SparkleKitty

I am so sorry you are going through this. One thing at a time. Wishing you much strength and courage.

ZiggyB

I am sorry too - I'm wishing you the strength and the courage to get through this.

Tuffgirl

Very good advice, indeed. There is also the option of doing nothing right now. Doing nothing is also doing something. And doing nothing doesn't mean you are in denial, it simply means you are giving this some time to see if this man (emphasis on man, he is a grown up after all) can get a grip on his addiction himself. And buys you some time to think everything through clearly and make your own plans.

Phigment

Wow, I could be you...or...you could be me. I just seemed to have this knack for finding hiding spots, maybe it's the bloodhound in me =)

Sadly I'm finally getting to this point. No matter how many bottles I find, how many times I threaten to leave (and actually have once), how many times I tell myself, "If he loved me and our relationship was important enough, he'd stop." I'm seeing that it won't stop him.

No matter how many times I tell myself that I'm crazy for, and should stop, constantly looking through recycle bins or anywhere else I think I'll find a hidden stash, I eventually find myself doing it again. My counselor told me it's a "Gotcha Game", if I can find the bottles....AHA! I gotcha, I knew you were drinking!, and I need to stop playing the game.

How were you finally able to hang up your 'Deputy Dog' badge and stop looking? I know it's not fun for me and I can only imagine it's really a pain for him having someone always on his back. Are you still with the person? I'm trying really hard to understand how, or if, I'd be able to just suck it up and acknowledge that he's an alcoholic and his right to drink is more important than my right to sanity, serenity, and/or happiness.

fedup3

I not only hung my badge up but I got out of Dodge.

I divorced him a year ago after 39 yrs of marriage and now have been in therapy for over a year and for the unforeseen future. I would say the last 10 yrs of our marriage it became so bad with verbal, physical abuse that it came to a point that if I didn't leave I would be the one who died not him. Remember alcoholism is a progressive disease. Mike and I seem to use this saying "when the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving" you know it's time to leave.

Lynnrae2

I cant give advice on relapse, because, I am not there. But, keep reading the posts and keep posting. I have only been here for a few days, but all the people here are so good at giving advice.

this site is very good for the healing.

Stay strong and do stand your ground. Do not go back into denial!!!!!

redatlanta

Florence - I don't think he is in a manic state. He is BPII - his mania is insomnia and irritability. He is not irritable in fact has been in a great mood lately. Having sleeping issues but not the norm when the BP comes into play. That can be day or two straight with no sleep . This is interrupted sleep - an hour or two then waking up. More anxious than normal is one thing I have noticed.

Still cant find the liquor. That's more for my piece of mind than about showing it to him. Then I started wondering if he is drinking mouthwash. Seems unlikely yet, hmmm...I guess it would hide the smell? I wish I knew he was I would put some Ipecac in it so he might think twice about drinking it again. Not really but the thought did put a small smile on my face for a moment. I put a tiny tiny mark on the mouthwash just to see.

I came home to my normal hug and kiss and chit chat about going to a Braves game. So normal. Just sad.

Titanic

Remember, measuring the level was the next marker of codependency! You can still quit before the obsession grows. Keep feeding the stray cat and it will keep coming back. Same for him with booze. That's why we call it a FAMILY disease.

All of this is said with compassion, encouragement and hope for your family. Please get to Al-Anon meetings.

Lynnrae2

Great advice fed up......I just learned something. Alcohol is progressive. I guess I knew this but after reading it just now it clicked and so much of my story now makes sense.

love the quote you added on at the end also.

thanks for sharing that.

Cyranoak

Something to consider, and I mean this in a helpful way becasue what I'm asking you applies to me too (except with women rather than men), is to examine a certain thing about yourself-- what about you is attracted to a man like him and is that a problem? More specifically, if I said to you that there was somebody I wanted you to meet who I think is good boyfriend/husband material, and I described him as below, what would you say to me?

