aliveforme

So after meeting and falling in love with an RA, I find out he is texting and private messaging other women. Sometimes friendly, sometimes romantic and sometimes sexual. He doesn't see any of these women, just text and FB. (I will understand later that these relationships hold no conflict, responsibility or accountability for him, that's part of why it happens)

I blew up, several times, we argued and he always said I was insecure and no one means as much as me, I just needed to accept that.
After many promises to not contact them or quit, after counseling, after a temporary breakup, he was still doing it. So I broke it off for good, or so I thought.
I wrote him a long letter in which I explained that he had traded an addiction for alcohol and pills for women and that he didn't even know it. That he hides his actions and knows they are wrong. He blew up. Got very ugly. I let him go, or so I thought.
He kept texting me or calling, or finding reasons to come by. We met for dinner in which he admitted the letter was painful because he didn't want to be "that guy". That he really loved only me.

We tried it again. I said we were more self aware. I also made amends for my co-dependent part in blowing it up the first time. I know that sounds weird, but I feel it was the right thing to do. I then clearly said, "I can't have a relationship with a man that has emotional ties to other women." He said, "I don't do that anymore. I don't have any emotional ties to any woman other than you. I have friendships"
Turns out what he meant by that was that he texted woman #1 in OK that he loves her, told woman #2 in CA that he would be in a hotel and would love for her to come stay with him over Labor Day and spent time with woman #3 while he was staying with me and told me he was at an AA meeting.
I finally, finally, finally had to say, I can't control it, I didn't cause it and I can't cure it, but more importantly, I'm not putting up with it.
He moved back to CA and we were supposed to do long distance. Two days after he left, I called and broke it off and blocked him from my phone.
Its been almost two weeks. It hurts......but I'm not being lied to anymore and that feels pretty good. I've been angry, upset, crying, happy and relieved all at once. The grief of the loss is a process I'm still going through.

I don't understand the behavior. I don't think I ever will. I just know he can't love me in a healthy way and my job is to love me and take care of myself and that means drawing the boundary and sticking to it.
I talk to God everyday, thanking him for what is good in my life, and asking for guidance and courage.
I think one day I will find someone who is honest, caring and not affected by this disease.

LifeRecovery

It was finally an affair that got me dealing with the fact that alcoholism was in my relationship.

They both made me feel crazy, both are helping me to learn that my job is to take care of me and figure out what I can and cannot live with.

This stuff is not easy, but it does get easier, and I am sorry for how much you are hurting right now.

fluffyflea

His behaviour has NOTHING to do with you. He is sick

Please be good to yourself.

aliveforme

Thanks Earthworm...I think I'm finally getting that understanding. It took a long, long time.
I am really grateful for Al-Anon, CoDa, and Melody Beatty's books on Co-dependency. A lot of meetings and a lot of reading helped.
I can still have compassion for ex, but still really undersand that it was the right decision to make......FOR ME.

Tuffgirl

Thanks for posting this today, alive. Sometimes it does take a few rounds before we finally say we've had as much as we can take. I am sorry, though. Just sorry that it hurts, no matter how right it may be. I feel the same hurt, as well. Some days just downright suck..others, like today, are actually really good! It is getting easier to accept even though I still don't understand.

My ex accused me of being inappropriate with other men. Reading your situation makes me realize (again) what inappropriate really looks like! ; ) I never did any of those things that you describe above. I was kind and respectful to other men, be it other men in Al-Anon, my workplace, or my family. What you describe is complete disrespect, and lies. Good for you for putting yourself first, and sticking by your boundaries.

ZiggyB

Well, you are right that he is now addicted to these women instead of alcohol. There is something about all of the attention that he obviously craves. Who knows why he does it, that is a question for his therapist, More importantly is that you were uncomfortable with it and chose to get out of it.

My ex had a weird relationship with his ex-gf, she would get him drunk all day (she had lots of money) and then take a whole lot of pictures of him and post them on Facebook. I never quite understood what was going on there other than him wanting free drinks, and she wanting someone to pay attention to, Anyway it was weird, especially as he didn't like it when I took his picture. Oh yeah, he was also looking at photos of transsexual shemales on my computer... who knows what that was all about.

aliveforme

You know.....there are still moments when I feel the need to understand these behaviors.....like my ex and what you describe here. I mean....I don't get it. Really? I can say out loud that these people have a disease, but I guess I find that someone drinking is different from this kind of behavior. How can they not know what they are doing and wha its about? The level of denial I came up against was staggering.
Well, like I said grief is still a process I'm going through and a lot of the pain is gone, some anger still remains and I'm working myself into indifference, but I still seem to be shaking my head at it. I hope I will be able to accept and let go at some point....

lillamy

Someone (here? or at Al-Anon?) said to me that when you've worked your own recovery enough that you are healthy and happy with yourself and your life, you're ready to start looking. But then you won't look, because you're happy. And that's when you can meet people. On equal footing. Not like two drowning people clinging to each other and sinking together.

Tuffgirl

Have you read Under the Influence? It's one of the best books that describes the disease of alcoholism.

Here's another site I have bookmarked, its about distorted thinking: niveous. You'll probably see a lot of the behaviors in this list.

Hazeldon is also a great site for resources: Hazelden -- Addiction Treatment Center

I understand the need to understand. But I can also say there is much I will never understand, not being an addict. So I work on acceptance every day, and it is a one day at a time process.

aliveforme

Thanks Tuffgirl - I will get that book and look at those websites
I love this site and everyone's support!!!

ZiggyB

You know, I have given up on trying to understand it/him/whatever. Seriously I think there was some narcissism at play, perhaps there was with your guy too, they really just need the attention. The more important thing is that these are disordered and troubled people, probably incapable of having a healthy relationship with anyone.

Titanic

Thank you for this lillamy!

lillamy

Of course, I didn't follow that advice myself, but that doesn't mean I can't pass it on, right?

djayr

This post brings back memories for me, it was AW's sudden and very inappropriate text messages with other men that broke up my 17 year marriage. How they compartmentalize these "friends" (and the fact that they are happy to say "I love you / I love you too!" with them) into a guilt-free experience, I don't know.

To this day, whenever I suggest to AW that she has been "unfaithful" to me, she denies it 100% like I am crazy.

I think they are so self-absorbed and attention starved, they will take it from anyone without thinking for a minute that it might hurt their marriage/relationship.

Crazy cell phones and text messages, I wonder how many marriages have been destroyed by this technology. My wife got her first iPhone summer of 2010 and within 6 months I was filed for divorce.

marie1960

A great piece of advice that I have read on these boards;

"Often we give the disease too much credit."

This guy sounds like an all around player. He is not sincere. He is not loyal. He wouldn't know the truth if it ran over him.

He is a BIG FAT LIAR.

He is not worthy of anymore of your time or affection.

I hope you can separate yourself from the madness, and get back to living YOUR healthy life that awaits.