12 Step Girl

I know about praying for the person I resent, but its just not coming yet. It has worked before, but for this person the resent is so strong and continual.

Does anyone have any suggestions or experiences that have worked? Please share them. I want to be relieved of this. I dont want to live in hate!! I want my head to be happy, joyous and FREE of this man!

Thanks so much.

Cap3

Hi 12 Step Girl,i hear you.Some,resentments i had had for others,when i prayed this feeling,went.,quickly.Others it took longer.Alot longer.I prayed about it.Praying all good things for them.But still felt yuky,inside.So,what i did,,was talk to my sponsor about it.Say it like i felt it,inside,of me.Even write about it,until all that i felt,was out.I was mad at the person.,deep down.Thought they knew better.Had expectations,of them,,that were not met.And i felt justified,too.Once i spoke aloud my true feelings,to my sponsor,then i was open to pray for them.Open,to really mean my prayer for them.Saw them as sick,as doing the very best that they know how to,,just like me.Through praying,i could see where my part of it all was,and work on that.I even had expectations on when to be relieved of the bondage of restments.I wanted relief now.But i even let that go,and focused,on praying for them,as now i could see them as hurting.I started to really mean my prayer,and let go and let God.My focus,changed from me,wanting relief,,to wanting,the best for them in their lives.And the bondage of resentments,left me.I dont know the time or the day.It was in God,s time,,not mine.It was when i focused on,the, good , for them,,no longer focusing on me.This is how it work for me...
Thanks for letting me share,,,
God Bless,,take care,,

constant

Yes, a magic wand would be nice, but unfortunately time is what it takes. Focusing on you and definately prayer.

Maybe worrying less about it......take a few days to only take care of you and see if the resentment lessens. I used to resent my husband, but now I feel sad that he is so lost.....can't find his own happiness and that makes me sad for him. Sometimes resentment still creeps in, but when I look at the big picture, it doesn't hang around.

I know that wasn't really great advice, but it is the best I have to offer.......don't give up!!! It WILL come!!!

Constant

Jewel

Hi, 12 step Girl,

Pray for him to be happy and well, ask God to help you to forgive him, Pray for him, even when you dont mean it, and are doing it through gritted teeth. You will find that after a week or so, you will start to mean it.

Ask God daily to help you with forgiveness, and you will feel FREE!

I was sexually abused by my Grandfather when I was a child. In recovery this is how I did it, and it WORKS.

I now forgive my grandad, I know he was sick, He is dead now and had been for many years, I was in denial while he was living, so he didn't have to pay for what he did. But I know in my heart that he will have to answer to God.

I feel free of the pain and anger today.

Pray and Pray it does work.

God Bless You

Jewel

SUNFLOWERGIRL29

I think that it helps to step back and take a look at where the other person is coming from. I too was sexually abused by someone in my past and it took years to finally forgive him (sometimes I still feel the same anger that I felt years ago). I think that by praying for the strength to feel compasion, I have been able to get over my resentments to him for the way he treated me. I try to remember that he is a sick person, someone who had a lot of pain in his life and was also abused. It doesn't excuse what he did whatsoever, but it sure is easier than letting it affect me today. Letting go of the things we can't change, including other people and the past-only ourselves and today. Trust me, its not always easy for me either-it is a conscious effort.
-SFG29

reddove

Hiya people addict

I too have had one of these problems. I found the answer in the BB p 552. Pray for everything you want for yourself to be given to them. Even if you don't mean it, and your prayers are only words. Do it every day for 2 wks & you will find you will come to mean it.

It took me 3wks b4 I meant it & I now forgive them.

God fogives us all our sins, not because God loves us, but because God wants God to be happy & healthy.

Wishing you a happy & healthy life.

reddove

smoke gets in my eyes

Find the payoff Christina. What are you getting out of hanging onto this resentment?

These were mine: A sense of righteousness. An excuse to remain a victim. The admiration of others for being so long suffering and noble. (At least from some... I didn't let myself understand that was mixed with equal doses of pity from others.)

Other possibilities? A barrier that keeps you from getting hurt again. (Nice idea except you'd just be hurting yourself instead of letting him do it.) Blame shifting. (Making sure he's the only bad guy in your mind. Painting his hat blacker so yours looks whiter.) Maybe some of the other members can offer up their own "payoff".

You have been working on this a long time. If you are still unable to let go of the anger that you have toward this man (I presume you are talking about your ex husband) then perhaps you are thriving on your own discomfort. Just like a drinker may keep punishing himself with alcohol. Think hard. What might you be getting out of being in torment?

