I'm New - How to communicate in a relationship with a 60-day recovering alcoholic?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Portlandia
Posts: 77
I'm just going to reiterate what at least two others have said, essentially, because this is SO important, and certainly was the first step in removing myself from unacceptable behavior:
What would you tell a girlfriend who is going through the same experience?? Would you say, hey, that FB photo situation is no big deal...? It's OK for him to capitalize on what he perceives as a weakness (body image: I'm merely extrapolating from your post about the swimming pool)?
Do not let yourself be treated poorly when you would advise a friend not to be treated poorly! Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend.
You *deserve* to be treated kindly, and with respect. People who love each other, even platonically and as friends, do NOT treat each other unkindly and disrespectfully. Your mate should treat you at least as well as a friend would.
What would you tell a girlfriend who is going through the same experience?? Would you say, hey, that FB photo situation is no big deal...? It's OK for him to capitalize on what he perceives as a weakness (body image: I'm merely extrapolating from your post about the swimming pool)?
Do not let yourself be treated poorly when you would advise a friend not to be treated poorly! Treat yourself the way you would treat a friend.
You *deserve* to be treated kindly, and with respect. People who love each other, even platonically and as friends, do NOT treat each other unkindly and disrespectfully. Your mate should treat you at least as well as a friend would.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 25
Thanks Ichabod for illustrating what I was having trouble describing. He is a mean person. His personality has changed (back, perhaps?) drastically in a week.
When he was in rehab he was kind, loving, funny, personable and caring. The first week home he was the same only less subdued - he had energy, he was talkative about his alcoholism and recovery process and wanted me to go to every AA meeting with him - he even went to one of my Alanon meetings.
Before rehab, I had no idea he was an alcoholic. We would go out but he would have a couple of beers and most of the time he would leave the last one half full on the bar.
When I found him I didn't know what was wrong with him. I didn't have any contact information for his friends or family - I had to Google his parents in another State to call them. But a few weeks before he almost died he became inciting - intentionally saying things that he knew would hurt my feelings - that mean, nasty, self-absorbed guy who thought he was incredibly funny to embarrass me in public is who he was at the counseling session yesterday.
I guess Pelican was right - when a horse thief gets sober they are still just a horse thief...
Yesterday I was every emotion rolled into one - someone asked me afterward how I was feeling and I could only respond with "There is no adjective for how I feel right now".
The one-on-one counseling session was at his rehab center with his primary therapist but it isn't a democratic endeavor it felt like I was under scrutiny for triggering him. He has no earthly concept of what the last three months have been like for me nor does he give a ****!
The counselor starts off by asking what we want to discuss and he says "Well, you're the one who wanted this meeting. What do you have to say?"
I was already annoyed because he sounded like a child not a 44-year old professional man who wants to improve communication in our relationship so that it will aid in his recovery process. I said "Well, this is your recovery program what would you like to talk about?" He became agitated in his seat and the counselor stepped in and asked "Is this session about your recovery or about communicating in your relationship?"
He then began to talk about every personal thing I told him in confidence after I was told that opening up and being honest and truthful was key to a healthy relationship in recovery.
I thought if you are in a relationship you were allowed privileged conversations where you feel confortable confiding in your significant other. Isn't that the whole point of being in a relationship? Who wants to be in a relationship where you are on edge, wondering what is he going to reveal about me today?
The man is a sieve. Whatever someone tells him - not only does he tell anyone with a pulse but he then will use that information as ammunition against me in a disagreement. When I expressed that I didn't trust him because he continually breaks my confidence by intentionally making me turn red in public or posting bathing suit photos on Facebook he replied "Who F***ing cares? It's a photo!" in which I repied "I do. I care."
That's the whole point of being in a relationship for me at least - you have someone to love and care for you and about the things that are meaningful to you. You have someone who has your back and is rooting for you especially when your confidence has been rocked by a stressful life experience.
He went on to talk about a childhood experience where when he was in grade school his father broke a desk because he got a C on his report card and how I needed to lighten up because I am acting just like his dad. He actually said I remind him of his dad because I am a rule follower and that I needed to realize there are bigger life and death issues at hand and how could I be that upset about a Facebook photo? Really, it's that big of a deal?
