Helping Myself

I have been with my A boyfriend for almost 2 years now and there is no end in sight to his drinking. He has admitted that. He justifies it by saying that he only drinks beer and is not a mean drunk. I'm not ready to leave him, but I am ready to change myself for my kids and for me. I have finally realized that being codependent has been my life for...well, forever. I have been so wrapped up in him (or whoever I am with) that I have lost myself. I want to know where he is and what he is doing at all times. If he comes home and his eyes are more red than usual I worry that he is doing drugs again. If I ask him to spend time with me on the weekends and he spends all his time at the bar I end up crying most of the time.

I have two wonderful kids (not with him) that I need to take care of and want to focus on them and myself. I'm almost 30 years old and still don't know what I want to do with my life as far as a career goes. I've been afraid that if I get a full-time job outside of the house then I will come home to a total puddle in the winter when he is laid off from work. I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to take my life back and detach from his. I'm starting to do that, but so far it has been two steps forward and one step back.

From what I have experienced of it in the past few weeks, it is a very free feeling when I allow myself to not care about what he is doing. But that has been very hard for me to do. I keep catching myself falling back into my obsessive ways. Can anybody give me any advice on detaching?

:sink This is how I feel...above water, but barely.

Jeff_C

Congratulations for taking care of yourself, and your children. Learning the ways of Alanon is always a process,, as opposed to an event. Detachment itself is essentially a control issue, and we’ll not learn it over night, ‘cause the fact is we don’t know ourselves as much as we think we do. And while it is one of the “tools� that we use, it’s best applied with the others, and the framework that supports all of them are the steps themselves. They’re the “glue� that not only binds it all together but makes a sense of our lives that we’ve never had before.

Hang in there. Hit some F2F meetings. Build that support group. Find a sponsor, and work the steps. More than that live your life, and suck it dry.
Jeff

journeygal

HI Helping Myself,

It is a process and it takes time to make lasting changes. I found that it's helpful to take one thing you do a lot and focus on trying to change it. For instance, I used to be obsessed with Jack's cell phone. I would call it a bazillion times a day, especially if I didn't know where he was. So I started focusing on not calling him. It was very hard and it didn't happen overnight, but now I'm at the point where I rarely call him, unless I really need to get in touch with him or I just want to say hi. And if he doesn't answer, I either just hang up or leave a message, and I don't call back. Trust me, if I could do it, anyone can!

It's hard work b/c our natural tendency is to obsess about them, so we have to consciously work on doing the opposite, until that becomes our natural reaction. Don't give up, b/c like you've already observed, it's very liberating to detach from them and focus on us.

Hang in there,
JG

Helping Myself

Thank you for your advice! Just focusing on one thing at a time is what I need to do. When I get an idea in my head I usually want to take action NOW and then when it isn't working as smoothly as I would like or is not going my way I quit. But I don't want to quit on this. I really do want to change and I believe that with the support of God and this board and outside meetings I can make it happen. I'm so happy to have found other people who know what I'm going through!

JT

I am with Journey on this one. You are on the right track just knowing that you are too caught up with his day to day stuff. Start small...one thing at a time.

And about you and what you want to do, take some time...a weekend...to think about what your strong points are and where you might fit job-wise. What have you done and what do you want to do? The first job is not likely to be the right fit but you have to start somewhere.

Welcome and make yourself at home,
JT

Helping Myself

Thank you JT. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I think I am going to get some more schooling since I am financially at a place that I can do that. Maybe with a goal of my own I can start taking care of the more important things in my life right now. Not that he is not important, but his disease should not consume my entire life.

JT

There you go...now THAT is detaching! Changing the focus from him to you!

Go get 'em!
JT

Rose56

Oh Yes, going back to school is an excellent idea! New ideas, new interests, new energy that has nothing to do with him. You are doing so well and moving so quickly. Hugs.