mitch1973

Hi….
I am looking for some advice after reading some of the previous post, I guess I will start with my story (same as most really)
I am 29 and my girlfriend is 33 and we have been together for nearly 3 years. At the start it was great we used to go out drinking and have a brilliant time and not long after she moved into my bungalow with me and it was good but then I started to notice the drinking more…
She started working at a local pub and when she finished at night I would pick her up but I would get a text just having a quick one and I would be waiting for 15 minutes but then sometimes she would get take outs and come home and start drinking at 11 0’clock so I would go bed and most of the time wake up about 4 in the morning and she would still be sitting there or passed out on the sofa and if I said anything she would bite my head off and this was week nights or her days off she we go drinking with the locals….
This job lasted for 4 months or so then she found a job at working in a coffee shop which meant working days and weekends with days off in the week, but on the days off she work go down the local shop at 10 in the morning after I went work and buy cans and she would text we saying her mate has come round or she gone out for dinner (meaning I am drinking) and when I got home from work we would fight and accuse me of stupid things, I have even come home to find her passed out on the floor and then when she comes round she kick off, I have even been to the hospital as she has drank that mush she had a fit and this night I found out she had been lying about her mate and she been drinking on her own and hiding the evidence.
I must admit I am not entirely fault less I do get angry when I come home and she drunk and want argue it’s just so frustrating.
But one night I came home and as usually ending up fighting and she starting throwing things and got really out of hand and I had to restrain her on the floor, this was hard as I have a muscle weakness so it was either let her hit me or hold her down anyway I can, anyway the police came and arrested her and she moved to her sisters after endless texts about how I am making her homeless etc etc…..
We split up for a few months and she got a flat and she said she has it under control and I believe her so I decided to give it another go and it was going good as both had our own space etc at this time she was on the sick as she fell out with her work colleges after the xmas do, so she started working at another pub but it was going ok but then the arguing started again and falling out etc etc you know how the story goes but the next day she is sorry and promised to stop but the following week it happens again.
Now she has to leave her flat by the end of the moth and she want to move in with me or else we are done, I have said you need to sort your drink problem out first before we can live together again.
It is really frustrating as I love her and 6 days out of 7 are ace it’s just this 1 day when she drinks and sometime she is ok and others goes crazy.
I don’t know what to do…..she says she will stop drinking but if she moves in and starts again we will be in the same position as before….

dollydo

"Now she has to leave her flat by the end of the moth and she want to move in with me or else we are done, I have said you need to sort your drink problem out first before we can live together again."

I couldn't agree more. My boundry would be "Stay clean and sober and work a strong
recovery program for at least one year, and then I will consider letting you move in with me."

She is attempting to emotionally blackmail you, to manipulate you into doing something that you know will never work out. Her chances of stopping the drink after she moves in with you are slim and none, she will have you by the short hairs and will do as she pleases.

Read all the stickeys at the top of this forum and other posts, it will help you.

redatlanta

Hi - first sorry for what you are going through.

My educated guess is if she moves back in things will be exactly the same and probably worse. She has not been to treatment - she is fooling you and you yourself if you think its going to change.

I have only been on SR for about a week in dealing with a potential relapse with my AH and have learned so much. Even with a recovered it is a lot of work. A lot of work for ME that is. The alcoholism often masks or is self medication for underlying issues be environmental or organic. Personality is personality, bad habits aside from addicition are bad habits. Take away the alcohol and all that bad sh** is still there. Right now unbeknownst to my better half I am evaluating our future and whether or not I want it to continue.

Its not just me I read it all here - so many common issues we as the non-addicted partner deal with.

People who are alcoholics and addicts sober or not have PROBLEMS and lots of them. Had I had a clue about that I would have never entered into this.

1 day a week is 52 days a year. 52 days that suck, 52 days that you are upset, 52 days ruined. That is for now. Soon it will be more.

Read here - as much as you can. All the stories. That will be your life.

Titanic

Sorry about all your troubles with that mate. We here understand because we too lived with it.

It is a progressive disease unless, at a minimum, the drinking stops. She's still drinking. It will get worse. Hold steady. Keep your boundary intact. Don't let her move back in.

She first must DECIDE to be sober for herself alone (the only way sobriety has a chance to stick), SHOW that she's sober by her actions over at least (bare bones) 90 days, and DAILY be working a recovery program like AA for the same minimum period. She might relapse during that period (many do) but if she gets back on the wagon, reset the clock to zero from that point, and wait again. Reassess then. One year would be better if you can wait.

In the meantime, please go to Al-Anon meetings (at least six and try different groups) to learn about this Family disease (it infects those living with or around the alcoholic) and to develop good strategies for dealing with this, and for Your recovery and guidance.

Until she's done (for herself) at least 90 days of living sober and working a recovery program, don't let her move back in. Get to Al-Anon meetings.

That's my suggestion.

Peace and strength mate.

mitch1973

Thank you your replies.

I have read some of the other stories and it is shockingly surprising how familiar they sound and put things in perspective.

I think the hardest thing is removing emotions from it as you love this person and hope things will/can change and it never seems to do and you like about the good times and think only if you change........

I know the crack but when she said 'i don't care if she's made homeless again' still hurts and makes me think its my fault when its not like i am heartless something.......think she turning me crazy!

dollydo

"think she turning me crazy!"