Yes, it's that big of a deal and the photos are still on your Facebook page so that tells me you lied to me and to your counselor when you said you deleted them which is a second big deal.
I acknowledged that for him there are two major categories - his Life and Death Addiction Issues and our gender, relationship issues. I sincerely empathized that I truly have no idea what it would be like to live every minute of every day wanting to drink but knowing just one drink would kill me in hours. That must be a terrible existence.
However, relationship issues can be resolved if both people are willing to listen and understand what is hurtful to one another.
How can he get through his addiction issues by making changes to his lifestyle and not be willing to readjust an inch for improving our relationship?
...because he only cares about himself.
After our session, we walked out to the parking lot but he was ignoring me texting someone. So I asked if he wanted to get some coffee and decompress but he shook his head no. I said ok and walked to my car and went back to work. We didn't communicate until he texted me late last night.
"Processing our meeting today. That's why I am quiet. You may not hear from me for a few days. Doing some thinking...I love you. Hope you are ok."
However, he has posted to Facebook five times since that text and all of the posts are either slams against me or meant to hurt me. In his last post, he asked if anyone wanted to go boating with him this afternoon - which is one of our trust issues because he takes 20 something females on the boat and then argues with me that I couldn't possibly still be working until 6 PM.
Today I feel regretful for confiding in him. In fact, I'm feeling as though I wish I never met him because just knowing him has significantly affected me negatively.
Thanks for listening...
When he was in rehab he was kind, loving, funny, personable and caring. The first week home he was the same only less subdued - he had energy, he was talkative about his alcoholism and recovery process and wanted me to go to every AA meeting with him - he even went to one of my Alanon meetings.
Before rehab, I had no idea he was an alcoholic. We would go out but he would have a couple of beers and most of the time he would leave the last one half full on the bar.
When I found him I didn't know what was wrong with him. I didn't have any contact information for his friends or family - I had to Google his parents in another State to call them. But a few weeks before he almost died he became inciting - intentionally saying things that he knew would hurt my feelings - that mean, nasty, self-absorbed guy who thought he was incredibly funny to embarrass me in public is who he was at the counseling session yesterday.
I guess Pelican was right - when a horse thief gets sober they are still just a horse thief...
Yesterday I was every emotion rolled into one - someone asked me afterward how I was feeling and I could only respond with "There is no adjective for how I feel right now".
The one-on-one counseling session was at his rehab center with his primary therapist but it isn't a democratic endeavor it felt like I was under scrutiny for triggering him. He has no earthly concept of what the last three months have been like for me nor does he give a ****!
The counselor starts off by asking what we want to discuss and he says "Well, you're the one who wanted this meeting. What do you have to say?"
I was already annoyed because he sounded like a child not a 44-year old professional man who wants to improve communication in our relationship so that it will aid in his recovery process. I said "Well, this is your recovery program what would you like to talk about?" He became agitated in his seat and the counselor stepped in and asked "Is this session about your recovery or about communicating in your relationship?"
He then began to talk about every personal thing I told him in confidence after I was told that opening up and being honest and truthful was key to a healthy relationship in recovery.
I thought if you are in a relationship you were allowed privileged conversations where you feel confortable confiding in your significant other. Isn't that the whole point of being in a relationship? Who wants to be in a relationship where you are on edge, wondering what is he going to reveal about me today?
The man is a sieve. Whatever someone tells him - not only does he tell anyone with a pulse but he then will use that information as ammunition against me in a disagreement. When I expressed that I didn't trust him because he continually breaks my confidence by intentionally making me turn red in public or posting bathing suit photos on Facebook he replied "Who F***ing cares? It's a photo!" in which I repied "I do. I care."
That's the whole point of being in a relationship for me at least - you have someone to love and care for you and about the things that are meaningful to you. You have someone who has your back and is rooting for you especially when your confidence has been rocked by a stressful life experience.
He went on to talk about a childhood experience where when he was in grade school his father broke a desk because he got a C on his report card and how I needed to lighten up because I am acting just like his dad. He actually said I remind him of his dad because I am a rule follower and that I needed to realize there are bigger life and death issues at hand and how could I be that upset about a Facebook photo? Really, it's that big of a deal?
