leafof3

For the parents out there... Were/are you very ANGRY at your son/daughter for their abuse and demise? My parents are ridiculously so...which I understand to a point. I just don't see how it helps and I feel like they should work hard to get past it. It has been 10 years, but addicts are not made overnight and they do take time to heal. I feel like we should bind together and be strong for him and empower him with a love that will NOT give up. Its weird because I am in charge of this whole thing and I feel like maybe I should not be. I can't help it though, I love my brother and am a fixer.

leafof3

In their defense though they have fervently tried in the past...it always seems to fly back in their faces. I know they hurt and I feel like it may be a defense mechanism. It is just super hard talking to my dad about this because he has basically written him off as dead...and it KILLS me to hear him talk like that. My parents love him dearly, they are just so sick over this whole thing.

HopefulmomtoD

I don't think its healthy to hold on to anger, but think its fine to detach with love. As you've said, they tried for a long time.

I can't imagine writing my RAS off as dead ever, but can imagine a time if he goes back to drinking of not being as involved in his life. I think everyone has different defense mechanisms to help them get through difficult things and some are more healthy than others.

Titanic

Addicts do take time to heal. Yes, your parents would be better off if they worked hard on their own recovery. Family members can't cure or control the alcoholism or the A. Even a love that won't give up isn't enough and, if not a love that is detached, could make things worse. Best thing is for you to tend to your own recovery through Al-Anon, and that may inspire one or more of them to pursue their own recovery.

" All of these supporting roles [that family members play] work together to maintain a balance in which the alcoholic can continue to play his or her role with as little discomfort as possible. Thus, when any member of this alcoholic circle stops playing his or her part, the entire group is affected.

CHANGING THE PART WE PLAY IN THE FAMILY DISEASE
" This is why the most helpful and most loving action any family member can take is to get help for ourselves. By recovering from the effects of the disease, we become able to stop playing our part in the family disease. The balance is disrupted. Suddenly it is no longer comfortable for the alcoholic. While he or she may continue to receive the loving support of the recovering family member, the disease is left unsupported. It is as if a group of four stood in a [cold] river, getting drenched while holding the alcoholic over their heads to keep him or her dry, and eventually one member of the group refused to continue to hold up his or her end. The entire system would collapse and, as a result, the alcoholic would get wet. Without others to remove the painful consequences of his or her actions, the alcoholic may become so uncomfortable that he or she chooses to pursue recovery. Likewise, other family members and friends may recognize how much they have been affected by the family disease and seek help for themselves. But there are no guarantees. While health in one person frequently inspires health in those around him or her, it doesn't always work that way. Sometimes the alcoholic simply finds a way to adapt, creating a new system to support the disease." How Al-Anon Works, page 32.

leafof3

That actually makes a lot of sense. I am becoming more and more interested in going to some Al-anon meetings. I did not realize it was also set up for family and friends. Its weird how an idea will come up and it will all of a sudden be everywhere you look. I think it is time I take the idea seriously. Maybe while I work on getting help for myself my brother will feel supported or inspired. Maybe he won't, but at least I will gain more insight and understanding. It sounds like a super program.