trobinsonsnell

Hello,
I been reading for a while now and finally decided to post. My husband is an alcoholic closet Crack Addict. His behavior has always been erratic and he would never admit to anything in the beginning. He would just disappear or stay gone for a night or two. This has been going on for almost seventeen years now. After many crazy situations, I asked him to leave but never had the strength to just kick him out. He would never leave. He always insisted he wanted his family and loves me. I felt like we might possibly have a chance. I decided to put down some boundaries because I was tired of feeling like a single woman that is married. He was unpredictable. He worked but would decide the weekends were his free time. I took the house keys and told him if he stayed out he couldn't come back. In my mind, I know the real problem but since he kept denying, I figured he could change his behavior and make it home. Lord forbid if I let him use the car, I would never see him again unless I track him down. After I took the keys, he would come kicking on the door. I wouldn't let him in. September 21- He went to a friends house and was supposed to come home. He never showed up. Friday-September 22- he called me sounding completely wasted asking me if I was out to eat with another guy. He told me to call the number he was calling from when I finished eating so I could come pick him up. I called the number back and he was gone. Haven't seen or heard from him since. It is now October 7. He even missed our baby's birthday September 25. I guess in my mind he would love us enough to make some changes. Many nights I lay in bed debating about going looking for him but then what? If I bring him home ..I deal with the same misery. I feel miserable either way right now. He has never called for clothes or anything and its been over two weeks. I don't know the addict life but it just seems like at some point they stop for a moment to think of their loved ones. Very hurt right now..guess all the times I told him he couldnt come back, I never thought it would really happen. Coming to terms with all of this is killing me.

Lynnrae2

Our stories are not quite the same, but I know the pain you feel. You have done the right thing. He has to help himself. Hopefully you kicking him out will make him hit bottom. Just find the the strength not to give in. You set the boundaries. Now stick to them.

Focus on you and you children.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. I'm sorry for the drama you have been enduring, and hope that you find peace in accepting you are doing what is best for Yourself at this time.

You know the 3 C's of addiction? They are:

You did not Cause it
You can not Control it
You will not Cure it

He may say you caused him to leave, but his using is the reason he HAD to leave. In the past, everytime he used ~ he came home and that sent the message to his addicted braing: "I will always be welcomed home no matter how rotten my behaviors"

You set a healthy boundary of not wanted his addict drama in your home, and (painfully) he has seen you are serious about enforcing that boundary.

The hard part for you now is standing your ground. Our addicted loved ones know how to tell us the words we want to hear to feed our fantasy of hoping this time will be different, right?!

To help me during this time, I made a list of what it was like living with my addicted husband. I made a small version of the list and carried it in my wallet. I looked at that list when I started to have self doubts.

My list looked like:

_______'s Love Comes With:
financial disasters
emotional problems
health problems
lies
manipulation
minimizing
denial

That list help me keep my head out of fantasy thinking and keep my head in reality.

He was showing me who he is willing to be at the present time, I just needed to believe him.

trobinsonsnell

Thanks so Much for your responses. I know you are correct. Try have to talk myself off the ledge at times to stop from locating him. I feel like I have loved this man forever. It's going to be hard to move on but I know I am helpless over this and deserve better. I replay the techniques in my mind everytime I think about it. I guess it will get easier.

Confetti

Trobin,

My STBXAH comes with other addiction issues too. Although he has never disappeared for weeks without me knowing his location, he has disappeared. He once said that he was going for cigarettes and didn't come back for three days. I have tracked him down....in towns hours away. He would reek like booze and tell me that he needed space, that I had created this problem, that he wasn't doing anything wrong. For so long, I believed it.
Remember the three c's. Don't bother tracking him down. He doesn't want to be found and you will be wasting your valuable time.
Mine missed all three of our children's birthdays last year. Every one. He couldn't even tell you what "we" bought them for gifts. Because the truth is he doesn't care. He cares about his next drink, next fix, and that is about it. We always want to think that something will be important enough to them to make them realize, but they have to be important enough to themselves, for them to seek help.
I know that you are going through an emotional hell right now. Stay strong. There are plenty of us here for support.

trobinsonsnell

Confetti,
Thanks so much for that. I guess I know in my mind he either is staying with another woman or another like minded individual. It hurts because I don't think we would be dealing with this if it weren't for this addiction. He is very manipulative..blames me for everything as well. The sad part is people really believe it and I often find myself on the defense for things that never should be happening. Oh well, what can I do about it? So I might as well learn to get over it.

Hopeworks

Trobinsnell,

What you are discovering is that the life you have been living with him has in many ways become as distorted as a "crazy mirror" in a fun house and it is often by design we are "gaslighted" into believing we are the problem, we are the issue and deserve the "blame" for the relationship failures.

All relationships are two way streets but in addiction you have to throw out "normal" and our own barometer for normal is out of whack. We have spent years deceiving the world and ourselves that our A is a good person and that our marriages are good and when we finally hit the wall and things completely fall apart our world is shaken to the core.

When this is happening is when you most need alanon meetings, this website, counseling, reading books about alcoholism and codependency so you can get your compass for "normal" back on track and see through a "new pair of glasses" without the insanity of alcoholism/addiction distorting our perceptions.

What you need to determine if the current lifestyle of his drinking/drugging/disappearing is acceptable to you or not.

Unacceptable behavior is unnaceptable. Period.

You set a boundary. He knows how you feel about his disappearing and alcohol usage and he is gone. He has shown who he is.

