Devastated. He broke up with me last night (A Novel)
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Wait a minute.... are you saying he did a full court press to get you leave the security of having your own home into his apartment and now he just expects you to pack up and leave????
Just like that???
I don't think so. Not fair... not right. Why should you have to suffer and be the victim and bear the additional expenses of this?
He needs to pack up his stuff and be apologetic for his "misunderstanding his own feelings and intentions"... grrrrrrrr.
I don't know what state you are in but he invited you into that apartment and you are now a resident with rights and you need to think about what best serves you and your own interests.
Just sayin....
Just like that???
I don't think so. Not fair... not right. Why should you have to suffer and be the victim and bear the additional expenses of this?
He needs to pack up his stuff and be apologetic for his "misunderstanding his own feelings and intentions"... grrrrrrrr.
I don't know what state you are in but he invited you into that apartment and you are now a resident with rights and you need to think about what best serves you and your own interests.
Just sayin....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by Hopeworks 
Wait a minute.... are you saying he did a full court press to get you leave the security of having your own home into his apartment and now he just expects you to pack up and leave????
Just like that???
I don't think so. Not fair... not right. Why should you have to suffer and be the victim and bear the additional expenses of this?
He needs to pack up his stuff and be apologetic for his "misunderstanding his own feelings and intentions"... grrrrrrrr.
I don't know what state you are in but he invited you into that apartment and you are now a resident with rights and you need to think about what best serves you and your own interests.
Just sayin....
Just like that???
I don't think so. Not fair... not right. Why should you have to suffer and be the victim and bear the additional expenses of this?
He needs to pack up his stuff and be apologetic for his "misunderstanding his own feelings and intentions"... grrrrrrrr.
I don't know what state you are in but he invited you into that apartment and you are now a resident with rights and you need to think about what best serves you and your own interests.
Just sayin....
So after a month or so of keeping my apartment but staying with him almost every night, I agreed to move in because my old apartment was getting stifling, I had been living with roommates and didn't want to anymore, his new apartment offered the opportunity to have a real grownup apartment living with a man I loved (another thing I always wanted) and because he seemed so clear that we were serious enough to give it a try. So I was there from the beginning picking out stuff and deciding on where to hang things.
He immediately set up my own closet and bedside table and my own bureau and my own sink in the bathroom. He cooked wonderful dinners for us every night and made me breakfast and coffee every morning. It was all very domestic and nice. (except for the escalating alcoholism, a big exception).
Now given the sudden breakup I don't know what he expects in terms of my moving or the living situation. We didn't talk at all about that last night. I imagine he will not push for me to leave immediately, especially since he is not sleeping here now.
The legal right for me to stay may be there, but i don't know that I want to force that fight. He is a lawyer
I am torn about what to do, how quickly to move out. I got very depressed and weepy when I started looking at real estate postings. It's overwhelming and unexpected.
I do know that:
1) I can't afford this apartment on my own, its very expensive and he has a lot more money than I do,
2) I feel very strange to be here surrounded by all his things. I didn't bring a lot of furniture with me because my stuff was crappy and not worth keeping, since he had such nice things. So if I moved I would also have the additional expense of buying all new things.
3) My heart is just not into setting up a new apartment. To spare the effort of getting new stuff, I started looking at furnished room options, but those are all roommate situations, which I had wanted to avoid. It feels like a step back away from adulthood.
4) Yet it feels very weird to imagine living here, sleeping on my side of our bed, taking care of his cats, knowing he can and will come over whenever he wants. And I imagine in a month or so he will leave the sober house and move back here.
So for my own sanity, I think I will have to move. But how and when that happens is unclear.
You are absolutely correct that having to move out quickly would be unfair. One of the many things that feels unfair about this situation.
Moving into a new place was not something I was expecting to have to pay for or do this fall.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
Hmm... have you contacted student housing at your university?
By the way, there are many adults who decide for financial reasons to join into a group, pool their finances and rent a larger apartment or house. Being an adult doesn't mean you can't live with a roommate or two.
Anyone else remember that old TV show "Three's Company"?
To spare the effort of getting new stuff, I started looking at furnished room options, but those are all roommate situations, which I had wanted to avoid. It feels like a step back away from adulthood.
