lost hope for my marriage, "this is what we got" (long post)

Old 10-05-2012, 06:43 AM
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lost hope for my marriage, "this is what we got" (long post)

After 26 years of marriage and the last 10 years a downward spiral into alcoholism for my RAH, he is now sober, maybe 6 months, maybe a year, to me it seems only 3 months he has some clarity. We are together for these past 6 months after a 2 year separation.

We have no relationship except a somewhat business like inquiry regarding kids activities and financial matters. I take care of both for the most part, except for DS soccer and he brings home the majority of the income. I lost my full time job a few months ago and am doing some part time work for extra income. We managed on RAH salary in the past but when we were separated I got back into the work force full time after being home with our kids for over 10 years. This job lasted 3 years and it was a difficult, growing, painful time for me as RAH was in full throes of addiction, and I forced him to leave our home. I had a hard time getting back into professional mode and handling 3 kids and all the rest of the stuff. The only way we could afford to have his additional rent was for me to be working. We donít have a big fancy house or cars or much extras and I am grateful that I could stay home with my kids all those years and proud of how I managed RAH income so that we have a good life.

I am using part time work now to get myself into another type of work, maybe with some education too that could eventually be full time and also taking time for myself to continue to recover and heal from the past 10 years of turmoil and pain and the past 3 years of being on auto pilot and also from the loss of my job.

Writing this post as another side to post from senseofagoose RAH saying ďthis is what you getĒ and realizing that as RAH and I work our recovery programs and interact with each other we are in our own ways rejecting each other and where we are at and what we got right now.

For me, I am so disappointed about the lack of communication between us and lack of emotional and physical intimacy. Itís not for lack of trying on my part. I have tried to reach out to my RAH in so many different ways and he still rebuffs me and isolates himself. He seems to only have time for work and going to our sonís soccer games.

My recovery is fairly strong and I stay out of RAHís recovery for the most part. There were a couple of times when I thought he was drinking and I calmly questioned him and restated that I was not going to go back to where we were. I do believe he has come close to relapse a couple of times and he truly resents my questioning his odd behavior or when I gently remind him he has an AA meeting when he offers to pick up one of the kids or do some other errand.

My RAH and I use to engage in various activities together; watching movies, going for walks, going out to eat, trying new recipes, we donít do any of that anymore. He will watch, violent, gory or action movies by himself or with our son, he watches sports constantly, something he rarely did during all our years of marriage, he goes out to eat by himself, mostly to grab fast food and he only cooks when I am not going to be at home and he is making something for him and the kids, he used to cook a lot during the past years. Also in the past we probably spent a lot of time, talking about his work and unfortunately I canít do that anymore, mostly because of the lies that surrounded work vs drinking. I also donít go out of my way to do nice things for him, like make him special meals or keep on top of his communicating with the kids. I did this in the past and I have learned that I was not taking care of myself and was minding my RAH business instead of my own. I donít have time to be sane and do some of the things I used to do.

I do try to reach out to him to get more from our relationship, spontaneous hugs and dancing, trying to find time to do things together. He sees this as pushing him.

He has decided he is going to move out again. The way I see it is that he doesnít want to be bothered with having a relationship with me. Now that he is no longer in an alcoholic fog it seems he doesnít like being in our marriage and ďputting upĒ with me. The me who has pretty much held our family together for the past 20 years, managed our lives and kept things going while he brought home a paycheck, was physically here but was not here mentally and emotionally, lied to me and stepped away from our marriage in many different ways. I suppose instead of hope, I should have given up on this and left him, but I didnít.

We now canít afford a second rent and I am not going to put myself on auto pilot to make it work. If he wants to leave now, I consider him sober enough to be consciously choosing to not want to work out our marriage and that he no longer loves me and wants to be with me. I am having some trouble with how I feel about this. In some ways, I am sad, although I think I went through a lot of my sadness already, realizing that we are not the people we were when we got married. I know I had hope that we would have some connection after a period of sobriety and it seems we donít. We tried marriage counseling in the past, but I think RAH was still actively drinking and now that he is not, he doesnít want to pursue it. He holds the past period of separation against me and tells me that I donít go to alanon enough.

I think I am getting good at walking away from being blamed for his outbursts and possible excuses to drinking again and there is just nothing else of me that he wants in his life. I donít even know if I love him because he seems to not be someone I know.

