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Falling short working my recovery

Old 10-04-2012, 03:54 PM
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Falling short working my recovery

Ah and I met with a second marriage counselor today. It went about the same as the other meetings. We have so much water under the bridge and he accused me of never being able to forgive him. To which I said that he seems to be confusing forgiveness with trust.

I think he expected something from me when he came back from Vegas, he won't specify so I won't assume. He says he apologized and has been to 1 AA meeting. He said he's not buying my new spiritual crap and that I obviously am not working it very hard because I still walk around all angry.

So, I have to agree in some respect. Yes, I'm still angry, there are layers to mt anger and I'm working hard at peeling my way through them. He called me up drunk just a week ago, and proclaimed he was done drinking and I'm not sure what he wants from me? Then the therapist wants us to work on validating each other's feelings. Well, that's going to be hard because we don't talk to each other anyway!

I have been having a bad week. Just feeling discouraged in my program. Not ready to end things yet. The therapist asked me to commit to 90 days of working with my AH and with him to see where things are at that point. I admitted to them both that I am on the fence. Sigh, I guess I could just use some encouragement today. My AH made it seem like he was the victim of my issues and I pretty much did the same. Not doing a good job of acceptance or seeing the positive. I got really angry when he started ragging on my family and how my family is OK with divorce and that they are all feeding my mind with divorce support! Ugh, not really. My family is a wonderful sounding board and that's where it ends. They've never counseled me to divorce, ever!
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Old 10-04-2012, 05:32 PM
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Acceptance is tough. Something I've read on this forum may help in that regard.

You keep saying you are not ready to leave. But, I haven't once heard you say you are *choosing* to stay. That is what you are doing, you know. Maybe if you start telling yourself you are choosing to stay, rather than telling yourself you are not ready to leave, it will be easier to accept.

You know what you've got, you know who he is, how he behaves, how he treats you. Yet, you are choosing to stay. So, don't you think being angry at him about it is just a little unfair? It is your choice, after all.

L
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Old 10-04-2012, 07:25 PM
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Actually, I think my anger is more at myself for not working on acceptance enough. For thinking I accept things as they are, yet getting angry at myself for not working harder at improving myself and my situation.

Yes, you are 100% correct, I am choosing to stay. I guess I'm just trying to figure out where I'm dropping the ball and what I can work on to get to a point where I have peace and serenity, no matter what the outcome of our marriage. I think that's where I'm stuck: looking for peace and most likely looking in the wrong places. At this point I don't know my head from my a**, I'm so mixed up and I'm doing it to myself.
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Old 10-04-2012, 08:21 PM
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Honestly, I would be shocked if you weren't angry. I went through the exact same manipulation with my XAH during marriage counseling. It turned me into a giant ball of fury. I was so pissed off at how swiftly he turned the tables and suddenly it was all my fault. Holy crap did I want to explode.

But the reality was... He was just being an alcoholic. He was too steeped in denial (and Jim Beam) to see his part.

So I had a choice - I could keep subjecting myself to repeated attempts to get him to see (and agree) with my point of view or I could chose to move towards the life I really wanted.

Don't stuff the anger. Let it out and feel it. Use it to motivate you.
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Old 10-04-2012, 08:23 PM
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Ps. You're confused because you keep looking for logic and reason... From an unrecovered alcoholic.

Stop listening to his words... Watch his actions. I bet your head will spin a whole lot less.
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Old 10-04-2012, 09:12 PM
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Time is on your side. Think about what's behind the anger. Is it more frustration about all of it coming together at one time and feeling unprepared and unsure? Keep an open mind. Relax into acceptance.

Peace
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Old 10-05-2012, 12:16 AM
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If you do not want to leave and do not want to work on the marriage relationship maybe you should take that 90 days to table that issue and just focus on yourself - not that decision, not ah, not marriage counseling. Call a time out, continue with your own therapy etc. Would he leave you alone to do that? Can you live in a truce like that to take some time to figure out what your inner voice is saying to you. I'm not sure I could have. It is to hard for me to look back even now and know if I could have. I waited to long to address my own issues.

On a personal note anger nearly swallowed me when I was trying to figure out a way to tolerate and accept what was fundamentally unacceptable to me. I could accept that my husband was an alcoholic and wasn't going to change. I was not accepting myself. I wasn't listening to my inner voice. I was at war and mad with myself for not just dealing with it and was filled with rage at my husband for putting me in that position. Everything he did made my blood boil. I was as mad at myself for not figuring out how to be ok with it as I was at him for doing it.
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Old 10-05-2012, 06:28 AM
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Originally Posted by GettingBy View Post
Ps. You're confused because you keep looking for logic and reason... From an unrecovered alcoholic.

Stop listening to his words... Watch his actions. I bet your head will spin a whole lot less.
AMEN!

i wanted to say this so badly.....thanks for saying it


Liz, I am sorry you are going through all of this...you will find your ENOUGH IS ENOUGH when it is time....
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Old 10-05-2012, 06:40 AM
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Dear LIZ, I think there is a lot to learn from Thumper's experience. Her post deserves a lot of re-reading, in my opinion.

