So your now 'recovered" instead of "recovering"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
So your now 'recovered" instead of "recovering"
I just want everyone to know that my AH (really fiance) is the only "recovered" alcoholic on the planet. At least I am saying the only one because I was educated that there is no such thing - but something miraculous must have happened to him - because he is no longer and alcoholic. Its a MIRACLE!!!!!
Last night after having an irritated moment AH said "now is when I would like a drink". i said to him you have been saying that a lot lately - what's going on with you. He took this as an opening to convince me to have drinks with him sometime. He said he has put a lot of thought into it and what happened to him before. He knows himslef now, he knows his limitations, he KNOWS he can put it down. he would just like to be "normal" and us go out sometimes and have a couple of drinks. He said because he was untreated bi-polar all those years that it was self medication. He said that there are people who get sober then later on drink again socially with no problem.
I responded fairly clinically - I stated most everything he told me about alcoholism when we first met and reminded him these were his words not mine. You know what I said I won't bore you with that part.
He went on a 5 minute rant denying the truth of it all - and ended asking me, or rather telling me, "If I want to drink I will. that's how it is. Now I am asking you to support me, will you"?
Here is my response, I hope it was right.
"This is what your alcoholism cost you - your 15 year relationship, your home, your condos, your car, your credit, your business, your motorcyce, your boats, but most importatntly your health. You laid in ICU in a coma for 31 days, a heart attack, organ failure little chance to survive. You got out you stayed sober 60 days then picked up. 2 weeks later you ended up back in ICU for 2 more weeks. You were 38 - you then continued to drink for 2 more years and developed chronic pancreatitis and are insulin dependant diabetic. Then you got sober because you were told death again was around the corner.
So no I will not "support" you. I will not help you or enable you in anyway. Nor will I try and stop you. I can't and its not my responsibility to it is only yours. I will not pick you up or take you anywhere to drink, don't call me drunk to come and get you so you can prove you are a responsible drinker I will not come and get you. Don't call me from jail I won't bail you out. Don't ask me to stop and pick up some alcohol on my way home from work I won't. Don't ask me to borrow any money for anything not even related to alcohol - you never have and its not starting now. Don't ask me to get you some ibuprofen because you have a hangover I won't even do that.
Most importantly don't ever say "honey don't worry" to me again. Because I am not worried at all. I will not spend 1 ounce of energy worrying about you. If you don't come home I won't text or call I don't care. Late? I don't care. Sick? I don't care. Freaking out? I don't care. I am not going to bother telling you you will not bring alcohol in this house because you will tell me this is your home and you can do what you want. And that is true until I evict you. 60 days. So if you want to bring it in by all means don't bother hiding it because you think I care because I don't care enough to even throw it away.
There are two things I will do for you, WHEN not IF you get sick and I find you in a coma or you are projectile vomiting your guts out I will call 911 to come and get you so you don't ruin MY FURNITURE.
Secondly if you come to your senses and decide you WANT help I will stand with you to the end of time. Other than that My obligations to you have ended.
He said "You don't sound like yourself" I said "neither do you".
Later after an hour of silence he said "listen lets not talk about this again ok? I didn't mean it - I was just spouting off. I am not drinking I doubt I ever will and if I decide to I will let you know"
I just nodded my head. Why? Because you are already drinking my dear. You just don't think I know.
Last night after having an irritated moment AH said "now is when I would like a drink". i said to him you have been saying that a lot lately - what's going on with you. He took this as an opening to convince me to have drinks with him sometime. He said he has put a lot of thought into it and what happened to him before. He knows himslef now, he knows his limitations, he KNOWS he can put it down. he would just like to be "normal" and us go out sometimes and have a couple of drinks. He said because he was untreated bi-polar all those years that it was self medication. He said that there are people who get sober then later on drink again socially with no problem.
I responded fairly clinically - I stated most everything he told me about alcoholism when we first met and reminded him these were his words not mine. You know what I said I won't bore you with that part.
He went on a 5 minute rant denying the truth of it all - and ended asking me, or rather telling me, "If I want to drink I will. that's how it is. Now I am asking you to support me, will you"?
