After Rehab....Advice Please

Old 10-04-2012, 03:10 PM
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After Rehab....Advice Please

Hello,

My recovering alcoholic boyfriend is coming home from rehab on Tuesday (we live together). He has been there for a month and a week. His funding ran out and there are also no available spaces so they are sending him home. I spoke with him and his counselor on the phone today. His counselor feels that he is really strong and will do well. My BF also feels that way. He says he is a changed man and things will be different, i will see that over time. This all sounds good and hopeful BUT I am nervous! I don't know how to handle myself when he gets here. I am worried again, and that’s what i am tired of, the WORRYING ALL THE TIME. The alarms and surprises I have come to know very well. I ultimately want this relationship to work and I know I will need to learn to trust him again should he begin to earn it back. For example, the counselor said I need to support him going to meetings, which I do…however in the past he has told me was going to a meeting, only to come home drunk. So I really want him to go to meetings, but when he does I am left wondering if he is really there. How to I get rid of the knot in my stomach during thee situations…how do I navigate these situations?
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Old 10-04-2012, 03:14 PM
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i forgot to mention he will be going to outpatient therapy 2-3 times a week and they suggest he go to AA every day for the next 90 days.
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Old 10-05-2012, 03:39 AM
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I remember that same feeling. My answer to navigating (like Titanic would know!) through this is Al-Anon meetings for YOU as soon as possible. Try different groups and at least six meetings. The literature is great. Pick up free pamphlets. Get the books How Al-Anon Works, One Day at a Time and Courage to Change. Start working a program for YOU and YOUR recovery. The disease infects those closest to the A.

What he has to do for his recovery is to get his mind to arrest and unhook from the alcohol. What you have to do for YOUR recovery is to arrest and unhook from your obsession over controlling and monitoring him. That's codependency. He has had his hands wrapped around the bottle, and you have had your hands wrapped around him with it.

You have to learn to keep your mind off his meetings, his recovery and what he does during his recovery activities. His mind, NOT YOURS, has to be on it. His recovery is NOT YOUR JOB, otherwise it's not recovery. Your job is YOUR recovery from the effects of this family/relationship disease on your behavior, the resulting codependency.

What you have to do is to keep your mind on your side of the street, and to let him worry about his side. You want him to stop drinking and go do something better, right? Isn't that what you want from him? It's kind of the same thing for you.

"Stop and go" onto your side of the street. "I wonder if he's really at a meeting tonight or if he's drinking, trying to get drugs or some substitute instead? STOP Sb1!! That's going onto his side of the street. GO onto mine, Sb1. GO back to my side. GO, back to my TV show or an engrossing, interesting or important activity. Nagging worry is still coming up, damn it. STOP. Remember, I can't control the future or his side of the street. Accept it. I CAN control my Now and myself though. GO, I CAN call my sponsor. GO, I CAN pick up that Al-Anon book on my end table and I can read a page from the index list on 'Detachment' or 'Boundaries' or the Slogan 'Let Go.' GO, I CAN reach out to someone on SR or a friend who is a newbie or having some issue. GO, I CAN do the next right thing, anything."

In other words, STOP the obsessive, codependent, alcoholically diseased thought; and GO substitute it with an immediate "clean" command and corresponding positive behavior right away on your side of the street. If he's really working his program, it'll be obvious from his actions. Let him alone to either recover or crash. You stay on your side of the guardrail (your boundaries).

Get to an Al-Anon meeting. Read the codependency threads (search) and stickies on this Forum and the F&FSA one next door.

Don't worry, be happy.
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Old 10-09-2012, 06:20 AM
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I am late posting this reply, but i just want to say Thank You Titanic. Thanks for taking the time to write this thoughful reponse. Your advice has been tremndously helpful and has help to put my mind at ease. I am staying on my side of the street
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Old 10-09-2012, 06:34 AM
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My AH was released from every rehab with a very specific program. They advised 90 meetings in 90 days, an individual counselor, an AA sponsor with whom to work the steps, and being busy 8 hours a day with job or volunteering. He was able to get some sobriety under his belt, but was never able to meet these minimum expectations and relapsed again and again. We are separated today.

In the meantime, however, I used his good times to focus on myself, get out and do things I wanted to do, get myself to therapy sessions (which is saving me now during these early days of separation), and focus on getting myself together. While I'm sad today, my world isn't crumbling, and it's because I took that time for myself.

Whatever anyone else says, our challenge is to make sure that we are capable of happiness regardless of what anyone else does or doesn't do. We can't depend completely on others for our livelihoods. That might mean finding a way to be financially independent, or to develop hobbies and interests independent of our SOs, or to have outlets away from the drama. It means a lot of different things. I'm honestly much more happy with him not living here. Before I was always anticipating the next crisis. Now I'm just living my life, and the only people I'm responsible for are myself and my children.
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