caligirl71

Hi,
Here I am back again and this time, like all of you said, my life is much worse. My AH was charged with a DUI over the weekend. We were supposed to go camping but when he came home he was wasted so I chose to stay home and asked him not to go in his condition. He called me names and drove away..2 hours later I received a call from the police stating they had arrested him. He spent the night in jail and came home the next day. He is saying he is sorry and will stop drinking now. I don't believe him. Should I believe him? I don't know what to do. It seems he is more concerned about losing his job and license than his family. Could this be his "rock bottom"? I told him if he picks up another drink ever again I will divoce him. So what do you all think? Any opinions or advice. I am in therapy now and know I can not live any more with a drunk...

fluffyflea

Keep going to therapy and if you don't already go to Alanon. If you can, get hold of a series of books called Getting Them Sober.

It's probably not his bottom.

suki44883

It might be the turning point, but who knows? I didn't stop drinking when I got my DUI. Oh, I did for a while, but alcoholism is very powerful and at some point, he'll probably try to convince himself that he can control it.

As you no doubt know, many people get multiple DUIs, spend time in jail, in the hospital, lose jobs, homes, etc., yet they still drink. Time will tell whether or not your husband really means it.

marie1960

So sorry to hear Caligirl. Only time will tell. XA lost his job because of his drinking, AND it didn't change a damn thing for him, other than he had more time on his hands to drink...

The best predictor of future behavior...... past behavior.

I can only suggest making a livable plan for yourself. An addict is going to do what an addict is going to do.

Hugs))))

Tuffgirl

I am sorry, caligirl. But at this point, instead of trying to predict his future behavior, how about making plans for yourself to follow through with the boundary you set above...one more drink and you divorce him. Unless you didn't mean that...

JenK2

My son had an impaired.. lost his job, girlfriend, truck, house, dog, money, went to 5 1/2 months treatment, came home and went to the liquor store.

dollydo

One would hope, however, I wouldn't hold my breath. He will probably stop for a period of time or until he thinks that he is out of trouble, then?

If you are not doing so,get yourself to Alanon meetings, it will help.

lillamy

Talk is cheap. Unless he moves ahead with contacting a rehab facility or attending AA meetings or even seeing his doctor, those words mean nothing.

lizatola

As Lillamy said, talk is cheap. My AH got a DUI is past February and went through the typical remorse stage immediately following the arrest. A few months later he was drinking and hiding it, driving on his suspended license to go buy more beer, etc.

He was encouraged by his psychiatrist to go to AA and he just avoided anything that would hold him accountable. Basically, I've had to learn to watch what he does instead of listening to what he says. I'm sorry you're going through this, I know how miserable an experience it can be. Now's the time to focus on you and come up with some good boundaries.

dandylion

Dear caligirl, The thing about setting boundries or issuing ultimatums is that you have to be prepared to follow through---otherwise it sends the message that your words are meaningless.

Please learn all you can about the nature of this disease. This disease is not "logical" in the traditional sense.

At alanon you will find help for yourself in coping with this--from people who will understand as few others can.

Keep your faith....and come here to post as often as you need.

dandylion

caligirl71

Actually, he set the boundary for me. He said "If I ever drink again, please divorce me." I agreed. He is not willing to seek any outside help and is now unwilling to admit he is an alcoholic. Now he is saying he is a "problem drinker." Whatever...he still says he will never drink again, but not to label him an alcoholic! My heart hurts..

dollydo

"Actually, he set the boundary for me. He said "If I ever drink again, please divorce me." I agreed. He is not willing to seek any outside help and is now unwilling to admit he is an alcoholic. Now he is saying he is a "problem drinker." Whatever...he still says he will never drink again, but not to label him an alcoholic! My heart hurts.. "

This does not look good, he is in denial, he will not get into recovery=he will continue to drink.

It is you who needs to set the bounderies for you, not him, he doesn't mean it anyway, it's all part of his manipulation process. So, what are your bounderies?

Get yourself to Alanon meetings, read Codependent No More and all the stickeys on the top of all the Family & Frends Forum.

