kiwichick

Hi all,
I am new on these forums and I just need to figure out what I am dealing with....
My partner and I just got married one month ago and about 6 months before the wedding he cut down on drinking to get in shape etc. About three years ago I almost left him due to his drinking as I did not want my child to grow up in that environment. My husband didn't think he had a problem as it was binge drinking and he said he could cut down whenever he wanted to.
He has never been physically abusive, however does tend to pick arguments when drunk and I always seem to bite back. The thing that worries me the most is he drinks to the point where he gets a rash all over his face, neck and back and also cannot breathe properly and still continues to drink!
When I brought this up with him when I was pregnant with our second child I said to him I am worried he will die soon and leave me with the kids and his reply was "oh well at least I'll die happy" (because he would be drunk). I was so shocked he could say that!
So anyway things were good before the wedding but since then he has been drinking every weekend and then this weekend he stayed home to drink ALL DAY! I took the kids out for most of the day because I didn't want them to see him drinking like that.
I guess I just want to know....is this just the beginning? How do I handle this? I feel like I'm such a control freak if I tell him to stop. His family are big drinkers and he thinks it is normal.
I'm 28 and he is 30.
Sorry for the long post.... please help!

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. It is nice to *meet* you!

You have found a wonderful resource of support and information. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

At the top of this forum page are some Sticky Posts, they are designated with a padlock symbol in the left column, the Stickies contain some of our stories and lots of wisdom.

When I first arrived, I learned about the 3 C's of my husband's alcoholism:

I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it

It took me some time to accept the principles of that concept. I was certain I could love him into sobriety, reason with him or Fix him at the very least! All I did was make myself and my children crazy in the process.

Here is a link to my favorite sticky post. It contains steps that helped me while living with active alcoholism:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

kiwichick

Thanks Pelican, nice to meet you too and it's good to know there is a lot of support here
I am also going to counceling so hopefully that will help too. Just worried about the kids really

Pelican

Stick around, you can learn a lot about alcoholism here.
Is this the beginning, yes it likely is the beginning of alcoholism.
Alcoholism is progressive and it does get worse without treatment.

Unfortunately, the only one capable of changing the alcoholic is the alcoholic.

You can learn ways to detach with love, learn to set healthy boundaries, and how to protect yourself from his dramatic behavior.

One of the things I needed help with was learning to respond instead of reacting to the alcoholic. Like taking the bait when he gets in your face....I had to learn how not to engage an actively drinking alcoholic. I learned to say: "Oh, okay" or "I understand why you feel that way" and walk away.

Synfull Vyxun

Hi KiwiChick,
I am from Queensland, but living in England, I am new to this site too. I have an alcoholic mother, I used to think I was just at the beginning, but when I think about it, it's been going on for so long, hindsight is a wonderful thing sometimes. Like I wish I had of stayed in Australia.
Hope you get some good help on here, I have found people are very helpful and friendly so far. Just really wanted to say, I know how ya feel. Always here to help, listen, etc.

Titanic

Welcome! Sorry you're having no "honeymoon" over there. It's quite sad what this disease does to spouses and families; children can carry the scars well into adulthood.

Please consider going to Al-Anon meetings (at least six; try different groups). There you will find help for Your and for how to approach the family situation. You will receive support, experience, strength and hope.

This disease is more than one can handle alone, and without tools or training.

All the best to you & yours.

kiwichick

Thanks for the support
I used to binge drink quite a bit but have slowed down since I've had kids. His drinking has been going on for years but I think I was in denial until my mum said something to me about it around xmas two years ago as that was when he had a three day drinking binge. Even my sister said don't I get annoyed at how much he drinks and I said no because at least he cleans the house. Looking back I realise he probably only does that so I don't get angry at him for drinking.
I still have the occasional drink with him so I don't know if this is just encouraging him to drink too.
His whole family are big drinkers and when I told him to stop he told his family and they think there is nothing wrong with it....they probably think I'm being selfish expecting him to stop now that we've had kids. I also think it is a bit weird that he sits at home by himself and drinks. And then he wonders why I don't want to have sex with him when he stinks of alcohol. Gross

ZiggyB

Hi there,
Sorry to say that there isn't much you can do about it. If you have expressed your concern and he knows how you feel continuing to lecture, scold, nag, beg or cry will likely not help either. I pretty much tried all of that with my ex boyfriend and we ended up breaking up, I couldn't put up with it and he just seemed to be getting worse, drinking by himself, drinking in the morning and all day. His friends drank all the time too and I seriously don't think they saw anything wrong with it.

You're not a control freak for wanting a sober husband, but they hate it when you tell them to stop. I'm with you, it is totally unattractive and unappealing. I did get my ex to cut down on his drinking sometimes but really it was a losing battle... then he went from doing it in front of me to hiding it.