Anger & "anger" - There's a difference, no?
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Anger & "anger" - There's a difference, no?
There's the anger you feel when someone does one mean and hurtful thing to you publicly or privately.
There's also a boiling, brooding, seething and stewing anger that comes from eons of taking things, of holding the feeling in, of venting it at times without satisfaction, of being trapped or in captivity, of seeing no justice or fairness come about. The anger that can explode at the slipping of a glass off a table. The anger held by a dam.
Is it anger all the same? Is it to be dealt with all the same?
There's also a boiling, brooding, seething and stewing anger that comes from eons of taking things, of holding the feeling in, of venting it at times without satisfaction, of being trapped or in captivity, of seeing no justice or fairness come about. The anger that can explode at the slipping of a glass off a table. The anger held by a dam.
Is it anger all the same? Is it to be dealt with all the same?
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Im just curious...I see alot of your post on other threads
But I havent see nothing that really applies to if:
Are your married/dating an A
Do you go to Alanon?
You write alot of suggestion's and have some good idea's and share some
good facts, but .....just curious...What's your story?
I hope you take this question with all "sweetness" and not offended
But I havent see nothing that really applies to if:
Are your married/dating an A
Do you go to Alanon?
You write alot of suggestion's and have some good idea's and share some
good facts, but .....just curious...What's your story?
I hope you take this question with all "sweetness" and not offended
Iceberg Ahead!
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Married to an A but apart. Gone to tons of Al-Anon meetings, and am still active. Sponsor guys. Working my program.
This thread idea came to me from me seeing two other posts today about anger on SR.
This thread idea came to me from me seeing two other posts today about anger on SR.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear titanic, I could actually "feel" the anger that you describe in my gut. So familiar that I have a visceral reaction. I'll bet that these feelings are coming from your reaction to situations or events with your spouse. (just spitballing).
I'll also bet that these feelings paralell buried feelings left over from your youth when you were treated unfairly or cruelly by someone who you depended on to nurture you. With no way to express these feelings and to be soothed, the child feels trapped, captive, and sees no options out of the suffering. From this is born various defense mechanisms that are carried over into adult life. But, similar circumstances can trigger the remnants of these long ago "buried" feelings. Much of therapy is based around dealing with just this. If you have never done this kind of work--it can be scary, at first. But it can literally free your soul.
Not all angers are from the same origin (in my opinion), and have to be dealt with in ways that are appropriate to the situation---or ways that are best for you.
The second type that you speak of, I believe, can only come from those who were/are the very closest to us.
Forgive me, titanic, for writing a novel---I didn't see another way!
I hope this helps some.
Dandylion
P.S. I have another thought that I think is very important. I believe that boys have it worse than girls, even, in this department. The culture "trains" from a very young age---not to show emotions and not to cry. I think it is cruel to deny a human the natural ability to express emotion. It is like having to deny an aspect of ourselves.
I'll also bet that these feelings paralell buried feelings left over from your youth when you were treated unfairly or cruelly by someone who you depended on to nurture you. With no way to express these feelings and to be soothed, the child feels trapped, captive, and sees no options out of the suffering. From this is born various defense mechanisms that are carried over into adult life. But, similar circumstances can trigger the remnants of these long ago "buried" feelings. Much of therapy is based around dealing with just this. If you have never done this kind of work--it can be scary, at first. But it can literally free your soul.
Not all angers are from the same origin (in my opinion), and have to be dealt with in ways that are appropriate to the situation---or ways that are best for you.
The second type that you speak of, I believe, can only come from those who were/are the very closest to us.
Forgive me, titanic, for writing a novel---I didn't see another way!
I hope this helps some.
Dandylion
P.S. I have another thought that I think is very important. I believe that boys have it worse than girls, even, in this department. The culture "trains" from a very young age---not to show emotions and not to cry. I think it is cruel to deny a human the natural ability to express emotion. It is like having to deny an aspect of ourselves.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Ugh... I don't know. Anger is something I've been thinking about a lot lately because I've had so much of it the last few months.
Some people think passive-aggressive behavior is a form of anger, it can range from minor irritations to full blown screaming fits.
