When the kids are home: no drinks or in moderation?
Iceberg Ahead!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
When the kids are home: no drinks or in moderation?
One of the parents is an RA. The other parent is not an A. When the children are at the Non-A's home, what do you think is best: no alcohol at all, or only occasionally, demonstrating moderation?
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Titanic)) don't really know how to answer this. I can tell you that I'm the RA, my stepmom is the A and her use of drugs doesn't trigger me or anything. It actually makes me glad I'm not the one all messed up, but it's a different situation. Moderation isn't a word in her vocabulary.
I don't think "demonstrating moderation" really demonstrates anything. If you want to have a drink because you want to, that's one thing. If you're thinking it will show the A what moderation is, well...we RA's can't moderate. It's all or nothing.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I don't think "demonstrating moderation" really demonstrates anything. If you want to have a drink because you want to, that's one thing. If you're thinking it will show the A what moderation is, well...we RA's can't moderate. It's all or nothing.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Iceberg Ahead!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Not asking about the RA. Just asking about how to best raise the kids. The Non-A may wish to drink socially. But, when with the kids, does the Non-A do best by modeling abstinence or moderation?
Assuming the RA stayed sober, both parents would practice abstinence OR the Non-A would model moderation to the children (they would see those two choices in practice).
Assuming the RA stayed sober, both parents would practice abstinence OR the Non-A would model moderation to the children (they would see those two choices in practice).
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
I am dealing with this issue now. My STXAH is under a court order to not drink while he has the kids. He still does and kind of seems like there is not much that can be done about it. The kids have court appointed attorneys, councelors etc. but my ex is slippery.
For my part, I am the Non-A parent. I really don't have the desire to drink very often anymore. He pretty much wrecked that life pleasure for me. If I do have something it is usually after the kids go to bed. When I am with my sisters or a friend I may have a glass of wine or two.
I have asked my older son about his feelings on the issue. His response is wine is fine. I notice him looking at someone a little longer than normal when they open a beer. I think he now associates beer and hard alcohol with the person becoming mean or overly emotional. My son is nine so at an age where he doen't quite understand what is causing the personality shifts so to make it easier on him I tend to try not to drink in front of him.
4MyBoys
For my part, I am the Non-A parent. I really don't have the desire to drink very often anymore. He pretty much wrecked that life pleasure for me. If I do have something it is usually after the kids go to bed. When I am with my sisters or a friend I may have a glass of wine or two.
I have asked my older son about his feelings on the issue. His response is wine is fine. I notice him looking at someone a little longer than normal when they open a beer. I think he now associates beer and hard alcohol with the person becoming mean or overly emotional. My son is nine so at an age where he doen't quite understand what is causing the personality shifts so to make it easier on him I tend to try not to drink in front of him.
4MyBoys
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
Let me clarify that I think that kids should be taught that drinking should not be seen as a sin or something only "bad" people do. It is very confusing for my kids. It ripped my family apart but I don't want them to think that everyone that is having a drink is doing something bad. I am just in the thick of it right now, going through an extremly ugly divorce. I think it will just be a subject I am going to have to touch base with them about until they are old enough to make their own decisions.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Oh, my bad. I was raised with parents that drank on rare occasions. I don't know about when one parent is an RA. I can see, now, why you're asking the question. I know my niece was raised (by my dad/stepmom) - stepmom started giving her lortabs at an early age for every ache and pain, dad rarely takes ANY medication.
She went through the stage of wanting PAIN MEDICINE, but now is 19, pregnant and said "I don't want people throwing pain medicine at me for every ache and pain - that stuff hurts your liver!" I think she is now more aware of her "mom's" (what she calls my stepmom) addiction and she really doesn't like it.
Don't know if that helps any, but I do thing seeing my sm active in addiction, me in recovery, and dad who doesn't have an A bone in his body did have an effect on her, it just took time.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
She went through the stage of wanting PAIN MEDICINE, but now is 19, pregnant and said "I don't want people throwing pain medicine at me for every ache and pain - that stuff hurts your liver!" I think she is now more aware of her "mom's" (what she calls my stepmom) addiction and she really doesn't like it.
Don't know if that helps any, but I do thing seeing my sm active in addiction, me in recovery, and dad who doesn't have an A bone in his body did have an effect on her, it just took time.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Funny you should ask -- I've tried to post about this three times over the weekend but got interrupted.
I normally don't drink when I have the kids. I don't drink much anyway, so it's not like it's a huge sacrifice or anything. But I've deliberately chosen to not drink when they're in the house, given that they're insecure enough when their father drinks, they don't need to see me even a little bit tipsy. It's frightening to them, and they worry about whether I will go the way of their father if I drink.
We had some friends over for an Italian dinner on Saturday. At the store, I thought "it would be nice with a bottle of Italian wine with this food" so I asked my kids how they would feel if I got a bottle of wine for the adults. My youngest one said "I guess that would be OK" but didn't look like she meant it. My older one wrinkled her brow, crossed her arms in front of her chest, and said, "No."
So that's it. I would like them to know that some people can drink in moderation and that that's OK -- but given the trauma they've been exposed to, they're not ready for that insight yet.
