Twisted..............
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Twisted..............
You know I've been coming on here and reading about Alcoholism and Alcoholics and I am one, and also reading about ACOA issues as I'm one of those too.
It has come very clear to me my patterns dealing with relationships no matter what kind.
Because I have such an intense fear of speaking up for myself due to ACOA Trauma I run away from relationships. I hold in my feelings and begin to become totally reactive and destructive towards myself.
For example this past week, I was talking to my A.A sponsor about something which I asked I thought pretty clearly, not to say anything about it until I got back to her and she went and told someone else BEFORE I got back to her. Now I want to tell her that I'm not happy about that and I no longer want her for my sponsor but I have such an overriding fear of doing that.
Secondly, I'm so angry at the S.O but I have such an overriding fear of telling him that I just want to end the relationship because I figure if I tell him how I honestly feel the relationship will be over anyways so I may as well end it.
And here I am today after he didn't call me back last night when I wanted to talk to him about a couple of things feeling like I should be calling him, just generally feeling bad. And why???????????? Makes no sense, either participate in the relationship or not, a 10 minute phone call would have sufficed. But here I am afraid he'll reject ME when really I should tell him to stuff it.
Pretty twisted.
By the way does anyone have any suggestions for books on ACOA??
Thanx
It has come very clear to me my patterns dealing with relationships no matter what kind.
Because I have such an intense fear of speaking up for myself due to ACOA Trauma I run away from relationships. I hold in my feelings and begin to become totally reactive and destructive towards myself.
For example this past week, I was talking to my A.A sponsor about something which I asked I thought pretty clearly, not to say anything about it until I got back to her and she went and told someone else BEFORE I got back to her. Now I want to tell her that I'm not happy about that and I no longer want her for my sponsor but I have such an overriding fear of doing that.
Secondly, I'm so angry at the S.O but I have such an overriding fear of telling him that I just want to end the relationship because I figure if I tell him how I honestly feel the relationship will be over anyways so I may as well end it.
And here I am today after he didn't call me back last night when I wanted to talk to him about a couple of things feeling like I should be calling him, just generally feeling bad. And why???????????? Makes no sense, either participate in the relationship or not, a 10 minute phone call would have sufficed. But here I am afraid he'll reject ME when really I should tell him to stuff it.
Pretty twisted.
By the way does anyone have any suggestions for books on ACOA??
Thanx
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I'll look her up, thanx.
This is the kicker, I've been trying to figure out why I've been so upset about the S.O leaving this fall and not as upset last fall. And I think it's this: because the last few months I've started going into the ACOA stuff so it's been bringing up a lot of stuff and I think the overall upset I'm feeling is I feel abandoned.
Now logically he hasn't abandoned, he's just gone back to work for longer periods but his leaving has really triggered it all up.
This is the kicker, I've been trying to figure out why I've been so upset about the S.O leaving this fall and not as upset last fall. And I think it's this: because the last few months I've started going into the ACOA stuff so it's been bringing up a lot of stuff and I think the overall upset I'm feeling is I feel abandoned.
Now logically he hasn't abandoned, he's just gone back to work for longer periods but his leaving has really triggered it all up.
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Originally Posted by Earthworm 
I'll look her up, thanx.
This is the kicker, I've been trying to figure out why I've been so upset about the S.O leaving this fall and not as upset last fall. And I think it's this: because the last few months I've started going into the ACOA stuff so it's been bringing up a lot of stuff and I think the overall upset I'm feeling is I feel abandoned.
Now logically he hasn't abandoned, he's just gone back to work for longer periods but his leaving has really triggered it all up.
This is the kicker, I've been trying to figure out why I've been so upset about the S.O leaving this fall and not as upset last fall. And I think it's this: because the last few months I've started going into the ACOA stuff so it's been bringing up a lot of stuff and I think the overall upset I'm feeling is I feel abandoned.
Now logically he hasn't abandoned, he's just gone back to work for longer periods but his leaving has really triggered it all up.