I rarely feel the explosive rage some people seem to have but I have a tendency to get so angry that I don't know what to do with it. Since I'm not a violent person, I keep it all inside and then feel tense and then become angry at myself and depressed.
Sometimes anger can be treated through relaxation techniques once you have it, but then there are always things you can try to keep it happening in the first place. I recommend meditation to help deal with it.
I was quite annoyed with axbf a lot, he told me I had a lot of resentments but I was getting very prickly about being lied to and having all of my boundaries violated. And I know after we broke up, I have been feeling hostile to the point of being obsessed, at some of the things he said and did to me. My therapist the other day said I am tormented so I have to just stop being angry for my own sanity.
I don't normally think of myself as an angry person, but I'm surprised at how tenacious it can be once it does start happening.
Some people think passive-aggressive behavior is a form of anger, it can range from minor irritations to full blown screaming fits.
I rarely feel the explosive rage some people seem to have but I have a tendency to get so angry that I don't know what to do with it. Since I'm not a violent person, I keep it all inside and then feel tense and then become angry at myself and depressed.
Sometimes anger can be treated through relaxation techniques once you have it, but then there are always things you can try to keep it happening in the first place. I recommend meditation to help deal with it.
I was quite annoyed with axbf a lot, he told me I had a lot of resentments but I was getting very prickly about being lied to and having all of my boundaries violated. And I know after we broke up, I have been feeling hostile to the point of being obsessed, at some of the things he said and did to me. My therapist the other day said I am tormented so I have to just stop being angry for my own sanity.
I don't normally think of myself as an angry person, but I'm surprised at how tenacious it can be once it does start happening.
Iceberg Ahead!
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@dandylion: Thanks so much! Great post. Perhaps PTSD type stuff can do that too.
@ZiggyB: Yes. Yes indeed. Pretty much all of it.
@Earthworm: I agree that for some it can go that far!
@ZiggyB: Yes. Yes indeed. Pretty much all of it.
@Earthworm: I agree that for some it can go that far!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Columbus, Oh
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Dandylion. Your post made me cry. What you said about someone you depended on to nurture you cut right through and 'connected' my issues. I had been in deep denial about the emotional neglect I felt as a child from my single mother. My husbands treatment of me shook me out of that denial. I finally felt that anger + pain + frustration + utter despair all over again. Thank you for the validation!
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The anger itself isn't the real problem. It is what you do with all that anger.
Anger gives you energy. Left unbridled, it can be very destructive. Holding on to it, keeping it inside, it will destroy you from the inside out. This is that boiling, brooding, seething and stewing anger you mention. Lashing out without consideration or purpose, it will destroy everything around you. That's often the instant reaction type of anger.
But if you can learn to harness and constructively use that energy which comes with anger, then great and wonderful things can be accomplished.
Anger gives you energy. Left unbridled, it can be very destructive. Holding on to it, keeping it inside, it will destroy you from the inside out. This is that boiling, brooding, seething and stewing anger you mention. Lashing out without consideration or purpose, it will destroy everything around you. That's often the instant reaction type of anger.
But if you can learn to harness and constructively use that energy which comes with anger, then great and wonderful things can be accomplished.
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Anger was something that as a kid I was not allowed to feel.
As an adult when I felt anger over something I just stuffed it/compartmentalized it away just like I had done as a kid.
I had this big fermenting pot of anger inside that recovery from a loved ones alcoholism (and recovery for me from an eating disorder) helped me to slowly deal with.
Because I had stuffed this feeling for so long it was bigger, more potent and more overwhelming to deal with then if I had done it in small doses (like I had experienced it). I always think of a pressure cooker when I think of anger and that I did not have a safety valve for a long time.
Once I learned that anger was just an emotion and it was what I did or did not do with it that mattered it was very helpful to me. It got me moving, cleaning, setting boundaries and FINALLY taking care of myself.
Therapy probably helped me the most with the anger. I did talk about it quite a bit in Al-Anon too, but therapy was a big place.
As an adult when I felt anger over something I just stuffed it/compartmentalized it away just like I had done as a kid.
