I don't know if I'm overreacting or not
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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GG128, the alcoholism is bigger than you. You have no control over it (or him). The alcoholism is bigger than either you or him. It is also progressive. It will not get better without total abstainence and a rigorous program under his belt.
You have walked this road before--you can either let go, or be dragged. You have been together only 8mo. This feeling called love is not enough with an alcoholic.
Your highest allegience is to yourself---FIRST.
As it is,his highest allegience is, by necessity, to the alcohol. He is an alcoholic.
I am talking to you as if you were my daughter or my sister.
Alanon would be of tremendous comfort to you, right n ow.
dandylion
You have walked this road before--you can either let go, or be dragged. You have been together only 8mo. This feeling called love is not enough with an alcoholic.
Your highest allegience is to yourself---FIRST.
As it is,his highest allegience is, by necessity, to the alcohol. He is an alcoholic.
I am talking to you as if you were my daughter or my sister.
Alanon would be of tremendous comfort to you, right n ow.
dandylion
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 26
I don't post much because I am just starting on my journey to recovery, and feel like a hypocrite giving advice. But yourABF sounds very much like my AH. I'm torn, because I love my AH very much, but I can promise you, it doesn't get better, it only gets worse.
My AH showed the same signs you see, but I was too blind or naive to realize they were warnings. I blindly married him thinking it was ok, he'd just "grow up" and drink less. 6 years, 1.5 kids later, I'm still waiting. Except now I'm can see the problem, and am trying to figure how to protect my kids and break the cycle of abuse. I love my AH, but I have to love my kids more.
I'm not there yet, and I'm ashamed of that, and I love my family, but there is so much pain and worry and stress. Just some food for thought.
My AH showed the same signs you see, but I was too blind or naive to realize they were warnings. I blindly married him thinking it was ok, he'd just "grow up" and drink less. 6 years, 1.5 kids later, I'm still waiting. Except now I'm can see the problem, and am trying to figure how to protect my kids and break the cycle of abuse. I love my AH, but I have to love my kids more.
I'm not there yet, and I'm ashamed of that, and I love my family, but there is so much pain and worry and stress. Just some food for thought.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 20
Thank you, everyone, for your words of advice. I have just sat down and wrote him a letter. Am I going about this the right way?
"I want you to listen to me really well, and understand what I'm telling you. Drunk driving will not happen in my relationship. Period. IF YOU EVER GET BEHIND THE WHEEL DRUNK AGAIN, I WILL CALL THE POLICE AND HAVE YOU PULLED OVER, AND I WILL LEAVE YOU AND NOT COME BACK. End of story. There will be no, "Baby, I wasn't drunk, I didn't have too much to drive," or "Baby, I'm sorry. I was too drunk to know what I was doing. Please give me a second chance." If you're going to drink enough to feel tipsy or to blow over the legal limit, you'd better have someone hide your keys. Or, make the decision to not drink that much, or not drink at all if you can't make a responsible decision. There will be no sober discussion after the fact; you will find your belongings in front of your apartment door, and the locks to my house changed.
I know I cannot tell you how much you can drink, I can only tell you what I will do because of your irresponsible drinking. If I feel you've had too much to drink and I don't like how you're acting, I will leave. I will hide your keys, and tell you where they are the next morning when you're sober. There will be no alcohol in my house, in my yard, in my garage, or in my driveway. When we go out to a restaurant, we will go in my car and I will drive (he hates being a passenger) because I cannot trust that you won't drink too much to drive me home safely. If you are going to continue drinking the way you do, ensuring that I cannot trust you to behave responsibly, I must have rules in place to protect myself. You have inherited the alcoholism gene from your parents, and I will not enable you. And if your drinking continues to get worse, I cannot promise that I will stay with you. I love you more than anything, but I will not be dragged down by alcoholism."
What do you think?
"I want you to listen to me really well, and understand what I'm telling you. Drunk driving will not happen in my relationship. Period. IF YOU EVER GET BEHIND THE WHEEL DRUNK AGAIN, I WILL CALL THE POLICE AND HAVE YOU PULLED OVER, AND I WILL LEAVE YOU AND NOT COME BACK. End of story. There will be no, "Baby, I wasn't drunk, I didn't have too much to drive," or "Baby, I'm sorry. I was too drunk to know what I was doing. Please give me a second chance." If you're going to drink enough to feel tipsy or to blow over the legal limit, you'd better have someone hide your keys. Or, make the decision to not drink that much, or not drink at all if you can't make a responsible decision. There will be no sober discussion after the fact; you will find your belongings in front of your apartment door, and the locks to my house changed.
