I don't know if I'm overreacting or not
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 20
I don't know if I'm overreacting or not
My BF and I have been together for 8 months, and I'm starting to see things that worry me. I don't have anyone that I can talk to, so I came here.
First off, he's a great guy. He's a great guy even when he's drinking. But once he gets to the point where he's drunk...
We see each other 2-4 nights a week, so I don't know his every night routine. There are nights when we're together that he doesn't drink, so I honestly don't know how much he really drinks. He can drink 3 or 4 beers and be fine, and even often more than that. I don't know where his line is, really. It's not so much the amount he drinks that worries me, it's the behavior he exhibits when he's drunk. He never misses work, and alcohol never interferes with any of his responsibilities. He doesn't have hangovers. It's taken until now for me to wonder if there's something there that I need to keep an eye on. I believe both of his parents have substance abuse issues, but we don't talk about them too much.
A few weeks ago, I got to his apartment after work and he had been on a cleaning and organizing spree, and had been drinking while he was doing it. No biggie. But I could tell he had crossed over into drunk territory. Even then, no problem, he was at home.
The problem began when he picked up his keys and said, "I'm going to the gas station to get some beer," and started walking out the door. I told him he wasn't, he said "then take me" and I said "you don't need any more" and it just escalated from there. I told him that if he got in that truck and drove away, that we were done.
He walked out the door and got in the truck, and backed it up.
I convinced him to get out of the truck only by promising to take him to get more beer. We got back to the apartment, and in 10 minutes, he was passed out on the bed. It was 8:15pm. I tried to wake him up, he just mumbled. I left, but sat outside for an hour to make sure he didn't try to leave.
We spoke about it a few days later, and he said he didn't really remember any of it. I told him that it wasn't acceptable behavior in my relationship.
Two nights ago, I got home from work and he was at my house, working on his truck in my driveway. He had been drinking again. (He loves working on his truck, washing his truck, organizing his work equipment in his truck, and usually always drinks when he does it.) I went inside and took a shower and fixed dinner. We snuggled up in bed to eat dinner and watch a movie, and within 5 minutes, he was passed out asleep. It was 8:45pm.
Then last night, has been my last straw that brought me here. He was at my place again, working on his truck, drinking. I went inside and did my thing, letting him work on what he needed to. I went out a couple of times to chat, but he's not one to listen much when he's drinking. He'll talk and be enthusiastic about wanting to have a conversation, but he just talks, and won't ever LISTEN, and doesn't even make sense most of the time, so I just stopped trying. I went back inside and kept painting. The next thing I know, at 8:10pm, he pulls out of my driveway and drives away.
I was stunned. He didn't even poke his head in to say a word to me, which is NOT like him. I was so angry that I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if he was coming back, where he was going, or what. I didn't text or call him, because I didn't want him to be looking at his phone while he was driving. I went to the recycle bin and counted the empty Corona bottles. There were 8. I don't know how many more he drank, because I think he might have been putting empty bottles back in the case, which he took with him.
I have not heard from him yet, and it is now 1:15 the next afternoon. He could truly be dead in a ditch right now and I would never know. We were supposed to have a really nice and fun date night tomorrow night, but truthfully, he's ruined that, and I don't know if I even can look at him right now. The kicker is, we're supposed to be going on vacation together next month (our first trip together), to Key West, the drinking capital of the world. I've been looking so forward to it, and now I'm scared to go. I know he won't be driving, so drinking isn't a problem, but I'm afraid at this point that I'm now so attuned to tensing up and anticipating his behavior changes that I'm just going to be miserable and we're going to have an awful trip.
I love him more than I've ever loved anyone before (we're 33/34 y/o), and I don't want to be the wife that opens the door to the state troopers telling her that her husband crossed the median while drunk, killing himself and taking the family in the other car with him.
