"Trust Your Instincts"
To thine own self be true.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
"Trust Your Instincts"
Found this on the web site Ziggy posted on the Narcissistic Entitlement thread. This is a great explanation of what I always say here, and what I always try to do, which is to trust my instincts. Too often we are manipulated, gaslighted, made to believe that the problem is US, and we start to lose trust in ourselves and our own perceptions.
Hope this is helpful to someone today.
What We Don’t Know Can Hurt Us!
Trusting Your Intuition
Trusting Your Intuition
I remember sitting in the car in a parking lot with my boyfriend trying desperately to get an answer out of him.
“Are you sleeping with other women” I asked? Intuitively I knew the answer to be “yes” but I wanted to hear it from him. I wanted him to admit it to me!
“I’m not a hermit” he replied!”
“I’m not asking you if you are a hermit! I want to know if you are sleeping with other women! Yes or No! Can you just answer the question!”
“Well, I’m afraid if I tell you that I’m sleeping with other women that you won’t sleep with me!”
“Are you kidding me” I asked? Don’t you feel that I have the right to base my relationship with you on honesty? You’re right! I won’t sleep with you! It is my right not to sleep with a man who has multiple sexual partners! This is MY right! I deserve to have the information so I can make the decision that is right for me!”
For years I had been invalidated. I made the mistake of looking to my boyfriend to validate my intuition by asking him for his honesty. But he could never give it. What he did was manipulate the situation so that I would be the one feeling there is something terribly wrong with me. It wasn’t like me to be that insecure and jealous. But the insecurity came from knowing on so many levels that my relationship was out of integrity, yet I continued to pretend that he was being honest with me. I expected that of him! I don’t think he really flat out lied to me, he just manipulated the question so I never got a direct answer.
I think about this story as I work with so many women who struggle with having their intuition invalidated by their narcissistic partner. Her gut tells her one thing and he tells her quite another and she ends up trusting him rather than her gut. When she finds out much later that her gut was right all along she ends up feeling so betrayed. But the greatest betrayal is the one she feels for herself. She betrayed herself by refusing to listen to what she knew, on a gut level, to be true.
Trusting her gut would have meant giving up the illusion of her prince charming, the man of her dreams who would never lie to her. To trust her gut would mean seeing beyond what was being said and listening to what she feels.
Sometimes we avoid asking those difficult questions because we really don’t want to know the truth. Sometimes we will ask a question and be emotionally shot down for even asking. “Are you having an affair?”
“What do you mean, am I having an affair? How could you even think that! You are so insecure; your mind always has to be suspicious. I can’t believe you!”
Do you notice that the reply above never answered the question? He never said. No, I’m not having an affair. What makes you think that I am?” This question is either going to be a lie or genuinely invite conversation on the topic. Most narcissists won’t do this. They don’t want to open conversation in an area that might expose something secretive.
Narcissistic people are very secretive and often lead double lives. They are also very good at compartmentalizing and keeping one part of his life completely disconnected from another part. This enables some narcissists to have several relationships at once. When you feel suspicious or uncomfortable you may question your partner or even go snooping for answers because you really need to know. The intuitive part of you tells you something is wrong and this part needs validation. A narcissistic partner would never validate your intuition. He (or she) doesn’t feel you have the right to know the truth. He (or she) doesn’t care about your need to know what kind of relationship you are in. If you start to get too close to the truth the narcissist will often break off the relationship so that he is leaving you first, before you can leave him.
One thing we should all learn from being in a relationship with a narcissist whether the narcissist is male or female, is to trust our intuition. When you get a gut feeling, learn to trust it and follow it. Your intellect may often get in the way and you may find yourself concluding that maybe you are just feeling jealous, or insecure, or needy because he certainly can cause you to feel this way. But there is a reason you feel these feelings. It might simply be that you notice he isn’t paying attention to you anymore and is always gone. You start to wonder if you aren’t attractive to him anymore and question your attractiveness and your value. He might be telling you that you aren’t giving him enough attention and so you blame yourself that he is gone all the time. You try harder and harder to please him at the risk of losing yourself completely.
When a man or woman lies about being with another sexual partner he or she is telling you that you are unworthy of the truth. It is a manipulation! “If I tell you the truth you might leave and the new relationship is not that secure yet. I need you to be there for me until she, or he has committed to me. Because I don’t want to be alone!” It is all about the needs of the narcissistic partner without any consideration whatsoever of your needs.
Our intuition serves a very strong purpose! If we really learn to trust it, then we can’t go wrong. Our gut will always alert us to the truth, even if we don’t want to hear it. Its better to find out now and get out before any further damage can be done then to snow yourself for years and then end up hating yourself for not listening to what you knew.