I know I cannot tell you how much you can drink, I can only tell you what I will do because of your irresponsible drinking. If I feel you've had too much to drink and I don't like how you're acting, I will leave. I will hide your keys, and tell you where they are the next morning when you're sober. There will be no alcohol in my house, in my yard, in my garage, or in my driveway. When we go out to a restaurant, we will go in my car and I will drive (he hates being a passenger) because I cannot trust that you won't drink too much to drive me home safely. If you are going to continue drinking the way you do, ensuring that I cannot trust you to behave responsibly, I must have rules in place to protect myself. You have inherited the alcoholism gene from your parents, and I will not enable you. And if your drinking continues to get worse, I cannot promise that I will stay with you. I love you more than anything, but I will not be dragged down by alcoholism."
What do you think?
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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If thats how you feel and those are your boundaries then I think its ok to share them with him. Just be prepared for the possibility that he won't like it and may choose to walk away himself.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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Isn't it totally awesome (sarcasm) how RIGHT AWAY in the face of unacceptable behaviour from another person we doubt OURSELVES????????
Originally Posted by GG128 
My BF and I have been together for 8 months, and I'm starting to see things that worry me. I don't have anyone that I can talk to, so I came here.
First off, he's a great guy. He's a great guy even when he's drinking. But once he gets to the point where he's drunk...
We see each other 2-4 nights a week, so I don't know his every night routine. There are nights when we're together that he doesn't drink, so I honestly don't know how much he really drinks. He can drink 3 or 4 beers and be fine, and even often more than that. I don't know where his line is, really. It's not so much the amount he drinks that worries me, it's the behavior he exhibits when he's drunk. He never misses work, and alcohol never interferes with any of his responsibilities. He doesn't have hangovers. It's taken until now for me to wonder if there's something there that I need to keep an eye on. I believe both of his parents have substance abuse issues, but we don't talk about them too much.
A few weeks ago, I got to his apartment after work and he had been on a cleaning and organizing spree, and had been drinking while he was doing it. No biggie. But I could tell he had crossed over into drunk territory. Even then, no problem, he was at home.
The problem began when he picked up his keys and said, "I'm going to the gas station to get some beer," and started walking out the door. I told him he wasn't, he said "then take me" and I said "you don't need any more" and it just escalated from there. I told him that if he got in that truck and drove away, that we were done.
He walked out the door and got in the truck, and backed it up.
I convinced him to get out of the truck only by promising to take him to get more beer. We got back to the apartment, and in 10 minutes, he was passed out on the bed. It was 8:15pm. I tried to wake him up, he just mumbled. I left, but sat outside for an hour to make sure he didn't try to leave.
We spoke about it a few days later, and he said he didn't really remember any of it. I told him that it wasn't acceptable behavior in my relationship.
Two nights ago, I got home from work and he was at my house, working on his truck in my driveway. He had been drinking again. (He loves working on his truck, washing his truck, organizing his work equipment in his truck, and usually always drinks when he does it.) I went inside and took a shower and fixed dinner. We snuggled up in bed to eat dinner and watch a movie, and within 5 minutes, he was passed out asleep. It was 8:45pm.
Then last night, has been my last straw that brought me here. He was at my place again, working on his truck, drinking. I went inside and did my thing, letting him work on what he needed to. I went out a couple of times to chat, but he's not one to listen much when he's drinking. He'll talk and be enthusiastic about wanting to have a conversation, but he just talks, and won't ever LISTEN, and doesn't even make sense most of the time, so I just stopped trying. I went back inside and kept painting. The next thing I know, at 8:10pm, he pulls out of my driveway and drives away.
I was stunned. He didn't even poke his head in to say a word to me, which is NOT like him. I was so angry that I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if he was coming back, where he was going, or what. I didn't text or call him, because I didn't want him to be looking at his phone while he was driving. I went to the recycle bin and counted the empty Corona bottles. There were 8. I don't know how many more he drank, because I think he might have been putting empty bottles back in the case, which he took with him.
I have not heard from him yet, and it is now 1:15 the next afternoon. He could truly be dead in a ditch right now and I would never know. We were supposed to have a really nice and fun date night tomorrow night, but truthfully, he's ruined that, and I don't know if I even can look at him right now. The kicker is, we're supposed to be going on vacation together next month (our first trip together), to Key West, the drinking capital of the world. I've been looking so forward to it, and now I'm scared to go. I know he won't be driving, so drinking isn't a problem, but I'm afraid at this point that I'm now so attuned to tensing up and anticipating his behavior changes that I'm just going to be miserable and we're going to have an awful trip.
