LGLG1015

I "came out" from hiding my situation a year ago September. And what a year it's been! I've been in Al-Anon for 9 months and my husband has received his 7 month coin from AA. A little of my story:

I met my husband on-line and we spoke for a couple of months before meeting at a local bar in 2005 with his friends and mine. I have no prior experience with alcoholism. I was in my late 20s and we all did the bar scene. I thought nothing of it. When we met I thought he was brilliant, handsome, sweet, educated, owned his own business, had his own apartment (in the middle of the bar scene), and he made me laugh... our groups of friends got along amazingly and we had a lot of fun the first two years of "partying". Yes, he drank - so did I, we all did. I was (so mad to say this) impressed that he can drink all night and go to work the next day. My drinking was weekends, I couldn't keep up with him, and still I had no idea. Or maybe I didn't want to know.

In 2007 he moved in with me at my apartment (away from the bars). We were engaged shortly after. Now, I was pretty much done with the partying - now it was time to play house. And play house I did! Dinner ready, house clean, laundry, etc - I wanted to show just how good of a wife I could be. Our partying now that we could no longer walk to the bars was tailgating at ball games or random house parties. He would come home from work with a 18 pack of beer, and usually finish it. I was working two jobs (because I loved them both and I also have my own need to be financially independent) so I didn't even realize he was barely going into work, just sitting home drinking and playing video games. When I came home early one day and was surprised to see him, his response was since it was his own business he could make his own hours. OK. Sure.

In 2008 we were married. We had a destination wedding and all his college buddies were at the same place for the first time since college. Alcohol was in abundance. A fight broke out two days before the wedding between him and my brother, and my brother begged me not to go through with the wedding. It took a year for me to speak to my brother.

When we returned home, little did I know it but his business had gone completely under. Now, since he was in finance I figured it was the economy. Still too blind to see it was the alcohol. I was still caught up in being the perfect wife and having the perfect life - even though my husband had no income or motivation, we started house searching. We found a beautiful Victorian in need of restoration and he was thrilled at the timing - now he had all the time in the world to fix it up. And since he had no income - the house was put in my name along with the bills, etc.

Now maybe somewhere I decided to move an hour away from my family and friends so we can start our life together - or maybe because here no one can see that my husband sits home all day while I work. Or maybe it was because no one can see the bags and bags of empty beer cans, or hear the yelling and door slamming.

I went off birth control in 2010. We tried for a year. Then we went to fertility. When my tests came back normal, and his didn't - well that's when I started seeing more. All I wanted was to be a good wife and mother. I don't care about a career - I have four of those now! And its just to keep me busy and pay the bills. My not being able to conceive, and finding out it was because of his drinking - that opened my eyes.

I don't know when it actually became more than just drinking. But I know I could hear the pop of a can from the other side of the house, the smell of beer had actually gotten to the point where it made me sick to my stomach and I always knew just how many he had, along with how many odd jobs my ivy league graduate of a husband was now working because he couldn't hold a steady job and needed someway to buy his beer and cigarettes.

In September of 2011 I finally reached out to my friends and family, and his friends and family. It was at the point where I ran the entire house myself, paying the bills, shopping, cleaning, cooking and he was taking whatever money he could find from odd jobs (and my account when that ran out) for booze. Beer wouldn't cut it anymore. That 18 pack when to a 30 pack - and then he topped it off with a bottle of vodka. He stayed up drinking all night and slept all day. Oh and that house he wanted to work on? Looks pretty much the same except for three rooms I painted.

I gave him an ultimatum in December and he reluctantly went to detox. It was the worst experience of my life. I had no idea what to expect and to have the guard walk him back after paperwork and he wouldn't even look at me - it broke my heart but I knew for him, and for us, it had to be done and then things would be perfect (little did I know!). Now during this time I had a herniated disc, but I was determined to have him come home to a "safe environment". I cleaned the entire house, removed all the beer cans that consumed our three car garage to the point where no cars could be parked in it and decorated the house for the holidays. Baking also calms me so I had a ton of cookies waiting for him. The doctor called me 4 days into detox saying that the detox part is over, and they can no longer hold him against his will, he signed himself out. Shaking and on egg shells I went to pick him up, where I endured silence on the 45 minutes ride back home only to have him get right into his car and go to the liquor store.

