Florence

I didn't understand this at first and was really upset that I'd finally found an Al-Anon meeting and everyone was self-congratulatory about living with active alcoholics. That's actually not what was happening. I was confused because I was looking for solutions ("FIX HIM!!!!"), and the truth is that there aren't any easy ones (he can't be fixed). Al-Anon and the Sober Recovery boards are about figuring out how to keep your head on straight, and keep perspective about yourself (you didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it), while you live in a crazy situation. The support to do that is here and at Al-Anon. Then, when you're strong enough and have the resources to make better decisions about what to do next, we're here to cheer you on.

Some of the best advice I got here when I was at my lowest was 1) You don't have to make any decisions today, and 2) just do the next right thing, whatever that is.

Derbygirl

He and I have marriage counseling next week where I hope that the counselor can help me convince him that he has a problem. The problem is, is I keep thinking that he's getting better. He only drank two days this last week and didn't drink till he was drunk. Is it possible he is getting better by himself? Does his own discipline in trying to adhere to my demands count for anything or am I just making excuses for him. I do notice that when he doesn't drink, he is far more irritable (but not so bad that we fight) and can't sleep. I know this is hard for him but I wonder if he is somehow coming to his senses or if this is just a temporary moment of sanity for him. Is he just appeasing me to get me to stay? I know that considering the ridiculous things he's done while drunk in the past, I may be foolish to think he can simply moderate his drinking suddenly. I know he is trying mostly because of our financial situation (so we can eat!) but could he be doing this for "us" too?

GAH! So conflicted!

Titanic

An alcoholic mind is "restless, irritable and discontented." That's right out of the AA Big Book. He drinks because he's an alcoholic. Alcohol may make him less irritable, but he will do what i takes to keep the alcohol, his true love, his mistress around ... even if that means staying away from her neighborhood, from her for a couple of hours or days. So long as the affair can continue.

Hopefully, the MC will knock some sense into him about getting into rehab, treatment. That, then his sobriety and then his emotional sobriety (getting rid of his restless, irritable, discontented and otherwise stinking thinking) next. Ask the MC (if any good and qualified in addiction) when MC would be indicated given his alcoholism/addiction.

laurie6781

(((((DerbyGirl)))))

I know the area you are living in, lol I am only 50 miles away in Las Cruces. I
also know that many of the Military Wives there have filed with the State of Texas
at the Welfare Office to get food stamps and have gotten said stamps.

What he pays in child support is NOT your problem and the money you get for
Child Support MUST be used for food for you children. However, do list the
child support he pays as an expense that MUST be paid monthly, on the application
for Food Stamps. Just because he is in the Military does NOT exclude you from
those stamps.

I know there are AlAnon meetings both on base and off in El Paso. Those meetings
will help you in so many ways and you will meet some good candidates for 'friends'.

I also know that if your husband's CO knows or 'gets wind' of your AH's problem
with alcohol, he will send him for an evaluation, and if the evaluation comes out
'alcoholic' and they usually do, yes, he will be ordered to rehab and would probably
miss the 'upcoming deployment.'

Now, I know that rehab only works so to speak, if the A is ready, HOWEVER, many
times they do get the LIGHT BULB MOMENT, while in rehab.

There are some options for YOU and your children in the El Paso area. Includ-
ing the very good Domestic Violence center there. And yes, him trying to
smother you is domestic violence. Alcoholism always gets worse, never better
and that means there is a good likelihood that his physical attacks on you are
going to get worse as will the verbal abuse, which can hurt worse than the
physical sometimes.

PM me if you would like to talk, rant, rave, scream, cry, and yes even laugh
and I'll call you as I literally have free long distance.

Love and hugs,

Derbygirl

I have been to a few al anon meetings here in el paso and as a teenager dealing with my mom's alcoholism. I will try to go to some more but it means finding gas money too. That's the biggest reason I'm doing this, because finding a way to al anon meetings right now is just not reasonable.
If I go to his commander and jeopardize his job, he will resent me forever and our marriage is as good as over then. Besides, his level of charm, ability to lie and manipulate would get him off the hook, I'm sure.
I also have already applied for food stamps before but was turned down because they do not take into consideration what he pays for child support. They only look at his base salary. He makes decent money but pays 40% of it to his kids!

Titanic

Frustrating, isn't it? And you are SO doing and trying to do the right things!

If Al-Anon meets on base, it SHOULD truly be ANONYMOUS. I hope that's the case. It is not for the military brass to find out about a soldier's alcoholism or addiction THROUGH a family member's attendance at Al-Anon/Alateen on base! Am I right?

NWGRITS

If you're not going to get help, there's a pretty good chance your marriage will be over anyway. Stop worrying about what he thinks and what he feels, because an A doesn't care about what you think or feel. You can't treat an irrational disease rationally. You are in physical danger. That isn't acceptable for your well being, and it's beyond unacceptable for your children. Would you rather get out of a bad marriage or risk having him beat you black and blue one night on a bender (or worse)? Take him out of this and think about yourself and your kids. Those are your priorities right now.

Titanic

I agree with NWGRITS except I would replace the words "bad marriage" with the words "bad situation for the time being." Derbygirl can choose to leave the immediate danger without pitching the marriage out-of-hand, in the heat of the moment. Easy Does It. One Step and One Day at a Time. First Things First.

Peace.

NWGRITS

Agreed, Titanic. Get yourself to a safe place first. You can deal with the rest later. You can't fix him any more than any of us can fix the A's in our lives. God knows I tried for 20 years to fix my AM, and she's still drinking. They're going to do what their disease tells their brains to so, until they hit their bottom. Forcing an unwilling A into rehab isn't likely to work, but the threat of losing his career and everything that comes with it might push him in the right direction. You just never know. What you can know for sure is that you are never responsible for his actions. Ever. Take care of yourself. We're here for you.

SilentScout

Hi DerbyGirl,

I'm so sorry to hear your troubles but I've been there - Man, have I been there. My alcoholic ex-husband was a soldier too. I would start with your FRG leader and see if she can talk to his CO. You are entitled to BAH for you and your children - paid directly to YOU! FRG leader can advise you but I think the JAG office is another good resource.

Army wives have such a challenge getting jobs on or around bases - if your husband is active duty you are able to use Veteran's Preference when applying for jobs that puts you at the top of the interview list but I think it sounds like working might be tough to juggle with four kids.

I see you went to AA meetings - they are for the alcoholic trying to stop drinking. Alanon is for family and friends affected by an alcoholic. I found it difficult at first but they have a saying "Keep coming back" so I did and it has helped. There is alateen for kids too.

I feel for you, I'm in yet another alcoholic relationship, so I'm still learning how to break this cycle but I definitely undertand the Army Wife life and what is available to you as a spouse. I hope this helps...

Titanic

FRG = Family Readiness Group, a command sponsored organization supporting the families of soldiers.

CO = Commanding Officer

BAH = Basic Allowance for Housing

JAG = Judge Advocate General, legal services corps