Hugs,
Smoke

Gabe

I got really annoyed the first time this idea was suggested to me. (I generally get annoyed when someone hands me a little kernel of truth that knocks a big hole in my fictional world.)
I spent almost two months eating, living and breathing resentment and anger when Spicoli took a hike. Notice I didn't say sleeping, since I was doing precious little of that. I also had a headache every day and lost twenty pounds in a month. Sounds like a miserable way to live, but there were negative payoffs all over the place.
Since I looked and acted so miserable, everyone felt sorry for me. The guys I worked with threatened to kick Spicoli's ass on a daily basis. This appealed to my inner "damsel in distress". (Reality check: Guys in the General Contracting arena threaten to kick someone's ass every day. This was not chivalry on their part. They just wanted me back up to speed so I could effectively manage their mountains of paperwork.)
I also got tons of phone calls from family and friends who all said the same thing. They always thought that I would be the one to leave him. And that was the focus of all my anger and resentment. My kids and I lived through one version of hell after another with Spicoli. But we stuck with him and believed in him, even when he didn't believe in himself. And the payoff for all that loyalty was a great big "See Ya!" when he decided to re-invent his life.
Poor Gabe. Poor, poor Gabe. Oh yeah, the negative payoffs were all over the place. Slowly, the light dawned in my self-imposed darkness. I started to let go of the anger and resentment. I started to realize that there was indeed, life beyond Spicoli. And hey, it was a good life.
Once I decided to get busy living again, I went to see a friend's band play. I hadn't seen him since Spicoli and I broke up. He came up to me with this concerned look on his face and said "Are you okay?" I think he was expecting me to still be home, gnashing my teeth and wailing in despair. It was one of the shining moments in my life when I flashed him a big, happy smile and said, "Of course I'm okay. Why wouldn't I be?"
I gave two months of my life to anger and resentment. I'm sure that I missed a lot of good things in those two months. I have come to believe that life is too short to waste it on the negative. Do I still get angry about things? Sure I do. But I put a time limit on it. I work through whatever I'm angry about the best way I can and then I put it behind me. I did my time dancing with anger and resentment, and I just can't live there anymore. There are far better dance partners.

Justme57

Oh! Christina! I am so glad you started this thread ! I have a huge resentment happening at the moment , and although i have talked to my Sponser about it , and she has advised just what is said here, to se it in print , almost word for word, just confirms to me that she is , of course right .

As most know , I am fairly new to Sobriety, and only just learning to deal with these things sober .

Thank you !

LUV and HUGX

Lee ps . hope you are rested, will catch up in chat

myles1

Hi,

I find it helps if I look at my part in things if there is one. If I deal with my part in stuff it helps me let go of things more easily.

Ngaire

12 Step Girl

Hi

Thanks for some good good insight. I feel much better since posting. Smoke,,,,just gotta love your tough love questions. Yea, I get crap outta holding on to it. Nothing but more crap LOL. It does make me feel like a victim, martyr etc.. And thats a trap too easily comfortable.

I dont wish to hold onto it anymore. I of course want a quick fix, dont you know.

Called sponsor, cried it out, said to praye like a mo-jo for him, which I knew and do. But, thru your posts here, there is more I can do.

I can try to see what my part in it is (expectations of him)
I can see what im getting out of it (sympathy, victimization)
I can make myself focus on what I DO have (Good al anon support, friends, son, a new bike!)
I can remember when he is coming from (Alcoholic, shameful etc)

Its hard to see the man from the monster. I guess thats not too loving...maybe I;ll try what sponsor said,,,,,to love him as a child of god,,,and what he used to be and pray he finds happiness, joyousness and freedom.

Thanks again friends!!

Justme57

Smoke,
Does it count if you Pray thru gritted teeth ! ?

I hope so!

HUGX
Lee

tootiredmom

Goodness, this is my biggest struggle. I get so angry and feel so victimized and I recognize I should let go of this. I am working on this and prayer helps and a counselor helps. Also, just understanding his feelings... or trying to understand his feelings. But, I must admit, he isn't helping. When he suggests that "you need to get your priorities straight" when he is sober for 6 weeks after 20 years of drunkeness I felt like I was kicked in the the teeth and I didn't take it very well and am really having trouble letting lose. I find that just saying how I think he is wrong in saying those things seems to lessen my resentment. this is the hardest thing I have ever done, is deal with resentment and stop trying to "fix" all the problems. Thanks for posting this thread.