That night I went to my first Al-Anon meeting and after diving head first and absorbing everything I can, I worked the program hard for two months and in February he begged me to bring him back to rehab and that he was ready to change. He saw the changes I was making (spending more time with family and friends) and realized he was no longer a part of my happiness and he wanted to save our marriage. He went to rehab, and I think he actually enjoyed it. While there he was also diagnosed with severe depression. It was an adjustment for us both but I was 100% ready to support him as long as he was willing to put in the work. When he got out of rehab he went to three meetings a day, and all his followup appointments. Then he finally got a job. And according to him this job interferred with meeting and his appointments. Bless him he didn't drink, but now he didn't have a program. And he stopped taking his medication. He was ok with this because now for the first time he felt "like a man" and was contributing to the bills. Then he got laid off. And that brings us to this summer. The entire summer my husband spent sleeping on the couch during the day and watching tv at night. I am fairly certain he is not drinking as I really don't think he'd be able to stop if he started but he's back in a deep dark depression and if I try to talk to him his anger is identical to that back when he was drinking. I'm headstrong in my program again, and even when on a summer vacation with my friend and her children but I don't know if I'm doing more harm with detaching while he's depressed but it seems the more I try to help the worse he gets so at least right now things are cordial.

What I struggle most with is while I'm trying to be supportive, I can't help but think he's taking advantage of me. I have let him for so long. I was the caretaker, the mother figure if you will. I paid the bills, cooked the meals, did everything and now that I'm learning take care of myself I don't know how to correct the damage I have already done. If I ask him how the job search is doing - he says his job is staying sober. I get that. And I'm proud of him and I understand its a daily struggle but I need help too. If he's home all day there is no reason I have to come home at 7pm and try to clean his mess and make dinner while trying to work one of my side (computer) jobs. I tried going on strike - but then I get stuck with a dirty house and hungry because I'm spiteful and won't make dinner. And what really scares me is even though he is not actively drinking, I feel a lot is still the same. Same attitude and defensiveness, I'm still basically alone. I'm 35 and I know people keep telling me I have time but I really want a family and I'm starting to doubt we'll ever get there, because I certainly cannot have a family with him in his current state. We love each other. We really do and he's a wonderful person, he's great with all our neices and nephews (and even my brother now that he's not drinking!) and he wants a family too - I'm just to scared to bring innocent children into this, not to mention the money for fertility and then I get mad and ask myself what is he bringing to this relationship and how much more time am I going to waste.



I just re-read what I wrote (sorry it's so long for anyone who actually read this far!!) and I really wish I could say more good about him, cause he's not all that bad, but right now I can't seem to think of the good stuff.

Ashconsebzoe

I'm not nearly where you are yet in the process, but I can identify with so much of what you say. This line, though, more than anything really struck a chord with me. That's exactly how I feel about my fiance. I love her to death, the woman underneath the alcoholism and depression is one of the most amazing people I've had the privileged of knowing. But the key there is "underneath the alcoholism and depression", because until they can come through that they're not that person. The sad reality is that they may never come through, and that right there is a realization that's been hard for me to admit myself.

Mambo Queen

I really identify with a lot of your story too. My XAH was a law school graduate, also depressed, a lot of his depression was wrapped up in his not being able to find a well-paying, professional job, but of course, he caused probably 95% of that problem with his alcoholic drinking, etc. Here are a few red flags I see in your story--the fighting and anger with your brother, the amount he was drinking (30 beers AND a bottle of vodka is a HELL of a lot), how OK he is with letting you do all the working, how much you have been like the parent in your story. My story ended in abuse followed by divorce, followed by more abuse because my ex was so used to me being his mommy, to where we are today which is me having no contact with him even though we have a daughter together, and him being homeless and on the streets as far as I know.

My XAH can still be a sweet, funny, charming guy--I got a glimpse of the old guy I used to know this summer, after he had been in the Salvation Army for a while and was sober and on Prozac, but it sadly didn't last.

I wish I could say I feel like your story might have a happy ending, but unfortunately I think the chances of that are very, very slim. If you feel strong enough, I would seriously consider ending this sooner rather than later.

Florence

This doesn't feel like recovery to me. Part of recovery is following your treatment plan, and that doesn't include going off your meds and stewing on the couch 24/7. This feels like he's BUDding (building up to drink), and your anxiety is knowing that things aren't right.