For me my recovery from having an active alcohol partner has touched on my life when I was a child, kid and helped me to look at what I consider "normal."
The issue was different for me, mainly how outwardly focused I am to the point of not having a "self." This pattern was in place early in life for me and was part of the reason I got into a relationship with someone with problem drinking.
Though painful this process for has had to happen for me to have my life that I can call my own. It really did crack me open and make me look at old stuff, which is hard but you have to clean out the wound to have it heal.
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Thanx LifeRecovery
I find your sharing very helpful. I am also very outwardly focussed. This was ingrained in me at a very early age. It's just now that I'm starting to find a voice in ANY relationship I have. When we were kids if we voiced anything that a parent found distasteful we were physically and or emotionally abused. Part of the emotional abuse was physical or emotional abandonment. So you get pretty afraid to speak up.
I find your sharing very helpful. I am also very outwardly focussed. This was ingrained in me at a very early age. It's just now that I'm starting to find a voice in ANY relationship I have. When we were kids if we voiced anything that a parent found distasteful we were physically and or emotionally abused. Part of the emotional abuse was physical or emotional abandonment. So you get pretty afraid to speak up.
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Hope for Today is the Al-Anon daily devotional specifically geared to adult children of alcoholics. It's excellent.
When you said, ACOA above it threw me off into thinking you we're asking for that orgsnization's material, as opposed to Al-Anon or other material! My bad.
From Survival to Recovery is very good, as LifeRecovery mentioned.
When you said, ACOA above it threw me off into thinking you we're asking for that orgsnization's material, as opposed to Al-Anon or other material! My bad.
From Survival to Recovery is very good, as LifeRecovery mentioned.
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Hi Titanic,
Yes I have Hope For Today and it is very good.
Thanx
Yes I have Hope For Today and it is very good.
Thanx
Originally Posted by Titanic
Hope for Today is the Al-Anon daily devotional specifically geared to adult children of alcoholics. It's excellent.
When you said, ACOA above it threw me off into thinking you we're asking for that orgsnization's material, as opposed to Al-Anon or other material! My bad.
From Survival to Recovery is very good, as LifeRecovery mentioned.
When you said, ACOA above it threw me off into thinking you we're asking for that orgsnization's material, as opposed to Al-Anon or other material! My bad.
From Survival to Recovery is very good, as LifeRecovery mentioned.
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Originally Posted by Earthworm
Because I have such an intense fear of speaking up for myself due to ACOA Trauma I run away from relationships.
Originally Posted by Earthworm
And I think it's this: because the last few months I've started going into the ACOA stuff so it's been bringing up a lot of stuff and I think the overall upset I'm feeling is I feel abandoned.
Originally Posted by Earthworm
When we were kids if we voiced anything that a parent found distasteful we were physically and or emotionally abused. Part of the emotional abuse was physical or emotional abandonment.
Once you spot the pattern, it is easier to break and learn new coping skills.
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Yes and that's why I've been thinking about for the last 30 minutes, I'm FEELING abandoned right now so I want to ABANDON. So before I make any RASH,EMOTIONAL decisions based on PAST, I need to take my time and work through these mixed up feelings I'm having until they come into focus and I can see them clearly for what they are.
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One of the hardest things for a person to learn is basic communication. The same words, phrases and sentences mean totally different things to different people.
Let's take the simle three words "I love you".
It can be a simple declaration of an emotional attachment.
It can mean "I want sex."
It can mean "You owe me, and should do what I want."
It can mean "I own you."
How the message is perceived has a lot to do with the person's own upbringing and background along with life experiences. And so the message being given can be totally misunderstood, as can the response.
We give words and actions our own personal meanings which are sometimes very different from the original intention. Often that is what leads us to having such mixed up feelings.
Sometimes we're right in making a connection and thinking of science and the theory of gravity when we see an apple. But sometimes it is just a simple apple with no connotations or deeper meanings.
