The Safety Zone
 

Found this girl's blog today and I LOVE IT! The Safety Zone | alexandra nouri

In this entry, called The Safety Zone, she describes the problem with continuing to keep toxic people, like alcoholics, in our lives (she calls them "toads").

One of my all-time greatest heroes (admittedly, I have many) is a chap named Abraham Maslow. Maslow was a psychologist in Brooklyn, NY, who created the Maslow Hierarchy of Needs. Now, don’t worry, Friends, you’re not going to get ambushed with some dry, pointless pontificating here; that’s what toads are for (and, oh, they are good at it, aren’t they?). No, the point about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs that applies here is a brief one and a simple one: You can’t be yourself if you’re busy worrying about being safe.

Like many things that we talk about, that’s an obvious point on paper, but it gets a whole lot harder when we fit it into our lives. You may not feel like the narcissistic toad in your life is actually threatening your SAFETY, but he is. Safety, and health, includes having a mind that knows it’s safe to rest, to muse, to create, to think about nothing, zen-style. And if you’re with a toad I’ll bet my buttons it’s been a long, long time since you’ve been able to relax like that.

You can’t recover from a trauma to your soul that you’re still experiencing. You can’t recover from an emotional beating you’re still taking. You can’t recover from the abuse of a toad when you’re still with him.

The whole idea behind recovery is to get to where you feel safe so that you can move forward in peace and with energy, and be the person you were “meant” to be. This is so key, so pivotal to our mission, that you can use it to identify toady behavior in any situation and with any person. Sometimes in life we ARE unsafe, in ways that don’t involve malice or predation, like when a hurricane is barreling through town (hi, Irene), or when our company is announcing layoffs, or when a child is very sick. These are times when you set aside your calling in life, and your work at maximizing your potential, until the danger has passed. But sometimes people threaten your safety for their own purposes, or just because that’s who they are (and what they do). If it seems like you might be in such a situation, you can ask yourself — Is your peace of mind being threatened? Is it being threatened purely on the whim of an assclown? If so, things aren’t safe, and you can’t be relaxed until they are. You can’t be yourself until the toad’s effects on your life have been neutralized.

Toads aren’t safe. At all. If they can, they’ll stomp all over your life until there’s nothing left, and smile and tell you everything’s terrific while they’re doing it. You can’t recover from this when he’s still in your life, and your life is begging you to be safe so that your life can relax and be at its very best. Your mind wants any danger, famine (including emotional famine), and threats you encounter to be rare, and brief, not a lifestyle.

If your house, and your time, were true sanctuaries of safety and creativity, would the toad be invited in them? Would he be sitting at the kitchen table, smiling broadly while lying, manipulating, and talking about himself?

I bet my buttons he would not.

This is so TRUE, TRUE, TRUE.

Sometimes, only we know who the toads are!!

dandylion

It may be that she calls narcissists "toads," IDK, but I don't think it matters because ALL of what she says here applies to alcoholic and addict behavior too!

Toads... lmao. I love it.

This so reminds me of the ex, I could never get him to go to therapy because he wouldn't admit there was anything wrong with him and he didn't "trust" psychiatrists

Dear Aunt Alex – 8/28/12 | alexandra nouri

Thanks so much as always Learn and thanks for the link! :)

That girl just makes me LOL!!! Feels so good to have a sistah who understands what I've been going through all these years.

Ziggy, I love this part!:

Lmao! I've been reading it and cracking up... if only I had cut him loose years ago. Well, honestly I did try but he kept coming back and promising to change and I was a co-dependent... yeeesh!

I did that! :gaah

I tried so many times but he kept coming back and I took him back! Bad me... :gaah

I pray mine doesn't try to come back... Of the two of us he is the one up holding the no contact. If he were to contact me I'd be tempted to hear him out just to see what quacking I'd hear. SMH

SMEars too

:gaah

I've read The Safety Zone 4 or 5 times today. I keep coming back to it and reminded myself what it means for me, because I have a very thick skull and keep losing track of what it says. ... I remember when my home was my sanctuary. It was a place of peace, serenity, and contentment. It was my sanctuary from the chaos, anger, and confusion of the world. It was a place to come to at the end of the day and focus on myself, my health, on lightness, and silliness. It was a place to relax, to read, to enjoy the silence. A place for reflection, gardening, and creativity. A place of gratitude. A place to walk completely barefoot.

But once AXBF moved in, it became HIS place, no longer mine. There was dried mud on the floor, all through the house. Complaining went on constantly here. Nothing was ever settled. Chaos and drama visited often. Disagreement and discord, confusion and control. It became insane, unpredictable. I could no longer think or create. The attention had to always be on him. And I just kept thinking, "Oh if he would only XYZ he will settle down and I could get some peace." And I'd take care of the problems he created, or stand by and listen to him complain and have anxiety over the problems he created. And eventually I became a depressed blob of nothingness.

But now that he is gone, I am slowly coming back into being. My home is slowly becoming a place of peace and tranquility again.

Good for you, I know the feeling. My ex never moved in with me but he was here a LOT, probably the only thing that saved my sanity was getting to kick him out when he misbehaved. If he was in a bad mood he would be so critical of me and everything in my apartment. Now I get to hang out here in peace and quiet with no quacking or control freak tormeting me.

What a vivid description L2L!! So very SAD. :(

All I wanted was some peace and calm, in order for me to feel safe, like the blogger says.

Now imagine if thru all of this that I thought I could change him. Or that I felt I had the answers. Or that I focused on what I thought was the problem. I'm so grateful I have come far enough that I did not fool myself into thinking this way. All that there was for me to decide was whether this was what I wanted to live with. I realize that I knew it was too much, too sick for me and it was making me sick too, but for some reason I could not make the choice for him to go. Need to work on figuring out why, and how to keep myself from getting in that type of position in the first place. Gotta stop being Ms. PollyAnna Pushover.

That was a great read! Thanks for sharing that!

On another note, it was interesting as I was reading down the comments I got to this one, "Complaining went on constantly here. Nothing was ever settled. Chaos and drama visited often. Disagreement and discord, confusion and control. It became insane, unpredictable. I could no longer think or create. The attention had to always be on him. And I just kept thinking, "Oh if he would only XYZ he will settle down and I could get some peace." And I'd take care of the problems he created, or stand by and listen to him complain and have anxiety over the problems he created. And eventually I became a depressed blob of nothingness."

I read that and started having flashbacks. I've been out of this drama for almost 7 weeks now but I'll be damned if the residual effects of the xabf still remain. The thought of what he creates around him is enough to keep me away as I move forward, back unto my land of peace and tranquility.

I am about 3 and a half months removed from it ItsMyLifeNow and I still am recovering from the trauma. Still tremble or cry at least once a day. Not as severely, and for not as long, but I am getting better. As peace slowly returns to my life...

Ya know what I realize now too? People are always angry around him. People in his life are always yelling, complaining, blaming, dramatic. Life is always messed up; something is always messed up with him. What a sad way to live. Even sadder is that all that moved into my house with him!

can you post where you found that blog? The link was removed.

I think if you do an internet search on Google or ***** or Bing for the author's name, you will find it.