I was married briefly to an alcoholic (the entire relationship from Day 1 to divorce was less than 3 years), and we divorced 7 years ago. I won't marry another one. I don't know if I'm overreacting because of that situation, or if I'm being perfectly reasonable in being this upset.
Please help.
First off, he's a great guy. He's a great guy even when he's drinking. But once he gets to the point where he's drunk...
We see each other 2-4 nights a week, so I don't know his every night routine. There are nights when we're together that he doesn't drink, so I honestly don't know how much he really drinks. He can drink 3 or 4 beers and be fine, and even often more than that. I don't know where his line is, really. It's not so much the amount he drinks that worries me, it's the behavior he exhibits when he's drunk. He never misses work, and alcohol never interferes with any of his responsibilities. He doesn't have hangovers. It's taken until now for me to wonder if there's something there that I need to keep an eye on. I believe both of his parents have substance abuse issues, but we don't talk about them too much.
A few weeks ago, I got to his apartment after work and he had been on a cleaning and organizing spree, and had been drinking while he was doing it. No biggie. But I could tell he had crossed over into drunk territory. Even then, no problem, he was at home.
The problem began when he picked up his keys and said, "I'm going to the gas station to get some beer," and started walking out the door. I told him he wasn't, he said "then take me" and I said "you don't need any more" and it just escalated from there. I told him that if he got in that truck and drove away, that we were done.
He walked out the door and got in the truck, and backed it up.
I convinced him to get out of the truck only by promising to take him to get more beer. We got back to the apartment, and in 10 minutes, he was passed out on the bed. It was 8:15pm. I tried to wake him up, he just mumbled. I left, but sat outside for an hour to make sure he didn't try to leave.
We spoke about it a few days later, and he said he didn't really remember any of it. I told him that it wasn't acceptable behavior in my relationship.
Two nights ago, I got home from work and he was at my house, working on his truck in my driveway. He had been drinking again. (He loves working on his truck, washing his truck, organizing his work equipment in his truck, and usually always drinks when he does it.) I went inside and took a shower and fixed dinner. We snuggled up in bed to eat dinner and watch a movie, and within 5 minutes, he was passed out asleep. It was 8:45pm.
Then last night, has been my last straw that brought me here. He was at my place again, working on his truck, drinking. I went inside and did my thing, letting him work on what he needed to. I went out a couple of times to chat, but he's not one to listen much when he's drinking. He'll talk and be enthusiastic about wanting to have a conversation, but he just talks, and won't ever LISTEN, and doesn't even make sense most of the time, so I just stopped trying. I went back inside and kept painting. The next thing I know, at 8:10pm, he pulls out of my driveway and drives away.
I was stunned. He didn't even poke his head in to say a word to me, which is NOT like him. I was so angry that I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if he was coming back, where he was going, or what. I didn't text or call him, because I didn't want him to be looking at his phone while he was driving. I went to the recycle bin and counted the empty Corona bottles. There were 8. I don't know how many more he drank, because I think he might have been putting empty bottles back in the case, which he took with him.
I have not heard from him yet, and it is now 1:15 the next afternoon. He could truly be dead in a ditch right now and I would never know. We were supposed to have a really nice and fun date night tomorrow night, but truthfully, he's ruined that, and I don't know if I even can look at him right now. The kicker is, we're supposed to be going on vacation together next month (our first trip together), to Key West, the drinking capital of the world. I've been looking so forward to it, and now I'm scared to go. I know he won't be driving, so drinking isn't a problem, but I'm afraid at this point that I'm now so attuned to tensing up and anticipating his behavior changes that I'm just going to be miserable and we're going to have an awful trip.
I love him more than I've ever loved anyone before (we're 33/34 y/o), and I don't want to be the wife that opens the door to the state troopers telling her that her husband crossed the median while drunk, killing himself and taking the family in the other car with him.
I was married briefly to an alcoholic (the entire relationship from Day 1 to divorce was less than 3 years), and we divorced 7 years ago. I won't marry another one. I don't know if I'm overreacting because of that situation, or if I'm being perfectly reasonable in being this upset.