I had this big fermenting pot of anger inside that recovery from a loved ones alcoholism (and recovery for me from an eating disorder) helped me to slowly deal with.
Because I had stuffed this feeling for so long it was bigger, more potent and more overwhelming to deal with then if I had done it in small doses (like I had experienced it). I always think of a pressure cooker when I think of anger and that I did not have a safety valve for a long time.
Once I learned that anger was just an emotion and it was what I did or did not do with it that mattered it was very helpful to me. It got me moving, cleaning, setting boundaries and FINALLY taking care of myself.
Therapy probably helped me the most with the anger. I did talk about it quite a bit in Al-Anon too, but therapy was a big place.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: philadelphia
Posts: 54
i had so much anger in me my bp was over the roof, what worked for me is letting go of my ego and letting my spiritual side out- there are two people living in us the ego which is the negative thoughts, rambling nonsense ,the hurt, me wanting to hurt others ect... its a horrific way to live, the spiritual side is sooo much easier - remember anger only hurts you-let it go
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Originally Posted by Hypatia 
The anger itself isn't the real problem. It is what you do with all that anger.
Anger gives you energy. Left unbridled, it can be very destructive. Holding on to it, keeping it inside, it will destroy you from the inside out. This is that boiling, brooding, seething and stewing anger you mention. Lashing out without consideration or purpose, it will destroy everything around you. That's often the instant reaction type of anger.
But if you can learn to harness and constructively use that energy which comes with anger, then great and wonderful things can be accomplished.
Anger gives you energy. Left unbridled, it can be very destructive. Holding on to it, keeping it inside, it will destroy you from the inside out. This is that boiling, brooding, seething and stewing anger you mention. Lashing out without consideration or purpose, it will destroy everything around you. That's often the instant reaction type of anger.
But if you can learn to harness and constructively use that energy which comes with anger, then great and wonderful things can be accomplished.
I really do have to learn to just let go. Me blowing up when I'm angry and hurt does no good for AH or, more importantly, for me. I'm going to do my best to go through the rest of the day channeling this heart pounding energy into somewhat positive things - dog walking, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
"Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."
There is healthy anger, when it is expressed in the form of communication and then releasing it and moving on to forgiveness and acceptance.
Hanging onto anger is so dangerous for our bodies. It doesn't hurt the other person, we're not punishing them - instead we're slowly killing ourselves. It's not worth it. Do some visualization work. Sometimes when I've been really angry I'll write out the anger on a piece of paper then go out into the yard with an ashtray and light the paper on fire. I watch it burn up and then just let the ashes blow up and away into the sky. Release it, holding onto to anger will guarantee our own illness.
Life is too short to allow other people to dictate how I'm going to feel. They are flawed, we are flawed - let it go. On our deathbeds are we going to wish we'd stayed angry longer? OR will we wish we had enjoyed our life more, learned to forgive and lived fully?
I know what I'll wish . . . so I start now.
The other amazing tool, is to do "The Work" with Byron Katie. A true life changer. Amazing results and so simple. Her method of simply questioning my own thoughts has changed my life dramatically. The Work of Byron Katie :: Homepage
And it's all for free -
There is healthy anger, when it is expressed in the form of communication and then releasing it and moving on to forgiveness and acceptance.
Hanging onto anger is so dangerous for our bodies. It doesn't hurt the other person, we're not punishing them - instead we're slowly killing ourselves. It's not worth it. Do some visualization work. Sometimes when I've been really angry I'll write out the anger on a piece of paper then go out into the yard with an ashtray and light the paper on fire. I watch it burn up and then just let the ashes blow up and away into the sky. Release it, holding onto to anger will guarantee our own illness.
Life is too short to allow other people to dictate how I'm going to feel. They are flawed, we are flawed - let it go. On our deathbeds are we going to wish we'd stayed angry longer? OR will we wish we had enjoyed our life more, learned to forgive and lived fully?
I know what I'll wish . . . so I start now.
The other amazing tool, is to do "The Work" with Byron Katie. A true life changer. Amazing results and so simple. Her method of simply questioning my own thoughts has changed my life dramatically. The Work of Byron Katie :: Homepage
And it's all for free -
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