BlueSkiesAgain

For those of you who have read my previous posts you know that my son is a 21yo alcoholic. He recently decided to drop two classes at school and move graduation date from December to May of next year. Also, he is seeing a private counselor and going to AA. He stayed sober over the weekend and truth is my house was relatively peaceful although much of that had to do with me stating my boundaries and walking away.

I am coming to terms with how I feel thanks to this board and all the great resources. I feel better about my future and the future of my son if he chooses to follow through with his most recent choices of going to AA and the counselor. The problem is that my husband is angry. I have the most mild mannered easy going husband ever but right now he can't get past the turmoil and the financial impact son has made on our family. He is angry about AS dropping classes. He is angry about paying for the counselor. He is angry that AS seems to be doing as little as possible to get through this time in his life. My husband has never been a drinker and has NO sympathy for alcoholics. I lived it growing up so I'm a little more understanding that there is a difference between the person and the disease. My husband can't get past being disappointed in our son and is to the point that he doesn't even care to talk to him.

I want us to be on the same page. I want us to set boundaries for the house and let son know where the boundaries are. Husband seems to think it is a waste because in the past we would say things and never follow through but I am past that. My husband has even acknowledged how well I handled things this weekend but he is set on believing that within a week things will be back to where they were. I am changing and now husband needs to start changing so he can move forward too.

Today I actually have more conflict with my husband than my son. I can't force my husband to see or feel the way I do but I also don't want to listen to his 30 minute rant about son.

Titanic

You know you can't Control your son, and that you can't Cure him and that you didn't Cause his disease, which becomes a FAMILY disease. Your DH has caught the disease too, as a family member. The 3 C's apply as to him too. Ask or encourage him to go to Al-Anon meetings. Do so not more than twice otherwise it's a sign you're just trying to control DH, not AS now.

Lead by your lead, by example, by going to those meetings. Because you've changed your behavior towards AS, this is what's happening:

" All of these supporting roles [that family members play] work together to maintain a balance in which the alcoholic can continue to play his or her role with as little discomfort as possible. Thus, when any member of this alcoholic circle stops playing his or her part, the entire group is affected.

CHANGING THE PART WE PLAY IN THE FAMILY DISEASE
" This is why the most helpful and most loving action any family member can take is to get help for ourselves. By recovering from the effects of the disease, we become able to stop playing our part in the family disease. The balance is disrupted. Suddenly it is no longer comfortable for the alcoholic. While he or she may continue to receive the loving support of the recovering family member, the disease is left unsupported. It is as if a group of four stood in a [cold] river, getting drenched while holding the alcoholic over their heads to keep him or her dry, and eventually one member of the group refused to continue to hold up his or her end. The entire system would collapse and, as a result, the alcoholic would get wet. Without others to remove the painful consequences of his or her actions, the alcoholic may become so uncomfortable that he or she chooses to pursue recovery. Likewise, other family members and friends may recognize how much they have been affected by the family disease and seek help for themselves. But there are no guarantees. While health in one person frequently inspires health in those around him or her, it doesn't always work that way." How Al-Anon Works, page 32.

dandylion

Dear Blueskies, excellent post by Titanic. I echo every word. There is another thread posted today about "what kids put us through"--also excellent.

Your husband will see the changes in you; he will notice what you are reading; you will learn to detach from his rants about your son. If you are consistent---believe me he will notice.

Not a good idea to enter any heated arguments with your husband. Also, don't railroad him into alanon. He will indicate to you when/if he is ready. Being patient is the big challenge for you, right now---as I see it.

dandylion

dollydo

I am an advocate of being on the same page, however, we codies are human, we deserve to get angry sometimes, and, in some cases, be disappointed.

Why not let your husband be, let him work through this on his own pace, you are attempting to control his emotions, to think exactly the same way you do, sometimes that just is not possible. We all move forward at own pace, his pace is not your pace.

Just my two cents.