BlueSkies1

the panic set in. My mind started racing, worrying, pitying, scared, even thoughts of love and saving him... He sounded deranged almost...it was so irrational. I believe he is still actively drinking daily.
The headache started last night, then I had trouble sleeping, and it is still there today after taking aspirin.
And this used to be my daily life????
My daily life!
How did I endure?
I sure can't take this stuff now, I must be out of practice...this is a bad headache and I am going back to bed.

ShootingStar1

MadeOfGlass, exactly the same thing happened to me last night. I was listening to one of the videos on narcissism that LearnToLive posted on the narcissism site. It was shocking in its accuracy, and yet I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that that was who AH was, who is he is. I couldn't believe that he really was so self centered and destructive.

As the video finished, my cell phone rang and it was my AH and without thinking I answered. Then an e-mail from him showed up on my screen. It said that he thought the only reason I wasn't settling the financial stuff was that I didn't want to divorce him and he would renounce sex and take me back. Tucked in there on the screen was the phrase "and I love you".

And that's what he said, after chiding me for not having already bought myself a house because housing prices are suddenly going up, and by the spring they may be up 20% and I might be shut out of the market. He will take me back and I am making a big mistake. BIGGGGGGG mistake.

Like you I was floored.

the panic set in. My mind started racing, worrying, pitying, scared, even thoughts of love and saving him... He sounded deranged almost...it was so irrational. I believe he is still actively drinking daily.
The headache started last night, then I had trouble sleeping, and it is still there today after taking aspirin.

I could have written this. I cried last night. The grief is just swamping me. I can't get my head together today. All I can think of is why am I doing this, why am I here among all these boxes. Had to spend a grueling 2 hours Monday with the lawyer pushing me forward on the financial stuff. Looking for records today, I found my wedding picture.

And I cried more and more. I don't mean to hijack your thread. I so understand what you wrote. Going back to bed may be the best option. Maybe for a LOOOOOOONNNNNG time.

Maybe we can post each other privately. I am kind of beside myself. One slip in no contact and look where I slid. So fast, so far, so deep.

I am so glad that you are to the point where you can say

And this used to be my daily life????
My daily life!
How did I endure?

That is a healthy place to be. This is not your daily life now, and that is good. I hope your nap re-orients your feelings. Kind of like re-booting the computer. How did you get there? I clearly need to do a lot more work to get beyond being so quickly and deeply thrown by his voice, his wants, his needs.

Think I will get showered and dressed up pretty and go to the harbor with my little dog. Buy the rest of the stuff to make chili. If I can stop crying.
Why is this so G*#d*nmd hard? Don't I have any sense of self?

BothSidesNow

fedup3

It's hard to recover from an addiction, one day at a time!

Learn2Live

I have to ask, did you get a really sick feeling in your stomach? Because AXBF responded to an email I sent him about logistical things that are necessary communication, a one-word email, and I could feel myself spinning in panic and got this very sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

outtolunch

Given your reaction, does it make sense to continue to give him this kind of power over you?

You can block his # and be done with calls like this.

Florence

Guys, I had PTSD from being with and co-parenting with a narcissist. That panic sensation? Listen to it, number one, and try to avoid the narcissist as much as possible. Number two? The panic sensation goes into overdrive. The only thing that helped me was therapy. A LOT of therapy for PTSD. It's been well over a dozen years since I lived with him, and five since we fought daily, and it's only now (like, within the last couple of months) that interacting with him doesn't send me into an adrenaline tailspin.

TakingCharge999

MadeofGlass

Next time he calls,don't answer. If you can block the number it would be best. Block your emails too.

Your life goes on

TakingCharge999

PS I got all kinds of feelings dealing with XABF after breaking up, due to work, or running into him in town, or triggery places, it was hell. No contact saved my sanity!

Learn2Live

There is no way in hell I will ever speak to AXBF ever again. I know that if I hear his voice, I will have a nervous breakdown. All I have to do is hear a man speaking outside my house and my adrenaline kicks in, thinking it is him.

Cyranoak

...why did you answer the phone?

Cyranoak

BlueSkies1

First, thanks everybody for responding.

Bothsidesnow--Yes, I would like to talk to you privately. You are a pillar of strength of how to leave an addicted person, and I will give you any strength I may have that can be of use.

Florence--I think you are dead on. I do have PTSD. Thanks for that. LTL...yes, I think the stomach thing is part of the PTSD also.

Cyranoak's question: Ah shoot. I well as may be honest here, what dif is it going to make in the long run.
It was a text message. Honestly, I make up little lies for some of my posts on this board to protect myself. AXH has: systematically gone through my computer, put a keylogger on, put gps on my car, etc. I have thought that he might even be reading this board, and that if I don't put the facts out there, he might not connect the dots that this is me. Truth is, if he had a keylogger on the computer when I created this ID, he already knows this is me, so why bother saying he called when it was a text.
Answer is: You're not really paranoid if they are truly watching you.

Why did I read the text?
He has basically stayed no contact over the last few months, except one other time contacting me to let me know he knew where I was living, and that he had sent me an email with a "return receipt" which tells someone which IP provided and where the email was read.

Now this latest text accused me of having been in my car while he was in his, and that I had ignored him passing him on the road.
I have no knowledge of having been on the same road as him. If we passed each other, I didn't notice. I was accused of ignoring him. I asked when and where, in response, and told him I don't know what he is talking about. He hasn't replied.

The thing that bothers me about all of this is that it seems to me he could simply have had communication. Like in an email said--Hello, how are you? What are you doing these days? But no...I received an email letting me know where I was living, as if I didn't know myself.
Now the text about passing him on the road. So why didn't he beep, wave, send a text that second, call? What did he have to say at that moment anyway? He hasn't asked to talk, email, or anything else. So what's the point of all of this passing me on the road stuff? If you're not talking to someone, what difference does it make if they were on the same road as you?

