rlt1975

I just found this site and wow I cant believe that I am not alone. I am engaged to what I thought was the answer to my prayers. You see I have 3 kids and work and go to school fulltime. I met my fiancee about 6 years ago and was insrtantly in love. Our relationship started out good. He has a great job, very handsome and has been good to my kids, my youngest 2 call him dad. He's always been a beer drinker which I didnt think too much about until the last couple of years. You see he stopped drinking when we got engaged and I thought oh thats great but I didnt think at the time he was an alcoholic I just thought he was a hard working man and he liked to enjoy a couple beers after work. So when he told me that he had quit drinking it was effortless for him he didnt seem to struggle or anything with it. I did start to notice that when he wasnt a "drinking man" he was different not that he was bad person before it just seemed like he was a different kind of man to me and the kids. He spent a lot of time with me and the kids and he and I got way closer than we were before, dont get me wrong our relationship was good before but it became spectacular without the beer. We went on dates, talked, did things as family etc. I love him with all my heart... About a year and a half into the no drinking he started up with the beer again and slowly I noticed that he is not the man he was before. During the time of no drinking his place of employment had to relocate him to MI in order for him to keep his job. Of course he took the transfer and then asked me to marry him and I said yes of course but he had to relocate without me and the kids. I was finishing up my school year and so were the kids so the plan was for us to come after school let out. Everything went fine during this time as he came home on the weekends but then right before me and kids were coming there thats when the beer started again. Like I said earlier I noticed that he was different when I would call him. All of the sudden he was tired slurring his words and just kinda mean. I sort of blamed myself and thought he was drinking because he was lonely for me and the kids so I left my life transferred schools lost a bunch of credits and set my degree back about a year. My job here gives me way less hours than when I was home and the cost of living is higher here than at home. Its been almost 3 years since weve been here and he drinks 12 beers a day probably if not more when he doesnt have to work. He is now mean starts fights with me almost all the time. We dont have a lovelife or the closeness that we did before. I told him recently that I thought he had a problem with the drinking and that conversation was a disaster. I tried to be supportive and let him know I would help and he could lean on me for whatever help he needed. He proceded to grab 2 miller lites and drink them at the same time and said " you want me to drink less well im gonna drink more just because you said I have a problem." I am miserable I am in a place that I dont like and have to rely on him financially and he gets meaner by the day I think. He never used to talk to me the way he does. He seems paranoid all the time and secretive with everything. I feel like he is driving me crazy and I dont know how to cope. I never should have left my apartment and home to come here with a man who has turned from my dream to my nightmare!! I am lost and feel as if I am sinking lower everyday. Hopefully I can find the strength to do what is best but I dont know if I can. I just wish he would go back to the man he was before the non alcoholic!!! Thanks for letting me vent..

Seren

Hello rlt, welcome to SR!

I'm so sorry to hear that you are experiencing such mental and verbal abuse at the hands of someone who is supposed to love you. Please know that you do not deserve any of this.

We all wish we had the people back that we knew before alcohol. The sad thing is that love is not enough to cure them. If it were, none of us would be here. We just are not that powerful.

One reading that really helped me when I first arrived at SR is this:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Please make yourself at home here. Read and ask questions and vent whenever you need. You are among people who understand what you are going through.

HG

Hopeworks

rit1975,

So sorry you are going through this. Alcoholism is progressive so it won't get any better unless he chooses to enter authentic recovery and he sounds like that is not on his radar.

Do you have family or someone who could help you and the kids get your old life back? It is not good at all for your children to be experiencing this and could have long lasting psychological effects on them.

Alanon, counseling if possible, this website, read all you can on alcoholism and codependency and take care of you. These things will help you so very much.

Post as often as you like... we care.

Titanic

So sorry this disease has uprooted your life and that of your kids.

Al-Anon can make a huge difference for all of you.

Peace.

Learn2Live

I am so sorry.

I have many times wished they would go back to who they were in the beginning. I have so many times wished sobriety for the people I love. But I've learned for myself that they never turn back into who they were before. And I've learned that it's damn near impossible to convince an alcoholic that they are an alcoholic, or that they need to seek help with their problem.

If I were in your situation, I would cut my losses and go back home. He's not going to change and you and the kids living with a nasty drunk is sincerely BAD for you, especially the children. Drunks should not be allowed near children, ever.

Tuffgirl

Welcome to SR, rlt1975. The paranoia and secrets are normal behavior for alcoholics. I remember once my X told me he could hear my Mom, sister, and me "talking about him" upstairs (and around a corner) while we were helping my daughter get ready for her first prom. He was downstairs with the door shut, playing video games and drinking. When everyone left, he was mad at me and trying to pick a fight over it. You are not crazy; he is right now.

I came here feeling all twisted up...I had been told I was the problem for several years. Like you, I moved in with this man with my two kids in tow, based on the promise of a continued wonderful relationship and marriage. When I finally left one night, with some suitcases, the kids, and our two dogs, I truly left to save my sanity. I couldn't take the craziness anymore. It was too toxic.

I highly recommend Al-Anon for face-to-face support from others who have been right where you are. And keep reading here and keep coming back. Educate yourself about alcoholism. The more you understand what you are up against, the easier it is to make those tough decisions down the road.

Take good care,
~T

rlt1975

Thank you to everyone's responses. Its been a rough couple of years and I wish that the love I feel for him would go away or lessen so that I could break away. I just feel like to a point if I leave him then he will only spiral down further but if I stay I will lose my mind. I have never felt so helpless, torn, and hurt all at the same time. We have talked a little about me and kids going back home and living and doing the long distance thing. I think that is what is needed so I can live again and wont be walking on eggshells all the time. I hope he can one day wake up and see he has a problem and get help. I think this site will be good for me. Its been nice seeing that I am not alone in my hurt, pain, and anger! I have been feeling so isolated. I dont talk to my friends or anyone about his drinking so this has helped me feel a little better.
Thanks so much to you all. You all seem so strong maybe I will get there too someday!

Titanic

You will ... and then some!!

Give time time.

ForeverOptimist

I agree, give it some time. And allow yourself to open up to others -- even if it just here. I think the worst thing about living with an A is how isolating it can be. I attempted to hide our dirty secret for years. But little by little I opened up to a few trusted friends and have been amazed by the reaction and understanding. Mostly amazed that so many people have addiction in their families. Those that are not in denial (and many are) can be sympathetic and comforting. I was afraid to tell my Dad for years about my AH for fear he would judge us. When I finally told him a few weeks ago, he opened up about my grandfather's drinking when he was a child and how that affected him. I never knew! It's so strange to me that a struggle in my life has actually brought me closer to my father. I hope that you will find the same type of connection with others that will make you feel less alone -- whether it is here, at an Alanon meeting or through sharing with those closest to you. Best to you.

Learn2Live

The pain of loss we feel when we lose someone like this is so horrible. I used to hold on for dear life and do everything I could to help the person I loved and cared about, and missed. I just wanted him back. But we say a lot here: Let go or be dragged. I've been dragged so many miles over very rocky terrain, suffered a lot and nearly died from my refusal to let go. Now I know to let go as soon as I get burned. I hope you are able to get back home. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Titanic

"Light shines into an open wound" (paraphrasing Rumi). Our struggles, trials and tribulations often bring us the greatest gifts and lessons. Sometimes our challenges and obstacles are the only way we build muscle, resilience, skils, solutions or a radical new way of thinking.