I love him more than I've ever loved anyone before (we're 33/34 y/o), and I don't want to be the wife that opens the door to the state troopers telling her that her husband crossed the median while drunk, killing himself and taking the family in the other car with him.
I was married briefly to an alcoholic (the entire relationship from Day 1 to divorce was less than 3 years), and we divorced 7 years ago. I won't marry another one. I don't know if I'm overreacting because of that situation, or if I'm being perfectly reasonable in being this upset.
Please help.
First off, he's a great guy. He's a great guy even when he's drinking. But once he gets to the point where he's drunk...
We see each other 2-4 nights a week, so I don't know his every night routine. There are nights when we're together that he doesn't drink, so I honestly don't know how much he really drinks. He can drink 3 or 4 beers and be fine, and even often more than that. I don't know where his line is, really. It's not so much the amount he drinks that worries me, it's the behavior he exhibits when he's drunk. He never misses work, and alcohol never interferes with any of his responsibilities. He doesn't have hangovers. It's taken until now for me to wonder if there's something there that I need to keep an eye on. I believe both of his parents have substance abuse issues, but we don't talk about them too much.
A few weeks ago, I got to his apartment after work and he had been on a cleaning and organizing spree, and had been drinking while he was doing it. No biggie. But I could tell he had crossed over into drunk territory. Even then, no problem, he was at home.
The problem began when he picked up his keys and said, "I'm going to the gas station to get some beer," and started walking out the door. I told him he wasn't, he said "then take me" and I said "you don't need any more" and it just escalated from there. I told him that if he got in that truck and drove away, that we were done.
He walked out the door and got in the truck, and backed it up.
I convinced him to get out of the truck only by promising to take him to get more beer. We got back to the apartment, and in 10 minutes, he was passed out on the bed. It was 8:15pm. I tried to wake him up, he just mumbled. I left, but sat outside for an hour to make sure he didn't try to leave.
We spoke about it a few days later, and he said he didn't really remember any of it. I told him that it wasn't acceptable behavior in my relationship.
Two nights ago, I got home from work and he was at my house, working on his truck in my driveway. He had been drinking again. (He loves working on his truck, washing his truck, organizing his work equipment in his truck, and usually always drinks when he does it.) I went inside and took a shower and fixed dinner. We snuggled up in bed to eat dinner and watch a movie, and within 5 minutes, he was passed out asleep. It was 8:45pm.
Then last night, has been my last straw that brought me here. He was at my place again, working on his truck, drinking. I went inside and did my thing, letting him work on what he needed to. I went out a couple of times to chat, but he's not one to listen much when he's drinking. He'll talk and be enthusiastic about wanting to have a conversation, but he just talks, and won't ever LISTEN, and doesn't even make sense most of the time, so I just stopped trying. I went back inside and kept painting. The next thing I know, at 8:10pm, he pulls out of my driveway and drives away.
I was stunned. He didn't even poke his head in to say a word to me, which is NOT like him. I was so angry that I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if he was coming back, where he was going, or what. I didn't text or call him, because I didn't want him to be looking at his phone while he was driving. I went to the recycle bin and counted the empty Corona bottles. There were 8. I don't know how many more he drank, because I think he might have been putting empty bottles back in the case, which he took with him.
I have not heard from him yet, and it is now 1:15 the next afternoon. He could truly be dead in a ditch right now and I would never know. We were supposed to have a really nice and fun date night tomorrow night, but truthfully, he's ruined that, and I don't know if I even can look at him right now. The kicker is, we're supposed to be going on vacation together next month (our first trip together), to Key West, the drinking capital of the world. I've been looking so forward to it, and now I'm scared to go. I know he won't be driving, so drinking isn't a problem, but I'm afraid at this point that I'm now so attuned to tensing up and anticipating his behavior changes that I'm just going to be miserable and we're going to have an awful trip.
I love him more than I've ever loved anyone before (we're 33/34 y/o), and I don't want to be the wife that opens the door to the state troopers telling her that her husband crossed the median while drunk, killing himself and taking the family in the other car with him.
I was married briefly to an alcoholic (the entire relationship from Day 1 to divorce was less than 3 years), and we divorced 7 years ago. I won't marry another one. I don't know if I'm overreacting because of that situation, or if I'm being perfectly reasonable in being this upset.