"Redatlanta, I know this great guy named Jeff that you absolutely must meet! Jeff has been sober for 5 years after after his alcoholism caused him health issues to the point that he would die if he didn't stop. He has chronic pancreatitis and is an insulin dependent diabetic. He also has a host of other issues, is bi-polar II as well as having an anxiety disorder and OCD. He does not attend AA, he did for 3 years and stopped."

Take care,

Cyranoak

FenwayFaithful

Hi,
I am so sorry for all you’ve been through.
I feel it’s important to tell you no matter how much “proof” and “evidence” you find you will NOT get him to admit to it! He’ll still lie it away & try and find a way to steer you away from the truth. Addicts are VERY good at that. It’s seriously amazing what they get you to believe! Looking back I can’t believe the lies my ex convinced me of but he was just SO good at it! They know how to play off your emotions and manipulate. It’s seriously like magic.
It sounds like your husband has a great deal of problems which he isn’t really dealing with and it’s very possible he’s self-medicating. But HE needs to be the one to commit to dealing with his mental issues. You can’t do that for him. It doesn’t sound like he’s in any kind of active therapy or recovery program right now? For that reason it doesn’t surprise me that he’s drinking and using again….
But honestly enough about him because you cannot change or control his behavior. By the way his behavior at the black tie event—turning it back around on you, saying you were the drunk one, etc that is also classic addict behavior. They love to turn the attention away from themselves and onto you when they feel backed into a corner.
You can keep questioning him and trying to find evidence but he’s just going to keep pushing you away and denying everything until he has some reason or desire to tell you.
I strongly recommend you go to Al- Anon I think you will find a great amount of support there from other women who are going through what you are. The most important thing you can remember is you didn’t cause this, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it.
I used to search through my boyfriends apartment when he was at work and there were a couple of times I found needles or coke and he'd ALWAYS say they belonged to a friend he let stay there come up with some big elaborate story and would start going on and on about how he'd NEVER use and he was SO against that & how could I think he'd do that and didn't I know how important I was to him? I got a hold of his pay stub and a police report from a crime he insisted he didn't commit both of which contained damning evidence of his drug use & guilt but he still managed to explain that away. You have all the signs you need, and you KNOW he's drinking. I've learned that if you think an addict/alcoholic is using 9 times out of 10 you're right.
But the important thing here is what are YOU going to do. What's best for you? Don't expect him to come clean. You already have all the answers.

Hopeworks

Hi Redatlanta,

Why? Why? Why?

It is a baffling and insane disease and defies logic.

I have alcohol free boundaries and when I found the "evidence" in a empty vodka bottle I drove to where he was and picked him up and took him straight to rehab which was our agreed upon relapse prevention plan. He got out of the car and kept walking past the doorway to the nearest bar! He eventually got sober and 6 months later of doing great he talked me into moving in with him in HIS dream home in a huge golf community.

I actually wanted to live on the ocean and he wanted a golf community! He got his dreams to come true... had me back and a gorgeous home surrounded by 500 holes of incredible golf! 10 days later he relapsed and I booted him again... why? Why? Why?

There is simply no explanation other than they want to drink. And most... eventually drink... again. Even when it causes catastrophe, chaos, crisis, pain, suffering, arrests and yes... even death.

So don't feel like this is unique or unusual... it's not. Sadly.

But I am proud of how well and wisely you are dealing with this... do find an alanon meeting and if you haven't read the "stickies" they are a great start to finding out where you want to be in this uncertain future.

As for my XA he slid down the slippery slope and got sober again and then relapsed again and he is for the moment ... sober. Hanging on by a thread but not drinking today... so sad.

Fortunately he is captaining his own roller coaster and I got off back in February and will NOT be getting back on the crazy train.

Hoping yours is a happier ending but remember... plan a, b and c are a good thing and more will be revealed. Time will tell and may you find your way out and back into a life of peace, serenity and trust.

amooseoncebitmysister

So so sorry.

I went through nosework/bottle-sleuthing, but for years - it was a baaaad obsession, and pointless and a waste of time, I now know.

One of the outpatient family counselors I saw said "Don't worry about hard evidence, it will become factually apparent quickly; that is the nature of alcoholism."