Anyone else remember that old TV show "Three's Company"?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
If you have your own income, start applying for a new apartment now. Do not wait. Being there is unhealthy for you in a hundred ways.
I have seen, again, the pattern you have described regarding the summer: the partner of the alcoholic begins to express some doubts about how the relationship is going. The alcoholic says "I'm afraid you're going to leave me." And that is an instant hook. And it seems to always work. The partner not only stays, but feels an intense joy that not only does she matter so much to him, but now she is certain she will not be abandoned by him. For any codependent with an abandonment history, this is a set-up for trauma-repetition. When the alcoholic does inevitably betray and disappear, the deeper trauma wounds of the past (likely in childhood) are triggered. It feels like a death. It takes her down.
There is something in the wounded child who grows up to adulthood which needs to feel needed. And a "sensitive", "lost", "struggling", drug addict or alcoholic makes her feel safe. Because he needs her. He's so messed up, surely he won't leave her. He says that she is an angel.
We have to work on our own issues so that we disengage from this pattern.
About living alone: one in four people in New York City live alone and even more in San Francisco. And most of them are young like you and they LOVE living alone. They consider it a privilege and a luxury. This does not mean you need to feel that way. But that living alone is not a statement about anything. It is a choice one makes for a particular passage of time.
It isn't healthy for you to stay there. Find yourself a safe place as soon as you can. Many of us have had to walk away from nice homes, money, pets, community, because we had to get away from an alcoholic. There is great risk in engaging in a power struggle with an alcoholic. Your partner isn't drinking, as far as you know. But he's barely sober. His is still an alcoholic mind and alcoholics like control. Their disease likes control and when it doesn't get control, it likes resentment. So I would move myself out as soon as possible, if I were in your situation.
You keep replaying this in your head because you are fooled. He has an alcoholic mind and though he has some weeks of sobriety, that alcoholic thinking is still captain of the ship and will be for some time. The alcoholic mind thinks that other people are the problem. You do not need to be in this line of fire.
As many of us have done, you will replay warm and intimate scenes in your mind and contrast them against the sudden ending and you will just not be able to believe it. You will feel crazy.
It will be best for you if you see him as a non-recovering addict. It will help you let go for today. It will help you get out. You need to get your own space and begin to deal with what this has brought up in you. It's deep and counseling would help.
Do not try to foretell any kind of future. Today this is your challenge and just meet what is happening today. Place tomorrow in the care of your Higher Power.
Tell everyone who loves you that you need help. Love and help.
I have seen, again, the pattern you have described regarding the summer: the partner of the alcoholic begins to express some doubts about how the relationship is going. The alcoholic says "I'm afraid you're going to leave me." And that is an instant hook. And it seems to always work. The partner not only stays, but feels an intense joy that not only does she matter so much to him, but now she is certain she will not be abandoned by him. For any codependent with an abandonment history, this is a set-up for trauma-repetition. When the alcoholic does inevitably betray and disappear, the deeper trauma wounds of the past (likely in childhood) are triggered. It feels like a death. It takes her down.
There is something in the wounded child who grows up to adulthood which needs to feel needed. And a "sensitive", "lost", "struggling", drug addict or alcoholic makes her feel safe. Because he needs her. He's so messed up, surely he won't leave her. He says that she is an angel.
We have to work on our own issues so that we disengage from this pattern.
About living alone: one in four people in New York City live alone and even more in San Francisco. And most of them are young like you and they LOVE living alone. They consider it a privilege and a luxury. This does not mean you need to feel that way. But that living alone is not a statement about anything. It is a choice one makes for a particular passage of time.
It isn't healthy for you to stay there. Find yourself a safe place as soon as you can. Many of us have had to walk away from nice homes, money, pets, community, because we had to get away from an alcoholic. There is great risk in engaging in a power struggle with an alcoholic. Your partner isn't drinking, as far as you know. But he's barely sober. His is still an alcoholic mind and alcoholics like control. Their disease likes control and when it doesn't get control, it likes resentment. So I would move myself out as soon as possible, if I were in your situation.
You keep replaying this in your head because you are fooled. He has an alcoholic mind and though he has some weeks of sobriety, that alcoholic thinking is still captain of the ship and will be for some time. The alcoholic mind thinks that other people are the problem. You do not need to be in this line of fire.