Justfor1

It may be his "rock bottom" or it may not be. He will have a lot of consequences with his DUI. A fine and possibly even a few hours of community service. His insurance may not even find out about it if he gets "supervision" or a "deferred sentence". It depends on the State and insurance company. I know someone with 7 DUI's who still drives without a license & hasn't hit his "rock bottom" yet. I know another person who had his first arrest being a dui and has been sober for several years.

redatlanta

I have known several alcoholics who have gotten DUI's and it was not rock bottom for any of them. Most are multiples now.

One guy has had 5 - YES 5!!! OMG. He still drinks - won't drive (as next one is habitual offender and serious time). But STILL DRINKING. I just don't get it.

Your husband's boundary is very manipulative to me seems to really be trying to diffuse the situation by controlling it all even telling YOU what to do if HE drinks.

If he starts getting angry with you "because you want to talk about it' and tells you you are overreacting or somehow its your fault (you let him drive right?) would be the classic next move.

Very sorry you are having to deal with this. Hope you go to al anon soon. I just started myself.

Pelican

he came home he was wasted

He called me names and drove away..

He spent the night in jail and came home the next day.

Could this be his "rock bottom"?

Cali, I want to know if this is YOUR rock bottom?

caligirl71

I wish it was..obviously not. I can't figure myself out. I always said a DUI would be my bottom. Now I'm thinking this will change him and make him see he needs to change. Even though I love him, if he starts to drink again I have to divorce him..it is so sad...

lizatola

I had thought the DUI would be my bottom, too, but it wasn't. Please don't count on this being what he needs to change. My AH is a binge drinker, he isn't a 'need to drink every day kind of guy', but he still couldn't quit drinking after the DUI. He has finally admitted to having a problem, said he would go to AA, went to one meeting, and that's it. I'm guessing he's still got another bottom to hit and I ask myself the same question: what's MY bottom? Please don't do what I'm doing. Be strong. Divorce doesn't always mean the end. If he finds true sobriety and seeks you out in a few years, maybe you could have a better and more healthy relationship in the future or maybe you'll have found someone new by then? Who knows? No one has a crystal ball to predict the future, but you can take steps today to protect yourself. Sending you lots of support today!

cli

Oh, Caligirl, I am so sorry. I've been in that spot, and it is tragic to love a self-destructive person so much. But if his destruction starts to become your destruction, then you'll have to make that painful decision. No one knows how far down "rock bottom" is, and you probably don't want to be there when it really does happen. Believe me, it can get a lot worse.

I know it's hard to step back and look at it coldly, but you now still have a chance to protect yourself from ruin. My newbie perception of boundaries is that they're not necessarily dramatic black-and-white ultimatums. Theoretically, as it stands now, he could have a single sip of beer and basically serve you divorce papers. But what is YOUR "rock bottom"? Would it be being lied to? Broken promises? Or taking on all the financial burden if he lost his job? What is it that you can't live with?

Keep in mind that my RAXBF eventually cost me my home, my life savings, and even my own job. And he might not even have hit his "rock bottom" yet! Even he admits that... Just a cautionary tale, to remind you to look out for yourself, no matter how much you love him. Sadly, addiction might be the one thing that love alone can't conquer.

TeM

I'm certainly no expert, and am still finding my own way, but I can reiterate what cli says. Above all, protect yourself as much as possible.

One thing seems apparent; Rock Bottom is a different place for everyone, and some don't seem to reach it until it's too late. I thought my AW would hit rock bottom when she got drunk and broke her ankle two years ago, requiring $30,000 worth of surgery. She stopped for a few months, but took up drinking again.

We ran up thousands in Credit Card debt, and I took responsibility for my part, thinking it was "our problem". I quit spending, but now she's maxed out another card all by herself, without my knowledge.

And still she drinks, even after tearful confessions and begging forgiveness. No DUI yet, but I think it's just a matter of time.

Take care of yourself, and good luck.

Titanic

Just more proof that the slippery slope exists. It happened to us too! It is what it is.

"What's MY bottom?" exactly.