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AH arrested and charged with DUI

Old 10-09-2012, 02:52 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Hi Caligirl, I'm so sorry you're going through this. When my own husband lost his license and was charged with DUI, it was not rock bottom for him. The embarrassment over not driving and his fear of losing his job only seemed to contribute to the drinking getting worse. He wanted to stop, tried to stop, went to AA daily, but he was very sick and couldn't stop drinking and things got worse. Way worse.

My only advice to you is to make sure you are making decisions you can live with, and that you are making them for you and not because you are hoping they will lead to a particular outcome on his part. Eventually, I gave my husband a date to move out by regardless of whether or not he was drinking still. I wanted space, time alone with my kid, peace, and freedom from the chaos. I figured that, if he did get sober, we would cross that bridge when we came to it and see where it led us. I never made any promises that sobriety would guarantee we stayed together because there's really no way to know that. He chose to enter rehab prior to the date I gave him.
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Old 10-09-2012, 04:57 PM
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Dear CaliGirl, have you ever heard of the saying "one day at a time"? It is an old AA saying, and it is what gets a person from one day to the next when it all seems too overwhelming and too confusing to bear.

You don't have to solve this in one day, and you certainly can't predict the exact future when it all hinges on someone else.

I think that the very most important decision you can make today is to get help and support for yourself. Go to an alanon meeting would be an excellent first step. Read all the "stickies" at the top of this main page. Come here and read---and keep posting. You will find that others have been in your shoes and understand everything you are going through. You don't have to go through this alone. I think that your being in therapy was an excellent decison on your part!

Keep your faith,

dandylion
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Old 10-09-2012, 06:25 PM
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Thank You everyone! You guys rock! It's nice to have people that have been thru similar experiences and understand what I am going thru. Most people in my life just don't get it! One day at a time is what I am trying to do..although that is very hard for me. I am a worrier by nature...tomorrow is my therapy appointment and I can't wait!
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Old 10-09-2012, 07:50 PM
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The appointment's tomorrow. Like they say in mob lore, "Don't worry 'bout it!" Do something today before it slips away.
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Old 10-09-2012, 08:41 PM
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Originally Posted by caligirl71 View Post
I wish it was..obviously not. I can't figure myself out. I always said a DUI would be my bottom. Now I'm thinking this will change him and make him see he needs to change. Even though I love him, if he starts to drink again I have to divorce him..it is so sad...
Cali,

Consider how you phrased each of the sentences in this post.

You have qualified your boundaries, minimized your thought processes and the value of your love in light of his actions and addiction. It almost sounds as though you think that "if only" you could figure yourself out, if only he didn't get a DUI, if only he would change, if only he will stay away from a drink... you could change all of this. You are strong, intelligent, loving and worthy. Unfortunately none of these qualities have any impact on his drinking.

None of those qualities in your husband will have any impact on his drinking either if he is an alcoholic who continues to drink, and clinging to the "if only" mirage will allow alcoholism to continue to rob you of the most precious thing any of us have: time to live, love and learn.

It is our miguided belief in the mirage that keeps us on the merry-go-round of addiction. When we truly understand and accept that we are powerless over the disease, and give up trying to manage it, then we can begin to respond differently and to heal.

Keep reading and posting, Cali. There are many amazing people with stories very similar to yours that now are living lives that previously were unimaginable. You can make your way through this, and recover the life that you deserve.

Good luck,
Eddie
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Old 10-10-2012, 02:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Eddiebuckle View Post
Cali,

Consider how you phrased each of the sentences in this post.

You have qualified your boundaries, minimized your thought processes and the value of your love in light of his actions and addiction. It almost sounds as though you think that "if only" you could figure yourself out, if only he didn't get a DUI, if only he would change, if only he will stay away from a drink... you could change all of this. You are strong, intelligent, loving and worthy. Unfortunately none of these qualities have any impact on his drinking.

None of those qualities in your husband will have any impact on his drinking either if he is an alcoholic who continues to drink, and clinging to the "if only" mirage will allow alcoholism to continue to rob you of the most precious thing any of us have: time to live, love and learn.

It is our miguided belief in the mirage that keeps us on the merry-go-round of addiction. When we truly understand and accept that we are powerless over the disease, and give up trying to manage it, then we can begin to respond differently and to heal.

Keep reading and posting, Cali. There are many amazing people with stories very similar to yours that now are living lives that previously were unimaginable. You can make your way through this, and recover the life that you deserve.

Good luck,
Eddie
Thank You Eddie...that is what I'm hoping for.
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Old 10-10-2012, 04:48 PM
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How did it go today caligirl71?
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Old 10-10-2012, 06:59 PM
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Today was good..thanks so much for asking!! It was a long day, but I got a lot off my chest with my therapist. AH is still sticking to his promise...one day at a time for me...thanks for thinking of me..
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Old 10-13-2012, 01:32 AM
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My AH is on 2nd dui. Lots of money wasted on lawyers, fines, classes, etc. Does he care? Hell no. Has no license, but that doesn't stop him from driving everyday and still drives when drinking. Just last weekend he came home from a friends and passed out in his truck. Came to, started his truck and drove into the garage. No damage, luc kily but he didn't even have an answer as to why. Once he gets so many drinks in him, its like he turns into god. He thinks he is the best thing ever and he is unstopable. He thinks he is a bad a** and just too cool. This comes out of his mouth. To me, it is sickening and pathetic. He will never change and he only drinks now 2 to 3 times a week. One drink is too many for me to deal with. Don't worry yourself with his problems. Concentrate on YOU and only YOU.
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Old 10-13-2012, 08:32 AM
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Originally Posted by myfreedom View Post
My AH is on 2nd dui. Lots of money wasted on lawyers, fines, classes, etc. Does he care? Hell no. Has no license, but that doesn't stop him from driving everyday and still drives when drinking. Just last weekend he came home from a friends and passed out in his truck. Came to, started his truck and drove into the garage. No damage, luc kily but he didn't even have an answer as to why. Once he gets so many drinks in him, its like he turns into god. He thinks he is the best thing ever and he is unstopable. He thinks he is a bad a** and just too cool. This comes out of his mouth. To me, it is sickening and pathetic. He will never change and he only drinks now 2 to 3 times a week. One drink is too many for me to deal with. Don't worry yourself with his problems. Concentrate on YOU and only YOU.
That is exactly what I"m afraid of. I always thought this would shape him up but I'm not sure. Why do you stay?
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Old 10-15-2012, 06:46 AM
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Originally Posted by TeM View Post
I'm certainly no expert, and am still finding my own way, but I can reiterate what cli says. Above all, protect yourself as much as possible.