As many of us have done, you will replay warm and intimate scenes in your mind and contrast them against the sudden ending and you will just not be able to believe it. You will feel crazy.
It will be best for you if you see him as a non-recovering addict. It will help you let go for today. It will help you get out. You need to get your own space and begin to deal with what this has brought up in you. It's deep and counseling would help.
Do not try to foretell any kind of future. Today this is your challenge and just meet what is happening today. Place tomorrow in the care of your Higher Power.
Tell everyone who loves you that you need help. Love and help.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 166
Wow, this post has been so helpful. I totally get that moth to a flame feeling. I honestly can say with my axgf, who broke up with me last week after 4 yrs, we didn't have a magical connection, all we did is fight. Yet, I feel such a sense of loss. I keep telling myself its magical thinking. The reality is she sucked as a partner. But I go minute by minute sometimes just to keep myself from contacting her.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by emeraldsea
Yes, triple whammy feels about right.
I feel very ashamed and humiliated as well as angry. I also feel fooled. And therefore very betrayed and angry at him. Kind of stunned.
I have long endured the lectures from friends about how I should leave him and why i am staying with him, and I always responded that it was such a wonderful relationship in so many ways. His going into treatment felt like such a triumph for us.
I wasn't just weaving this fantasy of marriage and kids out of nothing in my own head. I started believing in that possibility because of what he continually said, because he was absolutely committed to convincing me that that was in the cards for us. I have never had someone do such a hard court press to get me to commit, then to get me to move in etc. He said he would move anywhere with me. We talked about what conditions would need to be in place for us to have kids.
While I had my serious doubts due to his escalating drinking, I stayed in part because I was so in love with him. I ate up his words, because they seemed to offer me what I wanted more than anything.
I really don't think he was lying or insincere. As he said last night, he was not before, but is now being more honest with himself about how screwed up he truly is. Those promises and plans were the expressions of a man in deep denial of his deteriorating condition. I also think he used our relationship as a sign that things must not be so bad with him. Look, he would say to his family when they expressed concern, I have this great girlfriend, so I can't be that bad.
Over the summer, when we talked, he had repeatedly expressed concern I wouldn't want to be in the relationship anymore. I felt like the doubting one and he was the man in love and committed. And in early September, I had expressed doubts about moving back in with him after being away all summer. He convinced me that it made sense to stay in our apartment in part because he wouldn't be there all the time and it would give us a chance to get to know each other again under these new conditions. Even a little over a week ago he felt hurt that I had any doubts at all about the relationship. We can support each other through our issues, he urged.
So based on the visible progress, I have been working to believe more in him and trust more in his progress. All signs pointed to that being a reasonable working belief to hold. He seemed unwavering in his commitment to me. That things were and would continue to get better.
I thought that I would actually be rewarded by waiting things out. That proving my love by staying with him would strengthen our bond. And that a healthy relationship would be the end result.
Now he has done a complete reversal. Not just retreating as I thought was happening last week, but in fact completely and suddenly dropping the relationship. It's like a con-man took over, or the conman was there all along.
It makes me question everything that came before. And it makes me question my own sanity in believing anything he said. I feel like I have whiplash.
I am left with no relationship, not at a time when things were a disaster and it would have normal for me to leave, but just as things have been improving, which feels like a sick paradox. I got nothing from my show of love and commitment, and his words of love and commitment vanished overnight. My trust has been betrayed.
I also feel homeless on top of losing my relationship. I am upset with myself and him for trusting him enough to give up my apartment. Now I am stuck in this place that was set up to be ours, but is still really his. Suddenly I am no longer wanted as a live-in partner here. Yet I have nowhere else to live right now. I have friends to spend a night or two with.
So I am still dependent on him for now. It feels humiliating and it hurts so terribly. Devastating, as I wrote in my initial post.
Triple whammy for sure.
I feel very ashamed and humiliated as well as angry. I also feel fooled. And therefore very betrayed and angry at him. Kind of stunned.
I have long endured the lectures from friends about how I should leave him and why i am staying with him, and I always responded that it was such a wonderful relationship in so many ways. His going into treatment felt like such a triumph for us.