I normally don't drink when I have the kids. I don't drink much anyway, so it's not like it's a huge sacrifice or anything. But I've deliberately chosen to not drink when they're in the house, given that they're insecure enough when their father drinks, they don't need to see me even a little bit tipsy. It's frightening to them, and they worry about whether I will go the way of their father if I drink.
We had some friends over for an Italian dinner on Saturday. At the store, I thought "it would be nice with a bottle of Italian wine with this food" so I asked my kids how they would feel if I got a bottle of wine for the adults. My youngest one said "I guess that would be OK" but didn't look like she meant it. My older one wrinkled her brow, crossed her arms in front of her chest, and said, "No."
So that's it. I would like them to know that some people can drink in moderation and that that's OK -- but given the trauma they've been exposed to, they're not ready for that insight yet.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I am non-A and I will have an occasional drink if I have company over. I don't drink by myself and I don't over drink. I have beer in my fridge right now and some alcohol in the cabinet. It will be there a long time, lol.
My ex was not angry or scary so it does not trigger my kids. If it did I would abstain.
ETA: I'm never away from all my kids unless I'm at work so I don't get tipsy. I just have one or two with guests or if we are at the neighbors roasting marshmallows. I don't drink with just them - not even when we go out to eat.
My ex was not angry or scary so it does not trigger my kids. If it did I would abstain.
ETA: I'm never away from all my kids unless I'm at work so I don't get tipsy. I just have one or two with guests or if we are at the neighbors roasting marshmallows. I don't drink with just them - not even when we go out to eat.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I really think it depends on the kid too. Mine is pretty advanced emotionally & we talk, talk, talk about EVERYTHING. She'd always been very verbal & has a great ability to grasp the deeper concepts if they are presented in a way she can understand. She was never directly traumatized by AH's drinking so she doesn't get triggered when alcohol comes up.
I do drink in front of DD, in moderation. We also talk openly about how Dad attends weekly meetings, is focused on recovery & has had & will continue to have problems with alcohol which relate to him never drinking again. But that mom & dad are different people with different situations. We talk about how we're all different in the way we handle things whether it's due to our genetics, decisions or natural talents. We talk about how my dad was an A too, and how the situations are similar or different. I think educating her to it all is the key.
I often have my girlfriends over for 'Girls Nite In'. We have margaritas, catch-up on our lives, drink shots, make tons of appetizers (trying out new recipes whenever possible)sometimes do facials, pedicures, etc., laugh & cry together. Everyone brings their pj's & we have a giant slumber party. The kids (we all have girls except for my newest nephew who is only 10 months
) are set up with pizza, popcorn, movies & special treats. They play with Barbies, write & perform skits, play makeover. In the morning we make a big breakfast before everyone goes home. On those nights (which occur every 3-4 months) RAH does a series of meetings, spends time with his sponsor & goes fishing etc.
I do drink in front of DD, in moderation. We also talk openly about how Dad attends weekly meetings, is focused on recovery & has had & will continue to have problems with alcohol which relate to him never drinking again. But that mom & dad are different people with different situations. We talk about how we're all different in the way we handle things whether it's due to our genetics, decisions or natural talents. We talk about how my dad was an A too, and how the situations are similar or different. I think educating her to it all is the key.
I often have my girlfriends over for 'Girls Nite In'. We have margaritas, catch-up on our lives, drink shots, make tons of appetizers (trying out new recipes whenever possible)sometimes do facials, pedicures, etc., laugh & cry together. Everyone brings their pj's & we have a giant slumber party. The kids (we all have girls except for my newest nephew who is only 10 months
) are set up with pizza, popcorn, movies & special treats. They play with Barbies, write & perform skits, play makeover. In the morning we make a big breakfast before everyone goes home. On those nights (which occur every 3-4 months) RAH does a series of meetings, spends time with his sponsor & goes fishing etc.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Titanic 
Can guys come over for a wee bit?
We are all very strong-minded, direct, unafraid to make our opinions known & are thick as thieves with strong loyalties to All Things Girlie!
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I'll weigh in here.
I was raised by an RA (dad) and a (seemingly) normal drinker (mom). I remember at least one incident where my dad freaked out because my mom let me taste her drink. I don't remember how old I was. Junior high may be. It was a one-sided yelling match and lecture about how dangerous it was to let me taste a drink.
I knew that my dad would not tolerate any type of drinking what-so-ever. He was ragingly passionate about it. My mother was very passive and would do just about anything to avoid any type of confrontation. I used to stand in for her on their fights.
I will say that he told all of us, the kids, why. He was an alcoholic, he could never drink again, and that we should be careful because it could be genetic. I felt good armed with this powerful knowledge and safe because I was "in the know" and sure that it wouldn't happen to me.
I remember at around 10 or so, telling my mom that she shouldn't be drinking in the car while she was driving. When I was about 11, I remember realizing that she drank too much ..... that I was concerned about it. My dad was clueless to this fact which, to this day still bothers me .... or should I say, baffles me. It wasn't something anyone talked about in our house although I know at some point I did ask my mom if she thought she drank too much. I was probably high school age. I was in full-party mode myself then. She finally announced to the family that she had a problem when I was in my 20's.
