hopeless39

I came home last night and my AH sober for 14 months pulled out a beer and tried to lie about it then decided to admit that he slipped. I was devistated. Life had become great. He has a job, we are catching up on past due bills and my kids comment that they really like there new dad. I didn't know what to do or say I just wanted to vomit. I din't yell, I cried. Told him I was devistated, that I was not going to let it ruin my life and walked away from the situation. But obviously I was wrong because right now I should be doing other things but instead I am here. It even consumed my night mares. I wonder if I should have see a trigger. His brother who has been sober about the same amount of time slipped up saturday and he was very angree at him. (I pointed out to him that that was the way I used to feel when he first started every time I found a hidden beer or he would lie about it) another friend past away this week from alcoholism. I am just so afraid things will go back into a downhill spiral, I don't know how to react of feel. HELPPPPPPPPPP! I am lost. Thanks for letting me vent.

hnichole

I am new here but im touchwd by your post. Ive been drinking for almost two years and my husband hates it. Im a disapppointment to him. What are some ways you helped your husband?

stepsforward

I know it took me a long time to figure out that there isnt anything I can do for my RAH. Please take care of yourself - focus on YOU. If you take care of yourself you will be in a better position to handle what ever comes your way. My heart goes out to you

hopeless39

I can honestly say i don't think I did much to help him. He hit bottom himself. His younger brother has passed away from alcoholism and he was becoming progresivly sicker himself. I had put the plan in motion to kick him out and he was going to become homeless. I was numb to anything that he did. Thats when he finally decided to go to detox. 6 months later he slipped and ended up in the hospital with a chemical imbalance in his brain that was caused from drinking. He was very disoriented and didn't know where he was. The dr said that he was kucky that the next time he may not come out of it. He had been alcohol free since then. Until recently. I know this prbably didn't help much. but the one thing I did learn is he would onlu become sober if he wanted to. I could not do it for him.

Titanic

Please get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting for your own sake. Al-Anon has been a tremendous help all-around.

You already know that you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure his alcoholism. Relapse happens. He's got to get back on the horse or wagon. But, as you said, HE has to be the one to want it, to do it, and to work it.

Peace be with you.

hopeless39

I tried Al-anon. Didn't find where it helped much. Non of the stories were like mine. They didn't seem to help. Some of the people were still going to these meetings even after the AH had been gone from there lives for years. I will not alow alcoholism to consume my life to that point. I pray that this was just a slip and get right back up and continue on the great path that he has been building. On the other hand if he does not I will not spend the rest of my life hating him and letting alcohol destroy me. I will not be consumed.

WishingWell

Remember - relapse is a part of recovery - for a large segment of alcoholics. It's a process. It's seldom like a switch was flipped and they are done drinking. Instead it's baby steps for many. As hard as that is to hear.

I would get some great books and do a lot of reading. If you can afford it, I would run into therapy with someone highly experienced in addiction. I can't stress that enough - that was number 1 the best thing I've ever done for myself.

IMO pulling out a beer right in front of you was a cry for help. Is he in AA or any program? What boundaries have you set?

My last point is this and I see this attitude a lot on this forum > I will hate him.

Do you believe that addiction is a disease? A brain disorder? His younger brother died of this disease, hasn't that been made clear to you? If you think this is just a bad choice on his part, I would suggest leaving today. Now. If you do believe that it is a disease, and a baffling one at that, why would you hate him for having it? Would you hate someone who has cancer? Or someone who has clinical depression? Or is schizophrenic?

This disease is and will probably kill him if he can't stop. The disease right now is more powerful than his willpower is. Let's try to find him help . . . and I wish that there was more of it available in this country.

hopeless39

He is not in any programs he has done this all on his own with the help of a Dr. What do you mean by bounderies?

WishingWell

I'm sorry, I wasn't finished when I posted that, I added more thoughts to the above post and hope you'll read those.

Boundaries - YOUR boundaries. One of my boundaries is that I won't live with active drinking. My husband just relapsed and he is not living here at this time. Another boundary I have - I will only stay if he is in active treatment. And on it goes, we each have boundaries that work for us.

What kind of doctor is helping him?

Titanic

Boundaries. Do a search by threads on this forum with that word. Boundaries are "I" statements about what you will or will not do/accept. Your focus is NOT on getting the alcoholic to change. Rather it is about you choosing what is appropriate for you and how far you will let someone go "on you."

When the alcohol is talking (disrespect, abuse, cursing), I leave the room. And you leave if it happens.

I do dinner. I do not go out for dinner and drinks, or drinks with alcoholics. And you don't.

I do not allow alcohol in the home. And you don't.

I don't do a "drunk." And you don't.

We learn this in Al-Anon and here on SR.

Trilogy

Your post breaks my heart. No matter how long an alcoholic is sober, it is still a given that they could relapse at any time.That is the ultimate pain for us. Just when we get comfortable, have hope and start to trust again. It is blindsighting and truly devastating.I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been through the same cycle in my 30 yr. relationship with my AH. The pain is indescribable; my heart goes out to you. Pease consider all of the wisdom from those responding to your post on how to take care of and protect yourself. As long as we are in a relationship with an alcoholic, no matter how long they have been sober, this is always a possibility.

WishingWell

"Just when we get comfortable, have hope and start to trust again. It is blindsighting and truly devastating."

It is the hardest part and I've been thinking a lot about this!! We lose our optimism.

I agree -