I wasn't just weaving this fantasy of marriage and kids out of nothing in my own head. I started believing in that possibility because of what he continually said, because he was absolutely committed to convincing me that that was in the cards for us. I have never had someone do such a hard court press to get me to commit, then to get me to move in etc. He said he would move anywhere with me. We talked about what conditions would need to be in place for us to have kids.
While I had my serious doubts due to his escalating drinking, I stayed in part because I was so in love with him. I ate up his words, because they seemed to offer me what I wanted more than anything.
I really don't think he was lying or insincere. As he said last night, he was not before, but is now being more honest with himself about how screwed up he truly is. Those promises and plans were the expressions of a man in deep denial of his deteriorating condition. I also think he used our relationship as a sign that things must not be so bad with him. Look, he would say to his family when they expressed concern, I have this great girlfriend, so I can't be that bad.
Over the summer, when we talked, he had repeatedly expressed concern I wouldn't want to be in the relationship anymore. I felt like the doubting one and he was the man in love and committed. And in early September, I had expressed doubts about moving back in with him after being away all summer. He convinced me that it made sense to stay in our apartment in part because he wouldn't be there all the time and it would give us a chance to get to know each other again under these new conditions. Even a little over a week ago he felt hurt that I had any doubts at all about the relationship. We can support each other through our issues, he urged.
So based on the visible progress, I have been working to believe more in him and trust more in his progress. All signs pointed to that being a reasonable working belief to hold. He seemed unwavering in his commitment to me. That things were and would continue to get better.
I thought that I would actually be rewarded by waiting things out. That proving my love by staying with him would strengthen our bond. And that a healthy relationship would be the end result.
Now he has done a complete reversal. Not just retreating as I thought was happening last week, but in fact completely and suddenly dropping the relationship. It's like a con-man took over, or the conman was there all along.
It makes me question everything that came before. And it makes me question my own sanity in believing anything he said. I feel like I have whiplash.
I am left with no relationship, not at a time when things were a disaster and it would have normal for me to leave, but just as things have been improving, which feels like a sick paradox. I got nothing from my show of love and commitment, and his words of love and commitment vanished overnight. My trust has been betrayed.
I also feel homeless on top of losing my relationship. I am upset with myself and him for trusting him enough to give up my apartment. Now I am stuck in this place that was set up to be ours, but is still really his. Suddenly I am no longer wanted as a live-in partner here. Yet I have nowhere else to live right now. I have friends to spend a night or two with.
So I am still dependent on him for now. It feels humiliating and it hurts so terribly. Devastating, as I wrote in my initial post.
Triple whammy for sure.
I remember thinking, "I waited around, through some pretty serious crap, for this?!" It was a true WTF moment that I am still recovering from.
But in the end, it is what it is. He has choices and I have to respect them, even if I don't agree with them. He chose to end the marriage. It's his right to do that. And no amount of "understanding" will make it hurt any less for me. Rejection just hurts.
Hang in there. Be very good to yourself right now.
~T
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
This is helpful way to think of it: having me in his life causes too much pressure because it makes him feel responsible for my emotional well being, being a good boyfriend, and knowing that the success of the relationship depends on his continued sobriety, which are all pressures piled on top of worrying on a daily basis that he will fail in his agonizing daily struggle for sobriety.
And if he fails in sobriety with me there as his partner and expecting him to succeed, he will feel even worse. And if my happiness with him is also tied to his recovery, which it is as his partner, then he will feels more pressure.
Not to mention that I expect him to be able to think about me and my life, and follow through on plans and return calls. Little things like that.
So he can't tackle sobriety and give me what I need at the same time. Its unclear whether he would ever be able to meet my needs, but for now he clearly can't. Or won't.
He said something similar in the talk last night, but it didn't seem honest. It seemed like a cliched excuse to breakup, along the lines of the classic 'it's not you, it's me'.
Somehow katiekate, putting it like this starts to make sense to me.
Well sweets xoxoxoxo I'm not sure about all of that, their may be some slivers of truth there, I think what I realized was to separate the man from the addict, the minute the addict became active, the man was gone, and as the disease progresses, which is highly likely , the man will be lost. I know a lot about my xabf, I know more about his behavior than he does, he's not interested, all he is interested in is making sure I don't come between him and his next drink. He broke it off with me many times, many many , as did I. It was agony, more agony than the healing process. I fought it too. I'm so glad I'm not fighting anymore.