Out of the three kids, I'm the only alcoholic (to my knowledge). I know the way were raised did not cause my alcoholism but I will say that my dads ragingly passionate opinion on the subject prevented me from EVER discussing drinking with him. Looking back at it, his fear was rearing it's ugly head.
I do think I benefited from the honesty about the alcoholism .... I knew where to go when I needed help.
I was raised by an RA (dad) and a (seemingly) normal drinker (mom). I remember at least one incident where my dad freaked out because my mom let me taste her drink. I don't remember how old I was. Junior high may be. It was a one-sided yelling match and lecture about how dangerous it was to let me taste a drink.
I knew that my dad would not tolerate any type of drinking what-so-ever. He was ragingly passionate about it. My mother was very passive and would do just about anything to avoid any type of confrontation. I used to stand in for her on their fights.
I will say that he told all of us, the kids, why. He was an alcoholic, he could never drink again, and that we should be careful because it could be genetic. I felt good armed with this powerful knowledge and safe because I was "in the know" and sure that it wouldn't happen to me.
I remember at around 10 or so, telling my mom that she shouldn't be drinking in the car while she was driving. When I was about 11, I remember realizing that she drank too much ..... that I was concerned about it. My dad was clueless to this fact which, to this day still bothers me .... or should I say, baffles me. It wasn't something anyone talked about in our house although I know at some point I did ask my mom if she thought she drank too much. I was probably high school age. I was in full-party mode myself then. She finally announced to the family that she had a problem when I was in my 20's.
Out of the three kids, I'm the only alcoholic (to my knowledge). I know the way were raised did not cause my alcoholism but I will say that my dads ragingly passionate opinion on the subject prevented me from EVER discussing drinking with him. Looking back at it, his fear was rearing it's ugly head.
I do think I benefited from the honesty about the alcoholism .... I knew where to go when I needed help.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I think my dads reaction was over-the-top. Someone else mentioned it .... but he made me feel like drinking was horrible and wrong and I would get into trouble for it. I wish he was just more honest about why he was so fearful about it.
Unfortunately, because of my personality, I always wanted to do those things I wasn't supposed to do. He should have known that. I'm practically a clone of him.
Unfortunately, because of my personality, I always wanted to do those things I wasn't supposed to do.
He should have known that. I'm practically a clone of him.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I guess their age might have something to do with it - are they old enough to understand the difference between alcoholic and non-alcoholic?
If they are used to seeing you drink I don't think it shouldn't be a problem. This is a weird metaphor but my mom did have some depression/mental issues (non alcohol she wasn't a drinker). If she made a pot of coffee late at night we knew we were in deep **it it meant the black cloud was coming (coffee and cigs to be exact while pacing the kitchen). If my dad joined her for a cup - it didn't mean anything.
I also agree with PaperDolls - make it too taboo and I would for sure want to try!
Just my .02
If they are used to seeing you drink I don't think it shouldn't be a problem. This is a weird metaphor but my mom did have some depression/mental issues (non alcohol she wasn't a drinker). If she made a pot of coffee late at night we knew we were in deep **it it meant the black cloud was coming (coffee and cigs to be exact while pacing the kitchen). If my dad joined her for a cup - it didn't mean anything.
I also agree with PaperDolls - make it too taboo and I would for sure want to try!
Just my .02
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 6
To me it really depends on the situation, but here's my experience with it as an adult child.
When my mom was arrested for her last DUI, she went to jail/treatment for about a year in total. Now my dad (who I go back and forth on thinking he's an alcoholic) drank anyway, much to our dismay as the kids. It got to the point where he would drink his scotch at night out of a coffee mug, like we were idiots or something. Couple years later, now shes home and things have settled after yet another custody battle, to which there may or may not have been an order on my dad not to drink in front of my sister (I don't know where that actually stands, as I have moved away from home recently).
Point is, his drinking did do damage to us kids, as we didn't wanna see that as our mom was already in deep **** because of it. Though you never know, some kids might not care if the non-A parent drinks, especially if they're divorced. Though as a 19 year old guy, I don't really mind now if he drinks in front of me, as long as things don't get crazy because of it, and they have in the past. But in front of my sister is a different story.
When my mom was arrested for her last DUI, she went to jail/treatment for about a year in total. Now my dad (who I go back and forth on thinking he's an alcoholic) drank anyway, much to our dismay as the kids. It got to the point where he would drink his scotch at night out of a coffee mug, like we were idiots or something. Couple years later, now shes home and things have settled after yet another custody battle, to which there may or may not have been an order on my dad not to drink in front of my sister (I don't know where that actually stands, as I have moved away from home recently).
Point is, his drinking did do damage to us kids, as we didn't wanna see that as our mom was already in deep **** because of it. Though you never know, some kids might not care if the non-A parent drinks, especially if they're divorced. Though as a 19 year old guy, I don't really mind now if he drinks in front of me, as long as things don't get crazy because of it, and they have in the past. But in front of my sister is a different story.
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