My A showed me who he was. I FINALLY believed him. I accepted that he was not going to stop drinking. He might stop for a few weeks or even months but he always was going to eventually pick up a drink!

He disappeared and I packed his things and put them in storage. That was back in February of this year. He is sober today 2500 miles from me and I am happy for him but it will be temporary. In the past 7 months he has been sober for 3 months of that time.

I still count! But I am no longer emeshed. I no longer have fear and anxiety and now have a happy full life and true joy. I still pray for him but his recovery is his responsibility and my hovering, helicoptering, helping, putting out fires only crippled his recovery if it were even on the radar!

So...my ESH and is do not focus on him. He will most likely drink... statistically and historically. If he does recover it will be because you are not a comfy nesting place that he can land in. If he finds another comfy landing spot then so be it.

That will be your answer as to what HE WANTS!

What do you want???? Do you want more out of life? Do you want normal if you can figure out what that feels like after 17 years of living insanity every day?

Do not feel pressure from us and time is your friend. It took me 4 years to get where I am at today. Our own recovery is one day at a time and it happens in our own hearts, minds and spirits.

YOu are wounded and hurt right now. One day at a time. Know we care here on SR and know how you are feeling. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

You can make it out into a bright, happy and fulfilling life... one day at a time!

trobinsonsnell

Thanks for your support. Just hearing the words from people who can relate truly helps. I get up at night and read this website so that I can get rid of crazy thoughts and get sleep. I truly appreciate your help!

Tuffgirl

I've spent many a sleepless night reading here - in all the forums. I agree, it really does help!

Keep coming back,
~T

Learn2Live

to SR

I have many years experience living with and trying to be in a relationship with alcoholic crack addicts. Worst years of my life. I believe I have PTSD from the first time I tried this. I have one bit of advice for you; do NOT have unprotected sex with him. Ever. I don't mean to hurt you but I dodged a serious bullet with this. Sex with multiple partners comes with crack territory. You cannot trust them.

Your A spouse will be back, I can almost guarantee it. He's on a bender and living with someone else right now but he'll be back. I put up with this for quite a while until I was able to get my bearings. Once I did, I made a decision that this was not the life I wanted and accepted that he was a crack addict all this time, even if he wanted to get clean there were no guarantees he would stay clean. Even the first crack addict I was with cheated on me after 5 years completely clean and sober. It's the way they think.

I kicked him to the curb and went on with my peaceful life. He kept up with the drug addict alcoholic life, had a heart attack, survived, but is aging quickly.

I got myself in another relationship with an alcoholic addict who also turned out to be a narcissist, and am now recovering from that nightmare. You'd think I'd learn to stop picking people with addictions and personality disorders but with my track record I'm not sure this will ever be possible. Staying single for a while.

You can do MUCH better than a crack addict for a spouse. As you well know, it is not good for your child to be intimately close to a crack addict. In fact, it's dangerous. I hope you find the strength and resolve to do what is best for you and your child. Life is much too short to live the way I know you are living.

WishingWell

I'm so sorry that you are all going through this. Hell for you, hell for him - just plain slice of torture.

Try to get yourself some support. If you can afford a therapist, I would find a great one, and run to an appointment. If you can't, at least go run to an Alanon meeting. They are free and you will no longer feel so alone. Just the brochures that you can get there and information is well worth going.

You are not alone. Millions of people are where you are and suffering heartache. Stay strong and please go take care of you. This stress is not healthy on your body.

BIG HUGS!

Titanic

We are here for you, ANYTIME you need to vent, cry or question ...

Like Hopeworks and WishingWell said and I paraphrase: Throw out any notion of "normal" in relationships with an A. Untreated, it's a big ol' slice of pickled torture. These relationships can survive but only with the A's resolute decision to quit living like this, and a whole lotta of AA (or other good program for the A), Al-Anon, books, CoDA, counseling, self-care, SR and therapy. And if it won't survive, you'll need all that anyway!

Peace be with you.

trobinsonsnell

Thank you all for your posts. They are very insightful. I just could kick myself. My mother - who is a former addict- told me many years ago to run from this guy. I was in love- too blind to see. Thought that love would and could conquer all. She told me he brought crack to her house when he came over and they got high. I didn't believe her. Just thought she didn't like him. I asked him - (like he would tell me the truth) he told me no. He continued to lie about his addiction for years, married me, had children with me but never disclosed this small little detail. It has caused me soooo much pain and although I know the problem, he still will not admit it. Always insisting he is clean from crack at least but says he is going to drink until he dies because his mother drank until she died. I guess I knew but wanted to deny the obvious because I wanted some other explanation for his behavior? I couldn't believe that I got caught up in this so I wanted to make it something else. I have given everything- my young years, my life, I had children. I feel so robbed because he lied all along. Many people told me I was undeserving of this man but I just couldn't see it. Everytime I think of it, it just makes me ill. I would have never got involved with this. Being the child of addicts, I always wanted to get away - escape addiction because I hated what it did to my parents. Now look at me..

dollydo

"but I just couldn't see it. Everytime I think of it, it just makes me ill. I would have never got involved with this. Being the child of addicts, I always wanted to get away - escape addiction because I hated what it did to my parents. Now look at me."

Unfortunately, we children of addicts have a 50% chance of either becoming addicts ourselves or marrying one. We live what we learned.

You have a chiild,this child deserves one responsibile parent, and that's not him. Active users and those new to recovery make lousy parents. A child should never be raised in a home where addiction is present. At this point in his life, he is neither relationship or parent material and may never be.

Now you know the truth, do what is best for your child.