keepingmyjoy1

I feel for ya. I know the feeling of just feeling angry and annoyed and not much else. Don't beat yourself up for "caving". I "caved" in on something recently and I was very angry at myself for a bit. But I think that because we have hope-- way down deep under that anger --that somehow this might be the time they really get it and change, we give to them again. I just try to remember when I make choices that I am mad at myself for that I need to look at why I made that choice, feel the feelings (not stuff them down deep) and learn what I can about myself. I am sorry you are going through what you are. Hugs.

Learn2Live

You do not have to go for family therapy and if you don't want to go, don't. And don't let yourself feel guilty about it.

I would still move forward with my plans to move out. If nothing else, take the time he is gone to start packing up your stuff and making the arrangements you planned to make.

Look at it this way. Nothing has changed. What if he called you crying, asking you to take him and pay for a seaside, month-long vacation? Does YOUR life change because HE decides something like this? Do YOUR needs change all of a sudden because this slob decides he wants to go on vacation and have you pay for it? It is my belief that a person who really wants to quit is able to quit without going to rehab. There are hospitals for detox, doctors and therapists in the community, and AA 24/7. Just my opinion.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior so if he's only ever made it a week, be happy you have likely agreed to paying for just a week.

Hopeworks

I also no longer have any fantasies about my XA and zero desire to even contemplate a life with him and the insanity alcoholism, treated, untreated or waiting for the shoe to drop.

However, I have told him that if he were to complete 365 days of uninterrupted authentic verifiable recovery with a sponsor his family and I would fly out there (he is 2000 mi away thank goodness) for his 1 year chip ceremony.

If he were to actually make this date on his own it will be an absolute miracle and it would be a tremendous amount of very hard work on his part and I would want to witness it.

I still have my phone blocked and do not wish to be involved with his day to day recovery as I am still a codie at heart but in recovery.

This worked for me and you just have to find what works for YOU... their life is their life and we are not "sober companions" and my XA even suggested that this is what I needed to be for him!!!!

Ugggggh.

dollydo

Really don't understand you, you are doing this to yourself, over and over again. I imagine that you are still paying his rent too and funding him otherwise.

Nothing changes if nothing changes and a year later...nothing has changed.

I hope this all works out as you have it planned, best of luck.

Titanic

One Day at a Time. Easy Does It.

I applaud you for helping him get in to treatment. While there is nothing wrong with Marital Counseling (I am 100% for it, but realize it is totally different than family program work or Al-Anon), it is the wrong time for it. Your instincts are right. His number 1 priority is sobriety. Yours is Al-Anon attendance, IMHO. Generally spesking, MC is not right, right now. Give yourselves at least 6-9 months.

All the best.

SoBroken

He actually told you he would die if YOU dont help him? He will die if HE doesnt help HIMSELF.

dandylion

gbz, it is o.k. to feel what you feel. Who knows? This might be his bottom. There is a saying in AA that there is hope as long as there is life.

Another point of view that I have learned from those in long recovery---It doesn't matter how they get there---as long as they get there. Some take many rounds of rehab before they finally "get" it.

That is about him. About you--It may n ot be so bad that you are able to detach and that you feel anger. This is probably very protective for you, fight now--in my opinion.

You don't have to do anything that he may be expecting you to do---if you don't feel like it.

You have to answer, ultimately, to your own morality (taking him to rehab). You are the only one that has to "answer " to you.

Enjoy the peaceful flat---and kiss the kittys!

dandylion

fluffyflea

Ditto with Learn2Live, Take this time tocarry on with your plans. It/s alright to feel what you are feeling and you don,t have to do anything with him.