Please help.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 20
If he chooses to leave, then I have to accept that he doesn't love me and that I'll be better off alone than with someone who doesn't love me. I've been alone longer than I've been in relationships, I should be used to it by now.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Out on a MTB trail somewhere
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GG128 if he walks away when you set your boundaries it doesn't automatically mean he doesn't love you. It just means he loves alcohol more bc he is addicted and until he chooses & wants a life with out it he will always love it more than you and anyone else. The point is that sometimes when we set boundaries the A doesn't like it bc those boundaries come between them and the thing they love. My point in saying what I said before was to make sure you were not giving him the letter bc you want to change him bc then it's not really setting boundaries. I hope that makes sense.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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I doubt myself, too. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? But what this thread has taught me is that it doesn't matter if I'm overreacting, that if he loves me and respects me, he will accept what I'm saying and make concessions, and prove that he is not an alcoholic. If he can't do that, then I have my answer. And as much as I love him, I cannot love an alcoholic when he loves the alcohol more than me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Out on a MTB trail somewhere
Posts: 202
Yes you are right if he is not an A and if he is healthy & respects you he will respect your boundary. The big take away is you being strong and loving you and never feeling bad about having the boundaries you have or set.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
The first paragraph is great! Except I would not say you will take his stuff to his apartment door - that's his responsibility - just that you'll leave it outside your house. LEAVE THE CONSEQUENCES FOR THE ALCOHOLIC TO CLEAN UP. Anything else is enabling.
IMHO, the second paragraph needs a lot of work, recovery work, on Your end. I've bolded areas that need more work:
Get to an Al-Anon meeting please. I wish you a great recovery! 
IMHO, the second paragraph needs a lot of work, recovery work, on Your end. I've bolded areas that need more work:
I know I cannot tell you how much you can drink [so don't tell him or try to "feel" when "enough" is, GG], I can only tell you what I will do because of your irresponsible drinking [omit]. If I feel you've had too much to drink and [it's an addiction; he's progressively losing his "ENOUGH" button] [omit all of that except If] I don't like how you're acting, I will leave [in my own car or a bus because we'll drive back separately]. I will hide your keys, and tell you where they are the next morning when you're sober [This one's tough because it's on the edge between enabling on this side, and protecting the public's and his lives on the other side]. There will be no alcohol in my house, in my yard, in my garage, or in my driveway. When we go out to a restaurant, [I will go separately in my car] because I cannot trust you [I omitted a bunch of stuff] . If you are going to continue drinking the way you do, ensuring that I cannot trust you to behave responsibly [omit as codependent], I have [enacted] rules to protect myself. You have inherited the alcoholism gene from your parents, and[omit] I will not enable you [or the alcoholism]. And if your drinking continues to get worse[omit; IT WILL GET WORSE, it's a progressive disease], I cannot promise [omit; replace with "say how long"] I will stay with you. I love you more than anything, but I will not be dragged down by alcoholism [again].
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 20
I didn't hear from him until this afternoon. He came over, essentially told me that everything was my fault and my issue (like I'd anticipated), refused to admit that he had a problem (he "just likes to have fun and relax"). We argued for over an hour, he accused me of trying to control him, wouldn't even attempt to make any sort of compromise with me, and refused to even agree to not drive when he's been drinking excessively. I told him that he was choosing the alcohol over me, he said he was choosing himself (classic alcoholic statement). I said that if he drove out of the driveway that he was choosing to end this relationship. He gathered up everything he had here and put it in the truck. Tried to tell me that "we'd get together and talk about it in a couple of days", and got in the truck and left.
My heart is breaking.
My heart is breaking.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
His first and only love is alcohol. Addicts do not have relationships, they take hostages.
Although you cannot see it right now, he has done you a favor. Let him go, take this time to work on you, to figure out why you keep hooking up with unavailable addicts. There is a reason.
Have you read Codependent No More or been in therapy? Might be a starting point.
I am sorry that you are hurting. Be kind to yourself, you will be ok, this is not the end of the world.
Although you cannot see it right now, he has done you a favor. Let him go, take this time to work on you, to figure out why you keep hooking up with unavailable addicts. There is a reason.
Have you read Codependent No More or been in therapy? Might be a starting point.
I am sorry that you are hurting. Be kind to yourself, you will be ok, this is not the end of the world.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
GG, please get to an Al-Anon meeting as soon as you possibly can. Tonight, tomorrow morning ...
I feel your pain. It too shall pass.
P.S. Please post that whole "classic example" sentence on the Alcoholism forum here or under the Quackers thread; it's so good:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3611970
I feel your pain. It too shall pass.
P.S. Please post that whole "classic example" sentence on the Alcoholism forum here or under the Quackers thread; it's so good:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post3611970
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Originally Posted by GG128
I doubt myself, too. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? But what this thread has taught me is that it doesn't matter if I'm overreacting, that if he loves me and respects me, he will accept what I'm saying and make concessions, and prove that he is not an alcoholic. If he can't do that, then I have my answer. And as much as I love him, I cannot love an alcoholic when he loves the alcohol more than me.
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