The thing is, the guilt came on, like I had done something wrong. Like I had ignored him, how dare I! And I don't even know what he is talking about!

so I replied where? when? didn't see you. And what do I receive back? NOTHING. It's like giving me the info on where and when he saw my car would be giving me crucial info that he simply can't give out.

Thing is, I have a popular model and color of car. There are lots of them on the road. I don't even know if it was me! I am not in his neck of the woods very often. But I am supposed to feel guilty for having ignored him. As long as he doesn't answer back when and where, how could I possibly defend myself?
This is exactly the type of thing I had to endure in the past. I'm made to feel guilty, and I don't even know what I have done., or, more importantly, by accusing me but withholding the crucial info of where and when I supposedly did what I did, there is no ability to defend myself. twisted!

Hypatia

Oh, gosh! If not recognizing someone while I'm driving is somehow wrong then I'm in big trouble! My neighbour actually followed me home for several miles with his car right behind mine and I never noticed until we both pulled into our respective driveways.

We still laugh about that. It definitely isn't anything to feel guilty about.

I have learned that just because someone is mad at me doesn't mean that I've actually done something wrong. And just because someone accuses me of doing something bad doesn't mean that I've actually done something bad.

Time to remember and apply to yourself that everyone is innocent until proven guilty. And his words aren't proof of anything.

BlueSkies1

BSN,

I too have read narcisstic info in the past to try to see if he has that problem. Honestly, it either scared the crap out of me, or make me start questioning myself for trying to fit him neatly into some pigeon hole. I have come to the conclusion that it is not good for US to do this. I think when we start to try to diagnose someone, we run into all kinds of problems, the biggest being that we are again focused on them, instead of living our lives.

So just look at his actions, and his words, and use your common sense. I think your STBX has several issues that he fails to address, and we can do this in layman's terms instead of psychological diagnosis, which we aren't qualified for, and frankly, even the shrinks are all over the board.
Your stbx is selfish, sexist, and has tried to have a mid-life crisis far too late in the game of life, in addition to abusing alcohol.
I like to write it in those terms because then I don't have to deal with, nor worry, about clinical diagnosis, and how correct it is or not.
Common sense says that a man who tries to pick up a young woman from another country and convince himself he is going to marry her has a real identity problem and mid-life (or late life) sexual crisis. But more importantly--he has neglected to nurture the marriage he had with a wonderful woman, and instead disregarded it, neglected it, and abused it. There. It feels better to put it in the same terms that a no-nonsense woman would have put it in a century ago and before anybody ever heard of Freud. Then it is clear...to me at least...I no longer feel I have to question whether or not he fits some bill for some psychosis.
Common sense says he screwed up royally. He is now getting what he deserves. He may also have mental impairment from alcohol. Well no pity there...you can't go down with the sinking ship that he's the captain of.
IT is NOT our job in life to self-sacrifice while somebody else screws up, just because we married them. Period!
Yeah, he loves you and told you so. BUT! You aren't going to sacrifice all sense of self to make him happy now that Guana girl has fled. His love for you is self-serving. Loving you at this point would be to let you go, get his shyte together, and then atone one day with a sincere apology. But never can you put your trust back in him, the damage has been done.
You are on the right path, you have beauty in those boxes laying around, they are the future you are going to create. Love yourself!

BlueSkies1

I'm a dreamer. A big day-dreamer. I would be the worst witness for things happening on the street. I can walk right past someone I know, and be off in la la land. It's not a bad thing, I'm just a thinker more than a constant observer. The type that is off thinking on some existential question of existance while everybody around me yells--Did you see that clown with the huge red hair riding that mammoth down the street? Ummm...no. lol

but I'm more worried about him because he may be seeing things that aren't happening, like me being on the same road, or imagining such. I think it points to him grasping for reasons to contact me, when what he needs to do is face the elephant in the room--alcoholism. I think it is a sign too of his isolation. I love this man dearly, and it breaks my heart that he never faces his problem.

Florence

I don't mean to be alarmist, but I think this was a threat.

Katiekate

You're doing great honey.

It is taking a long time for me to muddle through the depth of my own sickness, (codependency).

StarCat

I agree with Florence, I would view this as a threat/stalking.

He's trying to gaslight you into thinking you're in the wrong, to keep you on the defensive so you think the issues are entirely your fault.

It stinks, and it wreaks havoc on your sanity, and it's a very popular tactic on their part. Mine did it to me until he picked two scenarios that were at complete odds with each other within a five minute span and finally I could see behind the curtain. (Basically he told me we'd take things slow and rebuild our relationship like I wanted so that I'd love him again, and by the way would I marry him? No? It's because he didn't get a ring, isn't it, don't worry, he'll take care of it and ask again later.)

BlueSkies1

Yes Starcat--he's definitely wreaking havoc on my sanity! He's very good at it too.
I don't think he is threatening me, I think he is letting me know he knows where I am because he doesn't approve of the person I am living with.

So--day 3 without a reply to my question of where and when did we supposedly pass by each other in our cars that I knew nothing of.
I was accused of ignoring him.
Who is ignoring whom?
He is doing exactly what he accused me of doing, and I am innocent.

Titanic

How goes it on day 5, still being ignored?!

So, if he's not stalking/threatening you, at least he's judging you and letting you know because he thinks that will make you change course, or that his saying so will even the score?

Yes, it sounds like he has used a bunch of tools to f w/ your sanity and that he got away with it for too long but not anymore.

ZiggyB

Meh, I went through the same thing on Friday after I saw my axbf walking down the street. All kinds of crazy feelings came back although he has not been in contact with me...