Honestly that will happen, we become as crazy as the addict themselves...I know, I've been there!

She is an adult, it is up to her to provide for herself, to find her way to becoming a responsibile member of society.

Have you read Codependent No More by Meoldie Beattie? Might be a good starting point.

Titanic

Keep reading up and posting on Sober • Recovery (they have both words in there for a reason!!).

Yes, the basic story - the bottom line - is still the same though each story is unique.

She has to change. She has to stop drinking and recover. If she doesn't, well then you have your answer. In the meantime, you'll get help in Al-Anon with not only her "making" you feel that you must do something for her and that you are at fault but also so much more (about the disease, how it affects the ones who love the As, how to handle situations, what tools to obtain and use, and yourself).

The 3 C's we learn in Al-Anon: you didn't Cause it, and you can't Cure or Control it or her. And not "getting" those 3 while dealing with an alcoholic will make you crazy, "insane" (see Steps 1 & 2 of the Twelve Steps in Al-Anon). It is NOT your fault she's an alcoholic, or in your power to change her and her alcoholism.

Keep coming back!

Katiekate

Hi Mitch, so glad you have posted.

Just want to chime in like everyone else, walk away.

She does indeed need to sort herself out, she is more likely to do that if you do not provide her a soft place to land. If that ends the relationship, it does.

You will not regret walking away from a future of horrible.

Keep posting, keep reading, we are here.

Katie

Katiekate

PS she will make you crazy.

I'm coming off a 2 year stint of crazy.

It's brutal.

SparkleKitty

My two cents -- under the VERY BEST of circumstances, moving in together is something that should be carefully considered, with pros and cons weighed and weighted...moving in together for convenience's sake or because one of you is having financial issues -- IMO, that's a recipe for disaster even when you take alcohol out of the equation.

My XABF always came with emergencies and have-to's, but they were all a fiction created by his alcoholism to get what he needed - someone to take care of everything else so he could drink. I'm not suggesting you walk away right this second, but I would think long and hard before allowing yourself to be bullied into a deeper commitment to someone who appears to be unstable. You can care for her without living with her. You can care for her without Taking Care of her. If you want this to go further, your terms mean something too. Do you know what those terms are?

mitch1973

it is brutal.....she just not interested now told her you got a problem and WE need to sort it but she just said 'im not your problem anymore'.......like said you cant help someone who doesn't want help....

Thanks for all the posts too, makes you take a step back and you can see all the signs etc

mitch1973

"You can care for her without Taking Care of her. If you want this to go further, your terms mean something too. Do you know what those terms are? "

I have said there is obviously a drinking issue and we need to resolve this before we can live together again, I have said we can easily find another place for you too live and the drinking and falling out has to be stopped and we are stable and happy before we can look into moving back in together.

She has said if she is getting a place on her own then she is doing it alone and I don't care about her, She say's there is no point.

SparkleKitty

That sounds like emotional blackmail to me. All or nothing. "You either do everything I want you to do, exactly the way I want you to do it, or obviously you are a bad person who doesn't care about me and I will withhold all of myself because of it."

Sometimes you have to show you care by doing what they need, not what they want. I'm sorry things are so effed up. It sounds like she has a long road to go before she is okay enough with herself to be in a relationship with someone else.

Katiekate

She has said if she is getting a place on her own then she is doing it alone and I don't care about her, She say's there is no point.

Translation, if you don't support my addiction you don't care.

She is not ready to address it, in that sense she is correct, there is no point.

Titanic

You both are in need of recovery. The thinking has been affected by the disease. Here are examples.

Not WE, but rather SHE needs to sort HER whole drinking problem out. No, "It's not YOUR problem ANYMORE" because it was her problem to deal with all along. No, WE should not be easily finding a place to live; SHE should be. Let her.

It IS brutal, the effect that this disease has on loved ones as well as the alcoholic.

She's not interested now because booze is her real boyfriend. She's either going to keep that loser or dump him. Only after she makes that choice will she really be free to be in a true, non-manipulative, reciprocal relationship. It is what it is.

Sorry you are suffering because of it.

Titanic

Another way to think of it is this.

You know she has a Big problem, the Booze Bottle. She has the Big Booze Bottle clutched tightly in her hands. You are looking at her and trying to embrace her. But you will never be able to embrace her because the Big Booze Bottle (as long as she clutches it) will prevent you from getting your arms around her and, to boot, her getting her hands free to embrace you. All you are doing now is clutching at straw just like she's clutching her Big Booze Bottle. She is a straw-woman NOT a real girlfriend. You both need to stop clutching. AA and Al-Anon can teach her and you how to do that.

If the Big Booze Bottle drops and breaks, both of you will be free to embrace each other if both of you want to.

Lynnrae2

Your in a good place to be posting here at SR. Do not stop. Keep reading the stories and keep educating yourself on the disease.

I felt the same way when I came to SR. I thought wow. Although different, everyone pretty much has the same exact story. All of the abuse, the lies, the dissapointment, the exhaustion (that you endure).

It has taken me 4 years to figure it out. But, like everyone else here has told you. She will not change. She will continue to drink and cause you grief.

It has been about a month now that I have last had contact with my exA. I still worry about him. I do miss him, but I sleep better. I feel better. I laugh more now.

Just keep moving forward. Put you first!!!!!!!