about telling AH mom - we are close. She was with him through it until he got sober, I have never been through it before now that he has relapsed. Thought she might be able to give some insight, but nah. She is a total codependant and a big part of his issues. Would end a disaster.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Ohio
Posts: 10
red and wow, I feel you. I was thinking today I don't know how I'm a product of them, at l east in this regard. I've always been optimistic and not bitter.
titanic, my father is a child of alcoholics, I remembered this earlier tonight.
how the hell am I not? I guess I manifested my issues in other ways, but looking at just my genealogy I'm amazed I'm not.
titanic, my father is a child of alcoholics, I remembered this earlier tonight.
how the hell am I not? I guess I manifested my issues in other ways, but looking at just my genealogy I'm amazed I'm not.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Children of parents who are alcoholics or drug addicts have a 50% chance of inheriting the gene
that predisposes them to addiction or marrying an addict. It can be passed on from generation
to generation.
I am the daughter of alcoholics, I am not one, yet I have married 2.
that predisposes them to addiction or marrying an addict. It can be passed on from generation
to generation.
I am the daughter of alcoholics, I am not one, yet I have married 2.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Penny - neither of my parents are alcoholics or addicts. They are the best parents anyone could ask for. They would not be sympathetic (for him)to AH picking up they would only worry (and be sympathetic) about me.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I'm an ACoA. Not an alcoholic myself, never dated addicts, but have had plenty of unhealthy codependent relationships. My sister has dated a few addicts (mostly alcoholics). We are both Bipolar, but her disease is definitely worse than mine. I think she has an alcohol problem too, but I'm too far away to know for sure, and we don't really talk. She's 9 years older than me and is one of my mother's biggest enablers. Not a whole lot in common.
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
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My mom is an ACoA, she hates alcoholics, rehabs (why? that is how they get better), AA (why? That is also how they get better), pretty much anything that has to do with alcohol.
Doesn't stop her from drinking a couple of glasses of wine a night. That's it. She isn't an alcoholic or anything, but she doesn't deny it either.
It makes me mad, if you can't tell. She says all the time that she never wanted me to be with an alcoholic, because her mother was miserable with her father, and blahblahblah, yada yada yada.
Yeah like I woke up one morning and said, "Let me go out and fall in love with an alcoholic because I am sure it is SOOOO FUN!!!!!" Argh.
Doesn't stop her from drinking a couple of glasses of wine a night. That's it. She isn't an alcoholic or anything, but she doesn't deny it either.
It makes me mad, if you can't tell. She says all the time that she never wanted me to be with an alcoholic, because her mother was miserable with her father, and blahblahblah, yada yada yada.
Yeah like I woke up one morning and said, "Let me go out and fall in love with an alcoholic because I am sure it is SOOOO FUN!!!!!" Argh.
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