Thanks for ďlisteningĒ to my post. It helps to know that there may be some parts of how I feel the same for others married to RAH. I guess I have come far enough in my recovery to accept that bringing my thoughts and feelings to my RAH falls on deaf ears and Iíve stopped expecting to get different results. I never wanted to end my marriage but maybe I need to accept that it is just a marriage with two people who are not there for each other and it is ended.
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Old 10-05-2012, 06:51 AM
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Thank you for sharing this obviously very difficult story. I think your strength and acceptance will inspire others. I am sorry you are facing such a monumental change, but I think your future still has a lot of happiness and joy in it so I am glad you will be free to accept it when it comes.
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Old 10-05-2012, 07:55 AM
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My A has been abstinate from drinking for 6 months.

Your post mirrors my feelings exactly. "he dosen't want to be "bothered" with me or our relationship." That's exactly how I feel. And it mirrors his behavior in the past, right before he would go MIA on a binge. I don't know if a binge is coming, but I also don't know how long I want to wait to see if his indifference was the alcohol, or if it's just the way he is. I know I want/need/deserve more.
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Old 10-05-2012, 08:47 AM
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Have you consulted an attorney about a legal separation with financial support for you and your children?

The history of your marriage is that your husband is an alcoholic, has been so for at least ten years, which forced you to separate from him for the good of yourself and your children. When you did that you had to go into the work force to survive.

After a two year separation, he got sober for 6 months and you allowed him to move back in. You lost your full time job three months ago and now have only part-time work. And now he wants to leave you. Is all that accurate?

I would consult an attorney as soon as possible. Your husband is going to start drinking again, is my bet. You need legal protections all over the place when that chaos starts.

I know your money is limited but if you have medical insurance, please see your family doctor, tell the doctor about the alcoholism, and see whether insurance will cover some counseling for you and your children. All of you really need it. Families of alcoholics have tremendous pain inside. Don't let your children's smiles fool you otherwise.

Six months dry is but a whisper of sobriety. And without a program, your AH is just white-knuckling. He is on his way to a drink. When he picks up again, things will be very bad. You need to see an attorney and talk about legal separation and protections.

Your husband is sick with addiction. His behavior, in my opinion, and his desire to move out has nothing to do with you, the marriage, or with love. He is sick. He apparently has no recovery program. On his own, the cards are stacked again him getting sober not only physically but mentally and spiritually.

As much as you hurt, I hope you can come to a place of acceptance that his brain is damaged and he is not capable of being your husband right now. Addiction is so deadly serious. Kisses and hugs and dancing will not be the answer.

We are here to support you. But I also suggest you sit in an Al-Anon meeting twice to three times a week if possible. It is much too devastating to handle this all alone. Your thinking will be distorted. Your spirit will turn gray. You need to get yourself some help. You deserve to find your life force again. And your children need a healthy parent.
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Old 10-05-2012, 09:02 AM
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I'm so sorry you find yourself stuck like this dancingnow,

FWIW - EG's post makes a LOT of sense to me & my first instinct was the same. He sounds like he's quit drinking, but for whatever reasons hasn't truly started recovery & fixing all the underlying issues that the alcohol previously masked over.

I hope you work everything out in a way that is best for YOU & your kids.
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Old 10-05-2012, 10:10 AM
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My husband also got sober around six to eight months after I left him. We attempted reconciliation. Thankfully, we did not move back into the same house together, since the reconciliation failed. The reason it failed is because, drinking or not, his behavior was not that of a partner. He was still selfish, immature, and pretty much incapable of being a husband and father. At least the kind of husband and father me and my kids needed.

Whether he's building up for a relapse or not is really immaterial. The question is whether or not he is working toward becoming a participating member of the family. If he is not, then he is a burden rather than an asset, regardless of his income.

Please try to separate your financial decisions from your relationship decisions. Staying with someone because you need his money is a sure way to lose yourself. And I second the suggestion to seek legal counsel. He is required by law to support his children whether you are married or not.

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Old 10-05-2012, 10:18 AM
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Dancing, I agree with Englishgarden about taking measures to protect you and the kids, physically, emotionally and financially right now, please get councel. It does sound like the other shoe is going to drop. Please surround yourself with family, friends, Al-Anon to come along side of you during this time.
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