devastated1

Hi. I've never joined a group or posted before but I am desperate for answers. My 23 yr. old son is an alocholic and it's tearing our family apart. He has been arrested for drinking offenses 8 times with 2 of them DUIs. He is in his last semester of college but I literally pray every night he makes it through without being arrested. He drinks until he blacks out and can't even remember the next day what he did. I would think he would have hit rock bottom by now after being arrested, losing his license, girlfriends, friends, etc. but he still drinks. Do I shut him off to help him hit bottom? Keep being there for him? I just want it to end. My heart is breaking....

Knitter

Many more people will be along to respond to you. I
know your pain. I am typing on a smart phone now or I would say more. I will write more tomorrow when I have my computer. Please consider Al-Anon if you haven't yet attended. It saved my sanity.

Titanic

Welcome to SR. So sorry that, once again, yet another parent is confused, in pain and despairs because of an alcoholic.

My suggestion to you would be to read this Forum's recent threads about enabling, boundaries, acceptance and letting go. Also, get to Al-Anon meetings as soon as possible. Read the F&F stickies here and in the F&F of Substance Abusers forum, and the thread on 10 ways family members can help.

You will find so much help here from members, but be prepared that tough (but well-meaning) talk will be dished out. For most of us, that is exactly what we need to hear. The raw truth, not mere pats or pity.

All the best.

WishingWell

So many good books out there for you to read.

Melanie Beatie's "Codependent No More".

"No More Letting Go: The Spirituality of Taking Action Against Alcoholism and Drug Addiction" by Debra Jay

"Under the Influence: A Guide to the Myths and Realities of Alcoholism" James Milham

And Alanon. If you can find a meeting, I would suggest going!

So sorry that your family is being pulled apart by this. There is one upside, he's young and he's hitting the ground hard. If he can find his way to sobriety - he will have an entire life of health. My hopes are with you tonight!

WishingWell

10 Ways Family Members Can Help

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

NWGRITS

You've already gotten the best advice for your current stage in this complicated dance, so I'm just goung to welcome you to SR! Please keep posting and reading. As someone already mentioned, we give tough love and don't sugarcoat things. We do it because we love everyone and we want to see you get into recovery and begin to heal. Again, welcome!

MsPINKAcres

Hate so much to hear about your son's struggle with this disease of alcoholism ~ it is a painful thing to watch our innocent children become adults controlled by a substance.

So glad you are reaching out for help for you ~

One of the first things I learned in this process was the 3 c's

I didn't cause it
I can't control it
I can't cure it

That was tough for me because I was sure I could help some how!!

Please keep reading, post, and reaching out for help - there are many supportive people here that have walked this path and are still dealing with the same issues.

We have found no cure, but we are learning to live Happy, Joyous and Free - regardless of the chaos surrounding us.

PINK HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude & serenity)
Rita

devastated1

I woke up and read these responses after another difficult night. Thank you all for your advice. I feel like I am the only person I know who feels this way. I don't think anyone could understand unless they have gone through it. It is so hard to let go because I am all my son has. He's lost his friends, girlfriend and his dad is also an alcoholic and not involved and there for him. I worry that if I walk away, he might hurt himself and then I couldn't forgive myself. I am very torn. I am going to try though and want this craziness to end.

Titanic

You are NOT alone! There are many threads here on this forum from parents of alcoholics. Search the site for the terms AS (Alcoholic Son), DS (Dear Son) and DAS. Also, same with D instead of an S.

Adult Children of Alcoholics have it tough. Check that Forum here, including the stickies as well as the Al-Anon stories and info here For Parents as well as the ACoA traits and other info here The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.

Peace to you.

BlueSkiesAgain

I'm sorry I can't offer any advice. I can say that I'm in the exact same position except my son is 21 and graduating college this year and was arrested a few months ago for public intoxication (I think was the charge).

We gave him the option of staying home and following the rules or moving out on his own. He moved out on Sunday.

This thread pretty much sums up where we are now.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...d-hopeful.html

We should stay in touch since it seems we are at the same place in the process with sons that seem to be in the same place in their lives.

WishingWell

It is so wonderful for you BlueSkies and Devastated to have met on these boards. Having someone relate goes a longgggggggggggg way to finding peace. Bless you both!

devastated1

To Blueskys, My son will graduate hopefully in December too. It sounds like we do have a lot in common. When did your son start drinking? Where will he live since he is moving out?

BlueSkiesAgain

He will live on a friends sofa until the roommate moves out next month. He wants to come back home until January and get his own place. He has once chance to come back home and follow the rules and he knows that we mean it.

He started drinking at 16. Amazing we didn't he know he drank until about a year ago. He was away at school in another state so we didn't see the day to day effects on him until he had to take a medical leave.

devastated1

I also have a younger daughter who is 17. It is very upsetting for our family. She is so worried to have friends over when he is home in case he would come home drunk. My son also started at 16 but we knew he had a problem. He has gotten in trouble several times since then. We didn't realize it was this bad either until he went to Utah to do his college internship and got a DUI and public intox. He totaled the car and now can't drive. I also worry that his background will affect him getting a job.

Toss

devastated and Blue,

I have no advice but what others have said, read the threads on the site, it will definitely help. I have an 8 year old son and your situation prepares me. I am currently a functioning alcoholic, but so far I follow all the rules. So I guess my Mom has an alcoholic as a son, but doesn't know it (I'm in my 40's).

Just know that the road is long and complicated. Both of you are in my thoughts.

Toss

HopefulmomtoD

My 22 RAS is an alcoholic. He is now on six months of sobriety (except for a one day, one drink/taste relapse) and is living in a sober living home/program. Your son needs help desperately and I feel so sad knowing and understanding the pain that both of you are in. I know many alcoholics recover on their own- my son needed a detox and rehab. He recognized for a while that he had a serious problem and needed help, but could never do it by himself.

Is he covered by insurance? Can you give him the choice either go to rehab and get help or no more support/help from you?

WitsEnd1953

Dear Devastated1, I feel like we are living the same life. My AS has had 2 DUIs, lost a bunch of jobs, lost his son's mama, has lost all of the family except for us, his parents and the sad part is he is 35 and still living here. We finally started setting boundries and rules just yesterday, if it works that will be great, but he is still on probation so if it doesn't work he goes back to jail. It's not too late for you to set boundries, don't enable, don't be co-dependent. There is alot of really wonderful information on this site and I've only been here 2 days. Don't give up I will pray for you and your AS.