I have posted this to you many times: "When does change come about?--When the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of changing."

The status quo of your comfort zone will not always remain stable. Alcoholism is progressive over time; character disorders do not " self-correct" on their own;the crippling wounds from our childhood do not evaporate without intensive self-work.

Co-dependent persons, like alcoholics, also will reach their bottom---if something does not change in the interim.

LIZ, have you ever thought of what your bottom might look like?

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Old 10-05-2012, 07:50 AM
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Hi Liz,

((((hugs))))

I was in the same boat. My issue was at the time I was stuck. I knew I couldn't live the way I was living but I wasn't yet at a point where I knew what the next right step for me was.

I wanted to stay but I couldn't stand living with her the way she was.
I wanted her to get better but I had no more trust.
I didn't want to live but I felt like I couldn't stay.

Give it time and open yourself up to YOUR choices, YOUR possibilities and what YOU want out of life. As they say in the rooms, more will be revealed so take it easy on yourself.

Your friend,
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Old 10-05-2012, 10:25 AM
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I just wanted to add - that war in my head played a big role in the overwhelming and suffocating confusion I was feeling. I understand your confusion right now.
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Old 10-05-2012, 12:13 PM
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He said he's not buying my new spiritual crap and that I obviously am not working it very hard because I still walk around all angry.
He's focusing on you and the faults he perceives in you because if he can get you to blame yourself, then maybe you won't blame him.

The therapist asked me to commit to 90 days of working with my AH and with him to see where things are at that point.
That is fascinating to me, that any therapist would say that to the spouse of an actively drinking alcoholic. The therapists I've seen who have experience of alcoholism usually put that burden on the alcoholic and say, "I need you to commit to going to 90 meetings in the next 90 days. After that, we will talk."
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Old 10-05-2012, 01:07 PM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
He's focusing on you and the faults he perceives in you because if he can get you to blame yourself, then maybe you won't blame him.


That is fascinating to me, that any therapist would say that to the spouse of an actively drinking alcoholic. The therapists I've seen who have experience of alcoholism usually put that burden on the alcoholic and say, "I need you to commit to going to 90 meetings in the next 90 days. After that, we will talk."
I found that fascinating, too. It's no wonder then that AH really likes this guy instead of the recovering alcoholic who was the other therapist we went to. I think they homed in on me because I revealed that I'm sitting on the fence so the therapist must think that he needs me to commit to something since AH is totally on board with making our marriage work. The one word that the therapist gave us to work with/between us is 'validation'. He wants us to validate each other's feelings. No problem there, I'm great at validating, unfortunately AH and I don't really talk about our feelings and we told this guy this fact, too, and yet he still stuck with 'validation'. Got me? I'm just going along with it for now, as I continue to work through some of my own things; figuring out what I really want and need and fixing some financial stuff, too.
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Old 10-05-2012, 04:02 PM
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LIZ, therapy without honesty is nothing more than a sham. This is just manipulation of the therapist.

Another reason why marital therapy is contraindicated with active alcoholism and abuse.

More harm than good.

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Old 10-05-2012, 04:17 PM
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For me, anger was/is a huge part of me working on myself.
Anger with myself, him, the jar I couldn't open, the world, the table that jumped in front of me when I stubbed a toe..

I just go with the anger, don't try to downplay it and then be done with it.
Holding anger inside is not healthy.
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Old 10-05-2012, 04:22 PM
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It seems to me like the addict is also always the victim.

And the sad part is, everyone really does believe them. YOU are causing the problems, YOU don't want to work it out, YOU want to get divorced.

DENIAL!

I would get so mad when my ABF would lie to make me look bad, and we would argue about it for hours. Now, I still get angry, but his friends and family, they all know the truth. They know what he is really about now. They are starting to see all the BS that I see all the time.

Do what you want. Who cares what he wants? It's YOUR life.
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Old 10-06-2012, 07:18 AM
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Originally Posted by AlcoholicLove View Post
For me, anger was/is a huge part of me working on myself.
Anger with myself, him, the jar I couldn't open, the world, the table that jumped in front of me when I stubbed a toe..

I just go with the anger, don't try to downplay it and then be done with it.
Holding anger inside is not healthy.
I understand. Honestly, I've been more depressed lately than I have been angry for the past 2 days now. I stubbed my toe and it made me cry instead of angry at the chair leg, lol! Oh well, it's almost 6:30 am and I'm going to a neighbor's to help set up for a charity garage sale at her home. I'm looking forward to just contributing, maybe going out and getting some donuts, and spending quality time with some friends.
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Old 10-06-2012, 02:58 PM
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That crying arises from a feeling of helplessness, of not managing or being on top of all this chaos, of a bunch of things not working out the way that you wanted them to, doesn't it?

Step 1, then 2, then 3 ...

Peace & find me some historic treasure priced under $5 in that garage!
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