Yes, it's that big of a deal and the photos are still on your Facebook page so that tells me you lied to me and to your counselor when you said you deleted them which is a second big deal.
I acknowledged that for him there are two major categories - his Life and Death Addiction Issues and our gender, relationship issues. I sincerely empathized that I truly have no idea what it would be like to live every minute of every day wanting to drink but knowing just one drink would kill me in hours. That must be a terrible existence.
However, relationship issues can be resolved if both people are willing to listen and understand what is hurtful to one another.
How can he get through his addiction issues by making changes to his lifestyle and not be willing to readjust an inch for improving our relationship?
...because he only cares about himself.
After our session, we walked out to the parking lot but he was ignoring me texting someone. So I asked if he wanted to get some coffee and decompress but he shook his head no. I said ok and walked to my car and went back to work. We didn't communicate until he texted me late last night.
"Processing our meeting today. That's why I am quiet. You may not hear from me for a few days. Doing some thinking...I love you. Hope you are ok."
However, he has posted to Facebook five times since that text and all of the posts are either slams against me or meant to hurt me. In his last post, he asked if anyone wanted to go boating with him this afternoon - which is one of our trust issues because he takes 20 something females on the boat and then argues with me that I couldn't possibly still be working until 6 PM.
Today I feel regretful for confiding in him. In fact, I'm feeling as though I wish I never met him because just knowing him has significantly affected me negatively.
Thanks for listening...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 25
Thanks Amoosebitmysister!
Yes, my trouble is that here in Florida (I grew up in New York State) bikinis are the norm but they are not my comfort zone in public. It is uncomfortable for me to have my chest commented on all the time. If I was better prepared for the pool (we had just gotten off his boat) I would have changed into a different bathing suit more suitable for a pool at a marina resort (there are kids and drunk guys at the bar) it's just uncomfortable.
Yes, my trouble is that here in Florida (I grew up in New York State) bikinis are the norm but they are not my comfort zone in public. It is uncomfortable for me to have my chest commented on all the time. If I was better prepared for the pool (we had just gotten off his boat) I would have changed into a different bathing suit more suitable for a pool at a marina resort (there are kids and drunk guys at the bar) it's just uncomfortable.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
What has life taught me about people?
It has taught me that not everyone subscribes to the same belief that we must respect others.
A person may have money, and a boat, and have lots of "friends" with no consequences for disrespectful actions and words.
Life has taught me that not everyone is at the same sensitivity level as I am to others feelings.
Life has taught me that unless there are consequences for our actions, we will all usually continue with our current behaviors, and that we resist change.
Life has taught me that if a relationship hurts, something is off balance, and it is up to me to do something about that imbalance--if I have the power to right that imbalance good, if I don't have that power then what other choices do I have?
I may try to invoke change in another's view and behavior. I may ask for more respect and sensitivity to my feelings.
If after asking for this, the other person still doesn't change to meet my needs, then I understand that my needs are not very important to that person. At that point, it is crucial for me to realize that I must take care of my feelings, because that person isn't going to do it for me.
I like a saying I have read posted by someone who frequents this forum--WHEN A PERSON SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM.
At the end of the day, it is up to me to take care of my own feelings...and that may involve letting others in my life go.
I have let someone go that hurt my feelings repeatedly. That action was more empowering than all the pleading, crying, anger, and other tactics I tried to use on the person to change them.
At the end of the day we can only change where we have control, which is over what course our own lives take...hoping that someday that someone who disrespects us will suddenly have an epiphany and treat us right...is wishful thinking. It took me a very long time to get to this point.
It has taught me that not everyone subscribes to the same belief that we must respect others.
A person may have money, and a boat, and have lots of "friends" with no consequences for disrespectful actions and words.
Life has taught me that not everyone is at the same sensitivity level as I am to others feelings.
Life has taught me that unless there are consequences for our actions, we will all usually continue with our current behaviors, and that we resist change.
Life has taught me that if a relationship hurts, something is off balance, and it is up to me to do something about that imbalance--if I have the power to right that imbalance good, if I don't have that power then what other choices do I have?
I may try to invoke change in another's view and behavior. I may ask for more respect and sensitivity to my feelings.
