Rollercoasters
 

My feelings are all over the place. I keep going from sitting in the office on the verge of tears, to spitting mad, to resigned confidence that I'm doing the right thing. I feel sorry for myself, then I feel like I'm so strong and I can do anything. Last night I felt really good, but so tired. Today I'm anxious and edgy and dreading going home to be alone with the kids all night (they are good and amazing kids, both of them, but I am exhausted).

A few days ago I had a long talk with my 13yo son about what's going on. He's devastated to find out that "a drinking problem" is why his stepdad is not living with us and that he might not be back. He saw his stepdad (my AH) as more of a father to him than his real father. Knowing that between my ex and my AH I chose two unavailable men to break my kids' hearts over and over is crushing.

I've made so many choices in my life that felt good and healthy and safe at the time that turned out to be terrible.

I had two more family members call me about this trip, begging me to come (prior thread, big family trip that has been in the works for 6+ months, and I cancelled -- everyone else is going without me), totally not understanding why I wouldn't want to leave my 1yo with a relapsing alcoholic and his two biggest enablers for three days. They both kept asking, "Do you really think she wouldn't be safe?" The question of safety alone was enough for me to say, you know what, it's not worth it. Saying it out loud made me realize how crazy the situation is.

My mom, codependent herself, was trying to cajole and control me into still going because she doesn't want to tell her family that she and her life aren't perfect. It's crazy-making, and makes me feel like a kid that can't trust her own instincts.

Still I'm really sad I had to choose not to go. It was a once in a lifetime thing. But the timing was terrible -- I couldn't find anyone else on such short notice to watch the baby, and my AH and his enabling parents were out of the question.

Trying to take care of myself. Trying to make sure I'm well-rested and eating, but it's hard. Lost ten pounds in two weeks. I was feeling really good and stable at first, but my resolve is faltering. I could use some support and experience today.

HALT? Are any of those 4 triggers at play?

Allay Hunger with healthy food - maybe go more Easy Does It on, regulate better the "diet-by-situation"? Angry because of having to miss the trip or being treated poorly by a "codie," or because of something else? What is the primary emotion behind the anger? Use one of the Al-Anon tools on the anger. Breathe deeply. Think. Let Go.

Lonely? Get to a meeting, phone your sponsor or a member-friend, do some service work by phone or online, enjoy doing something fun with the kids or a friend, etc. Tired? Find someone who can watch the kids so you can take time to nap, rest, walk outside, read at library, do yoga, or veg as soon as possible. Get to bed early.

Feelings aren't facts. What are the facts? Be aware of and acknowledge the feelings as such. Accept that you have them, but that you can change attitudes within. Set aside, release, let go of the feeling.

You made two courageous decisions in your life to spare your kids from more living with alcoholism that you caused NEITHER TIME! Your priorities are straight, protecting your baby and kids. We know. You know. You deserve a medal. And in time, you will get it.

More will be revealed. This too shall pass.

:)

Florence,

I think I hold a ticket for myself and my kids at the same "not so amusing" amusement park. I would really like off this ride now!

You can do it, it feels like you don't have a choice but you make the choice daily by getting up and moving forward.

You want to feel better? Make your kids laugh. That is what works for me. Talk to them and ask them what they want to do and do it with them. Sometimes my kids want nothing more than to have me sit with them and watch Scooby Doo. Do it and try to be really in the moment. Watch their faces doing what ever it is they asked you to do with them. I don't know about you, but my kids were the real reason I left. Watch them and remember why you made the choices you made and that they were the right choices.

I understand how you feel. I keep getting blow after blow from the ex. My head doesn't feel like it can take it anymore. And you have to keep going home and smiling and making it OK for your kids. I believe that one day we will get the lives we are hoping for, we just have to keep going through the "funhouse" and we will finally come out the other side.

Thinking of you,
4MyBoys

Hugs Florence. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks...if its right for you, you're doing the right thing.

Hang in there,
~T

Hang in there Florence. Thinking of you.

C-

Florence, thank you for sharing your story and feelings. You described my day-to-day perfectly to a tee. I don't have kids but am going through a divorce and it can be all consuming with time, energy, thoughts, emotions.

How are you doing Florence? I hope better than earlier today. :)

Eh, I'm all over the place. This whole trip situation is a reminder of how addiction and dysfunction thrive due to denial and ignorance.

When it gets hard I keep thinking that maybe I should invite him home and we will figure things out. Then I think about what the last few years have been like, re-read my old posts here, and remember that the reality is much different than the fantasy. Acceptance is my mantra today. This is what it is.