And if he fails in sobriety with me there as his partner and expecting him to succeed, he will feel even worse. And if my happiness with him is also tied to his recovery, which it is as his partner, then he will feels more pressure.
Not to mention that I expect him to be able to think about me and my life, and follow through on plans and return calls. Little things like that.
So he can't tackle sobriety and give me what I need at the same time. Its unclear whether he would ever be able to meet my needs, but for now he clearly can't. Or won't.
He said something similar in the talk last night, but it didn't seem honest. It seemed like a cliched excuse to breakup, along the lines of the classic 'it's not you, it's me'.
Somehow katiekate, putting it like this starts to make sense to me.
Well sweets xoxoxoxo I'm not sure about all of that, their may be some slivers of truth there, I think what I realized was to separate the man from the addict, the minute the addict became active, the man was gone, and as the disease progresses, which is highly likely , the man will be lost. I know a lot about my xabf, I know more about his behavior than he does, he's not interested, all he is interested in is making sure I don't come between him and his next drink. He broke it off with me many times, many many , as did I. It was agony, more agony than the healing process. I fought it too. I'm so glad I'm not fighting anymore.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by pattyG
Wow, this post has been so helpful. I totally get that moth to a flame feeling. I honestly can say with my axgf, who broke up with me last week after 4 yrs, we didn't have a magical connection, all we did is fight. Yet, I feel such a sense of loss. I keep telling myself its magical thinking. The reality is she sucked as a partner. But I go minute by minute sometimes just to keep myself from contacting her.
It's so hard. xoxoox
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
I have seen, again, the pattern you have described regarding the summer: the partner of the alcoholic begins to express some doubts about how the relationship is going. The alcoholic says "I'm afraid you're going to leave me." And that is an instant hook. And it seems to always work. The partner not only stays, but feels an intense joy that not only does she matter so much to him, but now she is certain she will not be abandoned by him. For any codependent with an abandonment history, this is a set-up for trauma-repetition. When the alcoholic does inevitably betray and disappear, the deeper trauma wounds of the past (likely in childhood) are triggered. It feels like a death. It takes her down.
There is something in the wounded child who grows up to adulthood which needs to feel needed. And a "sensitive", "lost", "struggling", drug addict or alcoholic makes her feel safe. Because he needs her. He's so messed up, surely he won't leave her. He says that she is an angel.
How, in the midst of the chaos and the borderline abusive rants and drunkenness, there still was a deep feeling of safety and comfort in being with him. Because he wanted to be with me so badly. He was sooo terrified that I would leave him, so all of his energy was directed at making sure I would stay. And that need and love was such a source of joy and comfort to me that it made it virtually impossible to imagine leaving. He would praise me and be so physically and dramatically affectionate all the time. He would pick up in the street and swing me around and kiss me. He would make dramatic pronouncements of love. People in his life told me I was like a saviour to him, which made me uneasy but also boosted my ego. It was like a drug.
I thought I was totally safe from being left. In fact, he always said that I had all the power in the relationship, because I was the one with doubts.
We even went to couples therapy last spring for a few sessions and he spoke very openly about his deep fears that I would leave him and how that created an anxious dynamic. This fear of his came up again and again.
Before our talk last night, I said to some friends that I was afraid that he would break up with me. And they all said, absolutely not, he's crazy about you, he always wants to work things out with you.
So my head is spinning. And yes, it absolutely feels like a death.
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
It isn't healthy for you to stay there. Find yourself a safe place as soon as you can.
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
You keep replaying this in your head because you are fooled. He has an alcoholic mind and though he has some weeks of sobriety, that alcoholic thinking is still captain of the ship and will be for some time. The alcoholic mind thinks that other people are the problem. You do not need to be in this line of fire.
As many of us have done, you will replay warm and intimate scenes in your mind and contrast them against the sudden ending and you will just not be able to believe it. You will feel crazy.
As many of us have done, you will replay warm and intimate scenes in your mind and contrast them against the sudden ending and you will just not be able to believe it. You will feel crazy.
Does he think that I am the problem? Is that part of this? Or maybe just that cutting me out will help clear his head. I don't get it.