If after asking for this, the other person still doesn't change to meet my needs, then I understand that my needs are not very important to that person. At that point, it is crucial for me to realize that I must take care of my feelings, because that person isn't going to do it for me.
I like a saying I have read posted by someone who frequents this forum--WHEN A PERSON SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM.
At the end of the day, it is up to me to take care of my own feelings...and that may involve letting others in my life go.
I have let someone go that hurt my feelings repeatedly. That action was more empowering than all the pleading, crying, anger, and other tactics I tried to use on the person to change them.
At the end of the day we can only change where we have control, which is over what course our own lives take...hoping that someday that someone who disrespects us will suddenly have an epiphany and treat us right...is wishful thinking. It took me a very long time to get to this point.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Sorry for what you're going through.
Just for today, detach from him. Especially while he's in rehab (which is not even early recovery work). He has NO CLUE who he is (without alcohol) let alone what he's really done to you. Who is the "man" that you think you're in love with? Surely not who's in rehab.
Rehab is NOT about relationship counseling. It's only about detoxing him, stabilizing him and getting him a few tools to "practice" with before he leaves this controlled environment for the "real world" where it is NOT all about him.
Please go to some Al-Anon meetings.
I wish you serenity.
Just for today, detach from him. Especially while he's in rehab (which is not even early recovery work). He has NO CLUE who he is (without alcohol) let alone what he's really done to you. Who is the "man" that you think you're in love with? Surely not who's in rehab.
Rehab is NOT about relationship counseling. It's only about detoxing him, stabilizing him and getting him a few tools to "practice" with before he leaves this controlled environment for the "real world" where it is NOT all about him.
Please go to some Al-Anon meetings.
I wish you serenity.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"After our session, we walked out to the parking lot but he was ignoring me texting someone. So I asked if he wanted to get some coffee and decompress but he shook his head no. I said ok and walked to my car and went back to work. We didn't communicate until he texted me late last night.
"Processing our meeting today. That's why I am quiet. You may not hear from me for a few days. Doing some thinking...I love you. Hope you are ok."
However, he has posted to Facebook five times since that text and all of the posts are either slams against me or meant to hurt me. In his last post, he asked if anyone wanted to go boating with him this afternoon - which is one of our trust issues because he takes 20 something females on the boat and then argues with me that I couldn't possibly still be working until 6 PM.
What do his actions tell you? IMO it is very clear. What are you trying to save, there is nothing there to build on, he is intentionally embarassing you on FB. Do you consider this to be healthy for you?
You don't deserve this, no one does. This is sad.
"Processing our meeting today. That's why I am quiet. You may not hear from me for a few days. Doing some thinking...I love you. Hope you are ok."
However, he has posted to Facebook five times since that text and all of the posts are either slams against me or meant to hurt me. In his last post, he asked if anyone wanted to go boating with him this afternoon - which is one of our trust issues because he takes 20 something females on the boat and then argues with me that I couldn't possibly still be working until 6 PM.
What do his actions tell you? IMO it is very clear. What are you trying to save, there is nothing there to build on, he is intentionally embarassing you on FB. Do you consider this to be healthy for you?
You don't deserve this, no one does. This is sad.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 25
Wow. That is amazing.
I wish I saw this post before I went to my session yesterday - it is everything I have been feeling but not articulating very well. The session accomplished nothing except to make me feel like I am triggering him and all I heard from him was how there is something seriously wrong with me - he even criticized my body language and analogies.
I could not express to him the hurt he caused from lack of respect as perfectly as you did here.
Thank you very much Made of Glass.
I wish I saw this post before I went to my session yesterday - it is everything I have been feeling but not articulating very well. The session accomplished nothing except to make me feel like I am triggering him and all I heard from him was how there is something seriously wrong with me - he even criticized my body language and analogies.
I could not express to him the hurt he caused from lack of respect as perfectly as you did here.
Thank you very much Made of Glass.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 25
Thanks Titanic.
I have been going to Alanon meetings since it happened. He is in Out-Patient mornings now and has been home for two weeks but I agree the rehab's only responsiblity is to him their client. It's too bad they don't have a better family program, it would help everyone understand and get on board faster I think.