I just finished another many months long cycle of this, where my AH trashed 10 months of sobriety to take a relapse vacation. We are separated today, indefinitely.

ZiggyB

Hi,
I'm so sorry for your situation, man that sucks...

My axbf also had a long history of drinking throughout our relationship. When he got laid off from his job (not his fault, the economy), his drinking really went out of control, he was at bars all the time, he was drinking all day. I did exactly what I probably shouldn't have done and got angry and resentful. He was out partying all day while I was at work, meanwhile he was argumentative, rude, obnoxious and verbally abusive. At the time I didn't know about al-anon but I did feel the relationship was very co-dependent and his behavior was making me miserable.

We did not live together and our relationship didn't survive. The breakup happened 3 months ago and we have not spoken since. He was very angry with me for not being supportive enough and I was angry at him for turning his unemployment into a drinking game.

Later he claimed to be depressed but we all know that alcohol makes depression worse. I had no idea what to do, he was drinking himself into a hole and taking me down with him.

After the last argument we had, he completely flipped out and I spent 3 days with clinical depression, ended up with a nervous breakdown and went to the doctor for benzos, which was the only thing that got me through that month.

I just wish you luck with the situation, if he can keep off the booze and get back on his medication and get treated for the depression you might stand a chance. I felt the same way about my ex for years but I could never get him to go get treated for anything.

I know how it feels to put all your hopes and dreams into a life with someone and hoping they will change into the person you want or need them to be. Sadly they can only change themselves and if this is who he really is - can you live with that?

The ending of our relationship really sucked, I'm still trying to get over the pain of it all but am getting better. I strongly advise you to see him for who he is now and decide if this is something you can live with for the rest of your life.

(((hugs)))
-z

BlueSkies1

Well there's more than one kind of enabling. Let's pretend the drinking is not the issue, since he has a 7 mo. chip...let's say this just so that you can try to engage him in conversation about the current situation. He wants, and does need and deserve approval for his sobriety.
But laying on the couch all day can't be cutting it for his approval of his own life much less yours.
I believe you can insist kindly in life certain things...yes, insist, and do so kindly. Back to the docs for a re-assessment of the meds, and to determine if he is still depressed, and what can be done to help him with that.
I would also ask him if he believes that he has to go completely drug free? I am wondering if he believes true sobriety is putting zero influences in his system, including the prozac. This belief could get in the way of his overcoming his depression. I know I'm saying things that may appear obvious to you or to me, but what about him?
I've also read on the AA forum in here what I consider to be a tragedy--people telling of others in AA who told them to stop putting any drugs into their system to get clean, even anti-depressants. I would want to know the exact reason he has for stopping his meds.
I might try also telling him that he shouldn't attach his manliness to having a job, and that you do understand how that problem affects his self-esteem. Compassion can help to get others to listen to us, is my point. It can also help him to understand you are rooting for him, not looking to belittle him or start arguments.
You may have tried all this already...if so, that's when I would use the kind insisting approach to get hiim back to the doctors.
Seems to me the one not working and relying on other's money has the least amount of power. Wield yours.

LGLG1015

Thanks Ashconsebzoe. It's funny (well not really) but in talking with my husband before he admitted to help, his arguement was always "what if you don't like me sober". And to be honest the first couple of months of his sobriety I thought back to him saying that and was like you know what, I really do like him sober so much more! And it was like getting to know him for the first time, it was fun again, we were excited to see each other and did things together. And now that his depression has gotten him back to dark place... I wonder who/where the real him is...

LGLG1015

Thanks Mambo Queen, while he has never been physically abusive and I really don't want to get a divorce, I'm praying that he finds his way soon or I may have to do something - considering this past year has been both the longest and shortest ever!

LGLG1015

Florence, this is so similiar to what I heard at an Al-Anon meeting, and to prepare myself. I question my inner voice too much and really need to start trusting it, and obviously it's mad at me because I had my first (big) anxiety attack last weekend.

LGLG1015

Ziggy, I'm sorry if I mis-read your post but was it you that ended up sick? That's one of my biggest things, I feel as though I even catch the common cold so much more now. And like I mentioned to Florence, my first anxiety attack - actually my physical therapist even asked me what my stress level was during treatement for my herniated disc so I guess it's all connected. And makes me mad they are so oblivious to it.