Yes, I feel like I am really going crazy. I have spent all day talking to people on the phone and being on this site. I can't put it aside. I am consumed.
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
It will be best for you if you see him as a non-recovering addict. It will help you let go for today. It will help you get out. You need to get your own space and begin to deal with what this has brought up in you. It's deep and counseling would help.
Do not try to foretell any kind of future. Today this is your challenge and just meet what is happening today. Place tomorrow in the care of your Higher Power.
Tell everyone who loves you that you need help. Love and help.
Do not try to foretell any kind of future. Today this is your challenge and just meet what is happening today. Place tomorrow in the care of your Higher Power.
Tell everyone who loves you that you need help. Love and help.
I am so thankful to have this place where people understand.
Thank you. This is a wonderful suggestion of how to view the situation. I will try to do this imagining. Seeing him as a sick individual rather than the healthy person I had thought he had changed into.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by Katiekate
Well sweets xoxoxoxo I'm not sure about all of that, their may be some slivers of truth there, I think what I realized was to separate the man from the addict, the minute the addict became active, the man was gone, and as the disease progresses, which is highly likely , the man will be lost. I know a lot about my xabf, I know more about his behavior than he does, he's not interested, all he is interested in is making sure I don't come between him and his next drink. He broke it off with me many times, many many , as did I. It was agony, more agony than the healing process. I fought it too. I'm so glad I'm not fighting anymore.
Are you saying there is a similar dynamic in early recovery? That my sheer presence is coming between him and his issues, so I have to be cut out?
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Alabama
Posts: 239
After reading your thread, it just made me want to hug you and tell you it would be alright.
I think all the responses have been gold, so I will just throw my small response in.
My father was not an alcoholic, he was a womanholic, and it changed my life. So no matter what the vice, it is destructive. Not to sound insensitive, but as a guy I really respect him being upfront. Most people find out things after commitment, not before (when I say that I mean marriage, I know you thought you were there). I am not saying you both will ever be together, but he has laid out his decision before marriage, and I think that is a positive for both of you.
If he knows he has a problem, he needs to deal with that alone, that 's what he feels is necessary in the short term.
Sorry if this is sounds blunt, but if I was in his position twenty years ago, that would have been the correct decision for me, but I would not have done it.
Rely on family and friends and remember "Love Stinks"
Great thoughts flowing your way,
Toss
I think all the responses have been gold, so I will just throw my small response in.
My father was not an alcoholic, he was a womanholic, and it changed my life. So no matter what the vice, it is destructive. Not to sound insensitive, but as a guy I really respect him being upfront. Most people find out things after commitment, not before (when I say that I mean marriage, I know you thought you were there). I am not saying you both will ever be together, but he has laid out his decision before marriage, and I think that is a positive for both of you.
If he knows he has a problem, he needs to deal with that alone, that 's what he feels is necessary in the short term.
Sorry if this is sounds blunt, but if I was in his position twenty years ago, that would have been the correct decision for me, but I would not have done it.
Rely on family and friends and remember "Love Stinks"
Great thoughts flowing your way,
Toss
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by emeraldsea
I understand that description of an active drinker, but my(X)R?ABF seems to be working so hard on his recovery. He seems to be coming back into focus, not being lost.
Are you saying there is a similar dynamic in early recovery? That my sheer presence is coming between him and his issues, so I have to be cut out?
Are you saying there is a similar dynamic in early recovery? That my sheer presence is coming between him and his issues, so I have to be cut out?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: sydney nsw
Posts: 50
emerald, i have just had a mini 'potted' version of exactly your story in my life. it has been mindblowing. despite being devastated at being dismissed, and hurt, and angry etc etc i am also becoming grateful that it happened as time passes. i think i have dodged a bullet as much as it hurts. its astonishing how very identical the behaviour is. the feeling there are other agendas, and you dont have the 100% truth, yes i have that too. big hugs to you, i know EXACTLY how you feel. x
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Aside from the devastation you are feeling which is important,he is absolutely unavailable for a relationship. He is only 80 days sober. The first couple of years and I,m being kind are absolutely insane for us A,s getting sober. You DON'T want to be on our rollercoaster with us.