One thing seems apparent; Rock Bottom is a different place for everyone, and some don't seem to reach it until it's too late. I thought my AW would hit rock bottom when she got drunk and broke her ankle two years ago, requiring $30,000 worth of surgery. She stopped for a few months, but took up drinking again.

We ran up thousands in Credit Card debt, and I took responsibility for my part, thinking it was "our problem". I quit spending, but now she's maxed out another card all by herself, without my knowledge.

And still she drinks, even after tearful confessions and begging forgiveness. No DUI yet, but I think it's just a matter of time.

Take care of yourself, and good luck.

30K just for an ankle?? Wow, she must have broken it in a very complex way. Lucky just an ankle, cause the skull can break quite easily also and that can spell disaster.

I am divorced from AW because I chose sanity over life in the mental ward.

Sorry about your wife.
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Old 10-15-2012, 06:48 AM
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Originally Posted by myfreedom View Post
My AH is on 2nd dui. Lots of money wasted on lawyers, fines, classes, etc. Does he care? Hell no. Has no license, but that doesn't stop him from driving everyday and still drives when drinking. Just last weekend he came home from a friends and passed out in his truck. Came to, started his truck and drove into the garage. No damage, luc kily but he didn't even have an answer as to why. Once he gets so many drinks in him, its like he turns into god. He thinks he is the best thing ever and he is unstopable. He thinks he is a bad a** and just too cool. This comes out of his mouth. To me, it is sickening and pathetic. He will never change and he only drinks now 2 to 3 times a week. One drink is too many for me to deal with. Don't worry yourself with his problems. Concentrate on YOU and only YOU.
You/ anyone in such a situation may want to run it by a lawyer because if the alcoholic significant other injures, maims or kills someone you could very well be liable financially. Could lose savings, property, etc etc.
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Old 10-15-2012, 06:56 AM
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My abf got a dui in the middle of the summer (geez May even?) and only now has he started doing anything about it. Even went to the hearing loaded (seriously).

Hope it works out differently in your case.
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Old 10-15-2012, 08:26 AM
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Should I believe him?
I wouldn't, but I had to learn the hard way. "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me"
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Old 10-15-2012, 12:43 PM
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Originally Posted by caligirl71 View Post
That is exactly what I"m afraid of. I always thought this would shape him up but I'm not sure. Why do you stay?
I wish I could give you an honest answer but I don't have one. I left last year then came back. I know nothing will change and I will probably never feel love for this man again. We have been thru way worse than that incident. A lot of it is fear. I have my roller coaster days every week. One day I can say "ok I am really gonna leave for good" and then two days later I feel I will stick it out alittle while longer. I hate feeling like that but it is the truth.
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Old 10-15-2012, 01:10 PM
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Originally Posted by myfreedom View Post
I wish I could give you an honest answer but I don't have one. I left last year then came back. I know nothing will change and I will probably never feel love for this man again. We have been thru way worse than that incident. A lot of it is fear. I have my roller coaster days every week. One day I can say "ok I am really gonna leave for good" and then two days later I feel I will stick it out alittle while longer. I hate feeling like that but it is the truth.
This is my truth, too. I stay because of fear. My AH's DUI should have been his bottom, but it wasn't. I think it was mine but I've still chose to do nothing about it as far as changing my living situation. I love certain things about my AH but so much trust has been shattered and the intimacy is gone that I'm not sure there's much hope for me to want to continue with him. Right now, I'm just praying for God to step in, in some way, and show me a new path. I feel like I'm stuck at that proverbial 'fork in the road'.
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Old 10-15-2012, 05:17 PM
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Originally Posted by myfreedom View Post
I wish I could give you an honest answer but I don't have one. I left last year then came back. I know nothing will change and I will probably never feel love for this man again. We have been thru way worse than that incident. A lot of it is fear. I have my roller coaster days every week. One day I can say "ok I am really gonna leave for good" and then two days later I feel I will stick it out alittle while longer. I hate feeling like that but it is the truth.
Thank you for your honest answer...I know exactly how you feel..
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Old 10-15-2012, 05:18 PM
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Stbxah's first dui was my bottom, after that is when i started making plans to move out. It wasn't so much his arrest, it was his reaction to the arrest, to my reaction to it, that bottomed me out.
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Old 10-15-2012, 05:19 PM
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Originally Posted by pixilation View Post
Stbxah's first dui was my bottom, after that is when i started making plans to move out. It wasn't so much his arrest, it was his reaction to the arrest, to my reaction to it, that bottomed me out.
What, may I ask, was his reaction to it?
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Old 10-15-2012, 05:49 PM
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Originally Posted by caligirl71 View Post
What, may I ask, was his reaction to it?
That is exactly what I was ready to ask but you beat me to it. I think I might already know the answer to that though.
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