What I realized today at a meeting - is that he started out kind, caring and fun and then weeks before I found him he was a horrible human being. During rehab he was the nicest, most sensitive, loving guy including his first week at home and now he is back to a horrible human being.
Not sure which personality is actually his and was hoping to wait it out but considering all of the responses here - I'd say it probably isn't the one I'm betting on.
Thanks very much.
I have been going to Alanon meetings since it happened. He is in Out-Patient mornings now and has been home for two weeks but I agree the rehab's only responsiblity is to him their client. It's too bad they don't have a better family program, it would help everyone understand and get on board faster I think.
What I realized today at a meeting - is that he started out kind, caring and fun and then weeks before I found him he was a horrible human being. During rehab he was the nicest, most sensitive, loving guy including his first week at home and now he is back to a horrible human being.
Not sure which personality is actually his and was hoping to wait it out but considering all of the responses here - I'd say it probably isn't the one I'm betting on.
Thanks very much.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 25
Thanks Dollydo.
I guess I was waiting to see what the therapist had to offer. Everything was how not to overwhelm him or trigger him. The waiting has been unbearable. I and his family have been waiting for the rehab experts to give us an overview of what will happen and what to expect but it never comes.
In regard to his actions - I didn't know he was an alcoholic until I found him a day away from dying so it was shocking and traumatic and I guess I was giving the benefit of the doubt that he was a good guy wrecked from alcohol.
Today, at a meeting, I realized you all are right. He is just a horrible human being drinking or not.
Thanks.
I guess I was waiting to see what the therapist had to offer. Everything was how not to overwhelm him or trigger him. The waiting has been unbearable. I and his family have been waiting for the rehab experts to give us an overview of what will happen and what to expect but it never comes.
In regard to his actions - I didn't know he was an alcoholic until I found him a day away from dying so it was shocking and traumatic and I guess I was giving the benefit of the doubt that he was a good guy wrecked from alcohol.
Today, at a meeting, I realized you all are right. He is just a horrible human being drinking or not.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: nashville tn
Posts: 30
You are among friends and peers who will not judge you and are fonts of knowledge. In the end as I have learned from many sources the final decision comes down to us. You will know when you have hit your bottom. We are here to support you and listen. Best of luck. Praying for you. Ps. Today my therapist told me to take care of me. What a concept. Gonna give it a whirl.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by SilentScout 
He says he loves to do and say shocking things to make me red but when I try and explain that it embarrasses me or makes me uncomfortable
There's no need to explain to him how it makes you feel. He knows exactly how it makes you feel, and that's why he does it.
Originally Posted by SilentScout
Does 20 years of alcohol abuse cause men to be intentionally mean to loved ones even when they are sober or will it just take time for him to balance himself out?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 25
Thanks for this...
I just had a call from his sister because I haven't been in contact with him for three weeks and he texts me as though we are still together, writes snail mail letters (I left it unread in the mailbox) and is now telling his sister to check on me. I don't know who to trust so this forum is a Godsend!
I told his sister that he hurt me so badly when he continued to make me red and embarrassed on purpose and her reply was - "Well, sometimes it's fun and exhilarating"
I do not agree. I think your assessment of sociopath is spot-on. I am seeing things so much clearer now. Of course, I still have to dig myself out of the emotional hole I dug for myself and that has been exhausting...
I just had a call from his sister because I haven't been in contact with him for three weeks and he texts me as though we are still together, writes snail mail letters (I left it unread in the mailbox) and is now telling his sister to check on me. I don't know who to trust so this forum is a Godsend!
I told his sister that he hurt me so badly when he continued to make me red and embarrassed on purpose and her reply was - "Well, sometimes it's fun and exhilarating"
I do not agree. I think your assessment of sociopath is spot-on. I am seeing things so much clearer now. Of course, I still have to dig myself out of the emotional hole I dug for myself and that has been exhausting...
We all deserve respect & love
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 46
It is VERY exhausting! Our minds are very powerful but also VERY adaptable if WE change the bad programming. It's never a rush job though, it's a slow process & it is worth it. Our hearts & minds are stronger than we know. You are already in a better place with your awareness. Give yourself some credit for having the courage to see reality as it is.
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