Please help.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
It sounds like you already know exactly what you are dealing with.
The more time you spend with him, the more obvious his problem seems to be. Have no doubt that the more he lets you in to his world, that "more with be revealed" (a frequent phrase that gets mentioned around here).
I dont think that you are over reacting. Read the posts in the forum and they may give you some clarity.
The more time you spend with him, the more obvious his problem seems to be. Have no doubt that the more he lets you in to his world, that "more with be revealed" (a frequent phrase that gets mentioned around here).
I dont think that you are over reacting. Read the posts in the forum and they may give you some clarity.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
I don't think you're overreacting. You've been on thsi rolloer-coaster before and want no more rides, I understand that.
To just leave last night and not say a word is downright rude, drunk or otherwise.
Good Luck. Glad you found this place, it's the right place to be.
To just leave last night and not say a word is downright rude, drunk or otherwise.
Good Luck. Glad you found this place, it's the right place to be.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I told him that if he got in that truck and drove away, that we were done.
He walked out the door and got in the truck, and backed it up.
I convinced him to get out of the truck only by promising to take him to get more beer.
He walked out the door and got in the truck, and backed it up.
I convinced him to get out of the truck only by promising to take him to get more beer.
You keep doing that, you'll find yourself in another relationship with another person who doesn't respect you. Call him an alcoholic, call him a problem drinker, call him a jerk.
You don't need that. You already know what the next chapter looks like.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 20
Yes, exactly. Because I did tell him that when he was drunk and not capable of listening coherently, I have decided that I will tell him only once, when sober, that if he does it again, I will leave and not come back, period. And I know I have to stick to that, or become the boy who cried wolf.
I also plan to tell him that there will be no more alcohol at my house, in my garage, or on my property, period.
But that doesn't help me on vacation, or at his apartment, or when we're out having dinner at a restaurant. I'm betting the response to saying,"when you're with me, you can't drink more than 3 beers" would be "F you, you can't tell me what to do."
I don't get it. He's trying to quit smoking (he doesn't do it much anyway, maybe a pack a week, if that.) He doesn't smoke when his daughter is visiting every other weekend, and he managed to go 10 days without a cigarette while he was on vacation with her. He doesn't drink around her, either. If he can do it for her, why can't he quit the addictions altogether?
I also plan to tell him that there will be no more alcohol at my house, in my garage, or on my property, period.
But that doesn't help me on vacation, or at his apartment, or when we're out having dinner at a restaurant. I'm betting the response to saying,"when you're with me, you can't drink more than 3 beers" would be "F you, you can't tell me what to do."
I don't get it. He's trying to quit smoking (he doesn't do it much anyway, maybe a pack a week, if that.) He doesn't smoke when his daughter is visiting every other weekend, and he managed to go 10 days without a cigarette while he was on vacation with her. He doesn't drink around her, either. If he can do it for her, why can't he quit the addictions altogether?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Sadly, he would would be right: You actually *can't* tell him what to do. Trying to limit the number of drinks he has around you is trying to control him, not setting a boundary. You can only state what you will do, and then do it. What will *you* do if you tell him you won't be around someone who is drunk and he gets drunk anyway?
He 'can't' quit his addictions altogether because he doesn't want to. Not drinking or smoking around someone for even 10 days isn't the same as never drinking or smoking again. But what he does with his daughter as opposed to what he does with you isn't your side of the street; it's his. You can only control what you do.
He 'can't' quit his addictions altogether because he doesn't want to. Not drinking or smoking around someone for even 10 days isn't the same as never drinking or smoking again. But what he does with his daughter as opposed to what he does with you isn't your side of the street; it's his. You can only control what you do.
