To Good to Last /Vent
 

I'm here to vent. S has been doing so well. He went to AA tonight and things seemed really good. He was studying for a while and his friend called. One of the conditions of him living at home is that he doesn't go to this particular friends house because it is the "drinking house". He wants to go over there really bad and I can tell he is having cravings. He is normally a sweet kid but when he gets his cravings he gets really obnoxious and no one can tell him anything. I told him I was not stopping him from going but he knows the rules. You can't go there and live here and you can't take the car out at night.

I felt myself getting into a power struggle with him and realized what I was doing. So I stood up and said

1) I will not live with an active alcoholic
2) I will have peace in my home
3) I will not have someone live here who doesn't follow the rules

then I picked up my laptop and walked into my room. I can feel the stress in my chest but I will not cave. I know that it is the cravings and I hope he realizes it.

"I can feel the stress in my chest but I will not cave."

I hope for your and his sake that you do not cave, enabling is not the answer.

Try to enjoy your evening.

I'm going to watch Project Runway and not stress about AS.

I do know that he is testing limits to see how far I will go and if I will give in. There is no way I would have the strength to stand firm had I not found this place. This is such a roller-coaster.

Good job setting boundaries. Be prepared to stick by and enforce them. How old is he, 22?

"This is such a roller-coaster."

I agree, and, I hated the ride, it actually made me physically ill.

Take care, and, know that you are doing the right thing.

He is 21.

I do have a peace. He said I was trying to control him by not giving him money and allowing him to take his car (in my name and I paid for it). I told him I am trying to protect what I have because if he goes out and gets drunk and drives then I will be the one sued. I told him he was welcome to walk out the door if he felt the need to but that he has used his one time to return. Right now he is in his room doing whatever.

Kudos to you for not giving in to his attempts to push your buttons. You are being reasonable, clear, and firm. He might not like it, but that isn't your problem. Congratulations!

Dear Blueskies, I know it feels like the power struggle is between you and him. But, he is engaged in an even bigger power struggle within himself. There is a force (monster dease) that is clamoring to be "fed"---inside him. It is a constant struggle. The disease part of him is going to hate anything that prevents what it craves---and blame you for it.

Don't take it personally (as against you). He doesn't want to drink "against" you---he just has an intense compulsion to drink---and you get in the way.

If you understand this--it takes some of the pressure out of your chest. You can check out the article "The Addict's Delimma" by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. on the website: PsychiatryandWellness.com. That (and his other articles) helped me immensely.

I know, all too well, how hard this is. I think you are doing very well!

Dandylion

I think you did a wonderful job maintaining your boundary! I know how hard that can be sometimes :)

I hope you were able to get some sleep last night!

Thanks everyone for the encouragement. After last night I will have one new boundary. I will not allow someone to live in my house that keeps threatening to move out. The door hasn't moved just be sure to close it behind you.

I actually slept well last night. One day at a time.

When my youngest daughter was getting ready to come home after 16 months in the system (she had run away at age 15), one of my requirements was to make a list of what was acceptable and unacceptable in my home. She had to sign it, and I was encouraged to have a clause in there that clearly stated that I had the right to change, or add to that list at any given moment.

Your recovery is shining through, and I applaud you for adding another boundary for your own sanity. :)

Blueskies,........OMG!......threatening to leave, huh?.......he has just shown you his hand...Big time.

This is proof of how he knows where your buttons are!!! He knows where he can hurt you (if he needs to). It is vital for the alcoholic to know where our buttons are---as they can be used for purposes of m manipulation when the going gets tough for them. They need to use our fears and guilt against us if we should try to stop enabling them.

Helpful tip: Please put this info. into your memory bank for the next time your fear or guilt raises it's head.

He sure wouldn't make a good poker player!:rotfxko

dandylion

Dandylion - when he came home from school today we had another talk. First I reminded him that the last time he said he was leaving I told him that was fine and he left and came back four days later. I also reminded him that I didn't go get him to come back and he knows that if he leaves again he will not be able to come back.

He talked alot with his dad and said that he was having really bad cravings and that is why he acted the way he did. I understand that but he needs to find productive ways to work through the cravings not being a verbal bully. That doesn't work anymore. He has lots more work to do but he is sober and for that I'm thankful. I also have very set boundaries and for that I am also thankful.

Dear Blueskies, I think you are doing a fine job for this early in the game. I totally agree that verbal bullying of ones parents is very unacceptable.

When he is having cravings, etc., calling his sponsor or going to a meeting right away is the best constructive action. Be careful of getting sucked into the therapist role (unknowingly). He is the captain of his ship, now.

Be grateful that you all are going through this at 22yrs.--not 32yrs.,---or 42yrs.

Keep the faith.

dandylion