I came out of my narcissistic relationship with laser sharp intuition. I realized that the things I knew, but never wanted to admit to myself were actually true. Once I honed in on my intuitive abilities I began doing psychic/intuitive readings for others by just telling what I knew in my gut. I found myself to be accurate most of the time. Giving a reading involves telling it like I see it or feel it without editing what I am getting. I don’t stop and question “gee why am I seeing this image. I just tell my client the image I am seeing.”
Intuition is a great threat to those who are dishonest because they know that you know and it is much more difficult to hide.
The conversation I started with my ex-boyfriend, many years ago, about his sexual habits with other women, was the first time I had found the courage to ask him a direct question. That was also the end of my relationship. Because I refused to be blind any longer. I began to honor that part of myself that knew the truth and listen to it. Once I did this my illusionary relationship was over.
I was a strong, confident, beautiful and talented woman but he didn’t seem to acknowledge or respect me for who I was! Because he couldn’t validate what was good and beautiful about me, I couldn’t either. I needed him to see those good qualities in order to believe they were real. I gave him the power to validate me! How foolish I was for this.
Years later I could see that it didn’t matter how strong, how beautiful, how talented and how successful I was, he would never acknowledge these things about me or any other woman. We were all just sexual objects to be used and discarded when he was not longer interested. The more beautiful and powerful we were the more he had to manipulate us to invalidate our beauty. This kept us questioning and doubting ourselves and kept him more secure in the relationship. This is why we often see a beautiful, strong, confident woman and ask ourselves, “what in the world is a woman like this doing with a man like that!”
Our only way out of destructive relationship patterns is to learn to love ourselves, put ourselves and our own opinions first and trust our intuition. We must always remember that when we love ourselves first we have more of ourselves to offer those who are deserving of our attention and affection. When we trust what we know, deep down inside we will always be guided to where we need to be.
Hope this is helpful to someone today.
What We Don’t Know Can Hurt Us!
Trusting Your Intuition
Trusting Your Intuition
I remember sitting in the car in a parking lot with my boyfriend trying desperately to get an answer out of him.
“Are you sleeping with other women” I asked? Intuitively I knew the answer to be “yes” but I wanted to hear it from him. I wanted him to admit it to me!
“I’m not a hermit” he replied!”
“I’m not asking you if you are a hermit! I want to know if you are sleeping with other women! Yes or No! Can you just answer the question!”
“Well, I’m afraid if I tell you that I’m sleeping with other women that you won’t sleep with me!”
“Are you kidding me” I asked? Don’t you feel that I have the right to base my relationship with you on honesty? You’re right! I won’t sleep with you! It is my right not to sleep with a man who has multiple sexual partners! This is MY right! I deserve to have the information so I can make the decision that is right for me!”
For years I had been invalidated. I made the mistake of looking to my boyfriend to validate my intuition by asking him for his honesty. But he could never give it. What he did was manipulate the situation so that I would be the one feeling there is something terribly wrong with me. It wasn’t like me to be that insecure and jealous. But the insecurity came from knowing on so many levels that my relationship was out of integrity, yet I continued to pretend that he was being honest with me. I expected that of him! I don’t think he really flat out lied to me, he just manipulated the question so I never got a direct answer.
I think about this story as I work with so many women who struggle with having their intuition invalidated by their narcissistic partner. Her gut tells her one thing and he tells her quite another and she ends up trusting him rather than her gut. When she finds out much later that her gut was right all along she ends up feeling so betrayed. But the greatest betrayal is the one she feels for herself. She betrayed herself by refusing to listen to what she knew, on a gut level, to be true.
Trusting her gut would have meant giving up the illusion of her prince charming, the man of her dreams who would never lie to her. To trust her gut would mean seeing beyond what was being said and listening to what she feels.
Sometimes we avoid asking those difficult questions because we really don’t want to know the truth. Sometimes we will ask a question and be emotionally shot down for even asking. “Are you having an affair?”
“What do you mean, am I having an affair? How could you even think that! You are so insecure; your mind always has to be suspicious. I can’t believe you!”
Do you notice that the reply above never answered the question? He never said. No, I’m not having an affair. What makes you think that I am?” This question is either going to be a lie or genuinely invite conversation on the topic. Most narcissists won’t do this. They don’t want to open conversation in an area that might expose something secretive.
Narcissistic people are very secretive and often lead double lives. They are also very good at compartmentalizing and keeping one part of his life completely disconnected from another part. This enables some narcissists to have several relationships at once. When you feel suspicious or uncomfortable you may question your partner or even go snooping for answers because you really need to know. The intuitive part of you tells you something is wrong and this part needs validation. A narcissistic partner would never validate your intuition. He (or she) doesn’t feel you have the right to know the truth. He (or she) doesn’t care about your need to know what kind of relationship you are in. If you start to get too close to the truth the narcissist will often break off the relationship so that he is leaving you first, before you can leave him.