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And that's where the problem lies. He can drink several and be fine. There's no rhyme or reason to when he's going to drink more and not be fine. Most of the time, he's only drinking a few and is fine. But on the occasion when he has too much, I'm afraid to leave, afraid that he'll get in the car and drive away. So what do I do? If he's drinking at all, I run the risk of that happening. I can't tell him he can't drink around me. So is my only option to just leave for good now, and cut my losses before something has the chance to happen?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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You do have the option of calling the police if you know he is getting behind the wheel when he's been drinking. You don't have to gauge whether it is a fine or not fine circumstance; driving while intoxicated at ALL is illegal and, more importantly, dangerous.
As far as leaving, no, it's far from your only option. I think trying Al-Anon might be a good place to start trying to figure out what the others are for you. People do stay, and with several different outcomes. Just look at all the threads on this site -- fifteen pages worth and that only goes back a month!
Only you will be able to decide what's next. So you should arm yourself with information and get your focus back on you and your needs instead of his. So you can't control him. Then what's next?
As far as leaving, no, it's far from your only option. I think trying Al-Anon might be a good place to start trying to figure out what the others are for you. People do stay, and with several different outcomes. Just look at all the threads on this site -- fifteen pages worth and that only goes back a month!
Only you will be able to decide what's next. So you should arm yourself with information and get your focus back on you and your needs instead of his. So you can't control him. Then what's next?
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I wish I knew, dandy. I wish I knew.
I thought about calling the police on him last night, but I didn't know where he was going or what route he was taking. I was hoping that he just went to the gas station and was coming back. By the time I'd waited long enough to realize he wasn't, he would have already been home. What good does it do to call the police and tell them that someone who's home in bed had driven there drunk?
I feel so lost today. I'm glad I found you guys.
I thought about calling the police on him last night, but I didn't know where he was going or what route he was taking. I was hoping that he just went to the gas station and was coming back. By the time I'd waited long enough to realize he wasn't, he would have already been home. What good does it do to call the police and tell them that someone who's home in bed had driven there drunk?
I feel so lost today. I'm glad I found you guys.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 7
I'm in a similar situation with my BF - though quite a bit further down the road with it than you seem to be right now in terms of knowing exactly what's going on and getting a sense of the size and scope of the problem.
My BF *can* drink socially - one does not always lead to many - and he's capable of having a beer or two in the evening after work and then calling it a night. But then there are the other times - the social situations where for whatever reason he sneaks to the bar between rounds, or en route to the men's room, and winds up drinking two or three while everyone else is still nursing their one. Or when he's home alone, and decides to 'relax' with a whiskey/ginger - and winds up binging and going off the radar for two days, calling in sick to work, messing up our plans, etc. The agony for me - until very recently - was figuring out whether it was one of *those* nights, and having to cope with mental images of him choking on his own vomit or slitting his wrists or something in a drunken/depressed stupor. (Thanks to a DUI he got before meeting me, him driving off somewhere wasn't something I've ever had to worry about.)
I absolutely hear you about the frustration of dealing with someone whose 'drinking behavior' is often more alcoholic-seeming than the volume of actual alcohol they're consuming. It makes you feel like a hovering harpy - or a warden in a halfway house - to constantly be monitoring another adult's behavior, checking trash bins and tallying empties. Add to that the discourtesy and emotional violence of being subjected to abject fear when you *know* the person has a problem, and you haven't heard a peep out of them in 24+ hours, and how can a reasonable person be expected to react?
You are totally NOT overreacting. I kind of asked the same question in a post yesterday, and the resounding response was that a person really can't overreact when it comes to drawing up boundaries for themselves and defending against this kind of horsesh!t.
My BF *can* drink socially - one does not always lead to many - and he's capable of having a beer or two in the evening after work and then calling it a night. But then there are the other times - the social situations where for whatever reason he sneaks to the bar between rounds, or en route to the men's room, and winds up drinking two or three while everyone else is still nursing their one. Or when he's home alone, and decides to 'relax' with a whiskey/ginger - and winds up binging and going off the radar for two days, calling in sick to work, messing up our plans, etc. The agony for me - until very recently - was figuring out whether it was one of *those* nights, and having to cope with mental images of him choking on his own vomit or slitting his wrists or something in a drunken/depressed stupor. (Thanks to a DUI he got before meeting me, him driving off somewhere wasn't something I've ever had to worry about.)
