BlueSkiesAgain

I know I have always heard and read that alcoholism is a disease but it never stuck. My mother died of cancer when I was a child to me that was a disease. My dad was an alcoholic I never saw it as a disease.

Since dealing with my alcoholic son and reading this board one of the things that stuck out was that alcoholism is a disease. My son didn't choose this disease he inherited it. Once realizing my son didn't choose to be an alcoholic I was able to really feel compassion for him. The other day I was able to tell him that I now understand that he has a disease but just like if he were to have cancer I would expect him to do the treatment recommended I expect the same for him as an alcoholic.

MycoolFitz

Well I believe it is and taught a class on it but everyone has their thoughts so I just say dis-ease' Peace

suki44883

The other day I was able to tell him that I now understand that he has a disease but just like if he were to have cancer I would expect him to do the treatment recommended I expect the same for him as an alcoholic.

Bravo!

And therein lies the difference. I don't know if alcoholism is a disease or not but it really doesn't matter to me. If there is a way to put that disease into remission, and they refuse to do it, then they have to face the consequences.

Sometimes we read here that it is wrong to step away from an addict because it's a disease and we wouldn't step away from someone who had cancer, would we? Well, if someone had cancer and was emotionally or physically abusive...if they stole from you, if they cheated on you, or any of the other things addicts are known to do, would the fact that you think addiction is a disease make all that okay? No, not in my mind it wouldn't.

It sounds like you have your head on straight about addiction. There is a road to remission, but if he refuses to take it, then he will have to face the consequences.

tomsteve

i am glad you see it as a disease,however, having expectations that he will treat it like cancer could lead to disappointment. it is a disease that tells us we dont have a disease, everythings allright. keep on drinkin. it is a liar, but sometimes we have to take some very hard knocks to get it. i hope and pray yer son can see that there are poeple that have been in his shoes, have gotten out, and are more than willing to help him do the same.

BlueSkiesAgain

tomsteve - my son is very early in his recovery but he is attending AA and and seeing a private addictions counselor. We are taking it one day at a time and the more I learn the more I understand my son but even more so the more I realize that I can only change me and son has to do what he needs to do for himself.

WishingWell

It is so wonderful that he has gotten this treatment at such a young age. He's in good hands!

You are really growing threw this, sending you a hug!

choublak

It's a disease, but not an excuse for unacceptable behavior.

WishingWell

It's a disease that helps cause unacceptable behavior by physically damaging the brain.

BlueSkies1

I have a hard time with the disease concept. It's easier for me to understand it by calling it a mental illness. That helps me with the problematic decision making aspect--that the alcoholic has to cure their own mental illness, and that nobody else holds that power. It helps me to understand just how daunting a task it is.
It also makes me understand my codependency. I too have a mental illness, and I too have to find my own cure.

TeM

I can't speak as an expert, but I find it quite confounding. The disease concept works on some levels, as does the mental illness. Perhaps addiction is a unique combination of both?

My AW will bawl and beg forgiveness one day, swearing to quit. Then she'll be drunk the next day, angrily deny it and accuse us of persecuting her. Apparently, it messes up their judgement and self control to the point that they'll choose alcohol over everything they would normally care about.

It's maddening, to be sure.

CentralOhioDad

I agree with you. At least your Wife will beg forgiveness and swear to quit - mine denies that there is any problem whatsoever, and then when she does get drunk is when I get blamed for her problems, my problems, and the problems of the World..

Maddening, it is..

BlueSkies1

That's how my exah is. Denies it altogether that he has a problem, but drinks everyday of the week to excess, and then blames me that we don't get along. I do understand how maddening that is!

lizatola

Sometimes when I'm struggling with the disease concept, which is often at times, I think of a friend of mine whose husband was a diabetic. He wasn't taking his insulin or taking care of himself knowing full well the risks involved. They had 3 children and my friend finally put her foot down and separated from him. Her feeling was: You have a disease, you aren't managing it, you are risking your life and the family's welfare, you are being selfish and destructive, and I need a break from you even though I love you.