I have never been a very good mind reader, so I've learned to stop trying to interpret and put my own spin on other people's words and actions. And very often, I find that my "internal translator" wasn't working very well and I had misinterpreted what I was seeing or hearing because I was making connections to things in my past which just didn't exist in the present situation.
I call this dealing with an echo of my past. Sometimes it is actually a good thing and warns me about possible trouble. But sometimes it is a hindrance and leads me to respond inappropriately. Learning the difference is hard work and I still don't have it down pat and make mistakes. But by being aware of it, I am more careful in how I interpret other people's words and actions and realise that my own words and actions can also be misunderstood.
Let's take the simle three words "I love you".
It can be a simple declaration of an emotional attachment.
It can mean "I want sex."
It can mean "You owe me, and should do what I want."
It can mean "I own you."
How the message is perceived has a lot to do with the person's own upbringing and background along with life experiences. And so the message being given can be totally misunderstood, as can the response.
We give words and actions our own personal meanings which are sometimes very different from the original intention. Often that is what leads us to having such mixed up feelings.
Sometimes we're right in making a connection and thinking of science and the theory of gravity when we see an apple. But sometimes it is just a simple apple with no connotations or deeper meanings.
I have never been a very good mind reader, so I've learned to stop trying to interpret and put my own spin on other people's words and actions. And very often, I find that my "internal translator" wasn't working very well and I had misinterpreted what I was seeing or hearing because I was making connections to things in my past which just didn't exist in the present situation.
I call this dealing with an echo of my past. Sometimes it is actually a good thing and warns me about possible trouble. But sometimes it is a hindrance and leads me to respond inappropriately. Learning the difference is hard work and I still don't have it down pat and make mistakes. But by being aware of it, I am more careful in how I interpret other people's words and actions and realise that my own words and actions can also be misunderstood.
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Originally Posted by Earthworm
You know I've been coming on here and reading about Alcoholism and Alcoholics and I am one, and also reading about ACOA issues as I'm one of those too.
It has come very clear to me my patterns dealing with relationships no matter what kind.
Because I have such an intense fear of speaking up for myself due to ACOA Trauma I run away from relationships. I hold in my feelings and begin to become totally reactive and destructive towards myself.
For example this past week, I was talking to my A.A sponsor about something which I asked I thought pretty clearly, not to say anything about it until I got back to her and she went and told someone else BEFORE I got back to her. Now I want to tell her that I'm not happy about that and I no longer want her for my sponsor but I have such an overriding fear of doing that.
Secondly, I'm so angry at the S.O but I have such an overriding fear of telling him that I just want to end the relationship because I figure if I tell him how I honestly feel the relationship will be over anyways so I may as well end it.
And here I am today after he didn't call me back last night when I wanted to talk to him about a couple of things feeling like I should be calling him, just generally feeling bad. And why???????????? Makes no sense, either participate in the relationship or not, a 10 minute phone call would have sufficed. But here I am afraid he'll reject ME when really I should tell him to stuff it.
Pretty twisted.
By the way does anyone have any suggestions for books on ACOA??
Thanx
It has come very clear to me my patterns dealing with relationships no matter what kind.
Because I have such an intense fear of speaking up for myself due to ACOA Trauma I run away from relationships. I hold in my feelings and begin to become totally reactive and destructive towards myself.
For example this past week, I was talking to my A.A sponsor about something which I asked I thought pretty clearly, not to say anything about it until I got back to her and she went and told someone else BEFORE I got back to her. Now I want to tell her that I'm not happy about that and I no longer want her for my sponsor but I have such an overriding fear of doing that.
Secondly, I'm so angry at the S.O but I have such an overriding fear of telling him that I just want to end the relationship because I figure if I tell him how I honestly feel the relationship will be over anyways so I may as well end it.
And here I am today after he didn't call me back last night when I wanted to talk to him about a couple of things feeling like I should be calling him, just generally feeling bad. And why???????????? Makes no sense, either participate in the relationship or not, a 10 minute phone call would have sufficed. But here I am afraid he'll reject ME when really I should tell him to stuff it.