I absolutely hear you about the frustration of dealing with someone whose 'drinking behavior' is often more alcoholic-seeming than the volume of actual alcohol they're consuming. It makes you feel like a hovering harpy - or a warden in a halfway house - to constantly be monitoring another adult's behavior, checking trash bins and tallying empties. Add to that the discourtesy and emotional violence of being subjected to abject fear when you *know* the person has a problem, and you haven't heard a peep out of them in 24+ hours, and how can a reasonable person be expected to react?
You are totally NOT overreacting. I kind of asked the same question in a post yesterday, and the resounding response was that a person really can't overreact when it comes to drawing up boundaries for themselves and defending against this kind of horsesh!t.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 20
I feel like I'm crazy.
He'll do anything for anyone. He's honest and trustworthy and loving. He works extremely hard at his full time job, and he has his own business as well. He gets his daughter every other weekend, and she's a whirlwind and never stops from sunup to sundown. He doesn't have a lot of time for himself. He had his first daughter when he was 16, and has worked his ass off his whole life to support the kids, while dealing for 13years with a chronic cheater for their mother. He's a stand up guy. I've been with my share of assholes, and the fact that he's only the second guy in 7 years to get past 2 months with me, shows that I'm very particular about who I let stay in my life nowadays. This is why this is so hard.
How am I supposed to "know" whether he's an alcoholic or whether he just goes too far at times? Where's that line I'm supposed to draw?
He'll do anything for anyone. He's honest and trustworthy and loving. He works extremely hard at his full time job, and he has his own business as well. He gets his daughter every other weekend, and she's a whirlwind and never stops from sunup to sundown. He doesn't have a lot of time for himself. He had his first daughter when he was 16, and has worked his ass off his whole life to support the kids, while dealing for 13years with a chronic cheater for their mother. He's a stand up guy. I've been with my share of assholes, and the fact that he's only the second guy in 7 years to get past 2 months with me, shows that I'm very particular about who I let stay in my life nowadays. This is why this is so hard.
How am I supposed to "know" whether he's an alcoholic or whether he just goes too far at times? Where's that line I'm supposed to draw?
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
A trustworthy guy doesn't up and leave without saying anything, leaving you to worry for hours or days on end about whether or not they're dead in a ditch. Just sayin'. That shows no respect for you whatsoever. You already know what you're dealing with here, so now your choice is whether you want to try to work this out or go. I think getting to an Al-Anon meeting before making any other decision is the best route. This goes deeper than just his drinking, as you've admitted to being married to an alcoholic before. You need to find out what makes you choose this type of person, and how you can deal with that going forward. Forget about him for a little bit and focus on yourself, because you both have problems that need working out individually.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Welcome GG. So sorry for your situation that brought you here, but I am glad you found this site.
Lots of good advice here so far, so I will keep it short.
I understand the feeling of disappointment in questioning whether or not this man whom you love is an alcoholic. To me, it felt like my world had just tilted in an opposite direction. I was lost, too.
Keep posting, and keep coming back,
~T
Lots of good advice here so far, so I will keep it short.
I understand the feeling of disappointment in questioning whether or not this man whom you love is an alcoholic. To me, it felt like my world had just tilted in an opposite direction. I was lost, too.
Keep posting, and keep coming back,
~T
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 20
I do want to stay with him. More than anything. Because our relationship is great when he's not drunk. We rarely argue, and things are terrific. It's just like getting hit by lightening on those nights when he gets drunk. I could totally handle the passing out early, whatever. It's the drunk driving that's the dealbreaker. And the worry that it's only going to get worse, that I have the fear hanging over my head.
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