He was so right! In the space of 2 weeks (from when I first wondered), it went from a hint of alcohol and slight slur/change in speech, to fully passed out in a chair with half of a bottle of vodka clutched in limp hands.

My obsession with *him* and his drinking exactly mirrored the trajectory of his own disease, for years. I'm so glad I'm out of that rut, even though I am newly out of it!

I hope you can avoid succumbing to the obsessive temptation of bottle-detecting; it sounds like you are in a (relatively) good place. I wish you peace and serenity, for you deserve it!

redatlanta

I did spend some time reading through the al anon site last night. At first I didn't think it was really applicable to me. It focuses more on me than on the issues on him - I believe I read that you don't talk about your partner and their issues you talk about your own. I thought "I need some place to go to tell me what to do, what's happening, why, how I can help its not me with the issues"

Then I woke up in night and started thinking. As several on here have pointed out - Jeff has a lot of issues. Some not his fault, some I didn't know some he didn't know when we moved in. No, I didn't understand the enormity of how sick he was with the pancreatitis. The first year we were together was hellacious and much effort to change things and habits (eating) to lessen his pancreatic issues. Many trips to the hospital - all the while mood swings due to mis diagnosed depression which was actually BP. That is thankfully managed well.

Bt now this. I am pissed off now. Regardless of Jeff's decision not to attend AA or the like he did go through the program for way more than 3 years. The big book is sitting on his desk. I know that when he said to me that he thought he could drink socially that the disease was active again. I knew it then but more importantly HE KNEW IT THEN. I am starting to see that the word "disease" to me has meant something uncontrollable. I have sympathized and I think that is ok but its not when sympathy crosses the line of making excuses. Its not my job to make sure Jeff is ok - I have a job already. I shouldn't have to leave work and come home and "manage" Jeff's issues which we both do at about a 70% (me) and 30% (him) split.

I am not looking for bottles anymore. I don't care. I know what I know. And I am not saying anything to him at this point. Not one word. All that will do is bring a sh** storm of argument in my home.

Jeff used to often say "do you know where (untreated) alcoholics end up? Jail or dead". So he knows WAY better than me where this is headed. He is a dry drunk (or was). I didn't understand that terminology for the longest time but now I do. I know that in order for him to start drinking he has lost his higher power. It will only get worse.

For me I am headed to al anon today. I don't need anyone to tell me what to do to help Jeff because I finally get it I CAN"T HELP JEFF. Only Jeff can help Jeff. But I do need help for myself to lessen the guilt that I feel. Not about what is happening now - I don't in ANY way feel this is my fault - but rather what I know will happen to Jeff in the future. When it comes down to it (and it will) if Jeff decides while walking this path not to get help I need to be strong and get him out of my life even though I know what it could mean to him. I am not there right now.

redatlanta

Cyranoak - When we met we lived in different states and it remained long distance until he moved to Atlanta with me. I didn't know he was bi-polar, he didn't know. Nor did I know he had OCD (which drives me way more crazy) nor did I know he was an insomniac. I knew nothing about alcoholism. Of course I knew what it was - I knew he had been sober for many years. There is no alcoholism or addiction in my family. I do remember thinking about relapse and what would happen if he did. But knowing he had chronic pancreatitis, that he had been through 2 major surgeries, and that he had been told that if he ever drank again it would kill him - was enough for me to believe that would not be an issue.

So why or what is it about me that I would take this on? Naive, simply ignorant to the enormity of his problems. As they say you don't really know someone until you live with them. Along with his "issues" the flip side is he is a great guy loving, supportive, we are best friends, very compatible, same likes, and genuinely enjoy each other. And he has decided to flush it down the toilet. What an idiot.

Titanic

May I suggest that, at the meeting, you pick up a paperback copy of How Al-Anon Works. Great on all the relevant issues. Read Chapter 32.

All the best.

Titanic

You swap out the "Gotcha Game" for the "It's My Life" game - you focus on your life, not his.

You swap out the "Deputy Dawg" badge for the "Mighty Dog" badge - taking care of yourself and your kids mightily.

The swap meets occur in the Al-Anon program and meetings!