Here is my response, I hope it was right.
"This is what your alcoholism cost you - your 15 year relationship, your home, your condos, your car, your credit, your business, your motorcyce, your boats, but most importatntly your health. You laid in ICU in a coma for 31 days, a heart attack, organ failure little chance to survive. You got out you stayed sober 60 days then picked up. 2 weeks later you ended up back in ICU for 2 more weeks. You were 38 - you then continued to drink for 2 more years and developed chronic pancreatitis and are insulin dependant diabetic. Then you got sober because you were told death again was around the corner.
So no I will not "support" you. I will not help you or enable you in anyway. Nor will I try and stop you. I can't and its not my responsibility to it is only yours. I will not pick you up or take you anywhere to drink, don't call me drunk to come and get you so you can prove you are a responsible drinker I will not come and get you. Don't call me from jail I won't bail you out. Don't ask me to stop and pick up some alcohol on my way home from work I won't. Don't ask me to borrow any money for anything not even related to alcohol - you never have and its not starting now. Don't ask me to get you some ibuprofen because you have a hangover I won't even do that.
Most importantly don't ever say "honey don't worry" to me again. Because I am not worried at all. I will not spend 1 ounce of energy worrying about you. If you don't come home I won't text or call I don't care. Late? I don't care. Sick? I don't care. Freaking out? I don't care. I am not going to bother telling you you will not bring alcohol in this house because you will tell me this is your home and you can do what you want. And that is true until I evict you. 60 days. So if you want to bring it in by all means don't bother hiding it because you think I care because I don't care enough to even throw it away.
There are two things I will do for you, WHEN not IF you get sick and I find you in a coma or you are projectile vomiting your guts out I will call 911 to come and get you so you don't ruin MY FURNITURE.
Secondly if you come to your senses and decide you WANT help I will stand with you to the end of time. Other than that My obligations to you have ended.
He said "You don't sound like yourself" I said "neither do you".
Later after an hour of silence he said "listen lets not talk about this again ok? I didn't mean it - I was just spouting off. I am not drinking I doubt I ever will and if I decide to I will let you know"
I just nodded my head. Why? Because you are already drinking my dear. You just don't think I know.
Good job!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Well done!
And while your powerful boundaries were clearly presented and he absolutely must have been stunned that you completely blocked his obviously calculated and manipulative attempt to slyly get you to allow alcohol back into your lives do not for a moment think that he is persuaded to stop... yet anyway.
However... you clearly have given him some food for thought and now his choices will be "informed" at least. Sadly, the alcoholic voice is now in the picture and unless he really gears up and gets back into a program things will progressively deteriorate in the coming days and weeks.
The only other thing that I did with my XA was sit down with him and we had a very clear and agreed upon relapse prevention plan in place. If he were to drink I was to immediately transport him to the detox unit and residential recovery program that he used the last time he relapsed.
We put all of this in writing in an agreement that he signed.
The day that he drank I drove to where he was (trying to get a drink at that moment at a bowling alley at 11:00 am) and drove straight to the rehab. He kept threatening to jump out at 50 mph and I said ... "so jump". I was pretty angry at that moment...lol.
I got him all the way to the rehab and he angrily got out and walked right past the door to the bar down the street and was off and running.
I packed his stuff (for the 12th time) and put it in storage and that was that.
The contract was useless once the "beast was unleashed" but signing the "no alcohol" boundary and relapse plan was for my benefit and not his. It gave me the "legal" right to pack his junk and move him out if he drank.
I have no idea if it would have held up in court but he never contested it because he was trashed at the bar and knew he had signed it.
Just a thought to avoid a lengthy eviction process with an active alcoholic.
And while your powerful boundaries were clearly presented and he absolutely must have been stunned that you completely blocked his obviously calculated and manipulative attempt to slyly get you to allow alcohol back into your lives do not for a moment think that he is persuaded to stop... yet anyway.