Pretty twisted.
By the way does anyone have any suggestions for books on ACOA??
Thanx
Your not twisted...what you are feeling is very normal and understanding. Only the people who have been in your shoes or similar shoes will get it, but you are not twisted.......hang in there. and I agree with everyone that has posted. Keep reading the materials.............they really do help!!!
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Thanx Hypatia,
Yes, you are absolutely right, that is why yesterday when I was on the phone with him, I kept talking in a way where I was asking for clarity on what he was saying and I was conscious about what I was saying so that things were communicated as clearly as possible with as little misunderstanding as possible.
So now instead of reacting from past I'm going to do something constructive which is go on Amazon.com and order the ACOA books that everyone here has suggested. Also has anyone here read Perfect Daughters? Just wondering if it's a good one?
Thanx
Yes, you are absolutely right, that is why yesterday when I was on the phone with him, I kept talking in a way where I was asking for clarity on what he was saying and I was conscious about what I was saying so that things were communicated as clearly as possible with as little misunderstanding as possible.
So now instead of reacting from past I'm going to do something constructive which is go on Amazon.com and order the ACOA books that everyone here has suggested. Also has anyone here read Perfect Daughters? Just wondering if it's a good one?
Thanx
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Oh, btw, you can find Black's books here: Welcome to Claudia Black, addictions & codependency specialist, author, speaker
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This is something from the book I am reading on Narcissists but I believe applies in your situation, so I'm sharing it with you.
You have a right to your own needs Earthworm. Take back your power. Look at yourself, determine what you need for your one precious life, and find your voice. Stand firm in your worth and your right to what you need, as well as what you will no longer accept.
Choice is something we take away from ourselves when we give our N (narcissist) our own power. Without realizing it, we give up our rights and allow ourselves to be manipulated by [others]. [When we do this], we are handing over our power. We don't feel we have a choice in many matters concerning our Ns. Instead of confronting the N, we often swallow our pride and don't express our needs or ideas.
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Yes this is true, I've really back slid in that department, I have given up my power because I seem to lose my voice when I fear sets in of a confrontation.
Just came back from a thanksgiving sunday with the family. SSSiiggghhhh just craziness. Anyways didn't lose my power there for once. I limit my time there so it doesn't get too nuts.
Just came back from a thanksgiving sunday with the family. SSSiiggghhhh just craziness. Anyways didn't lose my power there for once. I limit my time there so it doesn't get too nuts.
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Another good ACoA book particularly for women is My Mama's Waltz: A book for daughters of alcoholic mothers. I have worn my copy of From Survival to Recovery pretty thin. It's probably my favorite Al-Anon book for ACoA, with ODAT for general Al-Anon purposes.
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Learn2Live,
My pattern has always been to give my power away to narcissistic men and women too. That's what I grew up with, saw the behaviour and to survive in an screwed up place had to do that.
Yesterday had the narcissism right in my face with a parent.
My pattern has always been to give my power away to narcissistic men and women too. That's what I grew up with, saw the behaviour and to survive in an screwed up place had to do that.
Yesterday had the narcissism right in my face with a parent.
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
This is something from the book I am reading on Narcissists but I believe applies in your situation, so I'm sharing it with you.
You have a right to your own needs Earthworm. Take back your power. Look at yourself, determine what you need for your one precious life, and find your voice. Stand firm in your worth and your right to what you need, as well as what you will no longer accept.
You have a right to your own needs Earthworm. Take back your power. Look at yourself, determine what you need for your one precious life, and find your voice. Stand firm in your worth and your right to what you need, as well as what you will no longer accept.
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I'm not twisted but my thinking sure is, it's survival from abuse thinking that I run on.
Originally Posted by Lynnrae2
Your not twisted...what you are feeling is very normal and understanding. Only the people who have been in your shoes or similar shoes will get it, but you are not twisted.......hang in there. and I agree with everyone that has posted. Keep reading the materials.............they really do help!!!
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