One thing we should all learn from being in a relationship with a narcissist whether the narcissist is male or female, is to trust our intuition. When you get a gut feeling, learn to trust it and follow it. Your intellect may often get in the way and you may find yourself concluding that maybe you are just feeling jealous, or insecure, or needy because he certainly can cause you to feel this way. But there is a reason you feel these feelings. It might simply be that you notice he isn’t paying attention to you anymore and is always gone. You start to wonder if you aren’t attractive to him anymore and question your attractiveness and your value. He might be telling you that you aren’t giving him enough attention and so you blame yourself that he is gone all the time. You try harder and harder to please him at the risk of losing yourself completely.
When a man or woman lies about being with another sexual partner he or she is telling you that you are unworthy of the truth. It is a manipulation! “If I tell you the truth you might leave and the new relationship is not that secure yet. I need you to be there for me until she, or he has committed to me. Because I don’t want to be alone!” It is all about the needs of the narcissistic partner without any consideration whatsoever of your needs.
Our intuition serves a very strong purpose! If we really learn to trust it, then we can’t go wrong. Our gut will always alert us to the truth, even if we don’t want to hear it. Its better to find out now and get out before any further damage can be done then to snow yourself for years and then end up hating yourself for not listening to what you knew.
I came out of my narcissistic relationship with laser sharp intuition. I realized that the things I knew, but never wanted to admit to myself were actually true. Once I honed in on my intuitive abilities I began doing psychic/intuitive readings for others by just telling what I knew in my gut. I found myself to be accurate most of the time. Giving a reading involves telling it like I see it or feel it without editing what I am getting. I don’t stop and question “gee why am I seeing this image. I just tell my client the image I am seeing.”
Intuition is a great threat to those who are dishonest because they know that you know and it is much more difficult to hide.
The conversation I started with my ex-boyfriend, many years ago, about his sexual habits with other women, was the first time I had found the courage to ask him a direct question. That was also the end of my relationship. Because I refused to be blind any longer. I began to honor that part of myself that knew the truth and listen to it. Once I did this my illusionary relationship was over.
I was a strong, confident, beautiful and talented woman but he didn’t seem to acknowledge or respect me for who I was! Because he couldn’t validate what was good and beautiful about me, I couldn’t either. I needed him to see those good qualities in order to believe they were real. I gave him the power to validate me! How foolish I was for this.
Years later I could see that it didn’t matter how strong, how beautiful, how talented and how successful I was, he would never acknowledge these things about me or any other woman. We were all just sexual objects to be used and discarded when he was not longer interested. The more beautiful and powerful we were the more he had to manipulate us to invalidate our beauty. This kept us questioning and doubting ourselves and kept him more secure in the relationship. This is why we often see a beautiful, strong, confident woman and ask ourselves, “what in the world is a woman like this doing with a man like that!”
Our only way out of destructive relationship patterns is to learn to love ourselves, put ourselves and our own opinions first and trust our intuition. We must always remember that when we love ourselves first we have more of ourselves to offer those who are deserving of our attention and affection. When we trust what we know, deep down inside we will always be guided to where we need to be.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
What Ignoring Red Flags Does To Us
More from that website which talks about the red flags and what ignoring the red flags does to us.
Since I began working with victims of narcissistic abuse I started to recognize the similarities with everyone who has been through this destructive emotional abuse. The most common question, besides “how can I stop this pain” is “how can I prevent this from happening in the future?”
Most of us know about “red flags” which are the signs we get that warn us to examine something very closely or back away completely. When we ignore these red flags we are failing to trust ourselves, which lowers our feelings of self-worth. Doubting yourself is very disempowering because you are essentially saying “everyone else knows better than I do.” Where is the faith? Where is the trust?
Learning to trust yourself is vitally important to becoming manipulation proof. You must learn to read your intuition and follow its powerful guidance. We all have this built-in mechanism that provides us with that “gut” feeling that something is not quite right. When we ignore or justify these warning signs we put ourselves in danger.
The most common characteristic I have found with all victims of narcissistic abuse is the failure to trust oneself which results in a very strong feeling of self-doubt. Victims give their power to the narcissist in their lives to define them and their reality. Little by little they surrender their own sense of reality to this external person and little by little their self-esteem is eroded.
Developing a rock solid sense of self is vitally important to becoming manipulation proof. Most of us can spot a manipulation, but we need to learn to trust what we are seeing and feeling. We must learn to stop trading in our self-worth, dignity and respect for the promise of love. Love doesn’t require us to give up our self in any way, shape or form. In fact true love allows us to embrace ourselves more fully and step more into our personal power. When you find yourself being disempowered by the promise of love, then it is only that “a promise.”
Love begins at home, with yourself and trusting in yourself is a part of that love.