And you pose such a good question, If I can live the rest of my life with who he is now. They say one day at a time - but I always took it for one day at a time until the next day - but not actually living in THIS day. Lots to think about there.

LGLG1015

MadeofGlass- I like how you put your message - sometimes I go overboard with the coddling, then I get angry and it turns into a mess. The "talking" part is where we have a problem lately. Or maybe its because he's so good at telling me what I want to hear when I want to hear it and not following through.
I don't know if he has that feeling about the meds, but I will ask. His answer to why he stopped taking them was "they don't work" one day, and the next was "i don't need them" and when I tried to tell him he appeared much happier when he was on them, I was told I was making assumptions. oy vey.
But I will give "insisting kindly" a try. At this rate it can't hurt!

EnoughEnough

Ohh, if i had a nickel for every time I heard that one! I've finally gotten to when that particular excuse comes around (he has a predictable list, just keeps going thru it over and over) my answer is "Well I don't like you at all right now, let's find out".

My XAbf (yup, I'm adding the X now ) is not even making a feeble attempt to help himself. He *was* a really wonderful person, until the booze took his life back over. I really miss the good times.

Florence

Oh yeah, by the time I'd matched the word "alcoholism" with what I was experiencing at home, I had a stomach ulcer and the craziest heartburn. It was a combination of situations that all converged at once, but I wholeheartedly believe that we suffer physically as well as emotionally for sick relationships.

LGLG1015

I'm not a quitter (I've been trying to quit smoking for two months and totally failing at that) and I try to see the glass half full but I sit in my Al-Anon meetings and there are either those who have left their qualifiers or those who are with active drinkers. Not too many like me who have a non-drinker at home - it almost seems like the cycle never ends and they fall off the wagon. I want to have faith in him - one person once told me "you are the other shoe" when I said I was waiting for the other shoe to drop but I just don't want to look back 20 years from now, and ask myself why I spent so much time on this. Where is that crystal ball??

ZiggyB

Yeah I ended up getting sick, I've always been prone to anxiety, especially social anxiety. One of our big issues in the relationship was the fact that he would react to me angrily a lot and with verbal abuse. That would cause me to feel terrible about myself and then I'd get depressed.

So the last argument was pretty bad, not only was he abusive, screamed and insulted me while I was crying, and he ended up throwing every slight flaw of mine in my face like a form of character assassination. After we broke up he went on another $&$*)* drinking binge with his friends and I was just totally stressed out and miserable. Didn't sleep or eat for a week before I went to the doctor. It was one of the more stressful times I've ever had in my life.

LGLG1015

Ziggy I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm glad you are in a better place. ((Hugs))

ZiggyB

Thanks - obviously I am so much better off on my own than dealing with that kind of craziness. I hope your situation resolves itself soon, I think I would be also feeling resentful if I was you, I don't take well to the man sitting around all day doing nothing (drinking or otherwise) while I'm at work. You must wonder if you are enabling him in some way to carry on with the unproductive life.

LGLG1015

Do I ever! I question everything I do and say and not do and don't say. And the more I try to "work it" and focus on me, I then question if I should or shouldn't be treating his depression like alcoholism and if I'm doing him more harm than good. Part of me wants to be grateful he's not drinking but part of me wants to shake him and be like you are literally sleeping your life away. I know depression is serious and he was better on the meds - but I can't (and won't) force him to take them. It has to be his choice to get better.

Titanic

So sorry for this tragedy you are living through LGLG1015. If he's not working his program (AA meetings, sponsor, readings, phone calls, Steps etc.), then what you have is a "dry drunk" according to the Blue Book. He may be sober, but that's it ... and one who is not taking his anti-depressant meds (which you objectively see as making a difference) as prescribed.

BUD is right. It's not going to stay static because either he or you or both will soon change. And BUD it appears is the direction he's going to head towards.

Talk to yout sponsor or group members about setting up boundaries, and detachment with love. There's a thread with readings on that in this forum.

All the best.

LGLG1015

Well as I tried to "talk" tonight it just turned into a bunch of excuses and word twisting until I finally walked out of the room. This disease makes a marriage very lonely.