BKarchitect

I offered to go on a picnic in the park or out for sushi. I tried to remain upbeat and focus on the positive but she refocused her anger on how I am controlling her an an ******* and not caring.

Titanic

You set your boundaries. You stuck by them. You detached with love. That's IT! Great going!

She had and has choices. You have your recovery.

CentralOhioDad

Isn't it amazing that when we tell them to go and do what they want, that we get called controlling?

She didn't get her way this time... Tough

Again, good for you for standing your ground.

BKarchitect

We don't drink at home she jut threatens to. She probably could control herself to two glasses. I mean she hasn't gotten really drunk in many months. That's why she feels this is coming out of nowhere. I just feel like getting her fix, even if it is only a couple glasses is more important to her than anything including me.
That's why I am feeling now like I overreacted and was too sensitive almost (just being honest here)

Hopeworks

BK Architect,

The A's use all of their resources to very cleverly manipulate us to do their will which usually involves whatever they selfishly want and that means alcohol.

Once you didn't immediately agree to what she wanted she tried a number of different tactics to get you to change course and give in.

In a healthy relationship your partner would have just said OK honey lets order pizza or lets go on that picnic. But your relationship is not normal!

Alcoholism is progressive. I could not understand why everyone had such a bad relationship with my XA as he had always been so good to me. I heard horrible stories of behavior that I attributed to his alcohol use but I never witnessed it until I started setting boundaries and enforcing them.

Once you start detaching and not giving in and feeding the addiction the "beast" appears and becomes a monster that is nothing like the person you loved so much. And the "beast" gets nastier and uglier as you continue to not fold like an accordian as they attempt to manipulate and control you.

Alcoholism is progressive unless authentic recovery happens.

Red flags are not party favors and should not be collected. I see huge, huge red flags... best wishes and be careful about planning a lifetime with someone in active addiction.

CentralOhioDad

I understand where you're coming from. But, if she was a mature adult, and she has a car, why can't she stop and get her own dinner and have her 2 little glasses of wine by herself? the one who way over-reacted was her, not you. All that because you said you din't feel like going out?

Titanic

And, boy, did she ever pull out all the stops. A normal person in a relationship, not so much.

ZiggyB

My exbf and I had some of the worst arguments when I complained about his drinking or asked him to cut back. I believe it is their addiction trying to defend itself and anyone who stands in its way needs to go.

The last day I saw him, when I asked about the empty bottles I found in the recycling, he totally went ballistic on me. I was not unable to remain calm, I wish I had. I cried and then I got yelled at for crying.

So now you see what you are up against - do you want to continue with this for years?

Florence

Someone links that great "10 Ways to Help an Addict" link on here. One of the best things that it says, more or less, is that addiction grows into the space it will be accommodated. In the quote above, I see you accommodating her problem and taking on fault for *her* reactions to avoid facing or changing the status quo.

That's okay, it takes time to change if indeed that's what you want. But this is what I see.

Buffalo66

You did not CAUSE it
You cannot CONTROL it
You cannot CURE it.

Now, imagine being in a relationship, married, maybe a few years down the road.
Maybe you have a child. Maybe she wants to leave a lot to go out where her habit/addiction is accomodated. A bar, friends, etc.

Maybe her addiction progresses to the point where she needs to do this all the time and maybe you have made it clear that drinking at home with the child is unacceptable.

You find yourself at home alone with child, or if there is no child, just alone, because you dont drink like that, dont want to , dont have to.

Maybe she finds other people and places to do her drinking at/with.

You are saddled with the home responsibilities and the childcare.

This is then you living what many people here have come to and wish they had made clearer boundaries earlier on, as you did tonight.

And all that manipulation and tantrumming because you did not want to have drinks with dinner?

This can become a monster.
Keep practicing those boundaries, a little at a time like that, BK. This was great work.

They either come up to meet you or they fall away.
You cannot go down to accomodate her now, or it will snowball.

Shore yourself up against the barrage of guilt and fear and obligation. You owe nothing to her addiction.

You choose your life every second every day.
It's OK to have a minor boundary like that.

Think on this for a day or two. Try to suspend that fear in your gut that wells up and tells you that you ****** up.

If she is going to be able to be present in this relationship with you then she can learn to stop taking hostages to get her addiction needs met.

And write this all down, just in a note or on a calendar.
Look it over.

Great Work

SoaringSpirits

Hey BK, I had this bookmarked and saw it and thought of you.

Excuses Alcoholics Make

CentralOhioDad

Just wondering how things are going?