Since I began working with victims of narcissistic abuse I started to recognize the similarities with everyone who has been through this destructive emotional abuse. The most common question, besides “how can I stop this pain” is “how can I prevent this from happening in the future?”
Most of us know about “red flags” which are the signs we get that warn us to examine something very closely or back away completely. When we ignore these red flags we are failing to trust ourselves, which lowers our feelings of self-worth. Doubting yourself is very disempowering because you are essentially saying “everyone else knows better than I do.” Where is the faith? Where is the trust?
Learning to trust yourself is vitally important to becoming manipulation proof. You must learn to read your intuition and follow its powerful guidance. We all have this built-in mechanism that provides us with that “gut” feeling that something is not quite right. When we ignore or justify these warning signs we put ourselves in danger.
The most common characteristic I have found with all victims of narcissistic abuse is the failure to trust oneself which results in a very strong feeling of self-doubt. Victims give their power to the narcissist in their lives to define them and their reality. Little by little they surrender their own sense of reality to this external person and little by little their self-esteem is eroded.
Developing a rock solid sense of self is vitally important to becoming manipulation proof. Most of us can spot a manipulation, but we need to learn to trust what we are seeing and feeling. We must learn to stop trading in our self-worth, dignity and respect for the promise of love. Love doesn’t require us to give up our self in any way, shape or form. In fact true love allows us to embrace ourselves more fully and step more into our personal power. When you find yourself being disempowered by the promise of love, then it is only that “a promise.”
Love begins at home, with yourself and trusting in yourself is a part of that love.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 198
Great topic L2L. As I go through my divorce, looking back I see all the times I didn't trust my instinct with my STBXAH. I remember telling him during fights in the last couple of years that I had a feeling something wasn't right when we started dating. When he left me in May, I couldn't beleive my ears when he started repeating to me some of the exact concerns I had, as if they were his own! I could list 50 specific examples where my intuition lit up, but that my clever significant other manipulated me, didn't answer direct questions, and most of all always chose alcohol over me. I always felt slighted, but dammit if I could pinpoint exactly why that was.
I'm working on getting healthy, focusing on myself so I don't make the same mistakes, trusting my instinct. These last few days have been real hard, I'm fueled with anger and saddness. But today is a new day. I'm trying to be more kind to myself.
I'm working on getting healthy, focusing on myself so I don't make the same mistakes, trusting my instinct. These last few days have been real hard, I'm fueled with anger and saddness. But today is a new day. I'm trying to be more kind to myself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
As I go through my divorce, looking back I see all the times I didn't trust my instinct with my STBXAH. I remember telling him during fights in the last couple of years that I had a feeling something wasn't right when we started dating. When he left me in May, I couldn't beleive my ears when he started repeating to me some of the exact concerns I had, as if they were his own! I could list 50 specific examples where my intuition lit up, but that my clever significant other manipulated me, didn't answer direct questions, and most of all always chose alcohol over me. I always felt slighted, but dammit if I could pinpoint exactly why that was.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I so wish I could get angry. I'm just sad and depressed all the time 
Still crying sometimes.
I do think that I was able to trust my instincts in this last relationship with AXBF. At least with some things. I know I was able to step back out of the chaos and the dysfunction enough to at least protect myself in some ways. Progress, not perfection.
Still crying sometimes.I do think that I was able to trust my instincts in this last relationship with AXBF. At least with some things. I know I was able to step back out of the chaos and the dysfunction enough to at least protect myself in some ways. Progress, not perfection.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 198
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
I so wish I could get angry. I'm just sad and depressed all the time Still crying sometimes.
Still crying sometimes.I wish I could stop being angry. I don't know how. It comes in waves and becomes all consuming. I'm angry at him and that's where most of my energy and mental processes go; I'm angry at myself for putting up with all the BS. sometimes my friends remind me how strong I am and how they don't understand how I put up the BS from him. I tell them I don't know, because I really don't.
I'm still grieving.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
Yes, great reading. I knew that something was off, my intuition told me that some thing was very wrong. I just couldn't quite put my finger on it. There he was to schmooze me with his half truths and whole lies and I believed it. Part of me is angry with myself for not trusting my gut when I knew better, but I know better now and that is what matters.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
The most common characteristic I have found with all victims of narcissistic abuse is the failure to trust oneself which results in a very strong feeling of self-doubt. Victims give their power to the narcissist in their lives to define them and their reality. Little by little they surrender their own sense of reality to this external person and little by little their self-esteem is eroded.
If I had listened to my intuition, I would never have gotten involved with my AXH in the first place. There were so many red flights and warning sirens going off that it was almost deafening. Truth is, I ignored them because I had just been summarily dumped by a boyfriend and was in no shape to get involved with anyone. I was lonely and glad that someone wanted me. Easy prey. Like the caribou calf with the bum leg.
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