BlueSkiesAgain

AS (not ready to say recovering yet) has been doing well. He has had about 2 weeks with out drinking. Going to AA and to a private counselor. Had some rough times with the urges but figured out a way to work through them thanks to this great board and some of the members in Newcomers to Recovery thread. He has been making very good decisions and getting A's on college midterms.

Then last night he went to AA and I was gone when he got home. He has a friend who has been wanting son to move in with him. Well, while he was calm and sober he discussed his reasons for wanting to move out. He had some good reasons and they made a lot of sense. The one sticking point is that he wanted to take his car. My boundary on the car is that he can not have it because it is in my name and I need to know that he is working a recovery program before I am comfortable giving him the car. He is welcome to get a job and I will transfer the car to him when he can pay insurance.

Anyway, after I talk I thought he would be moving out within the next few weeks or months. He left the conversation went to his room and packed a bag and said he was moved out. The terms were better than before but I do think he rushed it. Why? He used the excuse that he needed to put into practice what he was learning in AA and he couldn't do that until he is independent. I know that was a manipulation and I told him so. Anyway, after the last time he moved out he knew he had one chance to come home with no questions asked. The boundary we set was after returning if he left again he was on his own. I can't allow my house to be a revolving door.

I am feeling pretty sick to my stomach today but I can't continue to live like this. I can only hope and pray that he will continue to go to his AA meetings and truly work a recovery program.

Titanic

Give time time to work. You can reassess things after he works his program and, more importantly, you work yours. How's it going with Al-Anon meetings and materials?

BlueSkiesAgain

We don't have Al Anon meetings in my area. I have the book Codependent No More and have ordered another that was recommended here.

I am doing pretty good staying calm when dealing with son which is a big improvement. I'm also sticking with the boundaries.

Titanic

There are online and telephonic Al-Anon meetings too. Go on the national Al-Anon web site clikck on the find-a-meeting tab at the top and choose electronic meetings.

Keep holding those boundaries steady!

Thumper

I think you are doing great with boundaries and your own recovery. In the long run you being strong in your recovery is the very best thing you can do for him, even if he falters.

I'm sending up some prayers for your family and that your AS continues to embrace sobriety and recovery.

dandylion

Blueskies, You are doing an admirable job, in my opinion. Having been in your shoes, I know the powerful feelings that this can arouse in the parent!!
You stayed calm. You kept the boundry. There was nothing more that you could do.

I continue to agree with you, wholeheartedly about the car! For a person his age (esp. males), I marvel at the magical allure that a vehicle holds. It seems to envelop power, independence, social status, and, yes--easy access to alcohol. I find it an amazing phenomenon...LOL.

This same scenario could have resulted in a roof-raising fight in some families. It did in mine (I didn't know then, what I know now).

I know that this is all so difficult and scarey about his furture, etc... BUT, it has to happen sometime--and it is far better now than later, down the road--for all concerned.

Keep the faith.

dandylion

BlueSkiesAgain

We have had a few roof raisers in our house too. That was before I found SR and started working on me. S is working his program and I'm working mine. I must say that him finding the "right" AA group has made a tremendous difference. Doesn't mean things are perfect but he is an adult and is actually making adult decisions and has made a few good ones lately. I know he is learning a lot from AA because I'm hearing him say a lot of the same things that I'm reading.

My latest boundary is that I will not try to make decisions for my AS. He is an adult and can make them for himself. If it happens to be a bad decision it isn't terminal.

dandylion

Blueskies, it is so good to hear of the changes that are happening in your family. I can see that you all are trying very hard!!

dandylion

Titanic

That is progress and great BSA! All my best wishes for you, your DAS & family!

BlueSkiesAgain

Wanted to give a positive for the weekend. With AS moving out I am finally getting to the point that I can go to sleep without worry. He is in AA and is doing very well. Saturday about 6pm son called to tell me he was about 4 hours away visiting a college where a lot of his friends go. I know what happens at these colleges and I was worried. I talked to him for a few minutes and told him to make good choices and hung up. He was obviously struggling with to drink or not to drink but I didn't know it. I just thought he would drink because that has always been his past behavior. After he talked to me he called his AA sponsor and discussed that he should have known better than to go and that he was having a hard time. The AA sponsor told him to find a local AA meeting and go. S called me back and said if I try to call him not to worry that he was going to an AA meeting and wouldn't answer his phone. He went to the meeting and his friends went to a party and he chose not to go because he "knows himself". After he got back in town he called to say he was home and I invited him for dinner. We had a great long talk and he described how his weekend went. He put himself in a situation that in the past would have lead to a blackout drunk. But he made good choices. He decided that he is adding another AA day so instead of going twice a week he will be going three times.

I know it is still a slippery slope but he is really trying and really wants this.

dandylion

Dear Blueskies---So far, so good! Good material for today's thankful list, no?

Isn't is so nice when they come over sober, have dinner, socialize like an adult human, and, leave sober?

dandylion

Titanic

Darn good progress, both of you!