This separation helped her husband see how his actions(or inactions) were affecting his family so they worked things out after about a 6 month separation and he was back on his meds, etc. 2 month later he was dead. He died in a car accident after having a diabetic seizure while driving and he nearly killed the other driver of the car he struck. He had stopped taking care of his disease again and it did kill him. My friend was devastated but her approach with her husband is exactly how I see how I need to approach my AH. Most diseases need to be managed and just like how my friend couldn't force her husband to take his medication, we can't force our A's to work on recovery. I guess her story just helps me put my situation into perspective, as different as they are.

BlueSkiesAgain

This is exactly how I see it. My son's alcoholism is a disease. A genetic disease without a doubt because my grandfather, my father and all of his brothers were alcoholics. The last time my son was drunk (and I have only seen him drunk about 5 times) he acted EXACTLY like my father. It was in this moment that I said no more. I set boundaries and at this point that was enough to allow my son to realize I mean business. I WILL NOT live with an active alcoholic. I think realizing alcoholism is a disease helped me realize that my son wasn't doing this TO ME. It allowed me to show compassion because I realized that he is sick. Doesn't mean that I will accept it in my house it just allows me to know that the only way to help my son heal is through setting boundaries. My biggest fear is that my son will end up like my dad and not stop drinking until he is in his 60's. If I can offer my son all the support and resources while he is 21 and he makes it work I am willing to make the hard choices now.

SR has been a life saver for me and I've only been here a few weeks. You are all a blessing as I take this journey one day at a time.

ZiggyB

I agree it's really difficult to embrace the fact that it's a disease when the people who have it refuse to do anything about it or get treated for it...

Then last night I had a dream that my ex finally had some incident which forced him to quit drinking, we got back together and moved to Lake Tahoe and were happy. It's sad how my brain does not want to let go of that wish...

Florence

I think it's both. Mental and physical illness are both ultimately chemical and often genetic in nature.

I think we come hardwired with certain predilections and our experiences either trigger this set of chemical and behavioral outcomes or that set of chemical and behavioral outcomes. We can either avoid the things that trigger bad outcomes or give in to the things that trigger bad outcomes.

After awhile, good health comes down to predicting possible best outcomes for a patient. Absent total physical or emotional meltdown, we are 100% responsible for our choices to adhere to best practices or not. Those of us who test the waters and go our own way often find that our way, which comes from a place of good intention, but also of sickness and myopic thinking, is not the best way.

I have nothing but compassion for alcoholics, but the disease scares me. It's exhausting to live with as a bystander. It hurts to love someone who is incapable of loving you back.

Titanic

Like the saying goes: Alcoholics don't drink AT US. They drink because that's what they do.

Yes, they are sick. Visualize that word written on their foreheads. SICK. What we call it is perhaps not as important as is whether the term helps us do the next right thing ... such as to detach with love, or at least compassion.

Sometimes mental illness helps ... picturing the A as a schizophrenic just walking in behind the walls of a mental institution. The ranting, raving, requests, delusions, and crazy or irrational behaviors are not done AT US. It is what untreated schizophrenics do, their altered mind or mental state does it. Sometimes disease helps ... it is inheritable and it spreads too. It is contagious disease because it propagates itself by infecting some directly with it, others with it a generation away and a whole lot of others with the "family member" variant of the disease ... what we call Al-Anonism in those rooms.

And the boundaries are for US, not for the A or to make the A heal, although the boundaries may (but not always) help or inspire the A to recover and heal.

soberlicious

Alcoholism as a disease is a concept or theory...not fact. Not everyone subscribes to that school of thought and millions successfully recover no matter the opinions on the matter. Blueskies, I think you are correct in that personal responsibility is a must for anyone who decides to make positive life changes.

choublak

Regardless, people shouldn't use that "it's a disease" line as an excuse when they do something stupid/dangerous. Like an alcoholic who drives drunk and kills somebody, should face the consequences.

CeciliaV

Exactly! I've been using the comparison to diabetes and I think it fits well. It helps me to see it as a disease that is controllable IF the person with the disease chooses to control it. If they don't, then it becomes completely unmanageable. At this point, I feel like my AH is not choosing the right tools for disease management, although it seems he is at least in part starting to realize that. Although, after over a year of having to deal with the lack of proper disease management...it's taken quite a toll on both of us.