However... you clearly have given him some food for thought and now his choices will be "informed" at least. Sadly, the alcoholic voice is now in the picture and unless he really gears up and gets back into a program things will progressively deteriorate in the coming days and weeks.
The only other thing that I did with my XA was sit down with him and we had a very clear and agreed upon relapse prevention plan in place. If he were to drink I was to immediately transport him to the detox unit and residential recovery program that he used the last time he relapsed.
We put all of this in writing in an agreement that he signed.
The day that he drank I drove to where he was (trying to get a drink at that moment at a bowling alley at 11:00 am) and drove straight to the rehab. He kept threatening to jump out at 50 mph and I said ... "so jump". I was pretty angry at that moment...lol.
I got him all the way to the rehab and he angrily got out and walked right past the door to the bar down the street and was off and running.
I packed his stuff (for the 12th time) and put it in storage and that was that.
The contract was useless once the "beast was unleashed" but signing the "no alcohol" boundary and relapse plan was for my benefit and not his. It gave me the "legal" right to pack his junk and move him out if he drank.
I have no idea if it would have held up in court but he never contested it because he was trashed at the bar and knew he had signed it.
Just a thought to avoid a lengthy eviction process with an active alcoholic.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
That Slick is talking to him again; they must have BUD-died up once more:
P.S.
BUD = Building Up to Drink.
"Your bipolar disorder is being medicated well, FINALLY. Things are good again, FINALLY. So you should be able to have A drink when you go out to dinner just like eveeryone else, NOW!!!"
Slick is chill. Slick doesn't like to complicate things with stuff like chronic pancreatitis, insulin-dependant diabetes types and, certainly not, that alcoholism business.P.S.
BUD = Building Up to Drink.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
"...I just want everyone to know that my AH (really fiance) is the only "recovered" alcoholic on the planet. At least I am saying the only one because I was educated that there is no such thing - but something miraculous must have happened to him - because he is no longer and alcoholic. Its a MIRACLE!!!!!..."
Two things here.....being 'recovered' alcoholic and no longer being an alcoholic. I am a 'recovered' alcoholic; most of my friends are 'recovered' alcoholics. Please note that I'm saying 'recovered alcoholic,' and not saying 'recovered' and no longer an alcoholic. Even the BB of AA states that its purpose is to show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered (note, it does not say it will show how to be recovering, or how to continue recovering.........).
Precisely, the BB states..................:
"...We of Alcoholics Anonymous, stmore than one hundred men and women who have RECOVERED...To show other alcoholicsprecisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book..." (Forward to the First Edition; First paragraph).
(o:
NoelleR
Two things here.....being 'recovered' alcoholic and no longer being an alcoholic. I am a 'recovered' alcoholic; most of my friends are 'recovered' alcoholics. Please note that I'm saying 'recovered alcoholic,' and not saying 'recovered' and no longer an alcoholic. Even the BB of AA states that its purpose is to show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered (note, it does not say it will show how to be recovering, or how to continue recovering.........).
Precisely, the BB states..................:
"...We of Alcoholics Anonymous, stmore than one hundred men and women who have RECOVERED...To show other alcoholicsprecisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book..." (Forward to the First Edition; First paragraph).
(o:
NoelleR
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Noelle - matter of symantics - he meant recovered in the term of no longer being an alcoholic. I am no expert on AA or alcoholism but its my impression that once and A always an A.
Tonight at dinner he brought it up again. Said after giving it much thought he has decided just for the sake of going out and lowering his inhibitions a bit is not a good enough reason to drink. Although he does truly believe he can drink again with no problem.
I will take any positive movement toward maintaining sobriety. Though not fooled. Thank you all for posting your stories I have learned so much. I am very aware this could be a manipulative retraction and meaningless.
Tonight at dinner he brought it up again. Said after giving it much thought he has decided just for the sake of going out and lowering his inhibitions a bit is not a good enough reason to drink. Although he does truly believe he can drink again with no problem.
I will take any positive movement toward maintaining sobriety. Though not fooled. Thank you all for posting your stories I have learned so much. I am very aware this could be a manipulative retraction and meaningless.
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