Try to stick to no contact with him and don,t give away your power to him. It,s hard and devastating this situation but you are a valuable person. You don,t need the emotional upset.
Ngaire
Try to stick to no contact with him and don,t give away your power to him. It,s hard and devastating this situation but you are a valuable person. You don,t need the emotional upset.
Ngaire
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Originally Posted by emeraldsea
T
How, in the midst of the chaos and the borderline abusive rants and drunkenness, there still was a deep feeling of safety and comfort in being with him. Because he wanted to be with me so badly. He was sooo terrified that I would leave him, so all of his energy was directed at making sure I would stay. And that need and love was such a source of joy and comfort to me that it made it virtually impossible to imagine leaving. He would praise me and be so physically and dramatically affectionate all the time. He would pick up in the street and swing me around and kiss me. He would make dramatic pronouncements of love. People in his life told me I was like a saviour to him, which made me uneasy but also boosted my ego. It was like a drug.
I thought I was totally safe from being left. In fact, he always said that I had all the power in the relationship, because I was the one with doubts.
How, in the midst of the chaos and the borderline abusive rants and drunkenness, there still was a deep feeling of safety and comfort in being with him. Because he wanted to be with me so badly. He was sooo terrified that I would leave him, so all of his energy was directed at making sure I would stay. And that need and love was such a source of joy and comfort to me that it made it virtually impossible to imagine leaving. He would praise me and be so physically and dramatically affectionate all the time. He would pick up in the street and swing me around and kiss me. He would make dramatic pronouncements of love. People in his life told me I was like a saviour to him, which made me uneasy but also boosted my ego. It was like a drug.
I thought I was totally safe from being left. In fact, he always said that I had all the power in the relationship, because I was the one with doubts.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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EmeraldSea,
It sounds like he did the classic newly recovering Alcoholic/Addict thing, he replaced his alcohol addiction with you. Unfortunately you got caught in the cross-fire of that. It's not unusual when people are getting sober they transfer their addictions onto other people or other substances like eating or working for example.
That's why it's just so unstable to have a relationship with newly sober A's.
Hang in there. Do you go to FTF Alanon meetings???
Ngaire
It sounds like he did the classic newly recovering Alcoholic/Addict thing, he replaced his alcohol addiction with you. Unfortunately you got caught in the cross-fire of that. It's not unusual when people are getting sober they transfer their addictions onto other people or other substances like eating or working for example.
That's why it's just so unstable to have a relationship with newly sober A's.
Hang in there. Do you go to FTF Alanon meetings???
Ngaire
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by Earthworm
It sounds like he did the classic newly recovering Alcoholic/Addict thing, he replaced his alcohol addiction with you. Unfortunately you got caught in the cross-fire of that. It's not unusual when people are getting sober they transfer their addictions onto other people or other substances like eating or working for example.
That's why it's just so unstable to have a relationship with newly sober A's.
Hang in there. Do you go to FTF Alanon meetings???
It feels now like the whole relationship involved me getting caught, or throwing myself, right into the crossfire. I could see that he was getting out of control but I found myself incapable of extricating myself. The highs were just too high.
Yes, I have been going to Alanon meetings. I haven't been to enough to feel much relief from them, especially now that the relationship has collapsed, but I see their value and will keep going.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by Earthworm
You DON'T want to be on our rollercoaster with us.
Try to stick to no contact with him and don,t give away your power to him. It,s hard and devastating this situation but you are a valuable person. You don,t need the emotional upset.
Yesterday we hung out for a few hours, and it was just so wonderful. We just talked about general things, and went out for lunch and there was such warmth between us even though we were keeping our physical distance. it felt so good to see that the caring and affection between us was still there.
Nothing physical happened, which of course was good rationally, but it still felt so painful to have him not touch me. It was the first time we have ever walked down the street without holding hands or having him with his arm around me. That distance felt so sad. But we hugged for about five minutes on the street before he had to go back. That felt so real and tender.
Maybe this is all unhealthy, and not sustainable, but I have to say despite the painful parts I left our lunch date feeling lighter than I have in days. I felt like he cared about me and wasn't just throwing me away as I have felt lately.
This is proof of my addiction to him I guess. Maybe it will be impossible to heal while still hanging out, but I just don't want to lose him. Ugh.
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