Under the Influence
 

Someone on this forum recommended this book and it is saving my sanity. These two quotes, especially under The Deteriorative Stage:

"He is usually tense and anxious unless he is drinking. One slighting remark or questioning glance, and he is immediately irritated. An unmade bed, a telephone call during the cocktail hour, a dirty bathtub, no more catsup, an unpaid bill, a driver honking his horn -- any one event is enough to set him off. He explodes, screaming at the kids, cursing his wife, humiliating his secretary; then he stomps off. Later he feels guilty and ashamed. These emotional outbursts occur most often when the alcoholic is in withdrawal, and they only confirm to him his need for a drink."

"The wife or husband may feel responsible; he or she also feels worthless, incompetent, useless and unloved, and suffers crippling guilt and self-pity."

It all makes so much sense now... I wonder why I ever took any of his ugly tirades so personally.

Because that is just human nature. A non-alcoholic can't understand how a substance, or lack thereof, can cause a person to change into such a raging, unreasonable, abusive person. It doesn't matter how many times someone tells you it isn't personal, you are living with it and it sure does feel personal.

I'm glad you are learning that it really had nothing at all to do with you. :grouphug:

Thanks!
Well, I always wondered why the tirades seemed to happen even when he was sober but he often remarked upon needing a drink just to calm down. Yeah, I am really learning a lot from hanging out here, lol!

One of the things I always used to ask myself was.

What just happened???

Ziggy, My A was alot like this too. In fact he would always tell me. "You wont like me when I am not drinking." The rage inside of this man was huge and then of course some how these tantrums(baby fits is what I called them) would end up being my fault.

The tantrums he threw were when he was drinking. The whole time we were seeing each other. He was sober for about a week, and he was right, the 5 days he was sober. The anger was a thousand times worse than it was when he was drunk.

My A was so explosive, and I had never encountered anything like it before, that I would just shut down. I went into a shell and walked on egg shells after that. I learned real quick not to question anything he did or said.

The littlest things would set him off. I remember watching golf with him on tv and a news cast broke into the program. (a bank robbery or something had taken place). The next thing I know I am getting my a## chewed out. (like I have control over the tv).

If my A ever felt shame or guilt, he never showed it. It was almost like he had no feeling at all. Most times, We would just pretend it never happened.

If, I did show any emotion, then I was usually, called a cry baby or he would tell me that I was being dramatic or the majority of the time, I got nothing out of him. He would say, "Hello, I am trying to watch golf here. and then nothing else after that.

So, while he had moved on, my mind was still processing what had just happened and whatever I was feeling or thinking didnt matter. (that is where my self esteem and confidence level got depleted.)

Hi LynnRae,
It seems like a lot of these stories are the same. Like you I would be upset over these incidents and then he would accuse me of having resentments. If I ever tried to argue back, then *I* would be the one who was accused of having the problems.

I rarely, if ever, started an argument and was always walking around on eggshells, wondering what I would do to upset him. That's no way to live.

It's all so maddening. I also have no self esteem and confidence but I'm going to counseling and that seems to be helping me. :D